I have anger issues that is morphing into hatred

[somegirl]

I have noticed I constantly have intrusive thoughts that pop into my head throughout the day, that remind me of things that make me feel angry or upset. It's like I can't let go of things that once happened.

I am especially awfully triggered by someone being disrespectful towards me or treating me "less than" or like I'm stupid. Oh god... I go into rage. My heart starts beating fast and adrenaline goes up in some instances, and I can get so nasty. I don't know if that's normal (since noone likes being disrespected, I imagine). 

And the moment I enter that vicious circle of anger, it's so hard for me to control myself. It's like I am not me anymore.

I have noticed I am becoming this negative person, as a result of these intrusive thoughts that keep reminding me of things that upset me throughout the day, and I notice that hatred is slowly developing inside me. And this is exactly what I don't want to happen. I fear my friends wouldn't want to talk to me because they would be too afraid of my energy. 

Like, I don't just get angry anymore, I start hating and cussing (inside of my head) and wishing the worst for that person that did me wrong.

How do I change this? This is a problem that lasts for a few years now.

What is the healthy way of dealing with people who might disrespect me in the future?

Edited May 24, 2022 by somegirl

[egoeimai]

Im so sorry girl. I really dont know. Maybe when you try to be in their shoes you will understand that we all fight for survival. Every person does and says things to fulfill that need. So don't stress too much about it. They forget so you'll have to do too. Maybe some healing energy will make you feel better. 

[Eph75]

@somegirl If the solution involves fully focusing on yourself and making changes in how you function, are you still willing to make the changes that are needed?

Or are you externally focused, looking for changing or interacting with those that trigger you, so that they change their behaviors? 

Only one of these are in your control. 

 

 

Edited May 24, 2022 by Eph75

[JonasVE12]

59 minutes ago, somegirl said:

I have noticed I constantly have intrusive thoughts that pop into my head throughout the day, that remind me of things that make me feel angry or upset. It's like I can't let go of things that once happened.

I am especially awfully triggered by someone being disrespectful towards me or treating me "less than" or like I'm stupid. Oh god... I go into rage. My heart starts beating fast and adrenaline goes up in some instances, and I can get so nasty. I don't know if that's normal (since noone likes being disrespected, I imagine). 

And the moment I enter that vicious circle of anger, it's so hard for me to control myself. It's like I am not me anymore.

I have noticed I am becoming this negative person, as a result of these intrusive thoughts that keep reminding me of things that upset me throughout the day, and I notice that hatred is slowly developing inside me. And this is exactly what I don't want to happen. I fear my friends wouldn't want to talk to me because they would be too afraid of my energy. 

Like, I don't just get angry anymore, I start hating and cussing (inside of my head) and wishing the worst for that person that did me wrong.

How do I change this? This is a problem that lasts for a few years now.

What is the healthy way of dealing with people who might disrespect me in the future?

Anger is a reactive feeling in response to another lower emotion that gets triggered. Seems to be shame from what you're saying here. A sense of not being good enough. And then when a situation, or the spontaneous remembering of the situation triggers that feeling of shame, the anger is the reactivity to that underlying feeling. It's more painful to look internally and feel the feeling of not being good enough than to look externally and deny the feeling.

The thing is, anger is not a wrong emotion. It is as healthy as any other emotion. But there is also 2 different orientations that you can have towards the anger. Proactive or reactive. Reactive is unhealthy. Proactive is healthy. When you are reactive, either you push the anger down and become guilty and shameful in response to feeling anger, which contributes to building a reservoir of repressed anger which when you can't hold it anymore, it explodes with overwhelming intensity. Or, if you don't push the anger down, you become so reactive that you lose control to it and that it overpowers you and you get into this intense spin of rage, both in thinking and feeling. 

When you are proactive with anger, you don't lose control to it. You feel it fully. You feel it's intensity and instead of using the intensity to attack the world, you turn the anger in on itself, revealing the emotion underneath the anger, eg the shame. Then you process that emotion underneath through awareness. You just stay with it, you welcome it, you detach yourself from the content and you transmute it all the way to love. You literally feel your heart opening to whatever feeling is underneath the anger.

You welcome those sensations fully and you feel a sense of power in welcoming those sensations of shame. When you do this, you are going up in courage, and then you are already going to get out of anger, because courage is a higher vibration than anger. It is courage which is needed to reveal the shame underneath, and feeling that you can handle that shame. And then you go from courage all the way to acceptance and love if you learn to sit with the insecurity and generate love to overpower it. 

