I'm Preety /Babloo

[Preety_India]

My first boyfriend continued.... 

It was February 21. My birthday. People in my classroom wished me. Then SHT slowly came up behind me, and slyly opened my laptop backpack. (it was compulsory for all students to carry a laptop to the classroom every single day of all semesters). He slyly opened my backpack and slid something under the laptop in my bag. 

Then it pulled back the chain of the bag and left hurriedly. 

I came home after class and opened my bag and saw that a card was under the laptop. I opened the card. It was a birthday card. Just a standard normal regular birthday card. Formal words printed by the card company 

Usually when I send a birthday card, I write my own words on the space on the inside of the card. This space is specifically provided for this purpose. There are formal words on one side which come with the card. There are personal words scribbled by the sender on the other side. When you give it to a loved one you make sure that you write something. 

He didn't write anything. That space was empty. I stared into space. And then I threw the card away in anger. Nobody does this. Everyone writes. How could he not. I didn't expect a gift but at least a few words would have made me happier. Nevermind 

 

Then days went by. He wouldn't call much. He would call only when he had something sexual to say. Otherwise nothing. 

I was growing impatient and weary. Deprived of affection. Is affection only sexual? What kind of love is this. I didn't like it. We would never really talk except when it was him wanting to talk about sex. 

Months were going by. And I was getting frustrated with the lack of affection. We weren't even going out anywhere. This didn't feel right. 

 

Edited May 11, 2022 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

My first boyfriend continued.... 

Then it was March last week. One day he was on his bike waiting to go home and I stopped him.  I stood there just staring at him in anger. I was throwing a fit. I was in my college uniform. We were supposed to wear a formal uniform on days of presentation in college. That day was my presentation day. Presentation days are when we stand on the stage in the classroom and with a laptop and projector, talk about a particular topic and present new ideas to our fellow students. These are powerpoint presentations and they are hour long and very tiring. 

I was too tired after my college presentation that day. I wanted to enjoy at the beach. So I demanded that SHT take me to the beach. I was throwing a fit. He said he had other things to do. I said 'no' and I stood firm.. I told him he had to take me or I would be very pissed. I wasn't taking a no. He had been evading me for weeks. I had been deprived. I wanted some time with him, some affection, some fun. 

He shrugged and kept explaining me that he really can't. And then he saw a group of teachers coming and he sped away narrowly escaping riding over my feet. I was furious. I didn't feel respected in this relationship. I felt used. There was no affection. 

I didn't talk to him for a week. I was very angry and mad at him for not spending time with me.. 

 

Edited May 11, 2022 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

My first boyfriend continued.... 

Now it was April. Precisely April 11. It was his birthday. I was expecting that at least this day we would hang out, watch movies and have dinner together. SHT was in the classroom. The entire class was cheering for him. He was the Elvis Presley of the class. Everyone liked him. He was like a magnet. Every girl was attracted to him. I have to admit I was a bit jealous by such attention. I was his girlfriend. I wanted him to myself. Both guys and girls would be around him all the time. He attracted people like bees to nectar. Sometimes I was proud of him. Proud of his friendly behavior with people. 

But he was spending too much time with people and less time with me. He was very funny around them and very mysterious around me. It's almost like he was leading a double life. A public life and a private life. Not many people knew about his private life other than me. 

He already had 5000 friends on Facebook. He would make friends wherever he went. 

His life was all about friends. I was getting tired of this circus. 

Everyday was only him and friends. It's like I never existed. An entire month would go by without him calling me. He would call me only to enquire if I was home alone or not. 

That day people were cheering so loud. People were loudly saying "happy birthday SHT." 

I came home. 

 

Edited May 11, 2022 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

My first boyfriend continued.... 

 

I was tired in the afternoon. I slept off. I woke up in the evening. I checked my phone. I had sent him an early morning text wishing him a happy birthday to which he hadn't replied. I sat there waiting that maybe he will reply when he gets home. I was wondering if he would take me out for dinner and I will order a cake and we will have a private little birthday celebration. 

3 hours went by. No call. No text. I was thinking what went wrong. I sent a few texts. No reply. 

I was growing anxious. I was waiting to celebrate his birthday and go out on dinner with him. At least this was the best occasion to spend time together. 

It was 9. 30 pm now. Too late to even go out to dinner. What the hell was he doing. 

