Just realized I avoid confrontation at all costs and it's hurting me badly

[Emrie]

So basically I was talking with my coworkers about my upcoming vacation to the Netherlands and how excited and really looking forward to it I was.

One of them told me that it's a shit country with shit people who make shit cheese and how there's absolutely no reason for me to go there since I won't be using the drugs and prostitutes there.

Meanwhile I just stood there and stayed quiet while he was completely shitting on me and my vacation. Then I very nicely and almost apologetically asked him to stop talking about my vacation that way and he asked me why and I shouldn't have brought up the subject if I couldn't take the self-deprecation (yes somehow HIM shitting on me is MY self-deprecation). So I just got up and left instead of trying to at least get him to realize that it's just really not cool to shit on people's damn vacations and he shouldn't have been doing that.

This is one example but stuff like this happens often. As soon as confrontation is about to happen, I put my head down, change the subject, or just tell my interlocutor that I agree with them.

It's hurting me badly because then I obsess over it and I'll always put up with bullshit rather than facing my fears.

[Yarco]

When I told my dad I was going to Italy, he just told me it sucks and not to go because my uncle went, and said they make you pay just to sit down at restaurants and cafes. (!!!!)

He wanted me to base my decision on visiting a country or not on whether you have to pay a fee at restaurants, which probably added up to like $20 out of thousands for the entire trip . People are dumb and get hung up on the most myopic things.

I told him: You're not the one going, so don't worry about it. I would've said the same thing to your coworker.

When people say shit like "If I were you" I just instantly cut them off now and say something like "Good thing you're not me then"

Figure out what you're afraid of happening if you stand up for yourself... Is someone going to punch you in the workplace for standing up for yourself? Probably not. Will they report you to HR? More likely if you go too extreme but still probably no.

I would try to go hard in the other direction. You could probably straight up just say "Shut the fuck up" and all your coworkers would laugh because it's so uncharacteristic of you. It'd make the point and you'd totally get away with it, and the dude insulting your vacation would've slid back in his chair like "oh shit she's actually serious about this."

Allow yourself permission to just snap a couple of times and you'll see that nothing bad happens.

[puporing]

@Emrie I guess it depends. Sometimes we can "go along" with people externally so it doesn't cause more problems for us (practically speaking), sometimes when it's opportune, it's worthwhile to stand up for ourselves. Internally it's good to always know where you stand with things, but intelligently navigate other people as you go on. Many such challenges will keep appearing and each time we have to assess whether it's "worth the fight". I would say most times it's good to flex that muscle especially if you haven't been doing it. You might be amazed at how things quickly turn around.

[JonasVE12]

It is because you are ungrounded. Go outside and go up to a tree. Scream at it. Throw some kicks and punches at it and see how it responds. 

Your reaction is basically projecting your reactivity to your sense of unworthiness onto him. There is a sense of powerlessness you have inside yourself and other people are triggering that. Instead of making it about him, make it fully about you. When he says that, feel what your body does. Feel where your body is becoming reactive and ground out that energy through letting it go from your body. You do this by relaxing. 

Have a friend stand in front of you and let him push your chest, or insult you. Can you ground out all that reactivity that comes up? Can you stay fully present with your friend and even enjoy that sense of testing/provoking you? Or do you go to your head? Feel your back, your legs, your feet, your stomach. Feel the sides as well. Feel that sense of containment and grounding you have. 

It can be fun. When people test your boundaries, you can turn the tables through being proactive with that tension. You could have responded 'Maybe you can go with me, I thought you liked prostitutes?' And then laugh it off together. But you are responding based off your insecurities and your sense of self is identified to how people respond to you. And how he responds isn't per se negative. It's just perceived in a way that confirms your sense of unworthiness.

 

[Razard86]

I agree with Akashic if you are looking from a universal perspective. Jordan Peterson once said there are more people in therapy who are afraid of confrontation than pretty much any other group. He said its harder to teach an agreeable person to be less agreeable than it is to teach a disagreeable person to be agreeable at least in his experience.

Do you know how hard it is to teach a disagreeable person to be agreeable? Lol so understand your nature is to avoid conflict because you are agreeable. You care about people's feelings, this means you are more empathetic and sympathetic. Its not a bad thing but it can lead to what is called Co-Dependency. Empathetic people are at risk of being Co-Dependent....which just means you care WAYY TOO much about other people's feelings that you allow the feelings of others to trump your own feelings.

I would know because I have been Co-Dependent before myself. As long as you remember to love yourself equally to the amount you love others....then you are fine. Nobody should ever be pedestalized or looked down upon....you look them in the eye. Dead in the eye. When you have the confidence to look people dead in the eye you will know that you are fine. Be loving but firm.

