Is it Possible to Love Someone with a Conflicting Survival Agenda?

[bmcnicho]

In the latest video, Leo said that one aspect of love is respecting someone’s survival agenda and helping them to succeed.  This naturally raises the question of what happens when their survival contradicts yours.  Loving yourself is also important, and therefore you would want to promote your own success also

Obviously, if someone presents a physical danger to you, you would want to get away from them and take necessary actions to protect yourself.  But what about lower stakes issues, like day to day personal preferences?  If you hold their needs as being equally as important as yours, then how would you decide whose preferences to go with?

Love can often feel zero sum to me, like in order to love others, I would need to love myself less

[Preety_India]

How exactly are they going to be presenting a physical danger to you and how does this danger to you aid their survival? 

Can you elaborate? 

 

[puporing]

I'm assuming you're talking about a 'romantic relationship' kind of situation here.

I think that's where 'compatibility' comes in. The more you're in alignment with those things (eg, interests) the more everyone involved could fulfill their desires/self-expression, self-exploration, and self-actualization. 

[bmcnicho]

@Preety_India That would be the extreme case.  A murderer’s survival agenda might include killing you, because otherwise he would not be a murderer, but letting yourself be killed as an expression of love towards him would be so irrational and dysfunctional that almost no one is capable of entertaining that thought

But in cases of lower stakes ego and identity survival, it’s not as clear whose needs should be prioritized

Edited May 22, 2022 by bmcnicho

[bmcnicho]

@puporing Yeah, compatibility is important if you want a relationship to be at all functional.  I’m wondering if the type of metaphysical love that Leo describes has that same limitation.  That practically you can only love things within a narrow range if you want to continue surviving

[puporing]

17 minutes ago, bmcnicho said:

I’m wondering if the type of metaphysical love that Leo describes has that same limitation.  That practically you can only love things within a narrow range if you want to continue surviving

Self-love is important too, so taking care of your own basic survival (and even thriving/self-actualizing) gives you more room to be more loving to others. Like he said you want whatever love you give to be from a genuine place, so if it's not what you're capable of in that situation then it's not good to try to force that.

[Leo Gura]

3 hours ago, bmcnicho said:

Love can often feel zero sum to me, like in order to love others, I would need to love myself less

Yes! Exactly. Finite love is finite. Which is why its so difficult. The only uncompromising love is one in which you have no self to preserve.