Fear of opening my heart to a womans energy

[Thought Art]

So, recently at a networking event in my city I met a girl and it was love at first site for me. I could tell she was interested in me as well by her facial expression and her energy. I had never felt that level of energetic connection in a long time. It started to wake up parts of my nervous system that I think lay dormant most of the time. She got my instagram and she wanted to hang out and meditate with me, and we were gonna talk more about what we do. I teach Qigong, she is a life coach.

But, I realized that this love... This amazing female love energy. That I want more than anything... Brings with it so much pain, fear, and doubt. I over think, obsess and then I avoid. I asked her to hang out. She didn't respond all day and I kept checking my phone. Then, when I saw she had read it and didn't respond... I unfriended her and unsent the messages. I told her, I had a crush on her and so I would need to avoid her.

She was just at the spa. Nothing was wrong with the situation. Just my insides, unconscious beliefs and mental filters. Neurotic. Disorganized attachment style.

I did some tests, and I have an avoidant/ disorganized attachment style. I think I will need a coach before I start dating. So, I will need more income to afford a coach. So, right now my main focus is business, networking, achievement and developing more earnings. 

Then, I will begin dating again. There are so many potential mates out there I could fall deeply in love with and create a good life with. I have to be patient with myself and my fears and traumas and go about dating in a slow, intelligent way because it just hurts way to much. As soon as I have feelings for someone it feels like I am being stabbed in a the chest. Which, obviously means I can't love fully yet. 

A deep intimate relationship that is long term is one of my main goals in life. But, it much come from a solid foundation I am currently building.

Edited May 24, 2022 by Thought Art

[Raze]

To be honest such intense initial attraction like this is not love, it’s because they have matching neurosis with you and trigger them which creates intense chemistry, normally this results in toxic or dramatic relationships actually.

[Ulax]

@Raze ye might be limerence

[puporing]

@Thought Art I've been there. The thing you might not be ready to face is that there's prob some love deficiency you're trying to meet through romantic partners, perhaps one that you didn't get much of in childhood. When we didn't get much love and attention in our childhood, anyone who does give us (in the form of a romantic partner) can be very gripping and affect the core of our being in sometimes detrimental or unwanted ways - as it can get to a point where we become depressed and obsessed through our reliance of that other person. 

I'm making assumptions based on my experience/observations, it could be something else for you or just how you're wired. Some of us are just more sensitive and such too. 

In any case, I'm trying to say it's possible to be more free of that "chain" if you want to be. I've overcome quite a bit of it through therapy, psychedelics, and spirituality.

You're also good where you are. Find a way to invite more love into your life. Reach out or something.

Edited May 25, 2022 by puporing

[Thought Art]

9 hours ago, Raze said:

To be honest such intense initial attraction like this is not love, it’s because they have matching neurosis with you and trigger them which creates intense chemistry, normally this results in toxic or dramatic relationships actually.

Ahah, I think she is pretty grounded actually. 
 

I have attachment issues TO the groundedness and maturity of the person. These are my reactions to her. I think she’s pretty social and secure.

@puporing I think you are right. My triggers are from my past and things I have not healed and transcended. I feel totally fine being alone and prefer it. However, I know being in a relationship can bring a lot of love and additional quality to my existence. But, I have to go slowly.

Edited May 25, 2022 by Thought Art

[Thought Art]

This is gonna take some time. I wish I could love and just have a secure attachment style. The only option is to work through it. It shouldn’t be this hard or scary…. Lol

[Thought Art]

She literally just walked by holding another guys hand ?? what the literal fuck universe 

Here I am studying secure intimacy thinking about these feelings she stirred in me

and then she walks by the cafe holding some guys hand 

fuck 

all I can do is laugh

Edited May 25, 2022 by Thought Art

[Thought Art]

I’ve had so many egos, feelings, emotions since that networking event. 
 

I think only more socialization and then time to integrate, learn etc is going to do

I feel frozen, angry, memories and thoughts pass through my mind..

”Did she or god just fuck with me? I’ve never seen her before in my life and then she walks by with him?”.. she’s so cute

How can I see my potential for secure attachment and mature love despite this? 
 

