Moving Forward

[ndm678]

Affection, Attention, and Sex.

I'm finding these are the 3 hardest wants/needs/desires to overcome/assimilate/sit with/produce on my own. I think I could disappear into the woods if I can fully and effectively push these buttons within myself.

 

[ndm678]

382 Days and a Brief Rant

I had a dream last night that brought me back to my relationship with JEP. It was about her geese, and how annoyed/irritated/pissed they would make me. And how I couldn't pull any ounce of Zen out my spiritual ass to accept the situation.

382 Days ago we chilled for the last time. Things had been getting weird for a few months before. I knew when I left that day, I wouldn't be back under those pretenses.

382 days, a handful of 'heroic' trips, and copious amounts of inner work, I return you, JEP to IT. The IT you rose from and came into my life. You were never really 'mine', so I return you to IT. May you find the life I wasn't able to offer.

I still hold some regrets about the circumstances that I left you under. I'm sorry you got absorbed into the 'ugly' of the world, and I couldn't do anything with that. 

In the end, you walled me out, so I disappeared into thin air. 

I'm going to omit the rant. I don't think it serves anyone or anything to air dirty laundry. 

[ndm678]

Living Differently

I've elected to pack up my traveling shit show and relocate to a more populated area. One of my friends, who does the same kinda work as I, left his stable employment for the fantastical notion of starting a business. I've been helping him with some of his projects. 

I'm gonna build a room in his basement. I don't require having an entire domicile to myself, not to mention I've been living in the boonies for the past couple years and could use some human company, and advance my 'hobbies' a bit more.

I felt like I'd completed the 'life's checklist' and it began to feel like I didn't have anything else to do but die up there. People go there to get away and be left alone, not to create social circles, people are wholly uninterested in that. Everyone in my age range is on meth. 

Here's to new beginnings!!

[ndm678]

Awwww man. I-ve tried to write this a few times. Life moves fast sometimes.

Homecoming

I crashed and burned on my last adventure. I was back to my old tricks of creating a community of like minded folks that wanted to live differently. I think this is now a dynamic I can put to pasture, because this, ultimately, doesn't work out. 

Ra

I got into the Ra Contact book. It's kinda blown my mind several times. I want to 'lean into' this a bit harder, but I also need to do my due diligence. Im intrigued by the 'tarot' end, at this moment. Since I'm an old school tarot person, I kinda feel this is a good means to heal others, Instead of a fortune telling kinda roll.

I lay the cards out, as prescribed. I can spend hours looming, feeling, intuating, sifting. But it 'feels' very 'basic layout'. I haven't come up with the 'personal flare' aspect. I kinda 'feel'this is more 'personal tale' kinda elements. Otherwise it's  fitting people onto templates, and feels 'not so' congruient..

Tripping

Oh man, this department has been profound as of late. I took a break once snow starting staying here. I was a hardcore 'let's sit at the campfire and trip' kinda guy. I had a string of 'heroic' journeys last summer/fall. I tripped with a former friend that would abuse my system of preparing. So I cut him out. I tripped with a girl that had a lot of 'baggage' and she took an unexpected and/or 'primative' disposition with her 'set'. I kinda feel like I stopped helping/healing people who decided to embark on this path. I did, however turn some folks onto microdosing, and that seemed to help their daily function. So that's a win, I guess......

My personal trips have been profound since re starting. And I'm on lowish/moderate doses. Maybe I don't need to dismantle my ego every time. I'm pretty good for seeing it for the 'chittering monkey' it is. The last trip I took, I opened myself to any 'entities' that wanted to communicate (Oh Ra, you really had my goose on that one).  Let's talk about that one at another time, I'm still trying to sort the pieces.

Homecoming pt 2

I returned back to my 'little space' after my failed experiment. I was kinda beaten down, and pulled some quick levers. I needed something.

