I'm stuck in materialism and I'm scared I'll never get out

[JDaniel Richer]

I'm 23. I currently work in software Sales and occasionally do a dj gig. I have 1,300 in credit card debt. No other debt. So I'll be able to pay it off in a month or less. I got here by being deeply unaware and insecure. I always felt separate from others and never really sought help for it, just coped with it by isolating myself in my room (which has extremely hindered my spiritual development) and not really hanging out with anyone ever and just entertaining myself. And so I've never really grown in any meaningful way. Social isolation breeds materialism. I never really wanted to do sales or work in marketing, which is what I did previously. I did it and I did it at a young age because I knew college would put me into debt and that scared me because I had no idea what I wanted. And I was so insecure about my jobs that I made them my whole life because I was paranoid of being fired and it got extremely unhealthy. It was also a way for avoiding my feelings or dealing with people face to face as all my jobs have been remote and very isolating and lonely. I don't know what makes me come alive. I don't know what makes me happy. I don't know how to escape this. I feel so trapped and completely fucked. I live with my parents. I have no car. I have a few childhood and past local school friends but they're busy with their own friends and situations after I ditched them for 3 years chasing money and being overall silly. There's nothing remotely cool or social local. I feel like I'm playing a losing game if I have to pay to talk to people and interact with them yet I did it for a while because I was that desperate. I can firmly say I have never lived outside of my own fear. I've never lived. I'm afraid to even interact with people because I'll come off as materialistic or like I have nothing going for me because we'll I really don't. Everything in my life is fake or a lie. I don't know who I am. I don't know what I want. I don't know what the fuck to do with my life. I want to do whatever produces the least amount of suffering for myself. I want to deeply authentic connect with someone. My head is constantly unconscious and buzzing. I am pretty much never present. I am deeply deeply worried about my future fate. Especially the thought of me becoming homeless or someone going through life with a lot of unmet needs. I am so ashamed of myself, my existence, and how I even arrived at this point. I wish I could time travel back to 13 year old me and get his ass to wake the fuck up to all the fucked up things that were going on with me. But that's not how reality works. Insecurity breeds materialism which is inherently isolating and people don't like these kind of people which makes it a whole cycle. I've wasted an embarrassing amount of money on stuff that I didn't even truly want. On people I didn't really care about. My health is meh. My self care is virtually non existent. My self neglect is obvious. I lack self love yada yada. I'm just fucking tired. I'm so overwhelmed and it feels like my brain is fried. I don't know what to do. I just know I need to get the fuck out at all costs. Why can't a southern black church going family adopt me lol. Why am I making money for no reason other than to make money? I genuinely don't know what I even like. Which makes me avoid people even more because they have happy balanced lives and I don't. I guess you need to talk to people face to face to figure that out or something? Idfk. I'd love any words of advice. I can't go on living this fake life. I've heard that gratitude, meditation, and limiting exposure to buying stuff or ads, being motivated by something higher than yourself, etc, is very helpful. But is there anything else? How can I salvage my life? I plan on staying with the sales job for no less than 6 months so I can save up enough to quit. I don't know anyone deeply nearby and my opportunities for interacting with them are limited. My dad can drive me around but I'm sick of my parents involvement in my life tbh. I want to get away from them but I need to build the psychological defenses to do that because I left before and it was a ton of suffering. I want a well balanced, spiritually healthy, mentally healthy, physically healty, financially ok, deeply fulfilling, satisfied life.  The path that I am on is the wrong path. I've been mindless and unaware and now I'm scared that I won't live a good life. And I'm so unhealthy. I have nothing going for me outside of work and money. I plan on learning how to cook but I genuinely don't do much because I feel so exhausted from this soul debt. I don't like spending money on myself because it just reminds me of the trap I'm in. I don't feel in control of my life. I don't feel empowered. L

Edited May 11, 2022 by JDaniel Richer

[Realms of Wonder]

Hey Brother,

 

Thank you for being so vulnerable, it shows strength.

 

I've been where you are in my own way. At 19 I was in college, and going through very similar things. I was smoking weed to escape, eating shit food to escape, hated myself, didn't understand what I wanted, I thought life was hopeless and that there was no point to keep on going. I knew I was on the wrong path (going to college) but didn't have an alternative. I was so unaware that I did not understand any concepts/principles such as, Self-Love, Self-Understanding, Life-Purpose, Mastery, and so on. basically. I was Fucked, and I believed that state was permanent.

 

You at least recognize at this time that you are where you are, and that you dont want to stay there forever. That's huge. My dad likes to say "its just as valuable to know what you dont want, as it is to know what you want." you're figuring it out.

 

Also, you are 23, dont be so hard on yourself, most early 20's individuals have NO CLUE. what they want in life, or how to live an extraordinary life. being hard on yourself wont help. Accept that you are where you are, its the only way to start moving in another direction.(For example, imagine where you are now in life is an actual place like on a map, you want to get from where you are to... Los Angeles California lets say. if you dont accept that you are in the rocky mountains, and start your journey from there, you'll never be able to find your way to LA.)

 

Here is my advice, just my perspective so take it with a grain of healthy skepticism.

1. If you have the means, take a solo retreat. 6-10 days alone, no electronics, the healthiest food you can stomach. it will be one of the hardest things you've ever done, but the amount of growth, self understanding and consciousness you will gain will be Radical, and life changing. this time, if taken, will radically change the trajectory of your life, you will change, your mind will change. disconnecting from distractions (phone, YouTube, tv, movies, eating junk food, and so on) will allow you to go within yourself and face yourself, face your inner demons, but also be with your inner "light" your authentic self. 

