When I was young....

[Razard86]

When I was young I suffered from low-self-esteem, and I had bouts of depression every now and then. This was a result of growing up in a family where my Dad always communicated to me that I was some how defective. As an adult I understand why he did it, but as a kid I obviously didn't understand (My grandmother apparently did that to my Dad when he was a child so he continued that pattern when he became a parent) but its ironic. Every bad thing that happened to me actually made me stronger, tougher, and more empathetic. I used my rage as fuel to prove the doubters wrong , but also was empathetic because I knew what it felt like to be hurt. But ironically seeing people complain about their pain instead of fighting it like I did unnerved me, because it was a side of me I never wanted to accept and even now I am still struggling to integrate that aspect....the part that doesn't want to fight.

Anyway I am typing this to hopefully help those I keep seeing in the forums who keep complaining about how they want to off or kill themselves. I realize that they lack perspective....and do not realize that every feeling and emotion they carry is their own creation.....you are just torturing yourself. I am not saying life is easy....but understand that every moment that happens.....passes. As humans because we have the ability to hold onto the past and project onto the future we are usually living in the past....or our projection of the future. 

The human mind is naturally negative....as a survival mechanism it needs to be to keep you safe, but as a result if not controlled it can create a map of reality that is very scary. If this is you....then of course you are depressed. You are constantly living from a perspective that sees life is dangerous, you as weak or flawed in some way, and that things can only get worse. I would hate to live in the head of anyone who views reality that way because you basically are living in hell.

While life is not perfect...the average person lives a higher standard of living than their parents and their parents generation. Yet....at the same time mental illness is continuing to rise. Why is this the case? Because we live from the INSIDE OUT. This means what matters when it comes to your quality of life is your INNER world NOT your OUTER world. In fact your OUTER WORLD is a reflection of your INNER world and the problem with the West is they focus mainly on the OUTER world when if you PROPERLY ORIENT the INNER WORLD everything else will fix itself.

I have mentioned this a couple of times but I recently got into a car accident and had a near death experience. As a result....I have no car, and my face is scarred. But that event is THE GREATEST thing that ever happened to me. Why? Because I was able to confirm many of the things I had been researching regarding reality. I saw the other side of existence and this made me even happier than I was originally.

This revealed to me how so many destructive beliefs that have been placed on us that make us miserable. Here are a couple of them.

1. Comparing yourself to others.  If you do this... you are doomed to a life of misery, everybody's journey is different and this is by design. When you compare you rob yourself and the other person (if you are comparing yourself to them in a discussion) of their divine uniqueness. 

2. Thinking that society's model of success is the definition of success. Success is a personal opinion. Some people chase what other's tell them is success only to discover that it doesn't make them happy. Success is waking up everyday and living a life that YOU BELIEVE IS FUFILLING. As long as you are in alignment with what you value....you are successful.

3. Being judgmental of yourself. This is a BIG ONE!!! Do NOT JUDGE YOURSELF!! When you judge yourself you open the gates of hell and walk in. Judgment is demonization, so when you judge yourself you are calling yourself a demon and placing yourself in hell. Obviously the same is true of others as well, so don't play the role of Satan in your life or the life of others. Judgement is not to be confused with logic. Logic labels....judgment places value. Value isn't bad per se, but seeing things itself as bad ironically IS BAD. So the only BAD thing is believing that something is BAD. This is a tough pill to swallow....but if you do....you will be FREE. As long as bad exists in your mind.....you will jump back and forth between heaven and hell. I don't know about you....but that doesn't exactly sound fun....but hey to each their own right?

4. Always thinking you need to do something...and your desire to be in control. One of the biggest lessons you will learn if you walk the Spiritual Path is that you accomplish MORE when you DO LESS. I know it sounds counter productive but its true. The Spiritual Path will reveal to you that you are NOT in control...so stop trying to be in control. That you can accomplish more in Meditation, Gratitude, and Loving Acts than you can relentless pursuing your desires. You have no idea how much your desire to be in control sabotages your relationship with others and ultimately WITH YOURSELF!!

5. Seeing life as ordinary. Life is ANYTHING but ordinary...anyone that thinks life is ordinary has never had their awareness risen high enough. Understand that life is ONLY ordinary if your awareness is low. For those whose awareness is HIGH life is an every changing dramatic present moment that keeps arising. For the 2 weeks my body was healing....life was VERY interesting because my awareness was RIDICULOUSLY high that NOTHING looked or felt ordinary. Now that my body is healed....my awareness is normalized to an extent and life appears normal again. The most amazing thing is life....it is so amazing that when your awareness is high you are either smiling, laughing , or crying tears of joy. This is the benefit of the Spiritual path....you get to see how amazing life really is.

 

I will be adding to this post to go in more detail how I avoided falling into the trap of mental illness. Understand that the West laid a trap for you called mental illness.....don't let them convince you to stay there....or that it is normal.....its only normal for those who take in and believe the toxic ideologies. Notice even the rich and famous can't resist mental illness...yet there are poor around the world who smile ear to ear. Your identity, core beliefs, determine the reality you experience. Depending on this you will either live in heaven or hell, and you actually have complete control over this.....To Be Continued.....

[puporing]

Well said. One of the main things I am realizing is that you can only really expect to give unconditional love, and not expect in return, but that it may get "reflected back" in some unexpected ways. It's easier said than done , but that's the "purification process" if you want to be an agent of light in this world as we are now.

