Moving Forward

[ndm678]

I've physically been here for 4 months. A little nano community in the middle of nowhere.

I found myself here, to find myself. I took some of Leo's advice on one of his videos. To go away, without distractions, and clear the garbage out of my mind.

I went on to quit my job and girlfriend. I've been doing some odd jobs for the person that owns the cabin. I get to stay here and have a little pocket money. I don't work anywhere near the hours I used to. Most of my free time is spent in nature, or recently gardening.

I've been able to experience AMAZING breakthroughs here. I haven't made any friends, or romantic connections as of yet. I'm more than cool with going through a recluse phase.

I'm currently going through this reflection/completion dynamic.

I feel Satisfied and Completed. I have realized that, in some way or form, I have accomplished all my 'physical life goals'.

I don't 'want'. I don't 'need'.

[ndm678]

https://youtu.be/8OG3xC9hcVM

[ndm678]

I fell out of 'it' today. I was 5 days into a blissful state of 'one'. I woke up every morning a little surprised I was still here, I thought I may have unlocked 'the code' or something along those lines to send me along. I haven't reached the end of my string yet.

It's been unseasonably hot, and got all triggered by 'old work trama'. When it gets hot, it's was time for some serious work. Suck it up and process the 'fucked up'  later. I hate/hated that aspect of what I do. 

I do my work differently now.

The hornet population is exploded and it's annoying, boy did I judge that....

Just some old stones, got rid of so many lately I forgot those were still there.

[ndm678]

I'm full of shit, and take the victim role a little to easily.

I've been aware of these, I figured it was getting to a light or 'shmooze' level. I have thoroughly deluded myself yet again.

My adult life, and career, has been is a position of 'on the ropes' (poor victim). I operate in a very reactionary position. 

I sit here, in this moment, realizing I have no freaking idea on how NOT to be a victim, it's so engrained. Awhile back I did a little work (contemplating, journaling) on this position. It was easy to see and address the 'low hanging fruit' aspects. I've seriously 'leveled up' this position. It's like ninja level now. Let's see if I can avoid being a victim of victimhood.

I watched Leo's video (again) on bullshitting. That's another position society smiles upon, in the shadow side. There's another one I got paid handsomely for. Lies, deceit, smokescreens, diversions. They're not lies, it's more of an engineered truth.

I Love these aspects of myself. They have brought me here, through my survival journey, mostly physically healthy, in tact, and upright. But they really don't serve me well.

[ndm678]

Bullshit

I'm still a little hung up on this. I feel rather liberated coming to terms with being a 'bullshit monkey'. It's absolutely fascinating to watch the bullshitting monkey wiggle and writhe. Oh, how I want to drop down the victim aspect, oh, how I have loved being a martyr. Jesus was a martyr. He also did lots of other cool stuff, but being a martyr is 'devine'. Just ask my old Catholic subroutine. It feels very vicarious to admit/declare to others "I dunno man, I'm chocked right full of bullshit. Maybe I'm not the one to be talking to about this" They also find/realize/admit of their own bullshitting. Then we are in communion, we are one, in the name of bullshit. Perhaps I should open a church.....

[ndm678]

"Fuck 'em and feed 'em fish"

*Some dude I used to work with*

When you see the You (capital Y) in others, you just want to help/support/save them. "Here, take the coat off my back, here's some money, ect., ect." While the 'worldly' self screams "Forget about that 'Lillies in the Field' crap. Just think about tomorrow.".

My daughter asks "Why do you give money to some pan handlers and not others?"

"Not sure, something tells me to"

"Aren't you concerned about them buying drugs/booze?"

"Na, not really. That's their Karma, my giving isn't overly conditional. We're just giving to Ourselves anyway."

The 'poor' person, who's down on their luck, needs a miracle pulled out of someones ass to function as 'normal'.

The dude that bought a $1.5 million building that needs a $250,000 mechanical upgrade just so they can rent space.

I shouldn't be partial to these parties, I should be 'fair'.  But I'm not.

