Sexual abuse

[Preety_India]

I'm trying to deal with something too vulnerable. 

 

[Preety_India]

I did feel violated in a way. The only problem is that my memory just doesn't support me anymore 

 

[Preety_India]

I feel so autistic and my autism was/is just worse than ever. I feel super uncomfortable even talking about this shit. I don't even know if I can do this. 

I feel like something happened yet my memory is hazy. 

But this is my most vulnerable part of me. It's hard on me. Was I sexually abused at some point. 

I confided in my sibling 3 months ago about and they agreed. 

But the person who did it did not agree with me. 

Which is again hard. Because it's invalidation. 

 

[Preety_India]

I don't want any comments in this journal. This is a super vulnerable thing for me. 

I don't want anyone to feed on my wounds. Just please leave me and my wounds alone. 

I don't want any pity 

I don't want any suggestions 

I don't want any sympathy 

I don't want my empathy 

 

I just want me and my trauma and my wounds to be left completely alone. It's up to me to deal with it. 

 

 

I don't want anyone in my private world. It's my world. 

 

It's my world in which I explore my wounds and I do not ask for any help. 

 

 

 

Just don't feel bad for me or pity me. I don't like it. Your pity only makes me feel worse about myself. 

 

 

I don't write shit for you to feel pity or bad about me. 

 

 

Just leave me alone, all of you and deal with your own shit. 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

I think the person who abused me many years ago were my predator 

 

I'll call them Predator A

 

I'll however not reveal them as I don't feel okay 

[Preety_India]

I'm in a confused state and a bit panicky. I still feel afraid. 

Like I can't talk. 

Or like talking is a crime. 

Predator A is probably responsible for how I feel. 

They were very close to me 

 

 

[Preety_India]

With my previous boyfriends too, these patterns kept repeating.

My second ex boyfriend Bud (who I talk about in another journal) did talk about how fortunate I was since he didn't rape me. 

But he had some wicked fantasies with me. 

Now I'm thinking why. 

 

[Preety_India]

I like eating chocolate. A chocolate heart. Is that a coping mechanism. I don't know. 

I just feel like I should invest more into chocolate. Anything that is deeply fulfilling is good. 

 

[Preety_India]

I think Leo gave me a good answer on this. He made me understand things. 

 

[Preety_India]

I have to first understand what goes on in an abuser's mind. 

Then I will know why they do what they do. 

 

Why did predator A rip my clothes off? 

 

Ugh. 

 

Edited May 18, 2022 by Preety_India