I bought a house and chunk of land from my father: it was an inlaw cabin, my grandparents to be exact. We established an access road and land setting. Those were already done, so it was easy peasy.  Him and I share a garden, this will constitute 35-40% food source. Boom! I'm a homesteader again. And I don't have the 'opposite sex drama' weighing me down further. I can, finally, make some meaningful strides. My dad is 'older' (71) and doesn't have family close, besides me, now. 

Relationships

I lost my last, true friend on the latest 'community' experiment. Friendships seem cheap and 'fair weather' anyway. I lost a lot of 'connecting fiber' with folks over the past handful of years. Friendships are cheap.

Romantic?..... well..... it's been awhile..... my last romantic relationship ended about a year ago. I had a fling for a couple of months, which had potential. But I got ghosted.

My sex drive has begun to dwindle, as much as that's 'not okay', it's also 'okay'. 

I've come to accept my daughter as 'the woman of my life'. I don't get 'sexy' time, but I get to put all the other sweet stuff in a package for her. We roll around on an epic level. The only reason I played 'the game' was for sex. I can create any other aspect in my life with my own two hands. And since that 'urge' has now begun to fade, and there is a bright, new, exciting world on the other side.... I embrace it.

 

[ndm678]

Ropes Into The Sea

Those old nautical movies... Master and Commander, and the hundreds of similar themes 

The people hanging on to the ropes of the sails, ect., in a stom. The moment where the rope is lost. Right there... 

That feeling of never getting the rope back..... it's gone..... and here you are, watching it disappear.

You're in charge of seven ropes...... one by one, they've all slipped from your hands....and here you are..... watching seven ropes disappear into the abyss. 

That......

And that was your constructed existence. Despite your resistance to the situation(s), and best efforts........

Today, 5 years ago and 1 day ago I was a blissfuff creature, absorbed in my television shows, my video games, and paying the bills.

5 years ago today my wife left me. The 'paper' anniversary, if you dig those kinda references.

I've worked my way to the 'top' of my 20 year career, I maxed out. I worked my ass off over Covid and started a self employment gig, I did well.

I got out of debt, and genuinely saved my ass off.

I 'lost'  the last reminance of Catholic faith. I dabbled in some Eastern Philosophy, but it seemed 'fininte'

I've woken up across more faces than I can recall. Awwww man, that's a pretty dark force when it shows up.

I'm a 'world class' Dad. I dabbled around a bit to discover the 'woman of my life' is my daughter. 

I wake up most days, surprised I'm still breathing. I'm super thankful of my experiences, and deem them all to be worthwhile.

I grow my food, I have some chickens and rabbits that live out good lives. 

I'm in Heaven, I've been here all along. There wasn't anywhere to go anyway. I don't exist, I'm just part of the Universe, manifesting. And Being....and chipping wood.... and carrying water.

Thanks, @Leo Gura for your place in this.

[ndm678]

I Did (do) It My Way. No

Que Frank Sanatra 'my own way'..

Back to reality

For the past year I've been doing things 'my way'. Through those white knuckle and teeth clenching circumstances. I can say that I created my own, newfound, existence. With no personal cheerleaders, nor with the assistance or encouragement of friendships. I went out and grasped that 'brass ring' in my own style and flavor. Without the attachments to others or things.

In the end, it was only myself left at the table. Ex wives, ex girlfriends, acquaintances, and phony bologna friends. All scattered away for the promise of 'the better life'.

Much like my 'debt free celebration, it's only me sitting at the table.

But I AM God, who is alone anyway.......

Through clenching teeth. I ride this journey alone, whether I want to or not. Luckily for me, I'm into that nowadays.

I win!!! I win! I won.....

It was only me playing.... for what it's worth....

[ndm678]

I Did (do) It My Way. No (Part 2)

Que Dean Martin, 'Ain't that a kick in the head'

Back to Reality.

Alan Watts spoke to my soul early in my spiritual experience. To the tune of 'do you move the marble, or will it roll to the bottom of the bowl?' 'Do you run up the hill, or does the hill run you up it?'

'No! I move it, I run it. I make my reality!' Or do I?

