Nothing works for me

[Gabith]

Spirituality was useless to me, it was an illusion
I thought I was happy for a few weeks but every time I was naive
Now I see how bad I feel, I was always a people pleaser, a dog.

Since all those years of school bullying, I became weak, insecure, people-pleaser...
I tried so many things, but it was 10 years of my life wasted.
I tried to accept myself as I am, weak, feeling less than others, anxious and lousy with girls, but it didn't work. 
I tried to become confident, I tried to believe, to use the law of attraction, to believe that I would find my girlfriend or that I was attractive. 
I tried to be happy alone, to resign myself. 
I tried to stop caring what others think of me. 
I tried magic, mantras, positive affirmations, loving myself...
Energy therapists, psychologists, help centers, drugs, meditation, spending time alone, talking to my inner child, getting muscular,...

I can't stand being like this anymore, I don't want to fight anymore because it leads to nothing but more pain.
Even the narcissistic perverts are more loved and respected than me.

If only I could be like them, mean, manipulative without ever feeling bad. At least women would pay attention to me and I wouldn't be alone all my life.
I can't be happy the only time in my life I was really happy was when I was with a girlfriend or when I was on drugs.
These men and women who harassed me at school for years have totally destroyed me after 10 years of fighting to change, I am the same but feeling worse because I am more aware. 

I hate these women, I had always idealized them to take them as angels, to feel less than nothing in front of them, to try to please them or to pretend that they did not attract me... They don't give a damn about nice or insecure guys. 
They like assholes, bad guys, fake guys. I always feel bad about myself, always thinking what others think of me, believing that they're making fun of me, having negative thoughts of me, will reject me if I ask them out. 

I hate myself even more, acting like a dog, being afraid of confrontation, of displeasing or being rejected. Having tried everything to stay the same, seeing all these people worse than me who find love

The law of attraction, love, magic are all bullshit.
All these people who tell me "it's going to be ok" "keep fighting" "don't give up" .... they make me sick I was fighting for 10 years, I had toxic girlfriend who manipulated me because of my weakness and my insecurities, now I'm alone like never and I see how much I was naive how much I'm destroyed inside how much this world is bad, all this spiritual bulltshit is only making it worse, believing but nothing good ever happens 

I want to be an asshole, a bad guy, I want to be the extreme opposite of who I am without feeling bad. I can't live like this anymore, I'd rather die than stay a dog. But how to do it? Nothing works, I'm doomed to feel inferior to others, to feel not good enough or weird

I can't even choose suicide because this fucking God is creating bad karma if I kill myself. It's pure hell, hell is here thank u "loving god" 

[ZGROPIUS]

26 minutes ago, Gabith said:

because I am more aware. 

This is true progress. You understand this.    

You know and Can express yourself, you understand how you feel, You know how things happened and is happening. These consciousness are fundamental and important in real. Hate them as deeply angry as you deeply want, grab the art/music/works that are your kind and type. and Lucid dream is something completely in your command. My teacher and his master cured many people who have cancer with qigong. It's one of the spiritual techniques called Wuji Zhuang. The practice is all done by patients themselves. I believe you right here and now are forever FULL OF HOPE.

[Gabith]

@Knowledge Hoarder Ok

[gettoefl]

first i want to say you are a beautiful man, you bring a ton to the table, you have talent in many areas, there is no divine spark like yours anywhere, you are going through turbulent waters but you are learning about yourself about life about god about people

you are bogged down in extreme polarity right now, if last week is good this week is bad as sure as the sun rises in the sky, you need to see this deeply and get out of such judgement

next realize you have created your world, all you said above is your projection your interpretation your critique of what is around you

you need to work on you, 50% of life needs to be inner life namely 12 hours every day, 8 hours sleep  4 hours deep spiritual practice / meditation ... this is the platform from which to live your best life to make yourself untouchable incorruptible unstoppable

without trying to sound trite, the formula for life is fix you first then love me and i can attest that this really work

[Omni]

How can God ever meet such high expectations?

