My career and getting married

[Someone here]

I'm 25 . I just yesterday switched my career from studying philosophy in university to studying business.  Because many people adviced me that I can't make good money and decent career with a philosophy degree . So even tho I adore philosophy but I had to sacrifice my passion for money ?.

Now I'm pretty sexually hyper person .I get horny so easily . I'm kinda addicted to masturbation and watching porn. But I have decided..enough is enough . I need to get off my ass and stop doing lame ass beta lazy shit and get my life together. 

I want to marry . To satisfy my sexual cravings and also my emotional craving to own a house and have a family .you know raising kids and all that cool shit .  Now I'm not graduating in less than 5 years .because I changed my field to business. So I'm starting from scratch. But I'm in fact looking for a job while completing my uni degree .

I want to know how realistic is to think about getting married at this life situation. And what is required for me to get married ASAP. 

 There is a barrier of time and hard work . I can only have these things in the future, not in the now .

I believe if I let loose and just lose myself in the present moment, that I will never ever achieve something significant in my life . The problem is I misuse the present moment by engaging in short-term hits of dopamine,you know..stuff that gives you instant pleasure but fuck you up in the long term like smoking and watching porn and wasting a lot of time on online forum mentally masturbating about useless shit lol.

If anyone have enough experience in this field. Please give some piece of advice .

Thanks ?

Edited May 26, 2022 by Someone here

[Someone here]

@Carl-Richard please move this to the dating section. 

thanks   

[Preety_India]

Either you've a delayed  existential crisis issue or you have some sort of an emotional disorder. Your behavior is extremely unstable and keeps butterflying from one to another. This is an indication of inner chaos and instability You'll not be happy in a marriage because instability means today you would love your wife and tomorrow you would lose interest in her. Marriage is built on a strong foundation of love that is lasting at least a long time before it crumbles. Your ideas are very fleeting and change from moment to moment. 

You've an addictive personality, I can tell. And this is generally a result of neglect from parents, lack of guidance, a poor framework at home and general lack of stability in life. 

For marriage, you need an extremely stable life. Otherwise the marriage breaks down in no time due to constant fighting. It will be a huge disappointment for you and the demands of a marriage will be very challenging for a person like you. 

I don't see a fixed trajectory in your life. You seem to thrive on dopamine in your life. 

Do you have bipolar? Because your behavior is extremely oscillating between highs and lows the way it happens in bipolar people, I see features of addiction in you which tells me some minor OCD is present. You might want to conduct a diagnostic check at a psychiatrist, the sooner you know your mental illness the better in terms of recovery. 

You are charging yourself on dopamine. It's ok to think of new ideas because it's exploration and nothing is wrong with it. But my exploration has a direction, the direction of my mental illness. 

Your exploration on the other hand does not have a direction. Why is it so chaotic? 

If you don't have a mental illness, then you probably just have a childish curiosity about a lot of things. Which is fine. But I'm likely to think that you have some sort of a disorder that is causing you to feed on dopamine and the most likely disorder that survives on dopamine is bipolar. 

Or this could be super plain existential crisis and I went through that and came out of it fine, it's temporary and the more you Contemplate (contemplating is not mental masturbating, it's an important part of growth), the more easily you beat existential crisis. 

My piece of advice - 

• Get rid of addictions 
• Don't waste time 
• Don't think of marriage unless you have a stable life 
• Work on core areas before you think of enlightenment 
• Attain happiness in life 
• Kick dopamine intensive habits 
• Try to live cleaner stable life 
• Smoking could be affecting your brain 
• Explore one thing at a time 
• Develop a structure or framework for life 
• Develop a schedule 
• Focus on building health 
• Follow spirituality at a very slow rate 
• Contemplate a lot 
• Don't take life for granted 
• Addiction can be a self destructive habit 
• Clean up diet 
• Make a list of things you want 
• Take baby steps toward progress 
• Don't compare yourself to others. Your journey is unique 
• Try to achieve more clarity with your perspective, goals, ideas  and vision in life. 