And also, if someone is acting disrespectfully towards you, try to breath into your body, feeling any sense of reactivity. Then try to feel that sense of courage to see that however that person is treating you, doesn't say anything about you. Your nervous system will probably already react because that sense of shame is being triggered and then anger is using that to distract yourself from it. But what you can do now is stay with that reactivity and become proactive within it. Look at the person, feel love towards him and forgive him. Feel your sense of power in doing that.

And then from that sense of love and power, you can react. You can either walk away or put him in his place. But doing it from proactivity is the way to do it, not reactivity. 

Edited May 24, 2022 by JonasVE12

[Loving Radiance]

This definitely the case for me too. For me it stems from childhood & teenage years. Older brothers & classmates 'n stuff.

When you feel yourself being triggered, go out of the situation and make a hand scream in order to feel your anger. There are lots of tools for this, but I found the hand scream to be effective, because I can use it quickly no matter where I am.

[Raze]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BVqANXVTLN4

http://happinessbeyondthought.blogspot.com/2012/05/surrendering-i-letting-go-of-suffering.html

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MU1Rp184IT4

 

https://www.shinzen.org/store/enlightened-rage/

[Breakingthewall]

I've had that kind of problem and I've ruminated hate a lot. Let's see, when someone disrespects you, humiliates you, etc, they leave a mark on you, right? you can't forget it, it will corrode you like acid even if you don't want to. You can't turn the other cheek, impossible. then, the solution is not difficult. It's not usual to be disrespected, right? but it can happen. if it happens, just react. in a serious, strong, hard, tough, aggressive, merciless, murderous way (the last one is a joke). do it in such a way that you think: I have gone too far, I should apologize because this person makes me feel sorry for how I have crushed him. And that's it, the hate disappears, there is pity. It may be simplistic and not very spiritual, but it is the only thing that has worked for me. There is a situation where me or the other is going to feel bad. So i choose that the other is who is going to ruminate. having thought about it before being such an idiot. The possibility of the situation could finish quite bad exist, but what to do? If you want peace, be ready for war

Edited May 24, 2022 by Breakingthewall

[somegirl]

4 hours ago, Loving Radiance said:

This definitely the case for me too. For me it stems from childhood & teenage years. Older brothers & classmates 'n stuff.

Ohh, yep..

Definitely the case for me too, I think.

Older brother, although he was joking with the teasings while I was growing up, I would sometimes beg for him to stop with it because it bothered me so much and he never ever would. Never heard what I was saying.

And then in high school I was such a people pleaser and people exploited that and I got the short end of the stick. Was angry for a long time and it felt like an injustice was done upon me for being disrespected and all I did was be a nice person. Well, not anymore after that. 

Now I almost want to scare people away if I see signs of disrespect, so it doesn't cross their minds to do anything like that to me again. 

Well, this is at least my assumption and theory of what's happening.

4 hours ago, Loving Radiance said:

When you feel yourself being triggered, go out of the situation and make a hand scream in order to feel your anger. There are lots of tools for this, but I found the hand scream to be effective, because I can use it quickly no matter where I am.

I feel screaming would help me but I unfortunately cannot do that because of neighbors that will for sure hear me lol.

[somegirl]

6 hours ago, egoeimai said:

Im so sorry girl. I really dont know. Maybe when you try to be in their shoes you will understand that we all fight for survival. Every person does and says things to fulfill that need. So don't stress too much about it. They forget so you'll have to do too. Maybe some healing energy will make you feel better. 

Yeah, I understand on a superficial level that people do stuff to survive and fulfill their selfish needs even at the expense of others.

I just get angry that they feel comfortable to choose me. 

And I know I cannot expect to manage to avoid every "bad" person in life, I just take it to heart too much. I take it so personally.

Edited May 25, 2022 by somegirl

[somegirl]

6 hours ago, Eph75 said:

 If the solution involves fully focusing on yourself and making changes in how you function, are you still willing to make the changes that are needed?

Or are you externally focused, looking for changing or interacting with those that trigger you, so that they change their behaviors? 

Of course I don't want to waste my time changing others. 

I want to manage my anger/rage better. I don't want to be this negative person full of hatred. I want the very opposite of that.

I think, because I take things to heart, that I equate someone's behaviour towards me to be the very evidence of my worth or lack thereof. So if someone is being disrespectful, I interpret it like I seem too stupid/weak enough for them to choose me as their target. And I get triggered because it already happened to me in the past.  So I rage because I freaking don't want it to happen again. I want to protect myself and let people know I am not the one to mess with.

