How To Become More Assertive?

[Eddy]

What are the ways you become more verbal, or open in conversation? I have been a natural introvert, but I am beginning my journey into becoming more extroverted and direct with my points in conversations, although sometimes its hard because I've naturally been the guy who just listens to people and add a couple of things to the convo?

[ayokolomo]

I found my lack of assertiveness came from my lack of self esteem, there was always a voice at the back of my head that was saying "shut the fuck up."  I mean literaly, during conversations I would actualy have a point, but hear this negative mantra and not say anything.

I cant remember where I heard this from, but I have been using two phrases to counter this:

No, and

I will

Using these two has really helped me in becoming more assertive.

[Eddy]

1 hour ago, ayokolomo said:

I found my lack of assertiveness came from my lack of self esteem, there was always a voice at the back of my head that was saying "shut the fuck up."  I mean literaly, during conversations I would actualy have a point, but hear this negative mantra and not say anything.

I cant remember where I heard this from, but I have been using two phrases to counter this:

No, and

I will

Using these two has really helped me in becoming more assertive.

yeah, right now im reading a book on how to overcome some social anxiety and, one of the things you can do is give the negative voice in your head a goofy name, and everytime you get a " why did you say that" "you cant be open" sort of thought I tell the name how silly it is

[MIARIVEL]

I have struggled with assertiveness, I have always been the 'yes' person to everything and have had so many people telling me I'm too nice, I can easily be someone's doormat, why don't I stick up for myself and so on.

I think you really need to understand and work on your beliefs and values in order to gain clarity and confidence, which has a lot to do with how assertive you are. I used to be worried about other people's reactions/feelings if I said something but now I have just learnt to say what I want to say in a nice way. That way I have said what I needed to say and the other person knows exactly how I feel. 

You have to know your own worth and value and know that your opinion matters and you have something valuable to offer.

Its okay to say no sometimes and do not feel guilty for doing so, just express yourself and practice more and more. Before you know it, you will be the one leading conversations.  

[Hira Athar]

@MIA.RIVEL  

Quote

you really need to understand and work on your beliefs and values in order to gain clarity and confidence,

I am also working on this and I have to do some hard work. Can you guide from where to start working/looking if I want to look deeper into my beliefs and values to get over it. As in, suggest something to read may be? 

I have written this comment and deleted it several times thinking that may be its a stupid thing to ask.. which is making me realize how low self esteem I have. 

[JeffR1]

I too have found I can be shy at times and may tend to hang back in conversations, although over the years I've found I can be more involved in conversations. 

I'm more comfortable with people I know, which I think could be the case for others. So, for me, a strategy I use with a group of people I don't really know well is to politely and actively listen. Look at the people who are speaking, and really listen to what they are saying (as opposed to what your mind might be chattering at you). Relax your body and breathing whilst taking in what is being said. I find it helps to give non-verbal cues, such as nodding your head and keeping your posture relaxed. 

After I've taken in what is being said and understand the gist of the conversation, I slowly start to add to the conversation - generally by asking a question. It could be like 'how big was the elephant' - you know, something that is pertinent to the conversation. From there, people will often start to be more open to you and include you. 

Just go with the flow and you may find yourself feeling even more relaxed, to the point where you might be able to start opening up about something you've experienced or have done.

I've actually had people say to me something along the lines of 'wow, you fitted in real well with my friends - they really like you'. And yet, at the time, I knew I was putting in the effort. Over time, I still feel I need to practice the above, and each time it becomes somewhat easier. Don't get me wrong, I'm not 'the life a party' person, it's just more relaxed and easier.

One book I can recommend is Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway, by Susan J. Jeffers. I've read it at least 5 or 6 times - it is so good and has helped me in so many ways. Best wishes.

[Soumya]

29 minutes ago, JeffR1 said:

I I too have found I can be shy at times and may tend to hang back in conversations, although over the years I've found I can be more involved in conversations. 

I'm more comfortable with people I know, which I think could be the case for others. So, for me, a strategy I use with a group of people I don't really know well is to politely and actively listen. Look at the people who are speaking, and really listen to what they are saying (as opposed to what your mind might be chattering at you). Relax your body and breathing whilst taking in what is being said. I find it helps to give non-verbal cues, such as nodding your head and keeping your posture relaxed. 

After I've taken in what is being said and understand the gist of the conversation, I slowly start to add to the conversation - generally by asking a question. It could be like 'how big was the elephant' - you know, something that is pertinent to the conversation. From there, people will often start to be more open to you and include you. 

Just go with the flow and you may find yourself feeling even more relaxed, to the point where you might be able to start opening up about something you've experienced or have done.

I've actually had people say to me something along the lines of 'wow, you fitted in real well with my friends - they really like you'. And yet, at the time, I knew I was putting in the effort. Over time, I still feel I need to practice the above, and each time it becomes somewhat easier. Don't get me wrong, I'm not 'the life a party' person, it's just more relaxed and easier.

One book I can recommend is Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway, by Susan J. Jeffers. I've read it at least 5 or 6 times - it is so good and has helped me in so many ways. Best wishes.

I am calm and composed always, but when in a group I fear to open up and put forward my suggestions. I have high levels of anxiety and fear rejection at times. I think that everyone knows better , so I hesitate to speak up.  I am sure your suggestions will help me as well.