"Money moves through me", "I do what I do to help others" 

I screw the building owner, I gift the poor person.

This is why I am flawed, I judge, I punish/reward at my egos fancy, while painting a desirable picture of myself, for me to admire.

If I could just carry out my business, and NOT make some noble, bullshit, egoic identification out of it.

Excuse me, I need to go masterbate about my 'Robin Hood Complex'.

Edited June 16, 2022 by ndm678

[ndm678]

I've entered a strangeloop, a lot of cycles of life are beginning again.

Works been slow, I really haven't had a summer in my adult life that I could actually say I enjoyed myself. I've been able to pick up work from friends I used to be in 'the employment factory' with. We're all going our own way, it's super cool to participate in that. It's super cool to work/play/party with these people, it's cool to participate in their social circles and chill with new people.

I've sat around more campfires with more people than ever before. I've found myself engaged with some interesting people and some interesting conversations and situations.

I've been tripping alot this summer, I've busted open my perspective on living.

I've begun dating again. I've found most women I've encountered to be drab, boring, and genuinely have nothing interesting going on. I'm pretty picky, I've earned the right to be.

I've always been an emotional basket case. Tripping with intent/contemplating/journaling has allowed me to peel back the layers, like an onion, on this aspect. I'm getting closer to the center, and it's been sooooo liberating.

I've been doing a bohemian lifestyle, it's a strange flip from the wife/kids/mortgage/white picket fence/responsible life of 5 years ago.

I'm pretty much a loser. And I really couldn't be much happier.

[Raptorsin7]

@ndm678 Hey i'm planning on doing some travelling for the next year or so and I want to do what you've done to some degree... spend time in isolation to contemplate and I believe that will grow me like crazy. I'm going to spend some time at monestaries and retreats, but also i'm just going to spend time wandering around cities.

I'm lucky I have family money, so I basically get a free 3500 dollars per month to travel.

Do you have any tips or advice on how to best live this kind of reclusive lifestyle to maximize growth and emotional purging/healing?

[ndm678]

@Raptorsin7 Matthew 6:25-34. I used to be Catholic. This really resonated with me at the beginning of all this.

I have an uncanny ability to 'find my people' wherever I go, I trust and follow this intuition.

Food is food, water is water, shelter is shelter. Be filled with gratitude when you receive any of these.

My emotional purging/healing/understanding came from psychedelic trips (along with contemplating and journaling). I found myself presented with these on the journey. I don't seek them out.

I look like Jesus and speak in parables.

I have no strategy, I'm a traveller. 

My skills and tools make me valuable. This opens all kinds of doors for money, food, water, shelter. Refer back to Matthew 6:25-34

There is a lot of grace in suffering. Once you actualize this, it's like you're cheating.

Edited August 25, 2022 by ndm678

[Raptorsin7]

@ndm678 Have you ever done any kind of formal retreat? 

Or have you spent any time at an ashram/monastery?

Edited August 25, 2022 by Raptorsin7

[ndm678]

@Raptorsin7  I've participated in a 3 day meditation retreat. But haven't been to an ashram or monastary. 

[Raptorsin7]

12 hours ago, ndm678 said:

@Raptorsin7 Matthew 6:25-34. I used to be Catholic. This really resonated with me at the beginning of all this.

I have an uncanny ability to 'find my people' wherever I go, I trust and follow this intuition.

Food is food, water is water, shelter is shelter. Be filled with gratitude when you receive any of these.

My emotional purging/healing/understanding came from psychedelic trips (along with contemplating and journaling). I found myself presented with these on the journey. I don't seek them out.

I look like Jesus and speak in parables.

I have no strategy, I'm a traveller. 

My skills and tools make me valuable. This opens all kinds of doors for money, food, water, shelter. Refer back to Matthew 6:25-34

There is a lot of grace in suffering. Once you actualize this, it's like you're cheating.

Thanks for the insights, I will keep these in mind as I travel.

