Unchecked Stage Red tendencies (Warning, not for the faint of heart)

[kray]

I've noticed that under certain situations, I go through a rush of negative emotion/thought where I think about doing something extremely heinous to someone. For example, if a dude checks my girl's ass out, instead of being calm and collected as I should be, I have a strong urge to confront and hurt the dude. Sometimes I get thoughts of breaking all his bones and curb stomping him. And I feel like at that stage of consciousness, I would have zero sympathy for that person. When someone at my level (friends, girlfriend, people my age generally) talk or act condescending with me, I get a rush of anger and want to hurt them (of course I restrain myself and don't act upon this). If I kiss my girlfriend, and she doesn't reciprocate, I sometimes feel like grabbing her and just bashing her in her skull. Of course the reality is that 10/10 she's stressed and dealing with serious family issues. Never the less, I have these thoughts. I know this all comes from some unchecked insecurities, but I don't know if having such graphic and violent thoughts tends to be a result of that. A lot of times, I want people to have the same respect for me that I have for myself, and if I don't get that, or people are oblivious to that fact, I get the same thoughts and have these feeling for them to see me ass a god. My assumption is that a lot of this anger came from unchecked hurt that I've experienced growing up, dealing with bullying, being isolated from social groups, and being used as a doormat. For the longest time, I always felt that these experiences created unnecessary limiting beliefs preventing a good social and dating experience in high school and college. I mean for fuck sakes, the first time I kissed a girl was 20 years old SMH. But that was the past. Things are looking good now. I'm in a serious, happy relationship, I have a job offer lined up and I'm almost done with college (literally in a week).  But I still don't understand why I have these angry, violent tendencies. It's bad. This is tough to admit not going to lie, but I do inflict self harm to subdue them. I bang my head, clap or bang my hands together, and hit my legs when sitting down. In a way, this is was my way of getting out this violent energy without hurting others.....but I also don't want to hurt myself anymore. Recently I restarted my meditation routine, and its been helping in the sense that I'm aware of the sensations my body and mind go through when dealing with these violent episodes, but it hasn't completely stopped them. What can I do? I feel like the only thing stopping me from inflicting harm on someone whom I hate is sitting being bars for life. If that didn't exist, hypothetically, I don't see me restraining myself. I know that these come from deep seated insecurities, and that I do have to work on myself. I am starting to work on myself again, but I want to eliminate these violent tendencies. What else can I do to subdue this violent/extreme negative energy. 

 

P.S. If the above is too graphic, I'm genuinely sorry for ruining your day. If you meet/know me in person, I will never ever hurt you. I wouldn't hurt anyone, not even a cat, but these violent tendencies are hurting me at the end of the day. I want them to just STOP. 

[Preety_India]

Cultivate empathy for others through loving kindness meditation. 

Remove the need to control people. 

 

[Raze]

Try IFS therapy

[thisintegrated]

Awareness alone is curative.

[JonasVE12]

Notice how you are making the anger wrong and in a sense trying to disown it. Let your anger be there in your body, feel the intensity of it and welcome it fully without making it wrong. It's just an energy inside your body. Anger is an outwardly oriented energy, while when you experience anger, you can turn the anger in on itself. You change the orientation of anger. In a sense, you are turning the anger in on itself to see what's underneath the anger, maybe some shame, fear or grief. Notice that you can handle looking at it. When you use that anger to look inward, you welcome courage and by definition, you are going to get out of anger. You need to learn to transmute anger to courage, and you do this by looking at the emotions underneath the anger. Whenever you get angry, there is always an opportunity to feel and release lower emotions that are being poked at. 

And when you do self-harm when becoming angry, that's just because you are reactive to the anger. Try sitting with the intensity. You can handle it. Just try it, it's just a sensation. Stop projecting it outward and use it to go inside. 

[puporing]

8 hours ago, kray said:

My assumption is that a lot of this anger came from unchecked hurt that I've experienced growing up, dealing with bullying, being isolated from social groups, and being used as a doormat.