[ayokolomo]

6 hours ago, Eddy said:

yeah, right now im reading a book on how to overcome some social anxiety and, one of the things you can do is give the negative voice in your head a goofy name, and everytime you get a " why did you say that" "you cant be open" sort of thought I tell the name how silly it is

Funny, because I actually do the opposite.  I have given a name to the assertive side and try to follow that.

[Adam G]

1) You gotta take your daily dose of Whogivesashit. 

2) Practice, practice, practice assertion.

[Christopher Cant]

I've taken a lot from RSDFreetour on youtube for social confidence.  Warning, its geared towards helping young single guys get laid, but if you can filter out what you don't resonate with, there's some really great information in there about building an inner foundation of confidence.

[ayokolomo]

5 hours ago, Adam G said:

 

2) Practice, practice, practice assertion.

This is ultimately the best answer.

[Elzhi]

Some suggestions:

1. Start learning "pickup" and going out to public places in order to socialize (I recommend RSD material)

2. If that's not you're cup of tea, then you can do Toastmaster's, but honestly I can't recommend pickup enough

3. Start meditating daily. I found that a lot of my stifled-ness went away when I started meditating because it helps focus your mind. Really what's blocking you from expressing yourself is typically negative mental chatter and caring too much about what people think, i.e EGO. Meditation quiets the thinking mind and helps you control the way you think or not think at all.

4. Affirmations...? I've been experimenting with "Other people's opinions of me are worthless" and "I am independent of other people's positive or negative perceptions of me" and "I accept myself completely" etc. for a little over thirty days and strangely enough, the anxiety that I typically might feel even so much as stepping into an elevator has completely dissipated.

The thing about affirmations though is that you have to be incredibly disciplined about them. I go through mine at least once in the morning and then again before bed, repeating them in aloud and then in my head. Also repeating them throughout the day helps reinforce the neural patterns tremendously.

I can't say definitively whether they'll work for you or not, but it's definitely worth it, considering it's such a small longitudinal investment with a potentially huge payoff. I think they say it takes sixty-some days to rewire neural networks. Give it a shot.

Cheers

 

[Elzhi]

Also remember not to judge yourself for those times when you are stifled or not assertive. That's where that self-acceptance comes in. Don't beat yourself up, keep at it and remind yourself that you'll get there in time.

Everything in self-development is a long term investment of little 1% gains that you make daily by sticking to the proper habits. Then over the course of a year it amasses tremendously. Trust that.

Cheers

[Free Spirit]

I have learned to stop thinking about what others think about what I have to say, what others think about if I'm introverted etc.. just listen to what people are saying, really listen to them, and if you have something to add, great, but if not, maybe they are not the ones to be with. There is nothing wrong with being a good listener.   Just be yourself and know you are an ok person

Edited February 13, 2016 by Free Spirit

[Abhijeeth]

 @Eddy                    YOU can be ASSERTIVE by developing these skills -

1) Stop caring what others think of you. Raise your voice ... It doesn't matter if they reject it it. It doesn't matter if there is a fight too.... People will RESPECT you because you are authentic.

   as you start speaking out , 

You will start feeling more and more AUTHENTIC and you will LOVE YOURSELF and start being HAPPY AND RESPECTFUL 

towards yourself.  THIS WILL DEVELOP SELF ESTEEM.. which is ultimately what you need to be ASSERTIVE

P.S : It doesn't matter if people don't consider your voice at first. OPINIONS ARE TEMPORARY .... All the best

 

Edited February 13, 2016 by Abhijeeth

[Arman]

During conversations, start to become more mindful and present by slowing down your breathing. Then start to take small action steps even though they are uncomfortable. It can be things like finishing your sentence when someone else starts talking, instead of usually stopping, or giving your opinion when you otherwise might not for the sake of practice. The trick is to feel the fear/resistance and do it anyway. Later, chances are you might feel uncomfortable or have the negative inner monologue but it's only a sign that you're moving out of your comfort zone, not that you're doing anything wrong. 

At first the changes will seem artificial but in time they will become more natural and you will find yourself feeling more comfortable in conversation. 

[Leo Gura]

I want to shoot a vid on this topic.

[Jesper]

For me it mostly comes down to fear of being rejected, fear of what other people might think of me: for example they might think that what I say is stupid or naive. So I don't express myself, I keep the conversation shallow, I don't say what I think or how I feel.

I think a good way to practice with this is to have conversations with just one other person at first, preferrably a good friend (someone that you feel at ease with talking to). Practice really expressing your feelings and don't hold back. Push yourself to go a little further expressing yourself to your good friend. That will make it easier to become more expressive and assertive with other people and groups.

[bazera]

@Leo Gura That would be great Leo, and hope that you will do that in a near future, because this is an issue for lots of people.

[dude]

I find assertiveness very weird in some cases because it is not good to judge you have to be openminded right? So how than can you be assertive if a beliefsystem is just all fake made up rules? Should you be assertive in to not judge anyone? But that is just  further building on your belief system and you have to destroy it right?

A lot of questions I still have to figure out.

I now try to assert my self by just self-amuzing and letting people see that the world is stupid and weird.