Good luck

[ndm678]

I had a dream about my ex girlfriend. We were at her family's party, I tried to talk to her, but I couldn't seem to catch up with her for words.

Back to reality.

When I woke up I felt I missed her and what we had, deeply. I got caught up in the good times. Thoughts are an illusion, break it down, see it for what it is, recontextulize it.

I left her because we were at a plateau. It grew comfortable and stale. Oh, how I longed for this feeling not long ago. I grew codependent, put forth almost all my efforts to make her feel happy, content and fulfilled. I wasn't getting my needs met, she would scorn and shame me for having these needs. I wanted sex, intimacy, and closeness. I seeked to get my needs met covertly and manuliplitivey. As we began to drift apart she started racking up animals, and pouring her time and effort into maintaining the growing number. The more I pushed back against this pursuit, the more I was shamed and cut out of sex/intimacy/closeness. This was the 2nd time I pegged her for being a 'crazy cat lady'. She became absorbed in animals, current events, and television. I couldn't see a good path going forward. This wasn't what I wanted out of life. I felt more lonely with her than I did in my own house, alone.

I left her. Seven months later I began to miss her. Well, I did from time to time before this point, but was able to bounce out of the feeling remembering all the animals, scorn, and how I poured everything I had (codependent) just to be the tail end of a multitask, some CNN articles, and a tray full of broken glass that she needed to 'date and catalog. She shit all over my spiritual practices, calling them 'culty' and not science approved. 

Over the next couple months I collected my belongings from her place, refusing to talk things out. There wasn't much to talk about. I figured she would have reached back out, but she didn't. I still haven't decided if that was a good or bad thing, it just became 'what it is'.

I began feeling sexual urges again recently. I polished off my old 'pick up' skills and got myself into a couple sleezy hook ups. Not my higher self, but I AM an earthly creature, with biological needs, descended from social monkeys and/or apes. It was then I missed her. I didn't orgasm, because she was still occupying space on my head. I was happy with the company of the opposite sex, and the fleeting sense of closeness. I was happy with the sex, and the pleasure my partners received from me.

This too, shall pass. 

Edited September 11, 2022 by ndm678

[ndm678]

Pushing 'That' Button

I've been going down the rabbit hole on this subject a fair amount this summer. My emotional shit eludes me. I tripped a handful of times about why this 'is a thing' in my life. Each trip I feel I've peeled back few layers of onion and received some profound insight and understanding. But I feel more will need to be done, because it torments me.

I struggle with meaningful, romantic love. 

I don't know where the root of this is. One of my later trips brought me back. It seems like came online as an awkward, teenage defective subroutine. I got lost in the media programming and longed for this. Unwavering desire to be romantically accepted. It really ate at me to be involved in this sort of manner.

Fast forward. I've had 2 adult romantic relationships. A very long term spouse, and a long term girlfriend. I did quite a bit of sleeping around, had a little promiscuous circle going on, in between these relationships. I've been 'single' for a combined 1.5 years of my adult life. I'm 42.

The casual sex avenue became unfufilling, I can feel myself drifting back into 'casual sex to fill a hole', knowing it will be unfufilling.

Back to my trip.

I felt the devine feminine (or what I perceive to be) embrace me, I felt all those anxieties fall away like rain from a cloud. Loved, Accepted, Safe. I basked in that feeling for about a week. 

I know that feeling exists inside of me, I need not go about seeking influences from outside of myself to 'push that button'. 

Relationships and sex were the ways I went about getting that button pushed. They are crude and fleeting ways to go about it. I now know that I can just do it myself, I should have made a map to get there.

[ndm678]

Homeward Bound / Happiness

The weather has turned, it's time to head to back to home base to settle in for the winter.

I started conversing with my ex this week. I don't know why she reached out to me. Perhaps closure, perhaps she feels the cold, northern breezes setting in. I don't know what I'm accomplishing with this, I guess I never was good with 'good-bye'.