Though I go overboard with it, I get filled with hatred and negativity and keep ruining my mood in the following days or months or years by these intrusive thoughts.

Basically this is how it goes.

Edited May 25, 2022 by somegirl

[somegirl]

5 hours ago, JonasVE12 said:

Anger is a reactive feeling in response to another lower emotion that gets triggered. Seems to be shame from what you're saying here. A sense of not being good enough

Wow, this is good guess. I would say a sense of not being enough for sure. Though I don't know how shame plays a role in that. 

Like I am ashamed of myself?

6 hours ago, JonasVE12 said:

When you are proactive with anger, you don't lose control to it. You feel it fully. You feel it's intensity and instead of using the intensity to attack the world, you turn the anger in on itself, revealing the emotion underneath the anger, eg the shame. Then you process that emotion underneath through awareness. You just stay with it, you welcome it, you detach yourself from the content and you transmute it all the way to love. You literally feel your heart opening to whatever feeling is underneath the anger.

Oh god... This is so hard. To welcome my anger and let myself feel it fully AS I'm angry? That's almost impossible. 

When I get angry, I almost can't control what I think. I feel so so bad inside my head and ao uncomfortable that I just need to let it out. I have low tolerance for uncomfortable feelings, I just want to get rid of them as soon as possible. 

Awareness would help me, I am almodt certain, I'm just not sure how realistic that is for me. 

I told myself 100 times I will pause and take a breath whenever I feel triggered or angry, but every time I failed. Every time. Something just takes over me.

6 hours ago, JonasVE12 said:

You welcome those sensations fully and you feel a sense of power in welcoming those sensations of shame. When you do this, you are going up in courage, and then you are already going to get out of anger, because courage is a higher vibration than anger. It is courage which is needed to reveal the shame underneath, and feeling that you can handle that shame. And then you go from courage all the way to acceptance and love if you learn to sit with the insecurity and generate love to overpower it. 

This sounds like a meditation technique.

I appreciate you writing all of this and I feel it is true and would help me fix this. I just don't know, it's easy for me to write that I will try it, but I just know that in practice and in reality, the moment I feel anger is the moment any rational thought goes out of the window...

6 hours ago, JonasVE12 said:

And also, if someone is acting disrespectfully towards you, try to breath into your body, feeling any sense of reactivity. Then try to feel that sense of courage to see that however that person is treating you, doesn't say anything about you

This is so important and I keep reminding myself of this fact.

6 hours ago, JonasVE12 said:

Your nervous system will probably already react because that sense of shame is being triggered and then anger is using that to distract yourself from it. But what you can do now is stay with that reactivity and become proactive within it.

I understand now how this works... I will look into it, what is behind this anger. Makes sense with that shame thing. I just don't know if it is shame for me. 

6 hours ago, JonasVE12 said:

Look at the person, feel love towards him and forgive him. Feel your sense of power in doing that.

And then from that sense of love and power, you can react. You can either walk away or put him in his place. But doing it from proactivity is the way to do it, not reactivity. 

Got it...

Yeah it requires such big courage to love somebody that hurt you. But when you manage to do so, you would be making a decision from a higher vibration, not low vibration that would make you regret things. 

[soos_mite_ah]

7 hours ago, somegirl said:

I am especially awfully triggered by someone being disrespectful towards me or treating me "less than" or like I'm stupid. Oh god... I go into rage. My heart starts beating fast and adrenaline goes up in some instances, and I can get so nasty. I don't know if that's normal (since noone likes being disrespected, I imagine). 

I mean, I think it depends on the context. It's perfectly normal, and even necessary to feel some kind of anger when you are being disrespected. Anger as an emotion tells us where our boundaries are and what we need from a situation by reacting negatively towards what is not for our good. Now, what determines how healthy this anger is #1 how you go about regulating and expressing the anger and #2 to what extent is it pointing towards our highest good.  

7 hours ago, somegirl said:

I have noticed I am becoming this negative person, as a result of these intrusive thoughts that keep reminding me of things that upset me throughout the day, and I notice that hatred is slowly developing inside me. And this is exactly what I don't want to happen. I fear my friends wouldn't want to talk to me because they would be too afraid of my energy. 

If anger is a more consistent thing, it can be a good idea to check in with yourself regarding what consistent element is causing the anger. Maybe there is a pattern or a type of person, or a certain environment that is really not meshing with you well and that is eroding you slowly to where there is more negtivity emotionally. Because things like bitterness and resentment (not saying that's exactly what you're expecting, idk what's happening in your head) aren't things that come up in an instant rather it is things that build up over time. 