I decided to call him. I called and he didn't pick. He instead texted me that he was busy with his friends at Hotel ChIllis and the entire classroom was there along with the teachers celebrating his birthday. I was flabbergasted. Devastated. What I'm reading? He invited the entire classroom but did not invite me? He invited everyone except his own girlfriend. And no private celebration? 

I was not mad but extremely depressed when I saw the text. It was unbelievable. He never told his friends that I was his girlfriend. He always hiding our relationship from everyone. He wanted our relationship to be a secret. That's why he intentionally didn't invite me. This was very heartbreaking. Why would he do this? Did he want to see other women while having me as his sex kitty on the side. 

I felt terrible. I burst out in tears. I began crying and it wouldn't stop. I just couldn't stomach this anymore. I was feeling used. I was feeling exploited. He was playing a game with me. He wanted me only for sex. He wanted other women too. He was young. I was young. He didn't want to lose his chances. But he could just have told me and I would have left him for a committed man. Why would he hide his intentions from me. For sex? It felt awful. I was heartbroken. 

I spent the whole night crying. And I logged into a random chat group and started typing my love story. Then some guy responded to me and after reading my entire story told me "he is not into you. He is just using you. You have fallen in love with him. But he doesn't care about you. He only wants sex." this crushed me. I cried the whole morning and the whole week after that. 

I was emotionally devastated. This was my first love. My first ever sexual romantic relationship.  This was my first boyfriend. He didn't love me. That's why he was hiding the relationship from everyone. He didn't want people to know that he had a girlfriend. 

I felt embarrassed and upset and depressed. My heart was crushed. I was no longer myself. 

 

Edited May 13, 2022 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

My first boyfriend continued.... 

 

It was May. 

We had a few arguments about him not spending time with me and spending too much time with other women. 

Now it was June. 

I had felt disrespected in this relationship for some time. I decided to take revenge. I wanted to hurt him. I wanted to give him a taste of his own medicine.  I was an emotional woman. Playing with me was like playing with fire. He couldn't get away with this. To manipulate a woman, to win her heart only to break it, all for your selfish sexual needs. I wasn't having this anymore. 

 

The next day in the evening I called him and told I'm done with him. He was shocked.. I told him to forget me and never call me again. He was a bit jittery and nervous on the phone. I hung up. 

I hurt him. And it was for a good reason. He hurt me too. 

I had every right to break such a pathetic toxic loveless relationship. And being blamed for asking for basic affection. 

I moved on. 

The next week I saw him with another girl.. I was wondering how long he had been doing this with women. 

The next whole semester I would see him around different women, it was very unpleasant to watch. 

I would see him in empty college hallways and sometimes in the classrooms or cafeterias. He would look sullen and upset. He would look at me and I would look away. 

One day he sat where I was sitting and having coffee. And I got up and left. 

I wanted to forget SHT. 

This shaped in my mind an opinion on men. A toxic opinion. I started seeing men in a different light. I began to feel that men wanted women only for sex. Men were Incapable of love, emotion, affection, loyalty, compassion and companionship. 

I wanted a full man, a wholesome man, a man with a heart, not just a body with a dick on it. 

And so I stopped thinking about men at least for some time. 

Until...... 

 

Edited May 13, 2022 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

My SECOND BOYFRIEND 

 

The chapter of SHT was over. 

Mr SHT, a piece of shit was gone from my life forever. 

I permanently closed this chapter. 

New chapter begins. 

The Chapter of Mr Bud. 

I will call him Bud. Because that's how his name begins. He was an Indian guy. 

After finishing my college. I began searching for a job. I joined a small investment firm. It was not a good experience. In fact it was a horror show. That firm was a scam as I would find out later. 

I quit that job and joined a accounting company. This was a marketing company as well. 

The pay was minimum, bare minimum. I thought I'll just get some quick experience and jump for a higher better paying job. 

I started my first month at this workplace. And here comes Mr Bud. He was assigned by my manager to train new members or employees. Since I was a new employee, his job was to train me and explain me how to operate their systems and the overall protocol. 

It was easy. And it took only a few months to master the whole technical process. 

Within months of joining my performance was better than all the men in the team. This was an all male team. I was the only female in the team (prejudice). I was regular on the job, a hard worker. My days were fine. 