[Raptorsin7]

@Razard86 how did you let go of judgment

[Hojo]

I realized recently that I was an emotional vampire and why i am that way. I grew up around a bit polar mother that had no control over her emotions and in order to survive that way i had to be ultra observant of peoples facial expressions and voice changes and actions. This of course has terrible side effects when you are supposed to be in a loving trusting relationship and I would do it with people around me and lovers who were not bipolar. Sometimes people just make weird faces and change their vocal tones for no reason or on accident and it just is but my mind would always tell me something was wrong and it's taken me 20 years since living with my mother to even notice I was doing it. When I was a child I would have a reoccurring dream where me and my mother would be playing in my room and there would be nice music playing and the phone would ring and she would leave for one second then I hear footsteps running to the door and she bursts in screaming and hitting me like a psychopath for something I didnt even know I had done wrong. Your parents fuck you up and it's hard to even notice how they fucked you up and how it makes you act everyday. She hasnt changed and has fucked up every animal she has ever had. I see myself in those animals and cannot convince her she is doing something wrong. Oh well

Edited May 22, 2022 by Hojo

[Razard86]

On 5/21/2022 at 5:26 AM, Raptorsin7 said:

@Razard86 how did you let go of judgment

With the truth....I caught myself being judgmental today talking to my friends.. I have many friends that are judgmental and as a result through communication with them I can get caught up in that. But since I know the truth and I am conscious I call myself out whenever I catch myself doing it. Just be honest and never feel guilty for your imperfections. As a finite form you will never be perfect, and that ironically is a form of perfection because it gives you something to do while you are here. You can't grow and develop in your true form...so being imperfect gives you something to improve.

[Razard86]

20 hours ago, Hojo said:

I realized recently that I was an emotional vampire and why i am that way. I grew up around a bit polar mother that had no control over her emotions and in order to survive that way i had to be ultra observant of peoples facial expressions and voice changes and actions. This of course has terrible side effects when you are supposed to be in a loving trusting relationship and I would do it with people around me and lovers who were not bipolar. Sometimes people just make weird faces and change their vocal tones for no reason or on accident and it just is but my mind would always tell me something was wrong and it's taken me 20 years since living with my mother to even notice I was doing it. When I was a child I would have a reoccurring dream where me and my mother would be playing in my room and there would be nice music playing and the phone would ring and she would leave for one second then I hear footsteps running to the door and she bursts in screaming and hitting me like a psychopath for something I didnt even know I had done wrong. Your parents fuck you up and it's hard to even notice how they fucked you up and how it makes you act everyday. She hasnt changed and has fucked up every animal she has ever had. I see myself in those animals and cannot convince her she is doing something wrong. Oh well

Well that's one way of seeing it, if I dropped you in a hostile neighborhood that trait would serve you well. That trait is a survival mechanism, so in an environment where you are surrounded by Stage Red people it would serve you well. But obviously in an environment where its not needed it can be detrimental. So its not bad, its a tool you developed in a survival environment. So as long as you use it as needed you will be fine.

Edited May 23, 2022 by Razard86

[Razard86]

On 5/21/2022 at 2:50 AM, puporing said:

Well said. One of the main things I am realizing is that you can only really expect to give unconditional love, and not expect in return, but that it may get "reflected back" in some unexpected ways. It's easier said than done , but that's the "purification process" if you want to be an agent of light in this world as we are now.

Totally agree. You don't know how many times I have allowed others to take advantage of my kindness...yet I have never experienced a lack of the essentials in life as a result. I have always had food in my stomach, clothes on my back, and a bed to lay in. So yeah if you are a giving person....you will never really struggle to receive in return. Its very interesting how life works.

Edited May 23, 2022 by Razard86

[puporing]

@Razard86 The counterintuitiveness of life.. hehe.  

[Raptorsin7]

5 hours ago, Razard86 said:

I call myself out whenever I catch myself doing it.

Is this just judging yourself for being judgmental?

[puporing]

33 minutes ago, Raptorsin7 said:

Is this just judging yourself for being judgmental?

No it's spotting which areas you still have room for growth and increased alignment with truth/love.

[Razard86]

I am not sure if this can help those suffering but I will do my best. If you choose to identity with something...and hearing "you are God" "Everything is You" etc. does not resonate with you that is fine. So I will give you something that helped me, take from it what you will. I chose to base my self-identity on something I could control. You see, your entire identity (especially if you are a man in the West) has been forced to be with results. You live in a culture of comparison in which you are peer pressured to work and produce and when you don't fit the cultural narrative you are somehow less than. If you choose to align your self-identity with this...you will be miserable because they are always changing something up, as new fads come in.

So my first rule was to identity with something I could control. So I chose to identify with EFFORT. I knew that was the ONE thing I could control. I have since transcended that obviously and believe my value is intrinsic regardless of what I do or don't do but I realize you need to start somewhere. The truth is you have INTRINSIC VALUE. Your value is BECAUSE YOU EXIST. That's it!!! But the interesting thing is....when you give your all in whatever you do....that intrinsic value is REVEALED!!! And the great thing is....you really only need to see it ONE TIME!!! That value....is the strength that is revealed when you REALLY POUR YOUR ALL INTO SOMETHING!!! I now understand as I currently write this why DEVOTION is one of the aspects of Yoga and one of the paths to Enlightenment. Because it reveals the strength you have within. When you pour your all into something....all of you is revealed. Your fears, your desires, your courage, your fatigue, your persistence it is all revealed. You get a glimpse of your limits as a finite human....and a glimpse that you are even more than that finite human. 

So if you struggle with feelings of self-worth. THROW YOURSELF INTO SOMETHING!! LOSE YOURSELF IN SOMETHING!! Pick a path...and sacrifice everything into it. Through that endeavor you will find your worth and once it is seen IT CANNOT BE UNSEEN!!!

Edited June 1, 2022 by Razard86