7 hours ago, somegirl said:

What is the healthy way of dealing with people who might disrespect me in the future?

Since I don't know the context of this situation, I am going to be giving pretty general advice so this may or may not be helpful. First, it's important to understand why you feel angry, what's triggering it, and to what extent does it make sense. Then, after identifying that,  you could decide to further go into yourself if it's a personal issue that is being triggered by past traumas or experiences, or you can go more externally where you set boundaries with the people disrespecting you. It's important to do the later during a time when you have gotten a chance to calm down or do it preemptively (i.e. instead of getting annoyed and angry over time, let someone know something is bothering you the first time it happens instead of waiting for the second or third time when you really get pissed off). When you're having this conversation with someone, it's best to not assume ill will right off the bat. Instead of focussing on accusing someone, focus on how you feel about the situation and relize this is one way of looking at it. Sometimes people do things that can look disrespectful without meaning to do hurt anyone so it's important to go into these conversations with a calm and open mind. Then set the boundary. Depending on how the conversation goes, this can go one of two ways. One way is that yall collaborate and find ways to understand each other and come up with a solution, or another way is that this person gets offended and starts getting combative. If it's the later, you know this person is doing this intentionally and that's even more of a reason to have some strong boundaries and maybe even distance youself from this person if it is an option. If it's the former, well you still get your boundaries because the other person is respecting them. 

  

Since a lot of how people deal with conflict and anger has to do with the situation, I think it would be really helpful if you included some examples of situations that are causing anger issues or just your history with dealing with anger. I know earlier in the thread you did mention that you had some people pleaser tendencies and I think that can be a factor in some of this but then again, it's difficult to tell since, again, don't have much context. 

[Eph75]

4 hours ago, somegirl said:

Of course I don't want to waste my time changing others. 

I want to manage my anger/rage better. I don't want to be this negative person full of hatred. I want the very opposite of that.

That's a great start! 

Sorry, this got long, but it's a complex topic.

So regardless of what the trigger is, the work that is needed is within you. 

The result is that you better manage the anger impuls, and the outcome become at all times more constructive. 

That's the end game; emotional mastery.

This should by no means be confused with emotial suppression, that a no go.

It also does not mean engaging in the anger that involves acting out of aggression, which would be destructive.

Destructive for two reasons, it births negative side effects in the external world, and, it creates a pattern of more easily channeling anger into agression, every time we allow it to. 

Our brain builds patterns, it's like a muscle flexing, getting stronger with the type of practice we do, building stronger neural pathways that create strong behaviors that we default to, more easily and quicker, without being able to interact with ourselves inbetween the impulse and a knee-jerk response.

That's the first thing that we want to do, to work on creating time/space between the anger impulse and our response, in which we can rationally reason with ourselves to make sense of what's going on. 

And, based on that reasoning, we can choose the most constructive response that we can come up with. 

As we do this, we create new neural pathways, that can grow stronger and overshadow our older default pathways, building a strong habit, of being in control of that unfolding. 

CBT (Cognitive Behavior Therapy) is often used to achieve this, and it's focusing on our cognitive/inner behaviors that produces the our outward behaviors, through which we interact with the outer world; people and circumstances. 

It's in our cognition that we attach meaning to what happened. And it's this internl world that we can control, and grow towards mastery. 

Anger (and all other emotions) is based on an impuls that has a message for us, that is useful to us, and that we need to listen to, as it's telling us something, and is calling out for us to take some action. 

@JonasVE12 already talked about this. 

Let's make a distinction between anger and anger. 

There's anger that wants you to take external world action, and this is about someone infringing on you as a person, overstepping your personal boundaries (psysically or mentally), and is calling our for you to establish (or reaffirm) those outward boundaries, so that you maintain (or build-up) your self-worth, self-esteem, and so on.

Action: Let others know they've overstepped your boundaries. 

And then there is anger that is a product of an underlying emotional impulse, where feelings are layered, much like an union, and where the outermost layer is experienced, as anger. 

Action: Introspection. 

The first kind is ambiguous, as it's hard to know, without deep enough self-awareness and self-knowledge, whether your outward boundaries that you perceived was overstepped, are healthy or dysfunctional boundaries. 

Your boundaries may be dysfuntional based on the second kind of anger, where the layer effect as made you overly sensitive towards outside phenomena.

Some people are hypersensitive with very dysfunctional boundaries, flying off the walls for everything that happens, typically seen with people that have victim mentality, that perceive the world is against them. 