This is true and your intuition is correct. The anger is still there and hasn't been properly released yet. You should try releasing it, with the help of an effective witness (could be a therapist or a mature friend). Without this release it'll likely forever be trapped and turn on "others" whomever/whatever is close to you at the time. Write a brutally honest letter to those who you know you've felt hurt by - wihtout sending it to them, that can also be a form of release. Grieving your losses and giving yourself more love and understanding of what you went through. It will work out. 

Edited May 11, 2022 by puporing

[kray]

On 5/10/2022 at 5:26 PM, Benton said:

To help with the self harm buy a rubber band. Wear it on your arm. And everytime you get those urges. Pull it back and let it slap your arm. Make sure its a good rubber band too.

As for this anger. I can give you a yoga practice that can help. But what will help the most is to just allow yourself to feel this way. That doesn’t mean you follow through on your thoughts. Just surrender to how you feel and allow yourself to experience it. Don’t judge. Just experience.

It will clear out this way, and you can change it. It is your resistance of these emotions and feeling thats leaves them stuck. But this practice can help too.

This one too actually.

I’ve had good success with both of these. But surrendering to the experience is the most effective. These will be boosters for that. Psychedelics can help too. But be careful.

Wow, these practices have been helping a lot! 

[River of Souls]

You're not alone. A lot of us are still trying to figure this stuff out. Hang in there. Thank you for being honest and sharing your thoughts/feelings. It helps to have this forum where we can talk to each other without feeling judged. 

[Ulax]

Im w raze on the ifs.

I'd guess its a protector thats protecting a child part of you. It probably doesn't realise how old and capable you are right now. Once it does, that protector will likely be able to let go of its extreme role.

From another perspective, my opinion is you just went through some shit in a given context and this was the way your psyche responded to it. Its understandable

[jimwell]

On 5/11/2022 at 4:50 AM, kray said:

I am starting to work on myself again, but I want to eliminate these violent tendencies. What else can I do to subdue this violent/extreme negative energy. 

I think that you should not eliminate those violent tendencies and anger. They have a function in your life. What you really need is to "tame" them or integrate them. In some situations, your anger and violent tendencies will serve you.

I experienced what you are experiencing, but just worse. I experienced extreme anger for 4 years. There was a time I considered murdering all the humans who had hurt and abused me, especially when I was a kid. Yes, I considered murdering my own parents, especially my father, and my relatives.

Your anger and violent tendencies surely are a result of the mental-emotional (and might also be physical) abuse you received, especially during childhood. The first step you need to take is to acknowledge that your anger is VALID. Don't try to forcefully erase your anger. It will not work. It will only do more harm than good. In my case, the suppression of my anger turned into extreme anxiety and depression.  It was that extreme that I dropped out of college because I couldn't go out of my room. I also had agoraphobia.

When I eventually discovered that I had suppressed anger, I simply honored and validated it. I expressed my anger both in controlled and aggressive ways. Yes, there were times when I actually confronted my bullies and bullied them. Yes, I punched my father in the face and created a big black eye there. There were also times when I mentally-emotionally wounded the people who did the same thing to me when I was a kid and when I was weak. But I suggest that you don't do what I did. There is a better way, something more controlled and safer for everybody.      

Honoring my anger magically healed my soul. The anxiety (GAD, OCD, BDD, agoraphobia, etc) and suicidal depression disappeared. Before I was able to effectively honor my anger, I generated high self-love. Believe it or not, you will need high self-love to heal.

To simplify it:

1. Generate high self-love,

2. Be self-honest

3. Introspect and contemplate your childhood wounds

4. Feel and validate your anger

5. Express your anger (more controlled and safer way is recommended)

6. Understand why your abusers murdered your soul (see their perspective)

7. Contemplate the benefits of experiencing the mental-emotional wounds

Hint: makes you a more self-loving person with established boundaries, makes you stronger, makes you more empathetic and sympathetic to the weak and vulnerable, and more appreciative of the things previously mentioned

8. The anger has been honored and released (healed)

9. Forgiveness

10. Feeling good

It took me many years to heal (4 to 6 years). I don't look for vengeance anymore. But I also honor my past so I don't befriend my past abusers as if nothing has happened. I still keep my boundaries. It's all about balance. And yes, I feel very good about myself.

The posts below are relevant.

 

Edited May 17, 2022 by jimwell
added "Forgiveness"