This is a more advance version of the same thing. https://actualized.org/articles/leos-solo-meditation-retreat but for you, bring along a notepad and pen, sit and think, do as close to nothing as possible, get bored. watch  what happens after the first 2-3 days. its miraculous.

 

2. Watching this video will give you an idea of how to get started with this path. https://actualized.org/articles/how-to-get-started-with-self-actualization Its not easy, but it is SO worth it.  

 

3. Break toxic habits, and implement positive ones, ONE AT A TIME. dont fall into the trap of trying to change TOO much TOO fast. It doesn't work in the long run. SLOW and SUSTAINABLE. 

 

- An example of this would be to clean up your diet as much as you can stomach, that you know you can sustainably keep up, and add in a meditation habit, 5 minutes a day to start, and work your way up. 

 

Strength to you on your journey, the path ahead is filled with your fears, doubts, limiting beliefs, and suffering. BUT. You are strong enough to overcome, and that path will also bring the greatest joys, the greats Love, and more than you can possibly imagine. 

 

Love. 

 

 

 

Edited May 11, 2022 by Realms of Wonder

[Husseinisdoingfine]

By reading this post, I feel as if you lack a sense of purpose and direction, thus you're drifting  aimlessly and collecting money just or the sake of getting money.

https://actualized.org/life-purpose-course

The issue is clearly not that you're not being spiritual enough, it's that you haven't gotten more basic things in your life fixed yet. 

[JonasVE12]

You're creating all that chaos in your own mind. You're looping because you are stuck inside a certain emotional vibration. There's emotional blockages you have that cause you to be this contracted in your mind, and your reality reflects this. In your mind, your problems seem so huge. As if there will never come an end to it. Sometimes people are in these kinds of spins for years or even decades. I had a lot of such spins as well. They are actually very simple to resolve if you gain more awareness.

I know the word 'simple' will sounds very heavy to you, because how could life ever be simple, right? It's just an inherent characteristic of being stuck in a spin. You feel like you are broken so essentially everything is an escape from that broken feeling, and that never works. 

You need to learn to transmute your lower emotions of shame, fear, apathy and grief. And if you have no clue how to do that after exploring how to do it, then you need to seek out some embodiment teachers that you can work with very closely. If you've been spinning around in such thoughts and feelings for a long time, then you should really work with someone and put yourself inside a container that will force you to gain new perspective. Sometimes you need to trust that when you put yourself in a certain new experience, it will help you to feel lighter and gain perspective, and as a result, change your life. 

Emotional embodiment is about learning to feel your emotions, and transmute emotions so you can shift your reality from within, through feeling.

It's about embodying your higher emotions that you already have access to, but just need to find a way to connect to through breaking down your internal barriers and protective mechanisms. Those higher emotions you learn to feel and live are courage, love, acceptance and peace.

Emotional embodiment is also about learning to feel your lower emotions, your stories and beliefs about yourself and your relationship to the world. And learning to transmute them all the way up the scale so you let them go. Emotional embodiment is really about learning to transmute energy. Transmutation is about shifting internal processes. You literally shift all that energy that goes towards being in this spin of overthinking, to feeling the courage to create your life with ease, to confront your fears of people and the shames you have. Change happens automatically when you start to feel different from within. So find a way to connect to feelings. It takes time to learn to do that. 

Your inability to connect with other people is probably also a big factor for why you are in a spin. I would place that on the top of your list for things to release on. If you could show up to other people from a place of self-love and power, then you will already gain a lot of presence in your life, because you learn to enjoy to connect with people in a way that is effortless and light. Without any thinking. So that ability will already let you feel lighter. Then that ability can transfer to more expansion in terms of job opportunities because you just feel more powerful and free. And that comes with lots of enjoyment. 

Ultimately it comes down to having a desire to change that's stronger than your attachment to how you are right now. 

[BuddhistLover]

@Realms of Wonder you dropped out of college to pursue music?

[Leo Gura]

The good news is that you're super young and you got time to turn all that around.

Be careful not to overwhelm yourself with this task of developing your life. You need to pick one or two things to focus in for now and take baby steps on them. You will build up a lot momentum over the years as you take action towards your ideal life. Think of this as a 5-10 year project and pace it out.

[Realms of Wonder]

2 hours ago, BuddhistLover said:

@Realms of Wonder you dropped out of college to pursue music?

When I dropped out of college it was without a plan or an alternative. I just knew continuing to go along with the herd at college  was was inauthentic. 
 

in retrospect, 5 years later, it was for Music, Life Purpose, Self Love, and the beginning of a Hero’s Journey. 

[BuddhistLover]

my two things I'm focusing on are accounting and music. The only reason why they aren't original is so everybody can feel them. Everyone listens to music, and everyone deals with they're money. So it's really all an act of infinity. 

Edited May 12, 2022 by BuddhistLover

[Seeker_of_truth]

 

On 5/11/2022 at 7:47 PM, JDaniel Richer said:

I've heard that gratitude, meditation, and limiting exposure to buying stuff or ads, being motivated by something higher than yourself, etc, is very helpful

Without meditation I'd probably go insane. It is indeed very helpful. It may not change your life, but it will change how you see your life. I highly recommend to try it for at least a month. Ideally you should experiment with various techniques to figure out what works for you. For me do nothing meditation works the best when it comes to calming my mind / be more accepting, etc. I've had various circumstances where I've felt pressured, trapped, anxious, etc. and after 10 minutes of doing nothing, I would realize that I have been worried over nothing and go back with a fresh mind. It may not be 10 minutes for you when you start but once you get the hang of it, once it becomes like riding a bicycle, it'll be.