I feel like I can’t focus right now. How lonely have I been? What is love? What is emotional mastery? What is secure attachment? What is love? What is being aware and conscious? 
 

What is my ability for secure attachment present at times and not at others 

Edited May 25, 2022 by Thought Art

[Thought Art]

I want to feel loved, held, connected, understood, seen, and to hold and feel connected to someone else. I want to touch skin. 
 

These feels like it’s years away. I’m getting older. What kind of God doesn’t love while it’s young? What kind of God dreams a dream like this

Women are so beautiful. I’d like to get to know and be with one I find beautiful. I’d like to be the man I know I can be. 

[Identity]

The first thing that comes to mind when reading this;

You want to learn how to love… so you are going to invest your energy into business, to than in some unsure future come back to love?

What if that story is just another sneaky way of your ego avoiding love?

What if you would walk the direct path instead and let the light of love burn away your fears and limitations?

[Thought Art]

@Identity I can’t live without money 

and she clearly has a boyfriend 

so, I need to move on anyway 

[JonasVE12]

@Thought Art What if healing this issue is the catalyst you need to grow your business? What I notice is that when I am caught up in fulfilling my own desires, I lack the authenticity, diligence and clarity to add true value to people. It felt almost fake, in a sense, to help people while I wasn't really fulfilled. The business I did in the past was all about me. There was no personal energy behind it. 

It's mostly through getting out on the other side where you is no longer a concern that it all shifts. You are happy, fulfilled and at peace. And now the orientation really shifts to spreading that peace and love with others. And people can feel that. When you resolve your own limitations, that automatically gives you more wisdom and understanding to really connect to people on a deeper level. You also have a lot more clarity about what your actual role is, what your business represents, and it becomes something much more personal. I read that you do Qigong. I'm already imagining how beneficial qigong could be in your own issues, and how you could make a business out of this in relation to helping people dealing with your own struggle.

Even though now in your mind, you have an attachment that say's 'I close my attention towards this love struggle because my business is more fundamental', you could still expand your attention a little bit and work on the issue now. Your mind will always come up with good sounding excuses in order to avoid. You will find the best of excuses to keep identifying with your avoiding strategies. You might even now defend your own excuse in order to not give it up. It feels threatening. 

The thing is. Your repressed feelings got triggered by luck. You may feel undeserving internally, and you have been deprived from this incredible feeling feminine energy and beauty. And so now you try to attach yourself to it because you don't want to lose the beauty. You feel like it's your only chance in a way. 

What you can do to really grow here is to not rely on chance to be triggered and to become a leader in your own love life. There are millions of these women outside when you walk down the street. Learn to approach them without needing any container. Wherever. Learn to become peaceful, grounded and heart-centered when doing the approaches. Learn to let go of fear, shame and guilt. In one hour, you can do many approaches. You also don't have to be direct at first. You can just ask the time, but work on how you're feeling when you are in front of her. Feeling more grounded and peaceful each time. And work up until you feel a sense of oneness with them and you are permanently embodied in your own groundedness. 

You will notice that if you make this approach about your own internal growth, that it will be super rewarding and very healing. Approaching women is doing that shadow work interactively with real women. Now in that moment you make changes in how you feel in your body. You learn to become less reactive and attached. More open. Grounded. You become grounded-vulnerable instead of reactive needy-vulnerable.

When you come at the point that your heart opens, and when you really stay connected to your whole body, women will open up to you like magic. When you release all those patterns of reactivity you have now, they will start to be pulled into you and you will experience this feminine beauty and love all the time. You'll have more girlfriends than you can handle. 

First you focus on being fully embodied while approaching. You don't focus on dates. You just focus on having a joyful, connected and man-women conversation. 

Dates will follow automatically when you get there. And now you focus on becoming embodied in dates as well. But you'll not rely on chance anymore. You won't have to become needy to get her on a date. Your new level of feeling embodiment when approaching women will lead to so many dates. You can have dates whenever you want.

Approaching women is super powerful in fixing all of this, man. 

