Love is not.....

[GreenWoods]

27 minutes ago, axiom said:

You can still forgive people in your own mind.

If you are abused, then in my opinion forgiveness means to forgive the other person for not being high conscious and mature enough to act better, but it doesn't mean to forgive the abuse itself.

So if someone is abused, that person should do everything possible to avoid further abuse and leave. But now the conscious thing would be to not hate the absuer but forgive their lack of maturity. But not forgive the absue itself, and that the person did the abuse.

[Arthogaan]

 

1 hour ago, Preety_India said:

I don't want to see what a person's intentions are if his actions aren't benefitting me in any way. 

Thats like saying "I don't care what is true if it does not benefit me" - and again there is some wisdom to that, and that's good insight but you gotta be hones that you do not care about love or truth, but about your benefit. Which is GOOD.

 

1 hour ago, Preety_India said:

How I interpret things is solely up to me. If it hurts, it hurts. 

With that logic even if Buddha and Jesus came to you to say "We love you daughter, you are perfect" and maybe it is exact same thing as your abusive ex said and it bring bad memories back, and then you can say that Jesus and Buddha are not loving because they made you feel bad. That is dangerous way of thinking.
 

Edited May 24, 2022 by Arthogaan

[Leo Gura]

@Arthogaan Logicking with her is not gonna work. She's at whatever level of love she's at.

[_Archangel_]

@Preety_India Leo has simply said that sometimes loving someone means make someone suffer for the moment so they can avoid a bigger suffering or receive a greater good. 

Let's you see a 3 yo kid with having fun running with scissors in their hands, what do you do? 

You stop him and take the scissors from him. This will make him suffer but actually you saved him from a bigger problem. 

This of course can be applied to adults as well. 

The dynamic of course changes if this becomes abuse. It is always move away from an abuser. 

With thet said, if a person in you life is mainly positive for you, you can still learn to accept their flaws and selfish acts, even when they hurt you. 

[Preety_India]

@Arthogaan @Arthogaan I don't operate on logic at all. 

I took the logic test today and my results on logic are dismal. 

Results:

Rational Ability = 28 / 50
Rational Engagement = 33 / 50
Experiential Ability = 47 / 50
Experiential Engagement = 48 / 50

I have BPD. Reckful had Bpd and he felt terrible for being removed from the World of War craft. 

People with Bpd are very emotionally fragile and mentally fragile and can be easily controlled. 

I get easily controlled in a relationship. I lose sense of boundaries and give my power to my abuser to feel safe which is a false sense of safety. My attachment to my abuser is my safety. 

My logic is generally very poor. I'm not an INTP. I'm an INFJ. I predominantly operate on intuition, my psychic powers and feelings in the environment. I don't use logic at all or barely. 

Recently I have tried using logic but it generally conflicts with my emotions

 

I have an emotional brain and my logic is generally emotional logic. 

I usually look for a guy who leads me and follow his instructions. That's love for me. 

If a guy cannot abuse or control or punish/discipline me, I don't feel love. But there's a twist. I will find intimacy in his abuse/punishment only if he balances it with intimacy and affection, then I won't mind whatever else (bad stuff) he does to me. If he established trust into me by protecting me against an external aggressor and did not separate me from himself, then I will consider it as love. 

In other words he cannot have empty control over me, his power, control should be compensated by protection and affection/intimacy and making me belong to him 

Abuse situations lead to Stockholm Syndrome. I developed Stockholm Syndrome as a child so I would ask for permission to do little things from my abuser. 

It gradually expanded to me sympathizing with the abusive pattern and begging for love in it in order to survive it. 

Abusers carry a distinct dynamic in the sense they simply cannot control the victim without offering anything in return. In order to gain the trust of the victim and to gain the favor of the victim, they have to protect the victim sometimes and also periodically give them affection to let them stay. They use a set of alternating tricks of punishment and love to keep the victim hooked along with giving them a false sense of protection. 

It's a confusing warped dynamic that keeps the victim attached to the abuser. 

Either the protection from the abuser is real or perceived. 

For me as a bpd it's a matter of trust. When I reach extraordinary trust level, hook point is reached and now the person can do whatever they want.

Normally I don't trust people so I push them away. But the abuser personality people have special mental tricks to gain trust, one method is extreme intimacy and prolonged attachment and protective role. 

I'm not able to differentiate between abuse and love and because of my BPD, I have severe Abandonment anxiety, which means Abandonment would appear worse than abuse, it would be better to be abused rather than being abandoned by the abuser. 

 My boundaries were broken as a child and I was never taught what respect meant. As a result if a man behaved disrespectful in a relationship, I would not be able to be sensitive to it, I would simply swallow it and still consider his mistreatment as love. 

 

[Preety_India]

@Arthogaan my logic is a bit screwed to say the least 

 

 

[Arthogaan]

@Preety_India I understand and respect that. Sending digital hug.

[Preety_India]

@Arthogaan gives you  a big loving hug and sends you a kiss.