 

 

[NoSelfSelf]

You will get married because you are horny cmon dude ? you are so in your feminine that you could get a woman with a foot long beard...

[Someone here]

16 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

Either you've a delayed  existential crisis issue or you have some sort of an emotional disorder. Your behavior is extremely unstable and keeps butterflying from one to another. This is an indication of inner chaos and instability You'll not be happy in a marriage because instability means today you would love your wife and tomorrow you would lose interest in her. Marriage is built on a strong foundation of love that is lasting at least a long time before it crumbles. Your ideas are very fleeting and change from moment to moment. 

You've an addictive personality, I can tell. And this is generally a result of neglect from parents, lack of guidance, a poor framework at home and general lack of stability in life. 

For marriage, you need an extremely stable life. Otherwise the marriage breaks down in no time due to constant fighting. It will be a huge disappointment for you and the demands of a marriage will be very challenging for a person like you. 

I don't see a fixed trajectory in your life. You seem to thrive on dopamine in your life. 

Do you have bipolar? Because your behavior is extremely oscillating between highs and lows the way it happens in bipolar people, I see features of addiction in you which tells me some minor OCD is present. You might want to conduct a diagnostic check at a psychiatrist, the sooner you know your mental illness the better in terms of recovery. 

You are charging yourself on dopamine. It's ok to think of new ideas because it's exploration and nothing is wrong with it. But my exploration has a direction, the direction of my mental illness. 

Your exploration on the other hand does not have a direction. Why is it so chaotic? 

If you don't have a mental illness, then you probably just have a childish curiosity about a lot of things. Which is fine. But I'm likely to think that you have some sort of a disorder that is causing you to feed on dopamine and the most likely disorder that survives on dopamine is bipolar. 

Or this could be super plain existential crisis and I went through that and came out of it fine, it's temporary and the more you Contemplate (contemplating is not mental masturbating, it's an important part of growth), the more easily you beat existential crisis. 

My piece of advice - 

• Get rid of addictions 
• Don't waste time 
• Don't think of marriage unless you have a stable life 
• Work on core areas before you think of enlightenment 
• Attain happiness in life 
• Kick dopamine intensive habits 
• Try to live cleaner stable life 
• Smoking could be affecting your brain 
• Explore one thing at a time 
• Develop a structure or framework for life 
• Develop a schedule 
• Focus on building health 
• Follow spirituality at a very slow rate 
• Contemplate a lot 
• Don't take life for granted 
• Addiction can be a self destructive habit 
• Clean up diet 
• Make a list of things you want 
• Take baby steps toward progress 
• Don't compare yourself to others. Your journey is unique 
• Try to achieve more clarity with your perspective, goals, ideas  and vision in life. 

 

 

Thanks for the detailed post .

First of all about my addictions..There is no single personality type that is more prone to addiction. Anyone can become addicted to substances like drugs and alcohol or certain behaviors like gambling. While certain traits are sometimes shared by people who develop addictions, these traits are not consistent and not everyone with an addiction has these traits. Like my addiction to smoking and watching porn . I think those two are so common today and it has nothing to do with my personality traits .

And no I'm not bipolar and don't suffer from any "official" mental illness.  Except maybe some anxiety that I take medication for.

About marriage or a relationship that involves children, the man is “usually” expected to be the major breadwinner, contribute in cooking, cleaning, raising of kids, and on weekends maintain the car, house and garden.

On top of this he is expected to be a mind reader who is completely tuned into and taking care of the emotional and physical needs of his women.

You are right. I'm not in a position in my life that I can stand that.  I need to build myself and my life first .

 

 

[Someone here]

10 minutes ago, NoSelfSelf said:

You will get married because you are horny cmon dude ? you are so in your feminine that you could get a woman with a foot long beard...

What do you mean lol? That me acting desperate and needy will never get me laid ?  Because I kinda agree with that. 