I had forgotten all the pain and misery of Mr SHT. 

So this guy Bud was always hovering around me like a butterfly. He would constantly draw my attention to him.. 

He was extremely helpful. 

At first I didn't notice this guy. He was shorter than me. Slightly shorter. He was thin and kinda wimpy. 

He looked ugly. He was nothing like my first handsome boyfriend. If my first boyfriend was a 9 out of 10 then this guy was a 4. 

I would have never fallen for this guy. Because I usually was attracted to good looking men. I didn't pay much attention to the ones that didn't look good. They escaped my view. 

This was not an internal bias. It just that a lot of the not-so-good-looking men also lacked in other qualities. So they would compensate for the lack with excessive criticism of women to take the attention off themselves. 

 

Edited May 13, 2022 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

 

My SECOND BOYFRIEND

 

One day I was talking about umbrellas. And I wanted a specific type of umbrella that opens and closes automatically. I was discussing this with the colleagues because they wanted to get one as well. Suddenly Bud stepped in and offered to get one for me. I politely declined. He kept insisting for a really long time 

So I finally said ok. I told him that I pay him for the umbrella. He said fine. A week later, I was sitting in the office cabin and typing something on the office computer. Bud came in and started showing everyone in the office the stuff he got when he was on vacation. And he pulled out an umbrella and came to me and kept it next to my computer. I was just startled. I immediately asked how much I needed to pay him for it 

Normally it would cost something like $10 for that one. He said it was ok, he didn't want the money. I felt a bit embarrassed and I removed the money from my wallet and I handed him the bucks. He just wouldn't accept it. I was frustrated and I sat back in my place. I asked him why he wasn't accepting the money. He said that his mom always told him to never accept money from strangers that you're trying to help. 

I was like ok... Never heard of it before. Maybe it's a cultural thing. Now India is made of so many different cultures that differ from state to state, so I thought maybe in his culture this is how it goes. 

I said ok and forgot the whole thing. But I remembered him helping me. I still have his umbrella to this day and it's a red colored umbrella. It sits in the corner and I never use it. I used it when I was in the relationship with him. But after I broke up with him, I never used it because I didn't want to be reminded of him. 

 

Edited May 15, 2022 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

 

My SECOND BOYFRIEND

I saw that men who weren't good looking also lacked confidence. And a lack of confidence in a man was a huge turn off for me.. 

A man that looked confident also looked more manly to me. 

So Bud was a little guy who was almost like a jester. Always around me, playing pranks on me while I would be seriously immersed in work. I had a terrific work ethic. I would never miss a day. Always on time. Finishing all my work on time. 

would never talk much to anyone. All the males in the team were infatuated with me. I could sense it.  They would try to flirt with me but I would pay no attention at all. A part of the reason was that I had come to negatively perceive men after the experience with SHT. It had traumatized me. I viewed men as perverted sex machines who only wanted a woman for something, That thing. And I thought men weren't capable of giving, only capable of taking. ) For now I had a very low opinion of men. 

That's why I never responded to any of the flirting. 

Bud started to up his game with me. He would flirt every day. His attention was non stop. Frankly I was enjoying it. I started to see him as a good guy. He was very helpful to everyone. 

Bud was the kind of guy who could take the shirt of his back and give it to others. He was extremely helpful. He wasn't kind but he was very helpful. He was very annoying, like an annoying joker character. He looked like a joker and walked like a joker. He would make people laugh, go the extra mile to please people. 

He was constantly trying to please me. I could easily see it. Soon word started circulating in the office that there is something going on between him and me. Anyway I didn't pay attention to that. 

 

Edited May 15, 2022 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

 

My SECOND BOYFRIEND

 

So Mr Bud gave me an umbrella for free that still sits in my room. 

 

Gradually I started getting attracted to Mr Bud. He was funny, extremely funny, made me laugh. He wouldn't stop gawking at me. And I would laugh looking at him. Much of the time we would share some silly banter. He was a bit feminine. I would call him a beta guy. He behaved a lot like most beta guys 

 

He wasn't dominating. He wasn't aggressive. He didn't have male pride or ego. Just a humble guy. He was born in the month of April. Somehow I was always attracting these April men.. Even SHT was born in April 

 

Edited May 15, 2022 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

 

Something in me was attracting these April guys. Maybe an April fool's joke, who knows. Maybe Pisces love the stability and pragmatism of an Aries because Pisces is so dreamy dreamy. 

