Loneliness

[710thz]

I sometimes sit on my balcony, meditate for an hour or so until I feel totally relaxed, smoke weed and then sit completely still. Just watching the clouds, birds, trees, people etc. After about 1-2 hours I start to hallucinate pretty deeply, the colors get extremely intense, the clouds start to form different shapes and animals,  I feel a lot of fear and if i am able to let that fear go then suddenly everything feels divine. I feel connected with everything and it is perfect beauty. 

But this one time when I got to this point, I felt a lot more than I usually do. I felt there was only one consciousness, one mind. Everything was a 100% meaningless. Meaning was created by my mind. Everything that was not in my direct experience did not exist. 

My phone beeped and it was my girlfriend who wrote a message to me, and I felt that there was no person behind that message. It was only text on a screen popping up lol. She did not exist at that moment and she was just a thought in my mind, not the real her. Everything that ever existed was just this present moment and people, objects, sounds only existed if they were in it.

I watched people walk by my apartment and there were no person behind it. I realized that the "person" behind the body was only projected onto it by my mind. I could drop all my judgements about them and the situation. I they were tall, ugly, beautiful, old, nice etc. But not only that, I could also drop the "personality" i projected unto them. And what I thought they were thinking about me lol. I've had a bit of social anxiety for most of my adult life, and so I saw through that.

This was liberating but very scary as I was beginning to feel more and more lonely. This "feeling" got deeper and deeper, and so did the loneliness. To the point where my life was the only story ever played out, everything that existed was everything played out in "my" present moment, from only my perspective. Any other persons perspective never existed, they only existed as a story when they told me about it or when I heard someone tell me about their story. But their stories was never experienced. Just told to me with sound, in my awareness and imagined by my mind.

People i saw in movies, tv would only exist if they were in front of me. Until then they were only colors on a flat screen. My whole life was just a movie (experience). But not only that, it was the ONLY movie ever played out. Nothing existed unless I experienced it. I still identified with my self image somehow even though I did not project thoughts unto other people. Soon this was hell, and I just wanted it to end. I was praying that this was not the truth and that I would return to my normal "state" where people existed and where we had separate experiences. That all humans and the rest of reality exists. Not only me and my awareness. After a few hours I got back to "normal".

How come I felt so completely 100% alone? If someone has some concept, experience or something that could explain this to me I would be truly grateful. This left me really confused and scared...

Edited February 2, 2017 by 710thz

[Primeval]

That sounds like a Meditation induced mind fuck.

I've had similar experiences.

Meditation has been shown in studies to break down the brain's natural barriers of "Self & Other"... of "Within & Without" etc etc

You may want to check out this Ted talk:

 

[Principium Nexus]

This concept is called Solipsism and the possibility of being real cannot be excluded. If you think about it life is full of surprises and even if everything is only you or the only experience you ever will truly know you are really good at creating an unknown future where everything is possible. Things and people are just very interesting because they all hold a hidden world of personal views and surprises that will always challenge your own experience and can be really fun!

I can imagine that if you really get obsessed with the idea this can lead to some existential crisis but you will never know if it is really true or not. Why should you worry about this if you know life is like a game. The time you are here there is so much to discover and question this perspective that it is quite fun

Edited February 2, 2017 by Principium Nexus

[PureExp]

1 hour ago, 710thz said:

How come I felt so completely 100% alone?

This is perfectly normal, you will get used to it soon lol.

A good post and nice experience. This reminds me of a quote  - You are not alone, you alone are.

Beautiful words!

I'd use such experiences as opportunities for introspection. So one can ask - Who is alone? What part of me is lonely? Who is aware of loneliness?

I guess, you can directly see the answers. I'll share what I see, which is - Loneliness is as illusory and meaningless as everything else. Its the ego/mind that creates that feeling or thought out of its prior conditioning. Thats all.

[Martin123]

2 hours ago, Lha Bho said:

That sounds like a Meditation induced mind fuck.

I've had similar experiences.

Meditation has been shown in studies to break down the brain's natural barriers of "Self & Other"... of "Within & Without" etc etc

You may want to check out this Ted talk:

 

Woow what a powerful talk!

[710thz]

@Lha Bho Wow Great talk!! Thanks for sharing this! In the end for sure mind induced mind fuck! Lol!

[710thz]

@Principium Nexus I don't know! Maybe that is what I need to accept! That it is possible that it is this way. But to accept what I felt is like accepting being buried alive almost! lol. Pretty rough

 

@PureExp Yes! That was about the only thing I attached meaning too. "Too not be alone". That would be an awesome opportunity for inquiry, but it was a bit too much for me at the time. Terrifying!! Maybe I will go back to that place and try to be with it. I will for sure die at the moment it is accepted. Can't see that it would work any other way!

[PureExp]

@710thz Great

The art is to convert experiences of all kinds into learning. To benefit from them and progress. Experiences, ordinary life experiences or extraordinary "spiritual" ones, serve only one purpose - they make us grow. Some people utilize them to the fullest and take big leaps on their path, others just enjoy them and move on. The former types are seekers.

This may sound like preaching lol, and even unromantic and dry, but remember that we are free to assign a meaning to it all, even if we see no meaning. This is the game here.

Edited February 3, 2017 by PureExp
typo

[jse]

16 hours ago, 710thz said:

How come I felt so completely 100% alone?

Loneliness and isolation are symptoms of feeling a separateness from the divine.  If we could transcend our ego barriers and feel and live our true non-dual reality, then loneliness would not be possible.