How much resistance do you feel thinking about approaching random attractive women you see on the street right now? Are you fully confident or do you feel reactive? Do you see why this is so powerful? It's when you become proactive inside this resistance that you will heal. Your mind will always tell you it's not the time. Make a commitment to approach 10 000 women. Don't let your mind say 'I'll do it when....' 

You can literally take control of your mind right now, generate love and liberation inside your fear and then do what you have to do and celebrate every moment. 

Can you put your hand up in the air now after reading?

Can you lift your 2 feet up? 

Can you move 1 meter to your door?

Can you step outside your building now?

Can you go up to her?

You can! Do it now man! Come on 

Infuse your consciousness now all the courage you can gather. Infuse your thought process with powerful energy. You can change all of this now. You can liberate yourself now. Will you do it is the question.

[EternalForest]

@JonasVE12 

Hey man, I can tell you put a lot of effort into your response so I don't want this to come off the wrong way, but just a bit of constructive criticism...It sounds like you're spending more time trying to sell him some pipe dream or blow smoke up his ass than genuinely trying to help him. 

Do you understand what it's like to be so deprived of love that the moment someone doesn't respond to your message you delete them out of frustration? Do you understand the pain of seeing someone that you've fallen in love with at first sight walk right in front of you with another guy? Do you understand how it feels to never have a genuine connection with 50% of the population? And I ask these questions not with the insinuations that any woman owes him or I anything. I ask this question because I don't think you understand the deep pain and scars that come from rejection over and over and over again. All this adds up, and it's not as simple as "there are millions of women on the street, so go start that joyful and connected conversation". He can't. He's unable to. He needs to learn how. And nothing in your post gave him any practical steps to get there.

Thing is, even though what you're talking about may not seem like an ulterior motive, it is. Using picking up women as some tool for him to gain confidence to build his business. No, that's all backwards. He should build the business first, then worry about picking up women... He needs to sit in a room alone and deeply feel everything he's feeling, and let it out in any way he needs to. He needs to find a way to build the strength you need to make his goals happen, and along the way, look for someone to love. It doesn't have to be one or the other first. One does not have to come before the other. Choosing to build his business now is not avoidance as long as he's handling his emotions in a healthy way.

Again, I do not intend for this response to be combative. Your intentions are good, but I think what you wrote feels like it could be some random blog article than genuine advice for this guy. And you might say, well why don't I write my own advice? The truth is, I can't. Because I'm going through the same issues. But I can tell you that when you're sitting in the face of years of rejection, you can't be this glowing ball of liberated love and surprise everyone with your charismatic ways. Not everyone is built that that. That isn't everyone's personality. 

I am a logical and introverted person, but also creative. I want to use my creativity to bring joy to people. That gives me purpose. I'm not good with people, and I'm not good at directly interacting in positive ways with other people, despite any good intentions I may have. But I know the things that I've created have impact. I can see it. By your logic, are my goals self serving? That I can't use my art to make people happy just because I don't have some buzzwords like "authenticity" "diligence" or "clarity"? So it won't be genuine? Maybe I don't have those things, in spades like some may. But guess what? I don't care. I follow my heart and live my highest truth, even if no one else loves me.

[JonasVE12]

1 hour ago, EternalForest said:

Do you understand what it's like to be so deprived of love that the moment someone doesn't respond to your message you delete them out of frustration? Do you understand the pain of seeing someone that you've fallen in love with at first sight walk right in front of you with another guy? Do you understand how it feels to never have a genuine connection with 50% of the population? And I ask these questions not with the insinuations that any woman owes him or I anything. I ask this question because I don't think you understand the deep pain and scars that come from rejection over and over and over again.

I have been there. Deeper than you'd think. But so what? It's okay to be in that pain, but should my reply be about that? Should we all just say 'I'm so sorry, I know it hurts but you're gonna be fine. You're a good boy and someone is going to love you sooner or later! Come here so I can give you a hug'

What's beyond the pain? Have you guys ever looked for the experiences beyond the pain and actually contemplated deeply how to get past this problem? 