[NoSelfSelf]

@Someone here Whole thinking process and who you are is repelling to a woman by the post you just showed us if you cant see it then i cant help you its too much...

[Someone here]

5 minutes ago, NoSelfSelf said:

@Someone here Whole thinking process and who you are is repelling to a woman by the post you just showed us if you cant see it then i cant help you its too much...

I agree . I'm being needy and childish. I struggle a lot with that . Hopefully with enough life experience I can change . The woman will come sooner or later ,but I have to build an Attractive life around me first .

[Danioover9000]

@Someone here

I'm 25 . I just yesterday switched my career from studying philosophy in university to studying business.  Because many people adviced me that I can't make good money and decent career with a philosophy degree . So even tho I adore philosophy but I had to sacrifice my passion for money ?.

Now I'm pretty sexually hyper person .I get horny so easily . I'm kinda addicted to masturbation and watching porn. But I have decided..enough is enough . I need to get off my ass and stop doing lame ass beta lazy shit and get my life together. 

I want to marry . To satisfy my sexual cravings and also my emotional craving to own a house and have a family .you know raising kids and all that cool shit .  Now I'm not graduating in less than 5 years .because I changed my field to business. So I'm starting from scratch. But I'm in fact looking for a job while completing my uni degree .

I want to know how realistic is to think about getting married at this life situation. And what is required for me to get married ASAP. 

 There is a barrier of time and hard work . I can only have these things in the future, not in the now .

I believe if I let loose and just lose myself in the present moment, that I will never ever achieve something significant in my life . The problem is I misuse the present moment by engaging in short-term hits of dopamine,you know..stuff that gives you instant pleasure but fuck you up in the long term like smoking and watching porn and wasting a lot of time on online forum mentally masturbating about useless shit lol.

If anyone have enough experience in this field. Please give some piece of advice .

Thanks ?

   Are you sure you want a marriage, and family? that's 15+ years of even more hard work. Not only do you now have to take care of your wifey, which is one difficulty due to differences in psychological development, but be committed to staying in one place to raise your children.

   Are you prepared to help raise your baby son/daughter? To wake up in the middle of the night to clean diapers? Ready to buy addition baby stuff like the cradle, cram,  baby toys, baby food? Not to mention increase in stress in managing crying, cuz your baby/toddler's gonna throw a tantrum at high volume, sometimes frequently per day. Not only is it expensive to raise a baby to toddler to early adolescence and late teens, but it's mentally and emotionally taxing. So taxing, that if I had supernatural powers to show you clearly as you being a dad, you wouldn't be one. Seriously.

   Of course, there's the lovely experiences of being a couple and being a parent, but it really takes a matured ego to handle all that. Judging from how you write, you're not ready. Sorry.

Edited May 26, 2022 by Danioover9000

[Someone here]

3 minutes ago, Danioover9000 said:

@Someone here

   Are you sure you want a marriage, and family? that's 15+ years of even more hard work. Not only do you now have to take care of your wifey, which is one difficulty due to differences in psychological development, but be committed to staying in one place to raise your children.

   Are you prepared to help raise your baby son/daughter? To wake up in the middle of the night to clean diapers? Ready to buy addition baby stuff like the cradle, cram,  baby toys, baby food? Not to mention increase in stress in managing crying, cuz your baby/toddler's gonna throw a tantrum at high volume, sometimes frequently per day. Not only is it expensive to raise a baby to toddler to early adolescence and late teens, but it's mentally and emotionally taxing. So taxing, that if I had supernatural powers to show you clearly as you being a dad, you wouldn't be one. Seriously.

   Of course, there's the lovely experiences of being a couple and being a parent, but it really takes a matured ego to handle all that. Judging from how you write, you're not ready. Sorry.

