Depression, floating tank, revelations

[bythos]

"Major depression", "elements of SPD". This was the evaluation I got in my early twenties. It was quite accurate. I had this darkness in my life from early childhood. I started recovering slowly during my mid twenties.

When I was a kid i thought that everyone is more or less like me. Later in life I started noticing the differences. First I realized the "schizoid elements". This was for me more like a social phobia that evolved to the point of me not wanting almost any kind of social contact. I only had 1 or 2 weird friends during childhood. In retrospect, this was my defense, the only viable one I had.  Later on I realized my depression. I could see that depression made me an introvert, and introversion made me depressed. An ongoing vicious cycle. The last thing I realized about my situation was the most insidious one. Abysmal self esteem. Each one of these three demons was empowering the other two. Looking inside me for the root cause of all this, I got absolutely nothing.

Therapy worked, antidepressants not so much. Meditation helped me in two ways. Silencing the mind eventually turned down the volume of its commentary. And it would commend such nice things to me like "You're thinking of saying hello to this person? Who do you think you are you worthless piece of shit, nobody likes you". The other thing it did, it stopped me from feeling panicky things like "This can't be happening to me, I'm gonna pretend it's not true". I started accepting the facts. And this is the only place from where you can see true solutions. Meditation could have done a lot more for me but my practice was very erratic. I would do 20 hours in a week and then nothing for a month or two.

A few years ago I found this place with floating tanks that had just opened in the city i used to live. After the 3rd one-hour session, I returned to my old flat, the place I grew up in, kicked my shoes off, had no other plans for the day, mind went blank. And this memory comes to me that took place in the same house, at the very same spot I was sitting. I was a kid about 7 or 8 years old. Mommy comes in, shouting her usual line that she used to shout at me, while expressing disdain and contempt. I had this memory before, but now for the fist time it was like the memory track kept playing and I also remembered the feelings these incidents gave to me. It was the exact same darkness I would experience during the worst period of my life. I could also remember now, how and why I had buried these feelings, because I felt that i was totally dependent on my parents, and that I really had no other choice but to "suck it up". After that it was like I had unlocked a door to a whole room full of forgotten memories, all of them telling me that i was experiencing my mother's rejection from the earliest childhood up until the age of 13 or 14. The fact that this was her behavior only towards me and not my other siblings, made things so much worse. Among many other things, I also remembered her in my early twenties trying to apologize to me in two different occasions saying something like "I was not appreciative enough of you", "I did not understand you". And I would answer to her "What are you talking about, I remember no such thing", because I really did not. Later on she would even cry a few times while telling me how she wished she had done many things differently.

So I got my root cause, when I had already stopped searching for it. The question I'm debating now, is whether I should tell her about this. Should I confront her? I really don't want to, because I know she is in a dark place herself now, and I fear this would crush her, even if i tell her that I have forgiven her.

[puporing]

Firstly, floatation tanks are great tools for meditation and this sort of thing . 

7 hours ago, bythos said:

I could also remember now, how and why I had buried these feelings, because I felt that i was totally dependent on my parents, and that I really had no other choice but to "suck it up".

Yes.. and you were. You were a captive at the mercy of your caregivers for the most part. Basic survival had to trump whatever feelings you had at the time. 

7 hours ago, bythos said:

Among many other things, I also remembered her in my early twenties trying to apologize to me in two different occasions saying something like "I was not appreciative enough of you", "I did not understand you". And I would answer to her "What are you talking about, I remember no such thing", because I really did not. Later on she would even cry a few times while telling me how she wished she had done many things differently.

This is good, it shows that she had grown since you were younger. But you still have wounds to heal.

7 hours ago, bythos said:

So I got my root cause, when I had already stopped searching for it. The question I'm debating now, is whether I should tell her about this. Should I confront her? I really don't want to, because I know she is in a dark place herself now, and I fear this would crush her, even if i tell her that I have forgiven her.

Was confronting her the first thing that came to mind? If being honest is what you need to live a good life then that's what's right for you. Sometimes we may not need to fully confront someone, but enough to fully acknowledge to ourselves what happened to us. All depends on your situation. Perhaps you need to create some boundaries and the only way to do so is to be more honest about this with her and that you need the space to heal.

[bythos]

On 5/13/2022 at 5:27 AM, puporing said:

Was confronting her the first thing that came to mind? If being honest is what you need to live a good life then that's what's right for you. Sometimes we may not need to fully confront someone, but enough to fully acknowledge to ourselves what happened to us. All depends on your situation. Perhaps you need to create some boundaries and the only way to do so is to be more honest about this with her and that you need the space to heal.