Others have let's people infringe on their personal space to such a degree that there's little sense of self left, with resulting low self-esteem and self-worth. People-pleasers and yes-sayers that disregard their own needs are in this risk group. 

Action in both cases: Working on self to reduce boundaries (first case) , or increase boundaries (second case) , so they are no longer dysfunctional.

And to be able to do this, we need to focus inwardly, and not get hung up with others and circumstances, as the change needs to happen within us. 

Suppressed anger is like a glass of water. That glass keeps filling up, drop by drop, and a lot of us are walking about with full glasses. 

One single drop, regardless of the significance of that drop, causes an overfilled glass to overflow, resulting in uncontrolled engagement in outwards facing aggression; active or passive aggression. 

This is why CBT is so important. 

A) We're not very able to do self-therapy, as our ego is defending our own behaviors, not allowing us to ask ourselves the right questions, let along, producing answers that don't reaffirm the ego. And we're stuck within our own frame so to speak. 

Although, it is possible, with the right motivation to change, to start building self-awareness and self-knowledge around our anger (emotions) management, to build understanding of what triggers us. 

B) Therapy trains us around general cognitive behvaior understanding, and being able to learn to choose to leverage our behaviors to product constructive, positive change in our lives. 

In that sense, it's training in self-management. 

This is where our focus really matter. 

If we're externally focus our efforts, we're engaged with blame and justification, removing our own responsibility and ability to learn to manage ourselves. 

If we internally focus our efforts, we're engaged with blaming ourselves, and feeling obligated to absorb external phenomena.

Or a combination of both.

The latter build up internal pressure until we snap, until that glass of water is full, and overflows onto "someone". That someone is often not deserving of our "full wrath" being released, as it's often misdirected and exaggerated. 

If we reach such a point that we focus internally, to create time inbetween our impulses and our responses, we can examine our triggers, choose differently, having more constructive responses, and as a result we create change. 

We change ourselves, how we function internally, and how we manage to interact with what's external to us.

A side-effect from this is that it also changes other's responses to our behaviors (cause and effect), which interestingly can catalyze positive and permanent change within others or your relationship.

That means, managing our emotions can and will be hugely rewarding, to ourselves and those around us. 

Sounds grand doesn't it?

It's not easy, it takes dedication and persistence. We need to make a mission out of it. 

And most of all, it takes the disengaging with aggressive responses to force ourselves to create that space, so that we can keep practicing emotional mastery. 

Part of this focused effort/practice need to include better understanding emotions, and to be able to go deeper into the different layers of our emotions, to find the underlying emotions that are causing the outer layer emotional expression. 

Anger let into aggression is our sledgehammer that brings vengeance onto the world. There are reasons why we grab that hammer, and that's what we need to learn to see, what the underlying need is, so that we can work on and understand those needs. 

We also need to beware, that anger is also a drug, aggression can make us feel powerful and in control.

And we might start using it as a drug, to get a false sense of power and control, causing us to feel good about ourselves, that even further shields us from seeing the underlying emotions around which we lack control.

Apart from CBT, we need to learn more about emotions and what they are meant for.

Tomkins Affect Theory can help with this, and in combination with keeping an emotions journal it can be very effective.

Journaling to capture the feelings you've experienced in each day, the intensitet of those feelings, and what might have caused them.

Possibly using tools like the "emotions wheel" (Google for different versions and instructions) to help add nuances to our base emotions, helps us to get more "in touch" with our feelings, and build awareness and knowledge of ourselves, and our triggers. 

Essentially what I'm saying here is that you need to channel the desire to not be an angry person, into building emotional mastery. 

It's not easy, but it can happen surprisingly quickly, to such a degree that we are able to manage our responses. 

Moving from catching our anger after the fact, into the moment of engaging with it, and then before, where we can choose not to engage, or to engage constructively.

With time, and within introspection, also our triggers grow smaller, and the number of triggers reduces.

This is an attempt to point at the start of a process. It's fairly straight forward and a matter of building strong enough intention and motivation to engage with. 

The complexity is brought by your relationship to each emotion and your history, and the emotional bagage that you have accumulated over a very long period of time. 

Also, a final note; I just want to point out that "no action" is a perfectly valid action, and often the best action. 

And sometimes, choosing to take no action in the heat of the moment is what we need to reassess the situation once the anger and adrenaline has settled, at a time when we're more capable to be constructive. 

While we're "seeing red", we're the least constructive version of ourselves.

