Anger issues in relationship - Learning to communicate

[Tobias L]

I am asking for any recommendation of exercises, books, courses or ideas you have. Thank you for every feedback from you!

The general topic is practicing communication in a romantic relationship. But I need to give some background information about my specific situation, so you can understand what I mean.

I am in a romantic relationship with my girlfriend for a little over a year. I am 27, she is 25. I had never the chance in my life to actually learn how to communicate about my needs and my emotions properly. And this is causing problems in my relationship now. I have a really hard time to verbalize what is wrong when I am angry.

Due to my childhood I still have a lot of unresolved anger within me that gets triggered in my relationship. Before my girlfriend, it was my mom. She never really cared about my needs and didn't listen properly when I told her that she is overstepping her boundaries as a mother. I want to give as much details as necessary, but keep the whole thing short, so I am not going into detail here. Let's just say my childhood growing up with my mother put a really strong anger in me. Also with my father and stepmother I couldn't be authentic because I was afraid of getting judged by them due to reasons, so I always lied to them or took a lot of time to answer questions because I felt I need to say the right thing so they are not angry or judgy with me. With my parents I couldn't really learn to talk about what is really going inside of me. I never learned that.

I was a very, very quiet child, also in school. Aside from that I had to deal with a ~10 year long severe porn addiction and sexual confusement on my own because I didn't really open up to anyone and didn't really told anyone what was going on and how I felt when I felt absolutely down low. By now I solved all issues with porn and sexuality, but throughout my life I just never learned to talk about myself. 

So the points I want to make saying all this are

- I never truly learned to share myself and the causes of my feelings with anyone and talking it through.
- I get angry very, very fast when my someone oversteps my boundaries or doesn't acknowledge my needs.
- But the problem is: I can't verbalize my needs or boundaries. I'm not clear on them.

How does it looks like now in my relationship:

I get angry because of a thing my girlfriend is doing. For example today we met at my place relatively spontaneously. We haven't planned to meeting today at all. But some plants on my balcony that we have bought together just recently showed signs of not being well and she wanted to save and foster them so they don't die. So she needed to come around. But I saved the day to go all in on my study and learn. And I like to do this focused and without interruptions, definitely alone in my room. I knew that when my gf is coming, I can't do that. So there I already felt anger building up inside of me, while my rational mind says, yeah okay, she's coming over to do this and it has to be today, probably also no big deal for other people, so relax. I did, but then some other things happened, where I felt my needs aren't met, no big things, but some tiny things and that built up the anger inside of me. To the point where she is asking me why I am feeling bad, what is up with me because I am sitting near her saying nothing and being angry. I go into some kind of passive aggressive mode and don't answer and loop into my angry mode. I can't formulate what is going on. I have so much emotion inside of me. I am angry about her, I am angry about me because deep down I know I am reacting in an emotional immature way, I am passive aggressive again, I feel bad about myself. But I also somehow can't pull myself together and honestly talk about what is up with me, also because I am not entirely clear myself and because I am overwhelmed by a really strong anger, you could even say hate or scorn because it is so strong, that is coming up. Currently we have such situations very often, where I just burst out in anger, but haven't communicated my needs/boundaries to her in a clear way before. And I definitely want to change that, but I am a bit clueless how. I am so overwhelmed by my emotions in these situations. It is not that I want to actively be passive aggressive and hurt her, but I just do because I can't help myself. 

I need to learn how to catch myself in the emotion, becoming a little more aware and then trying to verbalize to her what is going on, so we can talk about it and solve it. I know that it is very unhealthy behavior in a relationship and usually I am known for a guy that is being very self-reflected, but in my relationship that triggers so much in me, it is really hard for me to keep a cool head and don't react like a three-year old that is petulant.

My gf said maybe something like non-violent communication practice would help me. I am already meditating everyday, cutting out sweets and eating a relatively to very healthy diet, so the basics are covered. But I need some kind of exercise or training for these specific situations. I am open for any suggestions, ideas or recommendations you guys have. Also other experiences with the same problem I like to hear.

I am thankful for any constructive comment of you!

I wish you a good day!  

Edited May 14, 2022 by Tobias L

[Bando]

Therapy, no course can really teach you how to have a proper relationship all they can do is give you guidelines which is pointless if you don't have a good foundation. Having a trained professional help dig out unprocessed emotions/trauma is whats going to make your relationships stronger. 