[Reciprocality]

I would only confront my equal or someone close, if you have high standards it does not matter if they beneath it ridicule you.

You do not have to be like that, if you want to give stupidity your time of the day, and this actually affects you, then confront them with their monkey business, what you may find is that they can not compute your confrontation, why would they behave like they did if a mere confrontation could make them introspect on the spot?       In my weird mind it would actually make me question my confrontation if they had the character to do that.

[JonasVE12]

49 minutes ago, Akashic said:

Surprise with a bold maneuver. The best way to hide your weakness and to bluff your enemies into giving up their attack is to take some unexpected, bold, risky action. - Robert Greene

This promotes pride which is about win/lose, good/bad, superior/inferior. You could go beyond that, and that's freedom. And freedom is power. It's not having aversion/attachment to how people perceive you. If you release on the aversion, you automatically become more grounded. And that's what people respect. Pride is only necessary to compensate for fear and shame. If you release on the fear and shame, you would go beyond pride. 

Having the need to defend yourself is only necessary if you are insecure underneath. And people know that. People subconsciously test each other in order to assess strength. Reactivity is always weakness. 

This situation let me think of something similar.

My college was once mocking me because I was going to travel the world, and he was making fun of me in various ways, and man, I laughed my ass off. Then later we got some beers together and he kept mocking me the coming weeks over and over again. I kept finding it funny, but later I just said 'shut the fuck up' semi seriously and he stopped.

Being able to laugh at yourself and taking yourself not so seriously is key. 

[Gladius]

1 hour ago, Emrie said:

So I just got up and left instead of trying to at least get him to realize that it's just really not cool to shit on people's damn vacations and he shouldn't have been doing that.

If you did that, it's cool enough to send your message from my point of view. In this kind of situations I can't help but to start laughing, which I'm not sure it's the best strategy.

[Raze]

5 hours ago, Emrie said:

So basically I was talking with my coworkers about my upcoming vacation to the Netherlands and how excited and really looking forward to it I was.

One of them told me that it's a shit country with shit people who make shit cheese and how there's absolutely no reason for me to go there since I won't be using the drugs and prostitutes there.

Meanwhile I just stood there and stayed quiet while he was completely shitting on me and my vacation. Then I very nicely and almost apologetically asked him to stop talking about my vacation that way and he asked me why and I shouldn't have brought up the subject if I couldn't take the self-deprecation (yes somehow HIM shitting on me is MY self-deprecation). So I just got up and left instead of trying to at least get him to realize that it's just really not cool to shit on people's damn vacations and he shouldn't have been doing that.

This is one example but stuff like this happens often. As soon as confrontation is about to happen, I put my head down, change the subject, or just tell my interlocutor that I agree with them.

It's hurting me badly because then I obsess over it and I'll always put up with bullshit rather than facing my fears.

Try IFS therapy 

[gettoefl]

this was on my twitter today and it resonated

If someone insults you, and you feel hurt,you are living the ‘effect’ of someone else’s choice, but if you choose not to react, you become the ‘cause’ of your life. A “Free”person lives as a ‘cause’ an “Enslaved” person lives as the ‘effect.’The choice is ours. Rav DovBer Pinson

one does not need to be confrontational ... it is actually good people are not hesistant to let off steam around you, you are doing a service to humanity

no need to react to anything

[gettoefl]

what people do to you is their trauma, be merciful

what you say back to them in your karma, be mindful

[Carl-Richard]

I would've been like "ok..."

[somegirl]

20 hours ago, Emrie said:

This is one example but stuff like this happens often. As soon as confrontation is about to happen, I put my head down, change the subject, or just tell my interlocutor that I agree with them.

It's hurting me badly because then I obsess over it and I'll always put up with bullshit rather than facing my fears.

It's not wise to not say something sometimes. And it's wise to say something even if it leads to conflict other times. You have to evaluate situation and decide when is the good time to stand up for youself and what you have to say.

You can't avoid conflict at all costs, as you could see, it's hurting you personally sometimes.

I guess you can say stuff in a considerate way? And in a way that won't make the other person so triggered or defensive if you care so much not to get into any conflict. This is an art of communication... Saying something that bothers you so you get your point across, but at the same time letting them know CLEARLY that you won't tolerate such behaviour and that they should stop. Sometimes people don't get it so you would have to get on another level for them to get you. It depends really on a situation and a person you're talking to.

Some people don't get nice words. So you have to raise your tone a bit. Sometimes someone immediately gets the point.

[integral]

Taking things to seriously, just have fun with what ever he's saying.

[Arcangelo]

I rather dealing with jail, death, or the hospital, but you are not going to disrespect me.