Yet, this is typically when we either attack others or engage with dealing with and trying to solve problems.

Befriend "no action" and "delayed action". 

Take care 

 

 

 

Edited May 25, 2022 by Eph75

[Loving Radiance]

8 hours ago, somegirl said:

neighbors that will for sure hear me lol

Hehe, they won't hear a thing When you do it right, it will be half as loud as speaking.

8 hours ago, somegirl said:

I want to protect myself and let people know I am not the one to mess with.

Though I go overboard with it, I get filled with hatred and negativity and keep ruining my mood in the following days or months or years by these intrusive thoughts.

Anger is useful to enforce and keep people in check who overstep your boundaries. When you don't feel and express it, it comes up later in more toxic forms, as you already see.

8 hours ago, somegirl said:

I have low tolerance for uncomfortable feelings, I just want to get rid of them as soon as possible.

That's like not loving those of your children which are ugly. They also deserve your love. Give them love, be present and care for their needs as long as they are present.

Actually, they have great wisdom and know of places with big treasures. Follow them and you will strike gold.

8 hours ago, somegirl said:

I just don't know, it's easy for me to write that I will try it, but I just know that in practice and in reality, the moment I feel anger is the moment any rational thought goes out of the window...

Feel your anger fully till you feel complete. That's already courageous.

Edited May 25, 2022 by Loving Radiance

[RickyFitts]

Letting go of anger can be really challenging, I know it's something I've really struggled with over the past few years. I think there's a lot of truth in the saying that holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die, I think there's often a part of us that feels like we're doing the other person a favour by letting go of the anger we feel towards them, like we're letting them off the hook. When the truth is that it really is something you do for your own wel!-being, first and foremost.

It can be very challenging, though. What's helped me personally is to notice how the anger manifests in my body as a particular point of contraction, and to allow that inner tension to relax and breathe. Deeper feelings like grief and despair might also then arise, but these feelings just need to be felt and released, and then the surface anger also tends to diminish. It can take time though, these feelings can be very deep-rooted.

[Eph75]

2 hours ago, RickyFitts said:

Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die

Thanks for sharing that one, it's a powerful one, I'll hold on to that quote ❤️

[RickyFitts]

@Eph75 You're very welcome, and you're right, it really is a powerful quote. ?

At the same time, it's important that we don't judge ourselves harshly if we are experiencing feelings of anger, because such negative self-judgment is only liable to lead to emotional repression, not resolution. But if we can at least recognise how holding onto these feelings only harms us, that can give us the incentive to do the inner work that's needed in order to let them go.

Edited May 25, 2022 by RickyFitts

[JonasVE12]

10 hours ago, somegirl said:

Wow, this is good guess. I would say a sense of not being enough for sure. Though I don't know how shame plays a role in that. 

Like I am ashamed of myself?

Shame is more an emotion, it doesn't say much about the exact underlying feeling. There's the distinction between emotion and feeling. Emotion is an abstraction or categorization of a set of feelings/sensations that have a certain quality to it. Feelings within a certain vibrational range have a typical quality to it that we call shame. But this incapsulates many different subtle feelings. 

Such as not being good enough, unwanted, unloved, insecure, rejected, left out, embarrassment, wrong, ugly, and many more.

When I say that you feel a sense of shame, it points at a more specific underlying feeling.

Which in your case it may be some of the above examples. 

10 hours ago, somegirl said:

Oh god... This is so hard. To welcome my anger and let myself feel it fully AS I'm angry? That's almost impossible. 

When I get angry, I almost can't control what I think. I feel so so bad inside my head and ao uncomfortable that I just need to let it out. I have low tolerance for uncomfortable feelings, I just want to get rid of them as soon as possible. 

Awareness would help me, I am almodt certain, I'm just not sure how realistic that is for me. 

I told myself 100 times I will pause and take a breath whenever I feel triggered or angry, but every time I failed. Every time. Something just takes over me.

You can. It's just because your nervous system is wired to instantly react with anger as a defense mechanism and so you have to become conscious of whenever this is happening so you can redirect your consciousness to make healthier choices, to turn the anger in on the shame underneath for example. 'The power of now' and 'the power of now in practice' has wonderful chapters on this subject. It's really about retraining your awareness to become proactive instead of reactive. Although you have this intention to become aware, the next time you become angry, you may lose yourself in it completely and forget about all of this, but the stronger this intention to become aware becomes, the more you will become aware over time. You just need intention and your subconscious will bring it out when it needs to. Each time, you become a little bit more proactive. And then there is this pivotal point where you have retrained your consciousness to turn inward instead of outward and it is effortless. And that's where you transmute anger because it's not about reactivity anymore. It's about seeing what's hidden underneath. Healing anger really is about healing your shame. 