This is a good place to start  https://www.talkspace.com/ if money is tight theres other basic forms of trauma work you can find on youtube, reddit and other forums but if your going to pay for anything consider therapy.

[JonasVE12]

Read the work of Dr Robert Glover on the nice guy syndrome. Sounds like a typical case of that. His book 'No more mr nice guy' is a good beginning.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jjHrowRGCMs

 

 

[Raze]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Az41hkLie6I

[Spiral]

Anger comes from a lack of understanding. 

[universe]

Hm.. do you like being around your girlfriend, do you love her?

It's very hard to give advice without knowing you two.

Maybe you are not comfortable with tension. And you want to make everone feel good and like you all the time. This is what prevents you from setting proper boundaries and is a typical nice guy syndrome.

I would also encourage you to learn Emotional Mastery. It is a long term process but it has been worth it a thousandfold for me. Watch all of Leo's Video on Emotions and if you are not sure where to start read this post about Integrating Emotions.

[Tobias L]

Thank you very much for you comments! I was ill a short time, so I haven't had a chance to answer.

On 15.5.2022 at 5:47 PM, universe said:

Hm.. do you like being around your girlfriend, do you love her?

It's very hard to give advice without knowing you two.

Maybe you are not comfortable with tension. And you want to make everone feel good and like you all the time. This is what prevents you from setting proper boundaries and is a typical nice guy syndrome.

I would also encourage you to learn Emotional Mastery. It is a long term process but it has been worth it a thousandfold for me. Watch all of Leo's Video on Emotions and if you are not sure where to start read this post about Integrating Emotions.

The question if I like being around my girlfriend and if I love her is really a question that I am afraid of and that currently brings up shame in me. I try to put it into words, but I don't know if I adequately can. 

As you know, a lot of anger comes up regarding her. And it is a similar anger that I turned on my mother. Now this anger seems to project on her and not anymore on my mother, which I now see in a more balanced way. 

I have the feeling that this anger very regularly closes my heart and i can't feel love and connection with my girlfriend then. I get annoyed by her. I can get really angry and hateful about how she is living her life, what kind of perspectives she has etc. This anger plays out in my mind and is often times not really realistically showing my girlfriend as she is. But of course there are real things that really annoys me about my girlfriend. So that gets mixed up. It is hard for me to disentangle what kind of anger is irrational and what kind of anger might be rational saying, okay, this is really something I don't like about her and that I might want to talk about with her. It is really hard to discriminate for me.

When I see a little bit more clearly again, I can see also the good sides of my girlfriend again and then I think, ah, she actually is a good fit for me and I enjoy spending time with her and I love her. But I also feel kind of like a fraud sometimes because I don't really know if I am even able to love someone. I have feelings of love for her, but it is not super frequent. You have to know: We know and date each other for over one year and we never said "I love you" before one year into dating. She would have said it to me earlier, but I was the one that is really hesitant about it and even still today it sometimes just feels off to say it to her. 

It feels off for me because I know that I came out of like 10 years of shit (in terms of porn addiction, extreme fear of intimacy, sabotaging mother, father not emotionally available and cold) and I managed to get out of all that (like really, I did it! I actually should celebrate every single day! I came so far from where I started), but I have the feeling my ability to love is not yet developed highly.

But I know I can work on it and I do. For example yesterday I found loving-kindness meditation, where you wish yourself and others that they may live well and happy and all those good things and this evoked a great feeling because I felt that I wish my girlfriend truly from my heart a well and happy life. 

But you know, because of all this, it is evoking a really weird feeling in me, when you ask me this question and I should answer it honestly. Because my heart or my mind is two-minded, sometimes filled with hate and anger and sometimes filled with more feelings that I would associate with love and liking her.

Having a lovely, mature relationship is one of my top values in life. I am working on it, but to be honest I doubt a lot if my girlfriend is the right one currently. But I also would say that the major part of this doubting is evoked through me not seeing her completely realistic because of my anger and hate tendencies. And another major part of this doubting is that the communication between us could be better, which is also my responsibility to figure out my needs and boundaries and what lets me feel good in a relationship in the first place and then communicating that to her so we can build on it together. 

I think another part of my doubting is that this is my first girlfriend and it was also my goal to get a girlfriend, finally being able to build intimacy with someone I like. But I have no references of how it is to be together with other women. I mean I had sexual longterm contact including a good level of intimacy with one other woman, but that was it. And there is obviously also a side inside of me that would like to live myself out sexually in a different way, because I have some kinks and my girlfriend is not too much into the same kinks. 

