How to reject politely

[somegirl]

54 minutes ago, thibault said:

You have a very naïve outlook on dating, get ready for lots of heartbreak.

You played a game of keeping an older man interested in you because it gratified your ego.

How do you know what OP is like? 

When we first meet a person, we usually give them a benefit of the doubt.

Maybe she really was viewing him as a friend and honestly didn't see that he was developing feelings for him. 

Me personally, I am very sensitive to these stuff and I can easily see when someone is developing feelings, but some people focus on different thing and might miss an obvious clue.

Don't assume that others have bad and calculated intentions immediately.  ?

Watch out for projections ?

 

Edited May 22, 2022 by somegirl

[egoeimai]

@somegirl I just don't agree with the guy above. Anyway. Doesn't matter.

How do u see when someone is developing feelings? Can you give examples

[Raze]

Just tell him you don’t feel the same way.

You should probably stop being friends with him, it’ll just torture him.

[egoeimai]

Just now, Raze said:

Just tell him you don’t feel the same way.

You should probably stop being friends with him, it’ll just torture him.

I will tell him the truth and I'll let him make his decisions then. I'll let it flow. Anyhow, its not in my power.

[thibault]

10 minutes ago, somegirl said:

How do you know what OP is like? 

When we first meet a person, we usually give them a benefit of the doubt.

Maybe she really was viewing him as a friend and honestly didn't see that he was developing feelings for him. 

Me personally, I am very sensitive to these stuff and I can easily see when someone is developing feelings, but some people focus on different thing and might miss an obvious clue.

Don't assume that others have bad and calculated intentions immediately.  ?

Watch out for projections ?

Why is it that there is such an imbalance in the friendship where if the guy loses romantic interest in her, the friendship ends ? That is not a friendship, that is a one sided romantic relationship, and you can't just "not notice" these dynamics, they are thousands of years old we feel them instinctively. You can however lie to yourself which is what I think the OP is doing to cope.

3 minutes ago, egoeimai said:

I will tell him the truth and I'll let him make his decisions then. I'll let it flow. Anyhow, its not in my power.

The more of the truth you tell him, the better the outcome for both of you.

Edited May 22, 2022 by thibault

[Raze]

3 hours ago, thibault said:

Why is it that there is such an imbalance in the friendship where if the guy loses romantic interest in her, the friendship ends ? That is not a friendship, that is a one sided romantic relationship, and you can't just "not notice" these dynamics, they are thousands of years old we feel them instinctively. You can however lie to yourself which is what I think the OP is doing to cope.

The guy made a mistake of following mainstream advice and by not making his intentions clear from the start and landed in the friend zone. Judging by his attempts to woo her being just complimenting her over and over unfortunately he lacks experience. Its easier to create attraction from someone who hates you than to create attraction from a platonic friendship. 
It’s not OP’s fault. If she was maintaining the relationship for ego gratification she wouldn’t be surprised by his confession because she would already suspect he liked her.

[egoeimai]

Okay maybe it'll be something like this 

"Oh x I just wanted to tell you that I see you as a friend and... I appreciate you for what you are" 

Is that good? 

[thibault]

Just now, egoeimai said:

Okay maybe it'll be something like this 

"Oh x I just wanted to tell you that I see you as a friend and... I appreciate you for what you are" 

Is that good? 

What kind of reaction are you expecting from him ?

[somegirl]

@egoeimai It's hard for me to explain. It just feels different when they talk to you.

You notice them giving you a bit more attention than usual. They look at you differently, they are very attentive towards you. They don't try to argue with you on anything and they agree with everything you say. They don't wanna risk offending you and are afraid to mess up in front of you. They stutter when you are present.

They might be a bit nervious around you too and pretend they don't want to sit beside you for example, but inside they are just too nervious. 

Edited May 22, 2022 by somegirl

[egoeimai]

2 minutes ago, Raze said:

The guy made a mistake of following mainstream advice and by not making his intentions clear from the start and landed in the friend zone. Judging by his attempts to woo her being just complimenting her over and over unfortunately he lacks experience. Its easier to create attraction from someone who hates you than to create attraction from a platonic friendship. 
It’s not OP’s fault. If she was maintaining the relationship for ego gratification she wouldn’t be surprised by his confession because she would already suspect he liked her.

Exactly. I'm not an attention seeker although I like attention I would never use him for comments. Fact is, he only started to compliment me now (2 days ago)after his confessions, not earlier. We've been talking for a year almost. He was talking friendly caring-ly, no flirting.

[zurew]

3 minutes ago, egoeimai said:

Okay maybe it'll be something like this 

"Oh x I just wanted to tell you that I see you as a friend and... I appreciate you for what you are" 

Is that good? 

"Hi, sorry if i misled you, but i only see you as a friend"  

[egoeimai]

4 minutes ago, thibault said:

What kind of reaction are you expecting from him ?

Even though he's generally a calm person, I expect a furious response, he will be kinda pissed. I think he will never appreciate me as a person again. Even though he's a secure man that breathes confidence, I'm not sure how  he's gonna take it. I hope he gets back to normal soon and forget about it.@somegirl I see. Thanks I will think about these. He started acting nicer indeed and he says stuff like "ofc I wanna please you and never make you feel unsatisfied with anything" 

[somegirl]

@egoeimai no problem.

Though he has no right to get pissed at you just because you don't reciprocate romantic feelings. That would be such a bad look. And if he doesn't appreciate you as a person again after you telling him the truth... I mean, he should respect you more for being honest and open with him and not leading him on. If he wants to live in illusion, that's his problem ?

He might be sad/frustrated inside, but he shouldn't let that out on you. If he does, that's such a red flag and you would be dodging a bullet.

Edited May 22, 2022 by somegirl

[thibault]

5 minutes ago, egoeimai said:

Even though he's generally a calm person, I expect a furious response, he will be kinda pissed. I think he will never appreciate me as a person again. Even though he's a secure man that breathes confidence, I'm not sure how  he's gonna take it. I hope he gets back to normal soon and forget about it.@somegirl I see. Thanks I will think about these. He started acting nicer indeed and he says stuff like "ofc I wanna please you and never make you feel unsatisfied with anything" 

So this is the part I don't understand. If everything has been 100% friendly up until now, why would he be pissed ? It sounds like he was expecting more. It also sounds like you knew about that on some level because you know his reaction will be to get angry.

You can't get around that, either you misled him and you should apologize to him or he imagined something that didn't exist and you should not tolerate his anger.

From what you've said so far it sounds more like the first one to me. I would think about it yourself and try to answer these questions to get some clarity. Ultimately, make sure to remember this will be a miniscule incident in your life, don't overblow it.

[Tudo]

@egoeimai How old are you? Sad to see old men making this kind of mistake like they still were some teenagers. 

 

Edited May 23, 2022 by Tudo

[egoeimai]

@somegirl we'll see. I'll message him to say hi. It makes me nervous now to talk to him because I know all these now.

 

@thibault it was 100% friendly till now. I'm imagining he will be pissed because of his ego. Its my assumption

 

@BenG true but I'm still afraid. I will tell him today if he compliments me again

@Tudo I'm 28 he's 45. I think he's older. I don't believe he's 45

 

 

[egoeimai]

@Medhansh love this. I will gell him I'm not interested romantically. Nothing more. If I add more I may accidentally offend him