My post didn't give any practical steps? What do you need? What do you want? This issue isn't going to fix itself spontaneously by me or anyone else giving you a 10-step process where you just mechanically go through the steps. Neither is going to a coach going to fix you. 

You're only going to get past this problem by stopping to need someone to hold your hand and to go face your pains heads on, not from anger, but from courage and acceptance. If you can't transcend your own pain and unhappiness now, and project into the future, your ideal self, align the now with that projection, then you're simply going to stay stuck. How long are you going to wait to become truly happy? How long are you going to work on your business? What do you actually want? Do you want happiness or do you think you want happiness? You need to let go of everything in order to be happy and then your life will come to you with ease. 

1 hour ago, EternalForest said:

All this adds up, and it's not as simple as "there are millions of women on the street, so go start that joyful and connected conversation". He can't. He's unable to. He needs to learn how. And nothing in your post gave him any practical steps to get there.

This process is not about practical steps at this early stage. That can come in eventually, but in this stage, it should be about getting clarity and getting an intuition for what is necessary to change. How you heal this part of your psyche is to go out there, to talk to women in real life, to let yourself get triggered, just like what happened with OP in this circumstance. And then you're going to release on all the emotions that come up. That's interactive psychotherapy. It's not at home that you're going to heal. It's through releasing all your aversions and attachments WHILE in the face of real women. Because that's where OP's attachment issues reside. It's through remapping the patterns in his nervous system and mind that you heal your heart naturally. And that growth is instantly being mirrored by real women in real time (when you do this interactively when approaching women). And that is super essential in growing this area. It's all interactive. You can do some of this remapping at home, partly. But 90% is going to come through connecting with real women, through approaching them, and then while doing that, you're going to REMAP. The thing is. OP hasn't replied on my post, so I'm not going to give more practical steps. He simply is not ready to face this part of his life and in avoidance. His mind is oriented elsewhere.

He hinted that he will need a coach. What will the coach suggest? Will he say to stay at home and meditate?

Why do you think I care to make such a long post to OP? Because the struggle I had in this area was my deepest pain in my life for the longest time. The kind of resistance I had towards meeting other people was making me miserable. I had no one. I was lonely as fuck. I couldn't get out there because my body would freeze with fear and shame. If someone talked to me, I would almost run away and shit my pants. 

The only thing that fixed it for me, was approaching women and people. And then making it all about how I felt in the face of meeting them, letting go of all my attachments.

It's not about going out there and instantly making good connections with people. It's about going up to people and growing each time, becoming free from outcome, becoming relaxed, becoming at ease with yourself, becoming giving and peaceful, becoming grounded, loving, open, sexual, present. 

And that's a process. You can even ask for god damm directions to starbucks at the beginning stages. And that's also super impactful if you do that daily 10 times or more, for lets say a month. 

Or just saying hi to everyone on the street and practicing becoming comfortable being rejected when people don't say HI back.

It's all about becoming comfortable with your own vulnerability and becoming grounded in that. 

Each time you work on getting little improvements in the way you show up, in the way you relate to yourself when showing up, etc.....

1 hour ago, EternalForest said:

Thing is, even though what you're talking about may not seem like an ulterior motive, it is. Using picking up women as some tool for him to gain confidence to build his business. No, that's all backwards. He should build the business first, then worry about picking up women... He needs to sit in a room alone and deeply feel everything he's feeling, and let it out in any way he needs to. He needs to find a way to build the strength you need to make his goals happen, and along the way, look for someone to love. It doesn't have to be one or the other first. One does not have to come before the other. Choosing to build his business now is not avoidance as long as he's handling his emotions in a healthy way.

I'm not talking about picking up women, lol. I'm talking about liberating yourself from your emotions through interactive psychotherapy with real women. Through approaching them and letting yourself be triggered. It's about becoming happy. It's about creating a strong sense of self. Letting go of your baggage. 

And do you think that's all done from the comfort of your own house? You just sit in your room, in your meditation pose, you ask yourself to bring up all your emotions and boom, now God asks you 'Do you want to let it go and live a happy life?' And then you say 'Yes'.