It seems my empires of impermanence grow and fail, with little or much interaction. Some things are ment to be a certain way.

Hmmmm....... do we have free will? Or are we a marionette of our circumstances?

Yes.

We try, we wait, with starry eyes, and baited breath... And then things unfold, not like we perscribe. We get worked up, we sour, and we are left but a mere puddle, in the bathtub, sobbing, wanting, then accepting the 'what is'. Despite our reluctance.... And we move forward.

We are always where we are supposed to be. *Note my previous entry about 'Ropes'*. We were made to let that rope go, and do what comes next.

The Universe just LOVES what ever we do, and whatever we learn. And whanever we try, and when we fail, and when we seek truths..... And whatever we do to try to buck it, and/or accept it. What we know, what we feel, what we test, and what we hold as true....or how we unravel those thuths.

We rise , we fall, we rise again. 

We rise and return from the dirt.

Choose Love. Choose Light. 

[ndm678]

Mushrooms and Smoking.

10 days ago I had a trip where I intended to explore my vices and impulses. 3g under a beautiful starry sky (its been constant rain where I live most of the summer).

The mosquitos were horrible. There wasn't much opportunity to not be on high alert. I traded out my shorts and tank top for sweatpants and sweatshirt, it was sweat profusely or be sucked dry of blood.

The mosquitos are like my vices. They show up, play an annoying tune on your ear, make you squirm and wiggle around, then suck your life blood.

I stopped smoking cigarettes 3 days later. I stopped drinking 2 days after that.

I was reading about psychadelics, and how people are able to stop smoking/drinking using these. But there is 0 info (that I could find) that said anything more than 'helpful with therapy'. "How is it helpful? what get discussed?" I almost feel like society sells a 'planned helplessness' Into us, but we can discuss that another time.

7 days no cigarettes, 5 days no alcohol. Weed, caffeine, and junky food are in my cross hairs next, in no peticular order.I 'feel' those 2 were the really hard obstacles. And I was able to shed those will little more than mild discomfort and 'one really bad day'..

Good riddance to bad rubbish.

[ndm678]

Changing Paths

For a brief update, I'm somewhere near 3 weeks since stopping cigarettes. Alcohol consumtion is way down, but not totally gone, there is a social aspect with the two that's been interesting  to let go of.

Back to the subject at hand.

I feel I'm coming to the end of my 'occupation' path. Not all of them, but this one in peticular. It's not overly surprising, I've kinda met the 'end of the path' a handful of my 20ish years in doing it. I've tried many different avenues within the parameters of it, but seem to find myself on this precipice.

I lost the love/spark/passion a long time ago, but pushed forward for many reasons, mostly financial/family stability. Now I exist in a dynamic where; my family dynamic has evaporated, I have no debt, and I'm living a version of my life purpose. This aspect no longer fits into my life. I'm good at what I do, but I don't care anymore, and it's obvious, and it's shitty for the people I serve. A lot of my 'vices' have been a direct connection to this area of work. Too many years drowning that voice out that screams 'This isn't where you're supposed to be!!'

Over the next year I intend to wind this down, and begin my next path.

@Leo Gura, I look forward to seeing you again for my 3rd pass at your LP course.

[ndm678]

Addictions

I fell off the smoking wagon, it was on a long road trip. I was getting greedy about winding down other addictions and met my karma. I became addicted to not being addicted, and crusading against it.
Comfort/soothing, I need to compassionately explore this further. 

[ndm678]

A Season of Recluse

I don’t spend time with others except when I work, and they are paying for my services (not a prostitute). I feel an immense satisfaction being in my created space. Over five years I’ve been creating a social creature, now I am tired of that facade and feel no need to prop it up, at least for awhile. I can go play ‘social chimp’ anytime I please. It’s strange to not have that impulse. It’s strange to not be scared (or deeply bothered) by being alone, or better yet, secluded.

 

[ndm678]

Chipping Wood and Toting Water.