 

Some Aries are strong, robust. Depends on which quadrant they are born. If you have an Aries from the first or second week of April you have an aggressive bull Aries. These guys like SHT can be very domineering, make their own rules, bend to nothing and are calm but stiff. Stubbornness is a hallmark quality of both Aries and Taurus. 

 

But Bud was born in April but wasn't an Aries. He was born on April 25, he was a Taurus. Bud was very stubborn, one of the reasons that lead to our eventual falling out. 

 

I can't stand stubbornness in a man. When it comes to important things, a man can stand his ground, but when little things are involved, a man should let go his ego and pride and be a bit attentive to his gf. Guys who are too stubborn put me off. I don't see them as husband material. 

So Bud was the most stubborn man out of all the men I dated. 

 

I had been working for a few months at this new workplace. And Bud was constantly vying for my attention.

One day Bud changed his cabin and replaced another person there. This was a guy I used to never get along with. He was cringey. He used to mock me, harass me. Once he even stretched my arm and forcefully removed my bracelet and kept dangling it in the air. In any other country this would have been considered sexual harassment. I really had problems with this dude. He was obsessed with me. 

[Preety_India]

The context baby. 

 

[Preety_India]

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited May 16, 2022 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

But I would like rehash all of these together since they are all very scattered so I see pieces here and there 

I will bring them together under one banner here and call it the context of my life 

 

 

This all is going to be a bit long and exhausting. 

 

[Preety_India]

 

Self definition or Self description    

 

 

 

If I have to describe myself 

 

My main qualities or traits are 

 

 

 

I'm very loving 

 

 

 

Very empathetic and sensitive and emotional 

 

 

 

I'm true to myself... I speak my mind 

 

 

 

Purpose driven 

 

 

 

I'm extremely faithful 

 

 

These are my major strengths or qualities.

 

 

 

The above 5 sentences define my personality and character. At least this is my self observation.

 

 

The other qualities that are moderately in me are

 

Deep thinker 

 

Inquisitive 

 

Passionate 

 

I demand respect and dignity 

 

I believe in diligence 

 

Openness and Open mindedness

 

 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

 

I remember starting my first journal entry here. My first journal and not this one. It was called Zen digger. And it's content was really about dealing with toxic people and then it went to places and insights I never expected I'd have. 

But once again I'm faced with the same question.. And today there are better answers to older questions. 

I came through a long way and on the way I learned a lot. 

And that's what's important. 

When you overcome your situations and conditions, you become your greater self. And those who didn't have these conditions will never know what it means to become you and forever be deprived of the self you have become. 

 

When they are not grateful for what they have they are not going to be happy. But when you are grateful for what you have, you'll have happiness that they can never have. 

Because you're the chosen one. So when you are molded by those bad situations or conditions, you were placed for a reason, the universe chose you to make a point, you were chosen for persecution, you were chosen to overcome, because you were chosen to be purified through your wisdom, through your trials and hardships, you were chosen to become the greater self. You were chosen to make a point and bring glory to the universe. You are the chosen one. 

Because only through suffering comes greatness, only through pain comes intelligence, only through deprivation comes love. 

[Preety_India]

My perspective on love. 

Your idea of love is very dysfunctional and simplistic in a very illogical way. You are thinking of love as liking ice cream in a very literal sense as in when a person says "I love ice cream" but they are trying to imply that they have a preference for ice cream. Love is not a preference or a taste or a passing feeling. We do not define our relationships as lightly as a passing feeling. 

Now love is a state and a quality. Some people are more loving than others. Because they have that quality. 

Also the cultivation or expression of this quality depends a lot on how conscious the person is. People with a natural instinctive bend for the spiritual are generally more loving unless they are fake or hypocrites. 

Love takes different forms, it's like water that fits and takes up the shape of the container. Similarly love can be a romantic love, a love for a purpose or a cause, a love for God and the universe, a love for a child, a love for the self. 

Infinite love is like infinite capacity or infinite space. 

Now imagine you have the spring water flowing from the mountains and let's say this flow is a never ending stream. This is how infinite love will look like. It's abundant, eternal and never ending. 