I've been spending time with the last woman I hooked up with, doing stuff outside of sex. She's not the typical woman I go for. I'm probably more of a 'cancer' in her life. But that's probably what's driving her hot, that feeling of deep 'alive'.

I picked up a banjo in my travels this summer, I've actually gotten pretty good with it. I was playing one night waiting for a dose of mushrooms to kick in. Something reached out and began moving my fingers in patterns. I thought to myself 'this would sound awesome if it weren't for my clumsy fingers'. I received a non verbal response of 'it's okay, you're new, this is where you begin'. The quality and understanding of all the instruments I can play has gone through the roof since that trip. Interesting.... 

Happiness is not a fish you can catch. Before my ex and I broke up, she was getting down on my about 'not being happy'. I wasn't, but I was content. I've contemplated the pursuit of happiness. I feel it's an elevated state of mind that's difficult to maintain. I don't know how to define or depict it. It come and goes in moments. I try to recognize and appreciate when I'm in these brief moments. I believe we can hold mindsets that dispense happiness more frequently, but to maintain that, longterm, is... well.... neurotic. I've found a baseline of; at peace (content), sane, and purposeful is a wonderful place to be aware of happiness. Having a disgusting amount of gratitude (cue gratitude journal) is also a good place to foster more and deeper moments of happiness. My friend has the big house, white picket fence, fancy cars, wife, 2.5 children, successful career, ect. Is not happy, he may have caught some happiness pursuing these things. But he is not happy. I lived in my car this summer. I'm greatful to have a comfortable place to sleep, a vehicle that holds all my tools, and some possessions. I'm greatful watching the rain collect and run off my windshield, I'm greatful not to be in the rain. I'm greatful I had a solid summer of taking psychedelic trips, especially at this point of my spiritual journey (I haven't tripped since that Phish festival in the early 00's). I'm happy and greatful when I can find a place to sleep, a home cooked meal, a warm shower, and some work to keep my circus rolling. I'm greatful I have a cozy place waiting for me to land for the winter.

I'm going to home base, it's almost winter. I need to stack my wood and wrap up that running water project I started. The one before I went on this journey to 'find me'. 

[ndm678]

The New 'Her'

I met her at a co-op extention program from the University. We were in a 'Seed Saving' group project together.  

We had good banter. She kept looking at me with 'those eyes'.

I hadn't really began digesting my last break up. I was focused on me. I didn't intend to meet her yet.

I invited her for a drink one night. To talk about seed Saving, homesteading, and the way she was looking at me with 'those eyes'.

She isn't 'my type', for whatever that truly means. I'm used to party and 'wooooo' girls. She's a nerdy, microbiologist. She's got her 'shit together'. She wasn't on my radar, I haven't even started the 'healing' process'.

We had some drinks, we shared some cigarettes, she had 'those eyes'. 

We spilled into a pool hall, we freely spoke of deeper topics. Relationships, children, parenting, spirituality, epistemology. 'Those eyes' hooked me.

'I'm not ready for this yet', I held her hand a little longer exchanging pool paraphernalia, I flashed back my gorgeous, flirtatious eyes. YOLO, so I kissed her. Rinse and repeat.

We went back to her place, we watched a space documentary, talked of 'being single in our 40's,  and copulated like seals on the beach.

'I'm not really ready for.......'

'Hey, I had a great time chillin with you. We should get together again'. Do you like sushi?' 'Do you like dive bar kareoke?' 'I can't stop thinking about those sexy kisses' 

I'm not ready for this, I need to......

[ndm678]

Where To Go From Here

I open my eyes to a slight headache and dry mouth. Dive bar keroke, a bit of over indulgence last night. I'm getting a bit long in the tooth for this scene.

I slide out of bed, being careful not to disturb the naked body next to me. I go through a highlight reel similar to ESPN on how this situation came to fruition. The local bartender. We closed the bar, someone brought us for an off road adventure in their buggy. Her and I have been chummy for months, but I hadn't envisioned us hooking up. It's been a steady stream of waking up with new people next to me. I should feel like a Grecian God, but it feels hollow and sleazy.

