How to reject politely

[egoeimai]

So. I've been talking with a guy who's probably 17 years older than me. Although I believe he's faking his age. But we have a huge age gap. We've been talking for almost a year now. He's very kind, caring, optimistic, has a kinda healthy self esteem. He's hilarious we are talking daily.

So yesterday he confessed he likes me. I thought it was a joke. He keeps complimenting me, I dont know what to say. He also told me if I want to marry him, he kindly proposed. I tried not to answer and distract him with something else. But today, he keeps saying similar stuff. I feel very uncomfortable. I dont know what happened to him. We've been talking for so many months but now he says this. Why is that? 

There's no way I'll be with this guy. Although he's a good guy and funny and kind and never plays any games. He's mature and never hurts me. Idk what to say. Age gap is a no no for me. My ideal age gap would only be 2-3 years difference max. I would prefer same age. Also, I don't like his looks. And I would never imagine him to be my one. We were friends. I think I'm losing a very valuable friend now. It's hard.

[Asayake]

Well, it seems to me like he fell in love with you. It's not uncommon when a guy is talking with a girl for a long time. If you are sure you don't want the guy you should try to make that clear as soon as possible. You can simply tell him that you like him as a friend and nothing more than that and say that he is an amazing guy and whoever gets him will be lucky and that you would like to still be friends with him if he wants that, maybe something like that if you're close friends atleast, to give him a small confidence boost after the rejection. 

He probably keeps saying similar stuff today because you didn't give him a clear answer before and as long as he doesn't get a clear answer which makes him fully understand you're not interested he will always have some hope that you're secretly interested in him too, because he's a bit infatuated with you. You not responding should have made him understand honestly, but it's easy to say from my outsider perspective. It's harder when it's first person point of view and feelings are involved and you have been talking with someone for months. It's a tricky situation. But my bet is that rejecting him in some other way than silence is to be preferred if you want to try to save the friendship.

I would also like to point out that a 17 year age gap and 1 on 1 talking for a year, as a guy it looks a lot like something that's about more than friendship. Of course a male to female friendship with 17 year age gap is not impossible. But it sure is pretty uncommon. I can easily see how the guy thought it was leading to something more eventually since the beginning and he was not sure because you didn't show that kind of interest. But then after talking for almost a year he finally decided he has to go for it and can't wait forever. This is just speculation though, it could also be that he first saw you as a friend and then got more interested as time went on. 

It's up to you and him if you can continue the friendship knowing that he probably has feelings for you.

[JonasVE12]

He likes you. He wants you. Probably a lot longer than you'd think. If you're talking for a year and suddenly he confesses all that stuff and he goes into extremes like asking you to marry etc, but before, you had no clue that he had any romantic/sexual interest in you, that's classical nice guy stuff. They try to be your friend, try to show you what a great guy they are without ever being direct and showing interest, and then they hope that one day, you will fall for him. Probably couldn't hold it anymore and just confessed everything. 

You can do nothing else other than being honest. You just have to tell him and bite the bullet. Otherwise it is just manipulation and codependency. It's his responsibility to deal with your honest feelings. 

Do you really want a friend who manipulates you and is dishonest with his feelings? Tell him what you feel and see if he still wants to be your friend and then you'll know. 

[something_else]

Man girls are so naive sometimes, guarantee he’s liked you the whole time you’ve been talking  

Then again he’s obv naive and immature too since he’s been lusting after you for a year without making a move

Theres nothing you can do other than be honest with him

[egoeimai]

That's making me nervous. I really respect and appreciate this guy. We just can't be togetherhe told me if I want to live with him and come here talk to my parents. That's too much.

 

 Its so hard to tell him. But because he's a good guy, I will tell him. I already told him that I don't wanna be in a relationship. Idk if that was clear answer or not. He said are u rejecting me? I don't think it will be very hard for him because he seems to have a healthy self esteem but I don't wanna lose the friendship

 

Edited May 22, 2022 by egoeimai

[egoeimai]

I said I don't want to be in a relationship in general. But he said, "you know I'm chill vibe I just want my peace and company and have fun etc etc you can come stay with me and we'll have time for ourselves" he meant he likes his peace. So he implied he won't bothrr me or cling on me or something. But that's not the point!!! The point is that I'm not planning to move from my home city. That's so sad that I'll lose a friend. I hate this 

[something_else]

@egoeimai I know it hurts to hear, but he never saw you as a friend

He wanted more from the very beginning. That is his fault for not making his intentions clear and you should not feel bad for distancing yourself from him

[egoeimai]

@something_else but he was so friendly!!!! I can't ne wrong. Maybe he now liked me for some reason? 

[somegirl]

2 hours ago, egoeimai said:

Its so hard to tell him. But because he's a good guy, I will tell him. I already told him that I don't wanna be in a relationship. Idk if that was clear answer or not. He said are u rejecting me? I don't think it will be very hard for him because he seems to have a healthy self esteem but I don't wanna lose the friendship

You would have to get out of that fear and tell him. You will have tons of situations in life where you would need to do the uncomfortable thing. 

I get your nervousness. However he already confessed his love for you and put you in a position where now it's your turn to tell him how you honestly feel.

Tell him about the age gap and what you told us here. Just be kind, don't be harsh.

About the friendship part...

I think it would not be possible from now on, given he has already developed feelings. Or if you do manage to stay in friendship with him, you know it will be fake and awkward because you know how he honestly feels about you.

