I Need Help. What's Wrong With Me? Am I Mentally Ill Or It's Just A Phase?

[clytaemnestra]

The recent time has been very hard for me, from October on. I started one project and I failed. After that time, I simply feel that I'm loosing the control over my life. I've always been an introvert and I didn't like social situations, but in the recent time it has been impossible to go out. When I do, my body shakes, my heart beats too much that I can't talk nor breathe and I don't feel good. It's gone so far that I for fired because I couldn't work anymore the job where I was supposed to be surrounded by 30 people all the time. I always hated big parties, but now I have a fear, I feel myself as a looser and that I lost control over my life. I only feel good when I lock myself in a bathroom. But then, there're all the bad thoughts how I failed and how I'll never achieve anything in my life. Then I sit and cry. When I lay to bad I can't sleep and I feel so sad. Few times per day I feel pain in my chest, i.e. like my heart hurts (like I'm stabbed for one second and it stops), I don't know if it's caused by my mental  state or I should check my heart.

It's very hard being 21 and being expected to graduate and work, while I have other plans in my life (I want to start from the beginning studying something I always wanted abroad). My first step would be to go abroad and work anything a month or two until I gain language certificate, but no one supports me, they want me to stay and work some good paid job I hate instead of studying for x years for something what is gonna be useful for the whole my life. I finished Bachelor that's abroad useless, so I want to do a second one and I know what exactly, but everyone tells me it's stupid and late. When I talk with my family or friends, no one takes me for serious, they're like "just go and take a fresh air and everything is gonna be all right". My family is highly dysfunctional, my dad died when I was 16, my mother was an alcoholic, now she has a bad health and she's unemployed and when I go home I even feel more bad, so I avoid going home because I don't feel now that I can take care of her and myself in the same time. Nor I want, she's a grown-up, but on the other hand she's the only person in my family I have and I feel a bit responsible (although I shouldn't). I feel like no one understands me. I have no will for jogging (what I used to do for years already), socialization, studying, anything. People (including my roommates) don't see that something's wrong in my life, I hide it somehow, but in the recent time it has been too hard even to hide it. I'm very flegmatic, I'm not aggressive nor I have intensive emotions, I just don't have a will for anything, I want to fly on the other side of the world where no one knows me and to make a false identity and to start my life from the birth. Sometimes I catch myself imagining some ideal situations in my head as an escape from reality and day-dreaming or talking with myself imagining I'm in those situations. Am I insane?

I watched Leo's videos, but I feel judged when I watch it and I feel even worse. The only things that helps me is Andre Teilzeit who has videos in German and I feel his support because he's having messy life as well and he's been going through all this things I'm going right now, so I feel I'm not alone, there're a lot of people suffering from same and that I should accept it and work on it instead of hiding it. I could wait until I move as planned and I believe that big city and (liberal) people would benefit me and a new start and I feel confident about it, but I'm afraid till summer it's gonna be only worse in my super small place with the same people every day who reminds me of my failure.

So, my first step is detection of the problem and then working on it, but I don't know how bad it is actually? Do I have social phobia or it's just a phase? Am I depressed or just sad? If the root problem is not fulfilling my ambitious aim, should I set it again and go the same way or just to work on my current state and to learn to cope with failure? Does it happen to everyone or I'm mentally ill? For the first time I opened myself completely, so if anyone has something so share except "try to meditate and take a walk" and "you're guilty for your own condition", feel free to contribute.

[Christian]

First off dude, stop overthinking this scenario. You are thinking way too much and I believe it is your thoughts that are really fucking you up here. You say you have issues with socializing, you feel like you are not ready for a job, you feel like a failure, etc. That is normal - I feel that way too sometimes, but you gotta realize that these thoughts are not helping you. They are just slowing you down and getting you stuck even more because from that place, it is hard to take action. 