I pop a couple ibuprofen, down a tall glass of water, and prepare the morning coffee. I step out onto the porch for a cigarette, I'm aware how heavy my lungs feel. We smoked so much last night. I think I'm coming to the end of the road with smoking.

I pour myself a cup and sit on the floor. I scan my body for awareness. The headache is lifting, still feel a bit dehydrated. My lungs still feel heavy. Fragments of my last mushroom trip surface. My universe exists in the gut bacteria of something else's gut bacteria, and there I was sitting at a campfire. I go into the universe that exists in my gut bacteria's gut bacteria, and there I was, sitting at a campfire. Just like I've done with millions of other faces I've worn, staring at a fire.

Flash into sitting on the floor playing a game with my wife and daughter. Feeling 'I feel so satisfied, I can die happy'. Flash into her and I separating, and how I didn't see it coming. I lost faith in the whiskery fellow sitting on a throne in the clouds. The 'I' died in a levy of tears. Flash to the first night I went to rehab, trying to stop drinking and save my marriage. I did it for her, I did it for us, not me. It didn't stick. Flash to that tarot card reading informing me I was beginning a 'spiritual revival'. Flash to my friend buying me a guitar to keep my mind out of the gutter. Flash to me watching dating advice videos from this strange, bald fellow. Flash to my first date with JEP. That feeling of awesome connection. Flash to the night I told her 'I fucking love the shit out of you'. Flash to that night we were sitting in bed, her parroting some garbage from CNN, me getting up, and saying 'I don't want to live like this' and leaving. Flash to me quitting my job, calling my boss a tool bag. 'I would rather die poor and hungry in a ditch than do this for another second of my life'. Flash to me sitting in the woods, trying to shuck the societal filler that was in my brain. Flash to me getting my business cards for my self employment gig. Flash to my first 'heroic dose' where I merged with the Infinate. Flash to sitting at the campfire, going infinitely outward and inward to see me sitting at the campfire, over and over again. Flash to going on a date with that nice girl I met. We went to the local dive bar for keroke and pool last night. She kissed me before she left, she said she hasn't had that much fun in years. I went back in after she left.

Back to the now.

[ndm678]

In This Moment

I still miss JEP. We'very talked a bit here and there. I think this may be a dead end. I have alot of sadness rolled into this one, we had a long run. I would be open to a reprieve, but I don't thinks that will happen in the short term.

I was seeing that woman I wasn't much into. I must have said something last week when we went out drinking, I haven't heard from her in a week. Oh well, I wasn't that interested anyway.

I had a weird/sad/bad trip over the past week. I've kinda been in a nihilistic funk as of late, looking for some insight on that. It brought me deep into my feelings toward JEP. I got stuck here on the trip, I couldn't eject or 'move the trip' like I had been able to do. This one's deep. I ended up abandoning the trip and watching TV. These feelings sting, I don't want to marinate in them.

My friend invited me to crash with his family for the winter. He says he 'channeled' into me the night I tripped. I think I'll take them up on that offer. The company would be much appreciated, it would help with the social aspect of life. I'm pretty much a hermit now, there is nothing for social interactions at my current locale.

I feel I should stay single for awhile. I've probably been single 2 years of my 24 years of being an adult. Logically I don't know what else I should be looking to achieve in this department. I should make some headway on a co dependent loop that surfaces. I could use to drop 40-50lbs. I could use a revamping of my diet. I could use to be an even cooler dad. My kiddo has 1.5 years of childhood left.

I kicked off the occasion of change with ceasing drinking. 1 week of no alcohol. 

[ndm678]

Getting My Head Out Of My Nihilistic Ass.

I've been in a nihilistic funk since returning to home base. I've been struggling with a 'what's next', and am finding it difficult to muster up any motivation to do anything outside of playing music and coloring.

My business is succeeding, and don't want to grow it any bigger. I tend to turn down projects that I deem ridiculous. 