Edited May 13, 2022 by Omni

[Gabith]

@gettoefl Thank you 

[Ulax]

If you want to get serious about it, try IFS w/ an ifs institute practioner if you have money. theres a way you can do a lot of work yourself, too w/ it.

Be careful which advice you take too

pm me if u want

[something_else]

It sounds like you have a lot of very chaotic thoughts

Three things I noticed:

• You look like a fairly young guy, and many of the things you have tried are not quick fixes. They take time to work. Often years.
• You've tried a lot of different things. It's usually better to focus deep on one or two things that are most important to you for several years, rather than jumping around. You clearly want to be better with girls, I'd start with that. Talk to tons of girls
• Spirituality isn't so great for curing insecurity on its own, you will probably need to cure that with more traditional means before you start spitirual work

The best antidote to insecurity from being bullied by other dudes is surrounding yourself with dudes stronger (physically and mentally) than the ones that bullied you and seeing how they live their life. This is one way to develop masculinity. Something like martial arts or any kind of beginner friendly sport is great for that

In school, I was pathetic, introverted, kinda lonely, bullied, etc. but I feel much more confident in myself now

The three things that helped me most:

• Moving into my own place
• Going out every weekend and hardcore socialising
• BJJ (Braziliian Jiu Jitsu)

[BlueOak]

You can also take these traits that the bullies had, which you see you are missing, such as being powerful, strong, etc, and go build them into you. Only the healthy kind, where you get powerful and strong at the expense of no one else. Further, you can go and do it so it benefits others around you.

It sounds like you are in knots, they robbed you of something by hurting you with it and making you hate it. I'm sorry for that, I had similar experiences. Start looking at what makes up a bad guy, and take the traits that you want, without putting others down around you. Women like confidence (I say honesty) most of the time, not cockiness, certainly not a lowlife taking them for granted or treating them poorly. Confidence is a trait you can certainly work on by being true to yourself. It was brave and confident, to be honest here, to put your heart on your sleeve and say hey this is me, this is what I am feeling.

Realising what the abuser had that was missing in you shows remarkable progress with the trauma. When you come to terms with your abuse, the effect it had on you, your coping mechanisms, the problems that it gives you in relating to others or aspects of life etc. For those that are not yet there, go work on understanding yourself first. Otherwise, you can end up hating yourself more, until you can separate healthy relationships or interactions with unhealthy ones. To see it's not the traits of strength, control, confidence, or being powerful that are at fault, it's how people were/are using them. Many young girls might not know the difference yet either, which is why they fall for jerks and get hurt. It's like how a guy can fall for prideful femininity and then see it used against him by someone wielding it like blackmail or control.

You are getting to the point where you realise you either took on parts of the abuser's traits, attraction to them, or wish to emulate them. If you had an abusive parent for example, that can be part of you, it was half of your upbringing. If you had a partner that was abusive, it forms part of your understanding of relationships and you seek it out again subconsciously. In your case, it was bullies and (perhaps) your sense of self-worth, what was right or wrong to be as a man, or the sense of control. If you worry about what you will become when you acknowledge this. Then picture yourself being bullied and what that kind of behavior does to people. Meditate on it, and talk to others about it like you are doing here. However, the fact you understand the pain by using power, strength, control, and confidence in an abusive manner and worry about it, means you are already well past the self-awareness of being a bully.

I think you are closer to where you want to be than you think. Working out fully what you want. Who you want to be. Knowing how it messes others up if coming from a bad place. Now you just have to act on it, and find ways to get what you want without stepping on others, but lifting them up instead.

All the best. 

Edited May 13, 2022 by BlueOak

[Leo Gura]

Life can be very tough. But giving up is not an option. You can still transform yourself and your life, but you have to seriously analyze why you have not been getting results. It's not because you are unlovable. Getting results is just much different than simply doing self-help in a mechanical way. You have to analyze where your methods haven't been working and how to do them in waya that generate results.

Take a break but don't quit.