It has no start or stop. 

It is flowing eternally. 

When you experience this love, all judgement comes to an end 

 

Please try to be more spiritual or grow spiritually. With your thinking, you will get blinded by a false society. 

In simple words I'll say love is the experience and being of the Divine Eternal and note that this experience and incarnation is not subjective. Anyone who experiences it will look at it the way it is to be looked at or felt or become. 

There are no versions to this divine eternal love. It's one and only one but reflected in so many actions and sentiments. 

Yet it's fundamental nature remains unchanged. 

 

So water remains water, as pure as it can be, it doesn't change even if different people are drinking the same water. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

 

This is my spiral dynamics chart or map

 

I'm a lot green, some orange, a lot yellow, little blue and some parts turquoise and coral.. I don't like red or blue that much or even purple. Those are very raw to me, like very rooted in certain things. Whereas I'm more yellow and dynamic and open to different paradigms. 

I am more coral than turquoise because turquoise doesn't fit me in the sense like certain things, because I need the strategic framework of Yellow and I also need the absoluteness of Coral integrated into it. 

[Preety_India]

 

J

 

[Preety_India]

My SECOND BOYFRIEND 

 

The chapter of SHT was over. 

Mr SHT, a piece of shit was gone from my life forever. 

I permanently closed this chapter. 

New chapter begins. 

The Chapter of Mr Bud. 

I will call him Bud. Because that's how his name begins. He was an Indian guy. 

After finishing my college. I began searching for a job. I joined a small investment firm. It was not a good experience. In fact it was a horror show. That firm was a scam as I would find out later. 

I quit that job and joined a accounting company. This was a marketing company as well. 

The pay was minimum, bare minimum. I thought I'll just get some quick experience and jump for a higher better paying job. 

I started my first month at this workplace. And here comes Mr Bud. He was assigned by my manager to train new members or employees. Since I was a new employee, his job was to train me and explain me how to operate their systems and the overall protocol. 

It was easy. And it took only a few months to master the whole technical process. 

Within months of joining my performance was better than all the men in the team. This was an all male team. I was the only female in the team (prejudice). I was regular on the job, a hard worker. My days were fine. 

I had forgotten all the pain and misery of Mr SHT. 

So this guy Bud was always hovering around me like a butterfly. He would constantly draw my attention to him.. 

He was extremely helpful. 

At first I didn't notice this guy. He was shorter than me. Slightly shorter. He was thin and kinda wimpy. 

He looked ugly. He was nothing like my first handsome boyfriend. If my first boyfriend was a 9 out of 10 then this guy was a 4. 

I would have never fallen for this guy. Because I usually was attracted to good looking men. I didn't pay much attention to the ones that didn't look good. They escaped my view. 

This was not an internal bias. It just that a lot of the not-so-good-looking men also lacked in other qualities. So they would compensate for the lack with excessive criticism of women to take the attention off themselves. 

 

[Preety_India]

 

My SECOND BOYFRIEND

 

One day I was talking about umbrellas. And I wanted a specific type of umbrella that opens and closes automatically. I was discussing this with the colleagues because they wanted to get one as well. Suddenly Bud stepped in and offered to get one for me. I politely declined. He kept insisting for a really long time 

So I finally said ok. I told him that I pay him for the umbrella. He said fine. A week later, I was sitting in the office cabin and typing something on the office computer. Bud came in and started showing everyone in the office the stuff he got when he was on vacation. And he pulled out an umbrella and came to me and kept it next to my computer. I was just startled. I immediately asked how much I needed to pay him for it 

Normally it would cost something like $10 for that one. He said it was ok, he didn't want the money. I felt a bit embarrassed and I removed the money from my wallet and I handed him the bucks. He just wouldn't accept it. I was frustrated and I sat back in my place. I asked him why he wasn't accepting the money. He said that his mom always told him to never accept money from strangers that you're trying to help. 

I was like ok... Never heard of it before. Maybe it's a cultural thing. Now India is made of so many different cultures that differ from state to state, so I thought maybe in his culture this is how it goes. 

I said ok and forgot the whole thing. But I remembered him helping me. I still have his umbrella to this day and it's a red colored umbrella. It sits in the corner and I never use it. I used it when I was in the relationship with him. But after I broke up with him, I never used it because I didn't want to be reminded of him.