I've started to improve my diet and get some more physical activity into my routine. Not overly passionate about it, just something that needs to be done, like brushing my teeth or wiping my ass.

I'm still not drinking. I'm surprised how much this task 'slows down the clock'. 

I went to visit a woman this past weekend to do mushrooms with her. She ended up declining to do them after I munched my dose. We sat at the campfire, he friends came over and proceeded to get buzzy. I never tripped alone at a drinking party. This is why I like tripping solo.

I gorw irritated listening to people drone and fuss about their pets. I can't shake the mindset of 'why do people go out and aquire these 'ball and chains' and build an existence around them? Do they even question what they are doing? What hole in their life are they trying to fill? I don't feel the need to inject beings in my life to feel like 'the smartest thing in the room'.

I go out to socialize, and meet women. I think I'd be better served by a prostitute. I mostly get too annoyed to follow through. I can't even keep my brain engaged long enough. All anyone really wants to do is talk about their drab jobs or talk about/show pictures of their pets. I'm wanna go get some thumbs up coins and just dispense them liberally when people go on this rant.

Moving, Tripping, and Jesus

I guess I forgot to post the above entry, instead of deleating it, I will continue..

I moved out of the little cabin in the woods, I moved downstate with my friend. I find it to be a bit unbecoming, but that's probably my bullshit getting in the way. It's nice to be back in civilization, it's nice to be social. This area is a lot more 'green', the last was 'blue/orange' (Spiral Dynamics refrences). 

I'm greatful a warm place to sleep, warm nutritional food to eat, and friendship. I'm greatful for my new found tribe, and being closer to my daughter.

I did a 'heroic dose' on mushrooms the first weekend I got there. I've felt so ungrounded as of late and wanted to dip into that a bit more. I'm still having emotional haywire spells. I've done well to sit with these and trip on them from time to time. As the effects set in, I was 'urged' that I would be grounded 'when it was time'. A little later into the journey I went back to this. I was meditating at the time. I went to my 'places', the garden, the temple, and the ship. Usually I can connect with guides/elves/psychedelic entities. This trip I found none were present. This is probably the most 'alone'I've felt in quite some time. I AM God, and God is alone. I changes gears and moved into the emotional haywire aspect. I saw/felt my mother. I don't think she wanted perform the roll she did. She did her best, and I love her for that. So I fall for women that are my mother then. Strong, independent, women. And I get cast out by these women, usually for career advancement. I wear the mask of independent/stoic/rock. But I'm human, and falter, and need to be vunerable sometimes too. And being vunerable is the wheels coming off the vehicle. I don't know how to go about not being able to lean on someone, especially when I'm constantly a 'leaning post' for them. I AM God, and God is alone.

My friend tells people I'm Jesus. It's cute, and a fun mask to wear sometimes. I tripped with a prostitute recently (and didn't have sex with her). I also eat my lunch with homeless sometimes. I dunno, those people are 'real' and can relate better. I did a job for a guy that was a cop, he served in Afghanistan. We talked about mushrooms, and how it would most likely benefit him to experiment with them. I could feel his crust breaking up a bit. That would be pretty wild to trip with a cop.

My labito has dried up. So many years of being a high drive sexual being. It's Karmamatic to be served that element. I can feel the 'social chimp' in my wiring screaming his little head off over this. Maybe this will vault my spirituality. Or maybe I'm deluding myself.

[ndm678]

Accepting the 'is-ness'..........

I dropped my daughter off to her mother mother earlier. It was a typical exchange. Almost similar to the others along the way here.

I still haven't really moved past this.

I didn't want this, this isn't the way I wanted it to be.

I embrace the 'is-ness' of the situation (thanks Eckhart Tolle).  As hard/painful as it is to accept. Wanting reality to be different than it is, is painful, and neurotic.

It's a prime spot where "shouldn't" lurks. 'I shouldn't feel this way', 'it shouldn't be this way', it shouldn't.......... but it is........

Where 'it is' is perfect......beyond all your/our/my selfish perceptions.....