And it is also not about controlling what you think. It is letting yourself think whatever you are thinking, not trying to control anything. It's letting yourself relax with whatever is inside your body and mind, and riding the wave. You don't hyper-focus. You simply let things be and you fully accept the sensations. 

It's also not good to want to get rid of your uncomfortable feelings as soon as possible. Liberating yourself from them is to release attachment/aversion towards the feelings. It's having the feeling and being completely in vibrational alignment with the sensations. You can literally treat it like a game. 

It's like this. 'I notice I'm angry'.... 'Wow, this feels intense....' 'I feel so powerful and alive'...... 'Grrrrrrrrrrr'

You literally stay with the sensation of intensity within your body. You feel it's subtle qualities and you find a sense of enjoyment within that feeling. 

You can do that. But you can't make the anger wrong. Making anger wrong is what will keep anger alive.

We have been guilted into believing anger is wrong. And we subconsciously try to repress and avoid it whenever we feel this way. Try to see anger as something healthy and something that can help you become a lot more powerful. 

I have a suggestion for you. It may help you. So above, I said that awareness is something that deepens the stronger your intention becomes. Without intention, the way you react will always be the result of the way you have been conditioned to react - It's your nervous system's automatic response. Your subconscious mind is completely taking over at that point.

So the suggestion is to keep bringing the intention up in your conscious mind to become aware and to turn anger in on itself whenever it manifests. For example when someone insults you. I have a journal for example, and everyday, I write in it my intention for this day. For this week. For this month. For this year. For the coming 5 years. And for the coming 20 years. And I keep adding to it everyday.

You could get such a journal and start to journal your intention to become more aware within anger. And as I said, you may not be aware the first time. But the more you journal, the more powerful your intention becomes, the more you will get these glimpses of awareness within the anger.

It will seem very powerful and enlightening when it happens. You'll be in the midst of anger and then get this recognition of your own power and the freedom that lies within the power. It's THERE where you have proactivity. It's a sense of choice. NOW, you have control over the anger. By generating stillness within it. By not being in aversion towards the anger, instead seeing how it can teach you and how you can use it to go inwards. 

Now you can reveal the shame underneath and shine light on it. Now you can transmute/release shame. You're already doing that by this process but it goes a lot deeper as well. But this is such a good start. 

But yeah. Please be with your anger. It's just an intense feeling in your body. It can't hurt you. It's just intense. You can really handle it. And it feels so fucking good to feel anger and be able to just sit with that anger. So good. You can even transmute anger to pure ecstasy and bliss. 

 

10 hours ago, somegirl said:

This sounds like a meditation technique.

I appreciate you writing all of this and I feel it is true and would help me fix this. I just don't know, it's easy for me to write that I will try it, but I just know that in practice and in reality, the moment I feel anger is the moment any rational thought goes out of the window...

Yes, above I wrote a suggestion so you actually have some benefit of what people write here to you. Because I really understand how difficult it is in the midst of being in it. You won't change instantly just because you get what we say here. You have to make the internal changes and that's when this will click more in your own experience. I really recommend the journal processing. It's super powerful. Every day and night, you can journal your intention to become aware of your anger. Writing down all experiences that made you angry. Write down the experiences in the future that would make you feel angry and really make it an interactive process within your imagination. You could also already practice at the same time you are journaling. You can evoke memories that have the associated vibration of anger to it. And if you can really connect to that memory and get into vibrational alignment with it, and you really energetically model it as if it is now, then you can learn to transmute anger to love while just sitting in your bed, with your journal. And then it is super simple to bring that awareness to your day to day life. 

10 hours ago, somegirl said:

This is so important and I keep reminding myself of this fact.

I understand now how this works... I will look into it, what is behind this anger. Makes sense with that shame thing. I just don't know if it is shame for me. 

It probably is shame. Remember that shame is just an emotion. It is the same like fear. Fear has different subtle feelings to it such as tightness, nervousness, cautious, frightened, blocked, doubt, worry, etc.... 

10 hours ago, somegirl said:

Got it...

Yeah it requires such big courage to love somebody that hurt you. But when you manage to do so, you would be making a decision from a higher vibration, not low vibration that would make you regret things. 