I turned the water off on my cabin for the winter. I didn't get the winter updates done and the clock ran out. Im bringing my water in via 5 gal buckets.  The same goes with heat. I planned fornthat one and have a nice pile of wood gor the winter. I dont chip much of it, but i do tote it around a bit.

these excersises make me appreciate running water and delivered heat, it's all just a tun of a dial away, normally. 

Ive been off social media sites and news sites. I dont have much of a clue whats going on outside of my bubble.

I'm still surprisingly getting a lot of wage work for this time of year.

I feel in a flow most days. It feels rather 'autopilot' most days

I think this is what I've been striving for. This scenario is, more or less, what I've been striving for, for a couple decades. A few of the details aren't quite right, but this is it.

I did it my way.

I'm gonna enjoy sitting at this peak a little longer, I don't know when I'll see this view again, if I will. 

[ndm678]

Cigarettes

I’m 11 days into a cigarette quit. I feel I missed a good opportunity in journaling more about my quit. I’ve drawn inspiration (filled excess time smoking created). I’ve quit before for money, health, family, pride, and probably a few i can’t remember. This time, I just feel done. I don’t know how to explain it. I’m not motivating or bullshitting myself. I just stopped.

Alcohol

Consuming alcohol makes me want to smoke. I had a night I became impulsive (yay! something new to be mindful of) where I overindulged and became sick. I’ve been discovering the past few months that my body is pretty ‘all set’ with drinking alcohol.
 

C

I finally asked the poor woman to be my SO. We’ve been hanging out for months. She lives hours away. I think I like the ‘alone’ spells when we’re not together. I feel like I can fully ‘handle my shit’ when we’re apart, and fully ‘be present’ when we’re together. We’ve already gone on some epic adventures and have seen some amazing things. 
 

Ralston - The Book of Not Knowing

🤯🤯. 
 

Matt Kahn

This guy is like a spiritual Care Bear. I listened to a couple of his videos and thought ‘Holy Shit! I already knew all this stuff when I was 4 years old’. Almost 40 years later, I’m going back to that mindset. I’m like a feral 4 year old, who has money and a car.

Building Something

I’m here to build something new, a place for Love and Healing (with capital L and H). I don’t know fully what that looks like. I got a book this winter on plant medicine, not psychedelics or marijuana, but making herbal remedies. I’ll work on that for now. I already grow and consume some of the healthiest, nutrient dense foods on the planet. 
 

I am that I AM

[ndm678]

Forgiveness

I've been stuck on this one for a bit. My mind has a  complete unwillingness and it gets a bit devily, in fact.

I'm coming to the point where it's time to forgive my ex wife.

I could write paragraphs about how much of a piece of shit she is, but I don't think that moves me towards forgiveness (I already wrote one and erased it because it was pure venom).

Our mutual child becomes an adult in a couple months. I've been fantasizing about telling her off, how rewarding it would be...... but I don't think that moves me toward forgiveness.

She has The Light in her, as I do, as everyone does. We are all on our own paths. Every decision someone makes was the highest one, with the information they had at the time.  All of those pale to the fact I wouldn't piss down her throat if her guts were on fire.

But she is me and I need to embody the peace to forgive. I don't want to drink anymore poison hoping it hurts her.

[ndm678]

Meeting My Karma

The jig is up, for now. The ego, and whatever combination of self and consciousness exists in this form is, has decided to move forward with leaving the simple, grotesquely spiritual advancing, lifestyle to chase love.

A tale as old as time

My idealistic version of 'Walden' has begun to wind down.

For love

Because that is always the answer

And you know it......

This is where my Karma is, this is where my darma is. This is my path because this is the path I'm on. And I'm most likely diluting myself. And I Love that.

I found myself, and loved myself over and over. 

I have accomplished amazing things, sitting on the side lines of love.

I'm gonna cash this out, go live in the city, sit around my girlfriend, play ukulele, and sing songs about Love.

[ndm678]

I AM

Edited July 13, 2024 by ndm678