However it is interesting to me that you're friends with 17 years older guy. Wonder what common topics one can have with that much older person.

 

[something_else]

6 minutes ago, egoeimai said:

@something_else but he was so friendly!!!! I can't ne wrong. Maybe he now liked me for some reason? 

Yes he was friendly because that’s how some guys try to get into girls’ pants because they don’t know any other way, they don’t know how to be direct about their attraction

Guys don’t spontaneously develop attraction for girls a year later. They know within 5 seconds whether they’re attracted to a girl or not

[egoeimai]

37 minutes ago, somegirl said:

 

However it is interesting to me that you're friends with 17 years older guy. Wonder what common topics one can have with that much older person.

 

I can chat with any age. Older people are so much more interesting to me. They have knowledge, wisdom, and the self confidence that lacks in me. Also, he's not the only older friend I have. Older ppl are awesome. So cool.

 

35 minutes ago, something_else said:

Guys don’t spontaneously develop attraction for girls a year later. They know within 5 seconds whether they’re attracted to a girl or not

I would like to say that same applies to girls, but I thought twice, it doesn't work like that with us girls. We can suddenly like you after a whole year. 

Thing is, it's sad, because I know guys who didn't like me from the beginning and told me that they will maybe develop feelings for me in the future. Anywayz

[Elton]

@egoeimai tell him the truth sweetheart, whatever happens after that accept it.. 

[egoeimai]

5 minutes ago, Elton said:

@egoeimai tell him the truth sweetheart, whatever happens after that accept it.. 

I will, baby. Thank you for being my friend always. So supportive ?

 

 

 

 

[thibault]

4 hours ago, egoeimai said:

So. I've been talking with a guy who's probably 17 years older than me. Although I believe he's faking his age. But we have a huge age gap. We've been talking for almost a year now. He's very kind, caring, optimistic, has a kinda healthy self esteem. He's hilarious we are talking daily.

So yesterday he confessed he likes me. I thought it was a joke. He keeps complimenting me, I dont know what to say. He also told me if I want to marry him, he kindly proposed. I tried not to answer and distract him with something else. But today, he keeps saying similar stuff. I feel very uncomfortable. I dont know what happened to him. We've been talking for so many months but now he says this. Why is that? 

There's no way I'll be with this guy. Although he's a good guy and funny and kind and never plays any games. He's mature and never hurts me. Idk what to say. Age gap is a no no for me. My ideal age gap would only be 2-3 years difference max. I would prefer same age. Also, I don't like his looks. And I would never imagine him to be my one. We were friends. I think I'm losing a very valuable friend now. It's hard.

1 hour ago, egoeimai said:

@something_else but he was so friendly!!!! I can't ne wrong. Maybe he now liked me for some reason? 

You have a very naïve outlook on dating, get ready for lots of heartbreak.

You played a game of keeping an older man interested in you because it gratified your ego. When he finally propositioned you, you turned him down. It happens.

[egoeimai]

2 minutes ago, thibault said:

You have a very naïve outlook on dating, get ready for lots of heartbreak.

You played a game of keeping an older man interested in you because it gratified your ego. When he finally propositioned you, you turned him down. It happens.

Do you know what chatting friendly means? Gosh! 

Whatever....

[thibault]

1 minute ago, egoeimai said:

Do you know what chatting friendly means? Gosh! 

Whatever....

Why do you fear rejecting him frankly ? Because you know (at least subconsciously) that since the beginning, all he was interested was being with you in a romantic way, and you know that if he loses hope he will disappear from your life.

Otherwise what do you have to fear in just being honest with him ?

[zurew]

1 minute ago, egoeimai said:

Do you know what chatting friendly means? Gosh! 

Whatever....

Be very suspicious with guys who are single. The chances are that they are interested in you and thats why they are chatting with you is very high. I am sure there is a very few exception to this "rule" but in the majority of the cases they are attracted to you.

You can test most of them by talking about your boyfriend even if you don't have one. 

[egoeimai]

18 minutes ago, thibault said:

Why do you fear rejecting him frankly ? Because you know (at least subconsciously) that since the beginning, all he was interested was being with you in a romantic way, and you know that if he loses hope he will disappear from your life.

Otherwise what do you have to fear in just being honest with him ?

Because I'll lose the friendship and I don't wanna hurt his feelings. I was always finding hard to reject a person because it's hard for me being rejected by others.

18 minutes ago, zurew said:

Be very suspicious with guys who are single. The chances are that they are interested in you and thats why they are chatting with you is very high. I am sure there is a very few exception to this "rule" but in the majority of the cases they are attracted to you.

You can test most of them by talking about your boyfriend even if you don't have one. 

We talk to eachother about others. So... He didn't seem to bother

[zurew]

1 minute ago, egoeimai said:

We talk to eachother about others. So... He didn't seem to bother

I see. 

1 minute ago, egoeimai said:

Because I'll lose the friendship and I don't wanna hurt his feelings.

He will be more hurt if you won't tell him your intentions clearly.  Otherwise, he will live with false hopes.

 

[thibault]

6 minutes ago, egoeimai said:

Because I'll lose the friendship and I don't wanna hurt his feelings. I was always finding hard to reject a person because it's hard for me being rejected by others.

In 30+ years you have time to face plenty of rejections, you get accustomed to it. You aren't afraid for his feelings, you are afraid of losing his attention.