Yes exactly. What you say here resonates for me very much because I've acted out a lot out of anger and there was always regret. I've been in jail because I acted aggressively towards police. I've stabbed someone in his head and legs and almost killed that person. And then another time, someone had punched me on my head out of nowhere when I was walking down the street and I took my knife out with the intention to stab him. So I know anger all too well. It's devastating. But only when you are reactive. When you become proactive within it, it's really wisdom, love and a more calm power. 

Now I see the joy in it. Like wtf. Lol. Being angry and needing to stab someone. That's super reactive. Maybe the guy who punched me just wanted a hug because he feels so alone. And then I come wanting to stab him...

But yeah, the core lesson is that it was reactivity towards my sense of weakness. He punched me. I felt weak. And my want to stab him was my need to compensate for this internal sense of weakness (shame). It's denial. So the key here is to use anger to see a lot deeper, to what's REALLY going on.

Anyways, good luck and enjoy being   

 

[LastThursday]

20 hours ago, somegirl said:

I am especially awfully triggered by someone being disrespectful towards me or treating me "less than" or like I'm stupid.

I'm feeling you there!

In my experience it's best to immediately and firmly make it clear that you won't tolerate being disrespected. This will defuse any anger you have and hopefully will help stop it happening again from that person. Although I appreciate it's not always possible to do this - it takes practice to do this.

20 hours ago, somegirl said:

I have noticed I am becoming this negative person, as a result of these intrusive thoughts that keep reminding me of things that upset me throughout the day,

This is because of unresolved emotions, they're a reminder that they need to be paid attention to. I went through a long period of being upset with someone for disrespecting me repeatedly - I'd cut off contact but afterwards couldn't resolve my feelings. It got to the point where I started to feel hatred and anger towards this person.

My solution - it may work for you - is to hug the person. I don't mean physically, but through visualisation. The process I tried was:

• In your mind, or act out by yourself, imagining talking to the person and expressing your anger and explaining to them exactly why you're upset. The person just listens and doesn't reply. Keep going until you're done.
• Imagine hugging the person (like you mean it). This may feel uncomfortable at first, but keep going until your feelings start to change. Imagine a healing white light coming in through the top of your head and out through your heart. 
• Have a break. And notice in the days afterwards if your anger and emotions is less. Keep repeating the exercise if necessary.

This process really helped me process my anger and pain. Whenever I think about the person now, I feel annoyance, but it soon passes and I get on with my day.

[somegirl]

22 hours ago, soos_mite_ah said:

I mean, I think it depends on the context. It's perfectly normal, and even necessary to feel some kind of anger when you are being disrespected. Anger as an emotion tells us where our boundaries are and what we need from a situation by reacting negatively towards what is not for our good.

Well based on everyone's comment, my anger is not thag bad, or in fact, necessary. 

Though maybe I was not able to convay the experience I feel and how out of control I sometimes can be (was worse in the past).

So...

22 hours ago, soos_mite_ah said:

#1 how you go about regulating and expressing the anger

Just for the record, I never yelled at people outside my home when I got angry (so that includes my friends, colleagues, classmates, professors, cashiers etc). 

Though I am the worst in family conflicts, which now, when I think how I behaved back then, I feel bad. I would literally yell from the top of my lungs, and I really think I have used all my lung capacity while I was doing that. I would get hysterical sometimes, usually when I felt like I was not being heard or taken seriously. One time I broke something. 

I feel ashamed of these things. 

This was when I was in my teenage years, maybe up until 20 years old. I'm 22 now. 

While I understand and can empathize with myself that I was doing these things because I wanted to be heard and respected, I didn't need to become such a nasty person.

22 hours ago, soos_mite_ah said:

If anger is a more consistent thing, it can be a good idea to check in with yourself regarding what consistent element is causing the anger. Maybe there is a pattern or a type of person, or a certain environment that is really not meshing with you well and that is eroding you slowly to where there is more negtivity emotionally. Because things like bitterness and resentment (not saying that's exactly what you're expecting, idk what's happening in your head) aren't things that come up in an instant rather it is things that build up over time. 

This is a good suggestions, would need to think about what's exactly causing these reoccurring thoughts that make me feel angry.

I think... I think I just have such a fragile ego. I almost don't let anyone even dare to do something that would "remind me" of my "not being good enough" belief that I think I have, deep down. Like, even someone suggesting I made a mistake while speaking, for example, is enough to trigger a response of "This means I'm stupid" and cause anger.

Sometimes, on days I feel especially fragile and "not good enough", I notice I purposely talk in a condescending way in order to assert my dominance and show everyone that I am better than them. Lol, it's just funny now that I'm writing this.