You are right. Im definitely not ready . But on the other hand how am I supposed to handle my cravings for sex and intimacy?  It's seems like porn and masturbation are the only substitute. But I have decided that these are unhealthy for me and I made a decision to stop. That'd why marriage is the only option left for me .

 see, marriage has the potential to be your best decision or your worst nightmare. Nowadays, it seems it is more often the latter. India, as on 2018 had one of the least divorce rates in the world at less than 1%. That does not mean the rest 99% of people are happily married. It is just that even after many reforms, divorce is still a tedious process (especially in India) and people who are stuck in toxic and abusive environments are unable to get out of it.

I’ve seen what marriage does to people. Up close. I've seen people ruin their otherwise wonderful life by getting into marriage without knowing what they’re signing up for, before giving a thought about what it takes to make a marriage work.

I've had a friend who married a girl whom he didn't even know well, (In India, we have this thing called ‘arranged marriage’- which kind of reminds me of Russian roulette) only to realize that she was schizophrenic. It's wasn’t the girl’s fault, no one chooses to be a schizophrenic, but it wasn't the fault of the guy either. He trusted his parents' choice, which apparently was made after a thorough ‘background check.’ Finally, he ended up paying almost his entire life's savings as alimony.

 

[NoSelfSelf]

@Someone here See you know what to do but dont do anything for the woman it wont work! Do it for yourself then showing her your life will make her want to have sex 100% but you havent yet started to work on yourself because thats another ball game you are left on your own! no advice from nobody you pulling the strings! Self sufficient...

[Someone here]

11 minutes ago, NoSelfSelf said:

@Someone here you are left on your own! no advice from nobody you pulling the strings! Self sufficient...

Thanks for the tough love 

[NoSelfSelf]

@Someone here ??

[Federico del pueblo]

1 hour ago, Someone here said:

But on the other hand how am I supposed to handle my cravings for sex and intimacy? 

Ehm, you go out and meet women?! Become good at attracting women and then the sex will come.

And have you heard of girlfriends? Those are beings with whom you can have a cool arrangement. Like you keep seeing them and do stuff with them. Also you you can have sex with them. You don't need to marry them if you don't to, but you could at some point

Work in your neediness, your attraction skills, your confidence, other life goals, your physique (work out), and like this you take care of all of your issues.

[Someone here]

5 minutes ago, Federico del pueblo said:

Ehm, you go out and meet women?! Become good at attracting women and then the sex will come.

And have you heard of girlfriends? Those are beings with whom you can have a cool arrangement. Like you keep seeing them and do stuff with them. Also you you can have sex with them. You don't need to marry them if you don't to, but you could at some point

Work in your neediness, your attraction skills, your confidence, other life goals, your physique (work out), and like this you take care of all of your issues.

Women in my country are pretty introverted and Conservative. They don't fuck outside of marriage. We are a very Conservative society.  Its not like I live I the US or Canada. Now of course there are sluts and prostitutes everywhere. But I want deep connection with a female not some flimsy one night deal.  I do want to fall in love with a woman .to marry her and to raise children.  Why not? Well obviously I'm still not ready for that as I'm still a uni student with no job who lives in his mom's basement lol. 

So what do you suggest I should do right now ?

[Federico del pueblo]

1 hour ago, Someone here said:

Women in my country are pretty introverted and Conservative. They don't fuck outside of marriage. We are a very Conservative society.  Its not like I live I the US or Canada.

Ok, we're talking about India, right?

Would be interesting to see what other Indians say about this.

Like is it really that bad that no guy gets laid outside of marriage?

But if it really is like this then yeah, obviously you'll have to get married.

But even if that is the case you still should seek to become as attractive as possible.

 

I guess even if you need marriage for sex you probably typically first find a girl that becomes your girlfriend and then you marry her or not?

Or is it more like the family of the girl chooses which man she's gonna marry?

[Someone here]

12 hours ago, Federico del pueblo said:

Ok, we're talking about India, right?

Would be interesting to see what other Indians say about this.

Like is it really that bad that no guy gets laid outside of marriage?

But if it really is like this then yeah, obviously you'll have to get married.

But even if that is the case you still should seek to become as attractive as possible.

 

I guess even if you need marriage for sex you probably typically first find a girl that becomes your girlfriend and then you marry her or not?