You need to stop thinking so much and take small steps to gain mindfulness over the situation. Certainly, you will benefit from starting beginning to  meditate. Get at least 20 minutes daily without exception. Meditation builds awareness within you and it gets you in touch with your emotions and you need that to make high quality decisions in your life. You need to understand what these feelings/thoughts are existentially and you have to deal with them in a constructive manner. Stop building up this story of you being this weak, lazy, unmotivated slob and construct a positive outlook on the future. 

I myself have autism which is basically a diagnosis that makes it hard for me to socialize and meet new people. I have encountered a lot of hardship in my life like: My parents got a divorce, my brother is a narcissist, I have low self esteem, I feel inadequate, I feel like I am obligated to certain things like getting straight A's, I worry about now finding a girlfriend, I feel like an outsider, I feel invisible. So you are not alone. We all have it hard in our own way.

But there are two ways you can really think about it; one way is: Because of x,y,z I am a failure, bla, bla, bla and I wont change. It is their fault (basically being the victim). Or you could say: Wouldn't it be pretty cool to prove all those fucking people wrong. Those people that hated me and treated me like shit? Wouldn't it be cool to be confident, to have a life purpose, to be ripped, to have awareness, to read books, to have a healthy and energetic body. Focus on that vision of the future. What has happened has happened. You cannot change the past, BUT you can only change the future. 

2016 was a shit year for me, but in 2017, I will crush it. You have to have at least some faith. Hope dies last for me and I hope it does for you too :''

 

[kyle barnett]

Uh... dude, all this is anxiety. Far too much judgement. For the social phobia, you wouldn't have any of this shit if you weren't anxious. Why does your body do this? Because you trained it too. How do you stop it?  Experience. You can not stop your fear of people simply by trying to think differently. What is really going on is a strong sense of resistance. For example, when in social situations, how do you feel? Your body shakes, you get nervous, you get anxious. Well let me tell you, you don't have a choice but to allow yourself to feel all of that. You see, you are trying to get us to help you stop feeling a certain way. But that itself is an attachment. You really aren't scared of people. You are scared of your emotions. This creates a vicious cycle. I've been there. Social anxiety comes from resistance to social situations, mainly negative scenarios. Because your too scared to let go and embrace your authenticity. Don't believe me? Ask yourself, why you feel this way. What you are really doing is holding on way too much to your self image. For example, what will you feel when someone does something against your ego? What happens when you don't act the way, you want to infront of people. What happens when you get rejected. What happens when people don't like you. What happens when nobody wants you? Most people in this situation assume that I need to fix who I am so this does not happen. I need to be confident so none of this happens. NO !! YOu hold on to far too much expectations. And in a school or closed environment where you are surrounded by the same people constantly, it is hard because if you fuck up, you lose your dignity. But ahh... thats what you are holding on to far too much. Surrender.

 

You see, with your current state, you probably will screw over. You probably need therapy. But you need to accept and embrace it. Why are you not okay in situations, but other people are? It is not because they logically know how to act. It is because they are constantly around people and used to it so that their minds know how to act and respond accordingly socially. Nobody who is socially isolated is going to suddenly go infront of people and be a master. It is experience that matters. Same with woman, same with anything. 

 

Is this a mental disorder? maybe. Does it matter? no. If your body isn't doing what you want it to, it is trying to tell you something. Emotions are like signals. So if you are feeling a lot of this. You either need to let go of expectation and just stop thinking. Just act. It doesn't matter whether you screw up or not. Stop trying to run away from it. It is a good pain. On the other hand, you may have to get medication, change your diet, your negative habits, and be more healthy. But for now you need to adress your fears of social situations.

 

This goes for everything else you said. You are worrying too much. Which means you need to start becoming less attached to outcomes. Stop trying to prevent things from happening. Take right action. But don't  cling to outcomes. Stop looking for results, start becoming okay with what is.  Let life be life is the best advice I can give you. Stop trying to worry about making things the way you want them to be. You can still put right effort into things without worrying about them. 

 

Do you mediate, do you apply mindfulness? If not, do that. If so however, you can still be prone to this. Because I been there. But your forgetting to use the practise so you can realise, that no matter how life wants to be, you adapt and accept and love it. Don't try to force life to be the way you want it to be. Of course still work for what you want. But ultimately, you need to practise so you can be okay no matter what happens.

