[POLL] Would you rather get broken up with/or break up with someone?

[Roy]

I wanted to get a gauge of people's experiences in life here. Now that I've been through a handle of relationships and have some data to reflect on, I've realized for me personally it's been WAY harder to be the one doing the dumping.

When someone has broken up with me it has had an element of surprise to it, so while it hurts it feels a bit like an unlucky event that you just have to get through. Kind of like falling off your bike or getting in a small fender bender. You just pick yourself up, learn what you can and move on.

Being the one doing the breaking up however I've noticed is much harder. You know that you are going to probably hurt the other person, and you have to carefully plan what you're going to say and how to soften the blow, as well as pick a time and location to anticipate and dread. You've also got to overcome the urge to go easy on them and say no if they start to bargain. The entire experience is just shit.

[Tudo]

I won't gonna lie, I'd prefer to break up with someone, instead of the other way around.

[thisintegrated]

If you break up, you'll always wonder if you made the right decision.

If they break up with you, you'll have nothing to wonder about.  The breakup was out of your control.

Edited May 17, 2022 by thisintegrated

[Tudo]

5 minutes ago, thisintegrated said:

If you break up, you'll always wonder if you made the right decision.

If they break up with you, you'll have nothing to wonder about.  The breakup was out of your control.

good point

[Loba]

I prefer being broken up with, I'm not good at telling people no and tend to just ghost - not intentionally, I'm just shy.

[Preety_India]

I would prefer none. 

 

Breakup is extremely hard. 

I would rather just not want a relationship than deal with heartache. 

I get hit pretty hard during a breakup. 

 

 

[Jacob Morres]

Both are shitty but i pick breaking up with someone. I Hate to hurt someone but being hurt boy is that painful 

[Roy]

4 hours ago, thisintegrated said:

If you break up, you'll always wonder if you made the right decision.

If they break up with you, you'll have nothing to wonder about.  The breakup was out of your control.

This is a really great point yeah. When I made the decision to let someone go it felt exactly like the right choice at the time, but your perception isn't the same over time so you come back to revisit it.

While anytime I've been let go I haven't had a single inclination to try and get them back.

[somegirl]

@Roy Well, so far I have always been the one who broke up with others. So I don't know how it is to be broken up with.

The closest I've got to be broken up with is "get fired" from on organization I was in. It felt like a break up. And while I wanted it to happen in some sense, and I felt relieved to leave, I noticed that my ego was a bit bruised. Ego felt slightly offended, even though I wanted to leave, myself. But I didn't spend too much time thinking about it, it was a subtle feeling of "You're dumping ME? THE AUDACITY".

So this is why I think my ego would probably do the same, just on a bigger scale, in a relationship.

Though I'm not sure.

[something_else]

Getting broken up with for sure, I know I’m capable of handling it but the other person’s reaction is unpredictable 

I usually struggle to have the balls to break up with girls, I often end up just becoming distant or letting things start to fizzle out which is very unhealthy and often crueler

Though my first GF was heavily suicidal and threatened (and sort of attempted) to kill herself after we broke up so I definitely have some trauma there 

[somegirl]

I think it's concerning and a cowardly move to avoid telling someone the truth (that you want to break up), and to wish to be on a receiving end of it so you can avoid looking like the bad person and face uncomfortable feelings. Super  cowardly.

Yes, it's uncomfortable thing to do, but wanting to be broken up with because you are too afraid to tell someone the truth, and to avoid taking responsibility, is bad.

It doesn't contribute to your development as a person, you're just running away from things you need to face. 

Edited May 17, 2022 by somegirl

[zurew]

It always depends on the context.

If i would be in a situation where i think that the girl would harm herself or the girl wouldn't be capable of handling the breakup, then i wouldn't want to initiate it.

If i would be in a situation where i know exactly that our relationship doesn't going anywhere, and i know that she could handle the break up then i would initiate it, even though it would be tough.

When you think she wouldn't be able to handle the breakup the only other option you have is to guide her to break up with you, if you really care about her wellbeing. Its manipulative, but and the end of the day you need to decide what you value more (caring about an other person's wellbeing, or not being manipulative) ----> Of course this is tricky, because i could be totally wrong in my own understanding about the situation. I might think that she isn't capable of handling a breakup, but at the same time she might be capable of handling it.

Edited May 17, 2022 by zurew

[Arthogaan]

For me in the past it was easier to get over me being hurt by someone vs me getting over the fact that I hurt someone. So getting broken up with.

[Gesundheit2]

16 hours ago, Roy said:

Being the one doing the breaking up however I've noticed is much harder. You know that you are going to probably hurt the other person, and you have to carefully plan what you're going to say and how to soften the blow, as well as pick a time and location to anticipate and dread. You've also got to overcome the urge to go easy on them and say no if they start to bargain. The entire experience is just shit.

It's the same when you want to quit a job that doesn't resonate with you anymore. Nobody can force-hire you. You don't want that job and that's just it. There's no way they can get you back unless they meet your standards, which are likely hard to meet to begin with if you are the one wanting the breakup.

The last time I quit a job, the boss was asking me why, I told him the reason, and he started bargaining and gaslighting that this and this will happen. I told him, I understand all that, but I've already made up my mind. He said I'm not stopping you from leaving, I'm just telling you the outcome. I told him that I'm sure about my decision. He did another maneuver and I replied in a similar way, then he got it. It's not hard if you know you have valid reasons.

Edited May 17, 2022 by Gesundheit2