Or is it more like the family of the girl chooses which man she's gonna marry?

Yes I'm Indian.but I live in Thailand nowadays. But I have to come back to India before mid June to start my new semester in uni .

Dating in India is not easy. Ask any twenty-something guy and you will hear a heart-wrenching tale of rejections and disappointments. The proportion of number of men to women on dating apps like Tinder is worse than the gender ratio in Haryana. While a regressive conventional attitude has been suffocating our women since ages, it has also been depriving our men of a fair treatment in the dating game, and in life in general. 

We look at some dating concepts in India that are so fundamentally flawed you would wonder how is dating is even possible in India, and will make you hold on to your Valentine for life.

We Indians still haven't warmed up to the concept of casual dating. Whatever happened to the idea of some harmless fun? Not every relationship can be a serious thingy. As adults, we have a right to enjoy intimacy without the emotional atyachaar of a serious relationship. No wonder, the youth is frustrated. But that doesn't happen here .

 

[Gesundheit2]

@Someone here India is not just one country. It's a large peninsula that is culturally diverse and versatile. It has a billion people for God's sake!

In practice, what you should do ideally is aim for the more touristic areas cuz the people there are generally more cool and open-minded. And the tourists are often loose there too, so that's a big plus.

But even without that, it's not that hard to get a girlfriend wherever you are unless you're a total creep, which you don't seem so. Basically, just make your life more social and sex will automatically happen. Believe it or not, but many girls do not really care about tradition (they're often atheists), so you just have to look enough.

[Yarco]

Find a gf before you worry about marriage. Graduate before you worry about your career.

One step at a time

20 hours ago, Someone here said:

And what is required for me to get married ASAP.

This is almost 100% coming from a place of scarcity. Why the rush? You can have a kid at 30 or 35 just fine.

It's very unlikely that you're going to find a high-quality girl willing to marry you while you're stuck in school not earning money for the next 5 years.

[Someone here]

7 minutes ago, Gesundheit2 said:

@Someone here India is not just one country. It's a large peninsula that is culturally diverse and versatile. It has a billion people for God's sake!

In practice, what you should do ideally is aim for the more touristic areas cuz the people there are generally more cool and open-minded. And the tourists are often loose there too, so that's a big plus.

But even without that, it's not that hard to get a girlfriend wherever you are unless you're a total creep, which you don't seem so. Basically, just make your life more social and sex will automatically happen. Believe it or not, but many girls do not really care about tradition (they're often atheists), so you just have to look enough.

Yes I know. But trust me there are lots of singles here in India for cultural reasons.

not everyone wants to be single though but  Many want to fall in love, date someone and thus find a soulmate for life. But many realise that it’s difficult to find that in India. We see thousands of desperate questions being asked on Reddit and Quora on why it is so difficult to find a date in India. Why is Indian society so obsessed with arranged marriages? I find there are many reasons for this harsh reality of dating in India.

One of the important reasons is the strong influence of family, caste and religion in Indian society. The roots of family lineage and traditions have deepened over centuries in India. That’s why for any family, it becomes a matter of family status to marry their daughter or sister into an equal status family.

The same logic applies to caste and religion. The trio of these superficial concepts has destroyed the dating fabric in Indian society. One finds it difficult to go against their family, community and religion by dating or marrying someone who does not belong to the same community. 

4 minutes ago, Yarco said:

Find a gf before you worry about marriage. Graduate before you worry about your career.

One step at a time

This is almost 100% coming from a place of scarcity. Why the rush? You can have a kid at 30 or 35 just fine.

It's very unlikely that you're going to find a high-quality girl willing to marry you while you're stuck in school not earning money for the next 5 years.

You are right. Im obviously not ready to marry at this current life situation. But what are the alternatives?  I feel needy and desperate to find a girl with whom I fall in love with.   I also can't use porn and masturbation as I have decided finally that it's not healthy for me .  I guess I will just have to spend some time and effort before being able to achieve my dreams .