 

Remember, it is normal to feel like this socially if you haven't socialised. JUsrt slowly work your way up. Don't hold on to your ego. Don't hold on to making impressions. Dont hold on to anything. Just surrender. 

 

Learn to become more authentic. That means you accept your fuckups and flaws. You can still work to fix them. But while they are still with you, you embrace. That means, when you get too nervous you own it. You say to people "hey sorry this is just how i am feeling" you are not afraid to own your flaws. 

 

Also I know you may have social desires, such as wanting friends, love, or maybe to attract the opposite sex. But again, put the work in, but stop worrying about that results.

 

OUr bodies do stupid things that ruin our results, but we must accept it along with our flaws. For example, I went thought hell because I have an unknown disorder where my body collapses. This made me exremely anxious. It ruined my life. I would talk to girls and collapse infornt of them, it was terrible. But now I own it. When I collapse, or whatever, I just let people know. The truth to being authentic, is to let people know about your problems, so they can understand you

 

 

[Toby]

I don't see any problems here. As far as I understood, you want to study something else and move into a bigger city? Then do it. Doesn't matter if someone doesn't like it. Also, here in Germany there are lot's of good "spiritual teachers" if that is of any interest for you. It also depends where you live and what you study, so the change could actually help as well. Regarding your "emotional problems": everyone has emotional problems, some people are more anxious or introverted or "shy" or sensitive. Doesn't mean there is something wrong with you and it also doesn't mean it has to do something with you. Maybe you just feel or pick up other people's emotions and think they are yours, who knows.

[Principium Nexus]

Follow what you want to pursuit, thats the only way to be genuine with yourself. It looks like you have been wearing a mask and follow the things people say that will lead to a succesful life but this is probably not your way. Anxiety is created when you feel insecure about what you are doing and are not fully behind it. You can try to cope with your emotions and cary on forcing things or follow what you believe will make you more fullfilled. If it turns out to be something else you thought of then thats no problem, it's a continious path of self-discovery.

You are not alone there are many people who feel like this. Taking steps toward what you want makes you more comfortable in any situation.

[Life Coach]

I'm gonna go with the crowd here and call you a dude too. Dude, you need to chill out. Have you learned nothing at all, bro? It is ok homie. I had this phase too, being an extreme introvert and closing myself off from everyone. Get yourself a little rest and peace from the world, you earned it. My man, just reflect on it and stay at home meanwhile. Realize that you did nothing wrong, and you have no fault. Listen to your inner guidance, there is probaby a good reason for your behaviour. Between us two spiritual bros...maybe the universe is just upgrading you and those are only sings of ascension. You are on the right way. Take action whenever you feel ready, son.

[Nahm]

@clytaemnestra You just made the biggest step. Congrats.

Try to realize it is this low that you are in that brings the desires for what you want. You, like I did when I was 21, are having a lower low than most people. I know it's impossible to see this now, but it is a gift. The gift is to realize that you are not just going to "live to work" or accept what is. You are not going to just "get in line" and work your life away.  You are not depressed, you are an expander of the universe. Hang in there. You will bounce in perfect measure to soar to heights you can not even imagine right now. Some would ask for faith from you. I would suggest you realize that the universe is always expanding and then balancing. Use your ability to reason to know that there will be a ting to your current yang. And most importantly ....focus! Whatever you focus on becomes your experience and your experiences become your life. 

This IS what 21 is like. 

See that we stand to benefit most from what we realize we having been holding farthest away. When you say don't suggest meditation, you can realize that's because you stand to gain from it. think about it, if this were not true, you would not have typed it. 

It is not your fault. You are just thinking in terms of fault. Think in terms of adding to your experience and then expanding into the desirable things that the undesirable emotions bring to you. These emotions are there to guide you. Listen to them when they whisper from now on. There are 7 billion jobs. You get to pick one. You. get. To. Pick. 