Thank you for your response. Confronting her was not the first thing that came to mind. I'm leaning towards not telling her. I've asked two friends about this and they both said the same thing. "How would you feel if your mother passes on and you still carry that burden?". I value their opinion on this, one of them is a therapist even. But I don't think I care about that.

The pros in my mind are these: "It would be unfair for her to not know. It is truth and it involves her directly. She might grow from this knowledge." The cons are that I'm not so sure she can handle it in her current state. She has to be a nurse for my father 24/7. He had a car accident that caused brain damage and he can barely communicate from now on. She can't even leave the house without making arrangements and planning things ahead. My sis that was living next door to her, left because her husband found a good job abroad. So my mom now keeps complaining that she has no one to talk to, that she feels alone and abandoned, that her life is over. She is clearly getting depressed.

[puporing]

@bythos I get what you're going through. I've been where you are at where my mom was always emotionally down-trodden as well. But eventually, I realized I can't be her crutch anymore and she needs to grow up and learn to handle herself. If she can't be a mother for me at least she could be a grown-up for herself and not make me into her "mom".  It was one of those tough love moments.

I've had to let my mother know because I needed way more space and less interference with my life than she was giving me, as well I was really in the middle of grieving my childhood. So I did let her know about my thoughts on some things in my childhood (not everything coz she is defensive and not receptive about it). It kind of went over her head mostly, especially her contribution to things. But I think deep down she knows and has since given me lots of space. I guess just don't expect a good reaction or acknowledgment of what you went through. And you may have to deal with additional abandonment (just be prepared). 

Daniel Mackler talks alot about this check out his youtube channel, it might help. It's one perspective.

 

[Grateful Dead]

I also think there's no need to tell her, especially if you don't want to do it now. Maybe one day you will feel that now is the right moment and then you will tell her.

Thanks for sharing and great work with the floating tank! It seems like meditation is effective for you, do you still practice it?

[bythos]

@puporing

Thanks again. You've been really helpful. I don't have interference issues from her because I live far away. But when she gets a chance, she is so subtle and insidious at it...

Edited May 15, 2022 by bythos
accidental quote

[bythos]

15 hours ago, acidgoofy said:

Thanks for sharing and great work with the floating tank! It seems like meditation is effective for you, do you still practice it?

Yes, but I'm still not as consistent as I'd like to be. Sometimes I'll drive 20 km to the forest, find a good spot, sit down and lean my back to a big oak or fir, and stay at it for hours on end. From early in the morning till the afternoon. It's not as effective for me when I'm at home. All kinds of distractions...

[Breakingthewall]

I really liked your post. you are a transparent and honest person, straight to the point. I am sure that you will come out of your maze and you will be totally free. When in doubt, I would always choose the truth option. it is better to repent for excess than for lack. when you express yourself you free yourself, more than you imagine before doing it. do it without anger, with honesty, and it will be better for you than not doing it

[bythos]

@Breakingthewall Wow. Thank you.

On 5/16/2022 at 2:23 AM, Breakingthewall said:

When in doubt, I would always choose the truth option. it is better to repent for excess than for lack. when you express yourself you free yourself, more than you imagine before doing it. do it without anger, with honesty, and it will be better for you than not doing it

If she ever asks about it (she has, in the past) I'll tell her the whole truth. Otherwise I'll wait until I feel that she can take it. I didn't describe the damage done to me, but it was really extensive. For a couple of years I was unable to work to sustain myself and I could barely even hang out with friends or family. It was hard for me to even leave my room. There is some habitual behavior that is still with me today. She was there to witness it all. It is a huge deal for her.

[Breakingthewall]

On 17/5/2022 at 10:30 AM, bythos said:

@Breakingthewall Wow. Thank you.

If she ever asks about it (she has, in the past) I'll tell her the whole truth. Otherwise I'll wait until I feel that she can take it. I didn't describe the damage done to me, but it was really extensive. For a couple of years I was unable to work to sustain myself and I could barely even hang out with friends or family. It was hard for me to even leave my room. There is some habitual behavior that is still with me today. She was there to witness it all. It is a huge deal for her.

It is very possible that she does not understand you, you cause her pain, she has a rejection reaction, and that kind of thing but: she is your mother, she is the person who is supposed to help you get ahead in life, So I would think of myself. you have to free yourself from all kinds of emotional lock as soon as possible. you have to free yourself completely from any ballast. if you harm her well-being for a while, or permanently, I'm sorry. There is a possibility that she will understand you, redeem herself and that what remains of her life will have a true bond with his son. the possible gain far outweighs the possible loss, and your duty is to move forward, or so I see it. I would make her listen to my whole story, all my pain. and we'll see what happens

Edited May 21, 2022 by Breakingthewall