But to counter all that, I truly could envision a beautiful future with her.

Sorry for the long reply, but this question is really keeping me busy. 

Edited May 24, 2022 by Tobias L

[universe]

You could be having commitment phobia.

It's quite common. It comes from a difficult relationship with your parents. Where you parents either gave you too much love (too much protection, not allowing you to explore the world on your own) or too little love (not enough acceptance and love that a child needs).

Now because of this difficult relationship with your parents you think all relationships are like that. Because you think the burden of making a relationship work is entirely on your side you feel like you are not good enough or scared that you have to give up too much freedom.

It might makes sense to hire a psychologist to work with you through that.

In general what you will need to do is to learn Emotional Mastery (thus releasing your needs for acceptance/love, oneness and seperateness) and to practice Self-Love (giving yourself everything you want to have from others).

//Notice your girlfriend very likely has commitment phobia as well but is the passive part of it.

[Loving Radiance]

On 14.5.2022 at 10:38 PM, Tobias L said:

But I need some kind of exercise or training for these specific situations. I am open for any suggestions, ideas or recommendations you guys have. Also other experiences with the same problem I like to hear.

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLLKmB51wF7NlDZgRnxUlt7BF60VQtciuH

Hey Tobias, these emotional release tools are good to do before you want to communicate anything concerning boundaries and the like.

In my experience, pillow bashing, hand & pillow scream help alot with anger. Controlling and repressing anger eats you from the inside. You already feel that. So, whenever you are in your mind raging against & hating her, do the emotional release till you feel complete.

To do the work, I'd suggest you do it at least for 10 minutes in the morning. And whenever you feel anger arising during the day, do the hand scream for a second or for as long you need to. It's maybe also good to inform your gf that you try that out, so she understands what you do, when you do it.

Edited May 24, 2022 by Loving Radiance

[JonasVE12]

@Tobias L Hey man, isn't the relationship just a mirror for how you feel about yourself? How deserving do you feel of women in general? If you walk around the city, and you see women passing by, would you be at ease going up to them and introducing yourself? Or would that be difficult and trigger a sense of unworthiness? Maybe the anger and slight hatred towards her is just projecting that sense of powerlessness onto her? How you are feeling now isn't really showing that you truly love her. It seems more like you are 'trying' to love her and manipulating yourself into loving her. And maybe that is because you feel a lack of self-esteem overall which makes you feel incapable of meeting another woman, or it feels difficult/effort, and so that is what keeps you codependent to her. You may avoid a sense of loneliness. 

Maybe you need some time for yourself to process how you really feel, to just be alone with your emotions and then things will become more clear. In such a state, a relationship is a distraction so you don't have to feel other repressed feelings. The attachment to her is a false sense of security. It is comforting but it keeping you away from finding your internal sense of peace and power. 

How would it feel to let her go? It doesn't seem like you are enjoying her truly. But along that, maybe it feels more comfortable being with her rather than being alone? How would you feel alone? And how might your girlfriend compensate for this? 

You know, that inability to love and open your heart is only the consequence of having a closed heart towards yourself. I bet you have a lot of repressed emotions of shame and fear that you haven't yet fully processed. 

Your life, including your relationships, are just a reflection of your own level of emotional embodiment. Even though breaking up with her may bring intense fear, it is where you grow the most. You can be fully happy in a relationship. It can be effortless. But it requires you to be able to handle your own emotions and to gain the courage to face them without avoidance. So going through the pain of breaking up, being alone for a while, is part of that process of healing your emotions. 

Especially during a breakup is where you can find a lot of inner peace. All that pain can be transmuted into love and contribute to a stronger self-esteem. 

it's also not fair for her. She deserves someone who truly chooses her. And she may have to process her own stuff, because being with you may also be a way of coping with some of her own baggage. Aim for a woman who you love effortlessly. A woman who you have an intense passion for. It can happen, but you need to build a high level of self-esteem for that. You need to process all of your shame and fear you have in yourself. And that is when you will have more happiness in your relationships, because internally, you are becoming fulfilled.

I think your issue is a lot deeper than just having anger in your relationship. I think there is some deeper blockages that contract you and cause you to be in a situation you are in now. It is then just key to get out of the relationship and to get clarity of what's going on in your own mind.

It's always good to make a commitment that you aren't going to enter any relationship unless it's from a place of freedom and power.