 

 

[clytaemnestra]

@Christian, @kyle barnett, @Toby, @Principium Nexus, @Life Coach, @Nahm,

I just wanted to update with the situation two months after. First of, thank you for your answers, they've been very useful!  I read it on time, but I was all over the place for a longer period, so it took me a while to get on my feet again.

So, in short, I was still depressive, I had a shitty non-paid job, I got fired, my project collapsed, I was under a pressure by my family, friends, lived in a super-small place where everything reminded me how fucked up I was.. I talked with a friend of mine and he proposed me to move abroad just to change surrounding and due to better opportunities. It was a long way, in two months I sent over 50 applications, had 10+ interviews and I almost quitted, but somehow I just accepted that I'm a fucked up loser and the only way to go out of this state of mind is to work on my life, thus I was persistent and I believed I'll find something to start with. After 2 months of torture called trying to find a job, I got a job! It's astonishing that I found a job in a another country although I don't speak their language, the job was in my native language that's like useful for nothing and no one except expats speaks it abroad, but they needed one speaker and I was picked up out of many. And the job is account management, what I like doing and my R.I.P. failed project was in. Still can't believe it! I thought I'm not even qualified to wash dishes, but I ended up in a company where my skills are recognized and where I can grow. Then I realized how low opinion I had on myself, I worth a way much than I thought.

I started working and I feel better than ever! Now it's funny to me how much I was worrying about some stuff I don't give a shit anymore. My confidence came back and I feel overall very good.  

[Principium Nexus]

@clytaemnestra Great to hear! Understand that you on the right track and if things look a little grim after while again (which is normal) just remind yourself that the longterm path is always towards growth. I say this because thats how we go through these stages and its a nice reminder. Wish you all the best!

[jse]

On 06/02/2017 at 8:41 PM, Life Coach said:

I'm gonna go with the crowd here and call you a dude too. Dude, you need to chill out.

                    

Edited March 30, 2017 by jse

[clytaemnestra]

9 hours ago, jse said:

                    

Dudette!

[Loreena]

9 hours ago, jse said:

                    

We all like Buddha here. We are all buddettes !!

[Ry4n]

Hey @clytaemnestra, sorry to hear what you have been going through, that certainly sounds painful. While it does sound like you are having some mental health issues it's clear your past has been a big influence in that. If you are planning on leaving to live somewhere else that may be a good idea. Also I would probably see a therapist/psychologist, a good quality one will support you through your struggles and should give you some good tips for dealing with these issues. While I am certainly not qualified for advice (so don't take my word on it) I have a few tips for your issues. First of all as well as seeing a therapist, eating healthy and exercising regularly can be a good way to get you back on your feet. Also for your social anxiety I would recommend exposure therapy. The gist of this therapy is that you expose yourself to what scares you, in this case it would be social interactions, and to accept that fear and continue to socialise. Make sure you START SMALL and work your way up to more extroverted/scary scenarios. By doing this you show your brain that there is nothing to be afraid of, and eventually the primitive part of your brain will realise this and stop throwing those alarms inside your head telling you you're in danger when you're not. Also Acceptance and Commitment Therapy may also be of use to you. It combines cognitive behavioural therapy with mindfulness and living a life based on your values instead of your feelings. It teaches you how to not take your thoughts seriously, how to deal with painful emotions more effectively and live a better life. Also once you have made a recovery and reach a much happier place (and trust me if you do the work you absolutely will) I would recommend mindfulness and loving kindness meditation. Learning how to be kind to yourself will be super beneficial.

[clytaemnestra]

@Ry4n, thank you, but there has been an update in the story, I updated it recently in posts.

[Aladdin]

I should mention that your 21 and trust me that is young , the universe will eventually test you with happiness and give you great power but just be patient and try not to think to much and focus on one goal at a time and you will eventually be awakened sooner or later but the bigger test comes on how you deal with your happiness , so you have nothing to lose just smash it and work on at least one weakness and then you will see light 

Edited April 7, 2017 by Aladdin