Lol, it doesn't work like that.  

Simply look at what happened now in this situation with OP, where he got triggered by this woman. Are you seeing opportunity to release and become more whole? Are you seeing the opportunity to create a stronger sense of self through releasing internally the attachments that come up? Are you seeing opportunity to remap?

Or are you simply being reactive to the pain and wanting to avoid further?

Or are you already looking for the experience beyond the pain and thus releasing past it? Growing from it?

You can literally go outside right now and approach real women and become your own container. You take charge of who you want to become. 
You stop being reactive and sitting in your pain all day long. Yes, you become comfortable with your pain. But that's not going to change the rest.

1 hour ago, EternalForest said:

Again, I do not intend for this response to be combative. Your intentions are good, but I think what you wrote feels like it could be some random blog article than genuine advice for this guy. And you might say, well why don't I write my own advice? The truth is, I can't. Because I'm going through the same issues. But I can tell you that when you're sitting in the face of years of rejection, you can't be this glowing ball of liberated love and surprise everyone with your charismatic ways. Not everyone is built that that. That isn't everyone's personality. 

I am a logical and introverted person, but also creative. I want to use my creativity to bring joy to people. That gives me purpose. I'm not good with people, and I'm not good at directly interacting in positive ways with other people, despite any good intentions I may have. But I know the things that I've created have impact. I can see it. By your logic, are my goals self serving? That I can't use my art to make people happy just because I don't have some buzzwords like "authenticity" "diligence" or "clarity"? So it won't be genuine? Maybe I don't have those things, in spades like some may. But guess what? I don't care. I follow my heart and live my highest truth, even if no one else loves me.

And what does this say about you? Maybe you are just feeling powerless in going out and facing your struggles heads on. And you spend your time writing an opposing comment to me.

Why? You are avoiding the recognition that you are avoiding as well?

How would you feel right now going outside, approaching a woman and telling her she is beautiful? What stories, feelings do come up now?

If you could release all those from the comfort of your own home, why haven't you?

And about the business stuff. That sounds nice what you say, but your business is always going to be operating as a reflection of your own internal contraction. If you expand internally, your business is going to align to that and it's going to be way more YOU. 

If this sounds arrogant and all of that, I'd reflect on why that is so. I've come from very deep in this area. I can read from your posts exactly the reason for why you are stuck in this area. And I'm not going to hide it from you. 

Your whole reply might be a way to reinforce your identification with your own coping strategies. That's just what the ego does. 

How long are you all going to wait to become happy? When are you actually going to become committed on healing this? For how long does your business need to be a way to avoid? Can't you see it? 

[JonasVE12]

When the woman with the other guy passed, God is literally SHOWING you, RIGHT IN YOUR FACE that you need to change your internal landscape. 

HE IS THAT SMART. RIGHT IN YOUR FUCKING FACE. LOL. 

He is doing you a favor. 

He is reaching out his hand for you. 

[StarStruck]

Bro you are going way to fast. Girls are like cats. If you hold your hand out the first time and she doesn’t come have some patience.  Perhaps she needs some time. What you did was just project your own pain onto her and scared her off with your hissy fit. 

Also if you are so into a girl and are so invested while she is not, it is a huge red flag for girls. Emotional investment has to be done gradually and calibrated to her emotional investment. 

[Preety_India]

You seem too emotional. 

 

[Jacob Morres]

@Thought Art just saying sorry for off topic - but in my understanding the spark can be slightly misleading. i think it is important but it's not enough to determine compatability 

[SonataAllegro]

2 hours ago, Jacob Morres said:

@Thought Art just saying sorry for off topic - but in my understanding the spark can be slightly misleading. i think it is important but it's not enough to determine compatability 

^^^^^

your only mistake here was romanticization. Learn not to trust your romanticizing mind. Treat it like a toddler telling you about Santa clause. Compassionate disbelief.

[Thought Art]

@SonataAllegro It seems to be deeper than my intellectual process.

I never said "She's the one!!! " 

I said, my cognitive process and nervous system were triggered.

Edited May 30, 2022 by Thought Art