[puporing]

The higher you go the more alone you get. That you recognize there's less truth in being manipulative, unconcerned, "mean". It's more alone and difficult to have your heart open to others, knowing full well most of them cannot receive truth and honesty. I'm not saying there's nothing to work on, but is it really what you want to work in the opposite direction of growth.. There's something ahead that is available where you can embody both truth and love and be desired by the opposite sex. This is what you should aim for to be truly happy with yourself, not falling back to unconsciousness. 

[Cepzeu]

Too much mind. You are caught in a loop of overanalysis and overthinking. You are judging yourself an others. 

Read The Power of Now. That is what you need. You are identified with mind, future, and past.

You are loveable, and you can express your true nature.

You are acting from a place of trying to be someone that you're not. Instead, be who you are NOW and work towards what you want to be. Very subtle difference. Instead of TRYING to be, through thought and mental imagery, BE who you are and FEEL the now and your body. At the moment your mind is like a parasite that has a big sucker on your eyes and you can't see properly.

Go to a loud dark nightclub, stand somewhere in the middle of the crowd and just move your body to the beat. Close your eyes. There is no one but you, the music, and the waves of movement around you. FEEL into that and shut off your mind.

Edited May 13, 2022 by Cepzeu

[thisintegrated]

Why is your focus entirely on other people?  Do you want someone to acknowledge you and make you feel good about yourself, or what?  What is it you need from others?

[hyruga]

You must not care what others think so much. Just ignore whatever they are thinking and live your own life. 

[SeaMonster]

I think you are actually at the point of a breakthrough.  Those happen when you feel like you're getting nowhere; like you're beating your head against the wall and nothing is working.

So now you are ready to surrender.

Before you can discover what will work for you, you must first cease with what doesn't.

 

[BuddhistLover]

And this is what I've been telling everyone, the only thing some people care about is what other people think about you, you adore what other people think of you. And that's what your life is built on. But yo, most people are trash, and you just got to build your life around "Work", and let go of them. My brother works 60 hour weeks, and he's ten times happier than clout chasers. Cut the status, clout chasing, and focus on work. 

Edited May 14, 2022 by BuddhistLover

[Loba]

I don't know what to tell you, I wish I had an answer.  I have a picture and a song, hopefully they help.  I think there are wonderful things in life, and you just have to be aware of them!  Try to focus more on the good things in life, anywhere you can find it.

Life is a blessing, see if you can find this everywhere around you and follow it and don't let it go.
Be brave, as brave as you can.  This can be hard in a world that is shaped in such a way, and people can get lost in all of it, but remember the Truth.
I can't even describe it for you, but when you See it you Know, God has your back, you are not alone, there is a plan.

I know what it's like, nothing works for me, either. I hoped that God would stick around in more than just my high states, but my low ones as well.
But as each day passes, I find that there is indeed more beauty in this life than we would believe - when I journal or write, I go deep within and look for patterns, and with that comes a being able to See and Feel my essence, out of the physical body, and into the all-ness of it all.  

I think.. perhaps for both of us, the key is presence and bliss, and with that comes a lot of... sigh... meditation.

Presence brings so much to the table, that is literally power.  I wish people understood this more.  You don't need to worry about what other people think because you are gifted with the same power of presence.  

With it, comes freedom from worrying about what other people think, I have seen your posts before, you seem like a really nice person - if someone bullies you they are either mean or crazy, one of two things - both which don't align with presence anyways.  They would never be able to See you.  You know?  Judgement is falsehood... hard to remember that sometimes, I will try harder to...same for you, you worry about their falsehoods, and then create an identity from the lies people think or feel.

Try presence and search for joy within yourself, align to that joy and follow it, and you then have your hook.

"Don't think about all those things you fear, just be glad to be here."
Feed the good wolf, feed your soul!
We all deserve to feel comfortable with ourselves no matter what.

Edited May 14, 2022 by Loba

[yetineti]

That’s awesome! Keep doing nothing, if it works.

[Gabith]

@Loba Thank you 

[Reciprocality]

Many people here ponders extensively on how to make 'nothing' work for them, so consider yourself ahead of the curve.