How To Keep Detached From Others

[electroBeam]

This question can probably be generalized to everything, but how do you keep detached, and withdraw from developing feelings for someone, even when you kiss them and hug them?

When someone breaks up with you, or when someone lets you down on a date, its more important than ever to make sure that you don't get attached to the person, otherwise big consequences happen.

And the more similar you are to them, the harder the attachment is. Are there any ways of keeping detached? Apart from entering the present moment and forgetting about the person?

[Life Coach]

Conscious choice and willpower. If detachment won't come natural for you, you need to practice it with your will. That means whatever feelings and needs arise, you gotta tell yourself you are detached and act this way. You must learn to not give a fuck. A lot of self-development work, relationship work and spiritual work must go into this for you to learn that attachment is bad. There is no quick way and a lot of stuff comes together to enable you to grasp this wisdom. But it's good you are here, so you can learn it. You have already taken the first step; you know that attachment is bad and you realize that detachment is the way to go. You did good, congratulations on that! You got farther than most people. You will learn that attachment ruins relationships and it makes you miserable, it creates suffering. By being detached you free yourself and you also free other people, it's a win-win situation. When you are detached you realize that no one can fulfill you but yourself and that you don't need anything or anyone in your life to be happy.

Just don't have any expectations from anyone

Edited January 30, 2017 by Old Soul

[LifeLine]

@Old Soul Thank you. That answer even helped me 

[Bodhi123]

Is it the goal to have no emotions? Or is it the goal to be aware of and in control of our emotions?

If you are enjoying the presence of another person and feel joy then be present to that feeling and embrace it.

If in time that person is no longer around and all that is left is pain then be present to that feeling and let it go.

[FindingPeace]

4 hours ago, Bodhi123 said:

Is it the goal to have no emotions?

No. Emotions are an important part of life. Personal growth is not about learning not to have emotions, it's about learning how to respond to them.

4 hours ago, Bodhi123 said:

Or is it the goal to be aware of and in control of our emotions?

You don't really control emotions, you can only control how you respond to them and also understand what causes them.

Attachment is not an emotion. It is a psychological dependency. And it is an inherent component of a social species, such as humans. It is there by design in most social creatures. It's purpose is to create cohesive societies for the purpose of survival. Except, in the case of humans, we have 'out-grown' this need within the context of survival, and in conjuction with ego it causes many problems for us.

The problem is that it creates obsessive, compulsive and neurotic motivations that actually distract us from the true value of the object of our attachment. In the case of relationships, attachment can become so distracting that the purpose of the relationships becomes the maintaining of the relationship for attachement's sake. It blinds you to being able to authentically 'see' the other person in their own beauty. You are consumed by your own self-interested need - the attachment. And of course, if you now lose the object of your attachment it creates great pain and suffering for you.

I am a believer that being more detached actually increases the quality of a relationship. Whether it be with an object or a person. Being less 'needy' with someone and less controlled by the attachement allows you to be more present and pay more attention to the natural qualities of that person. It allows your focus to be the relationship with the person itself and not your compulsion to maintain it.

5 hours ago, Bodhi123 said:

If you are enjoying the presence of another person and feel joy then be present to that feeling and embrace it.

If in time that person is no longer around and all that is left is pain then be present to that feeling and let it go.

Rather than focussing on attachement, focus on the natural rewards of the relationship, whilst they last. When or if the realtionship ends, then be greatful and appreciative for the value that it gave you, and be accepting of the new situation, including any emotion that comes with it.

I think the key is being more appreciative towards things or people that are of value to you, and less needy and dependent on them. Enjoy the natural rewards in the moment, whilst they are present, and accepting of when the nature of these interraction changes or dissipates.

[Toby]

Don't get attached to non-attachment as well.

[Vaishnavi]

23 hours ago, Old Soul said:

willpower. If detachment won't come natural for you, you need to practice it with your will. That means whatever feelings and needs arise, you gotta tell yourself you are detached and act this way. 

Don't mind but isn't that a very neurotic approach to look at this issue? I mean being attached is something which is very obvious and natural and forcing yourself to "act" a certain way when deep down you're still very attached, isn't that ..fooling oneself and going against self acceptance?

[Life Coach]

27 minutes ago, Vaishnavi said:

Don't mind but isn't that a very neurotic approach to look at this issue? I mean being attached is something which is very obvious and natural and forcing yourself to "act" a certain way when deep down you're still very attached, isn't that ..fooling oneself and going against self acceptance?

Fake it till you make it, if you think you are fooling yourself keep fooling yourself until it becomes real. Also, you gotta do the work. Lots of stuff in life will not fall automaticly into your lap. You understand you have to put hard work and sometimes even force into things if you want to achieve something. Of course you can just sit down and do nothing and accept yourself, but that won't advance you and that won't make you detached. Instead you can sit down, accept yourself, then stand up again and actually do the hard work that you have to do to better yourself. And if you object with "When I accept myself, why do I need to work on myself?" Oh man...Leo got that covered in several videos. You can accept yourself and still become a better person for the well-being of all.

A lot of things are natural, and like Leo said in a video: "What's natural is shit". Being full in my ego is natural to me, being fearful and scheming is natural to me, being lazy and eating unhealthy is natural to me. Doesn't mean it's good. Doesn't mean you don't have to better yourself.

Edited January 31, 2017 by Old Soul

[Rocky]

I think a lot of people initially go into relationships with the belief that they will gain something that they want from the other person, physically and emotionally.

Therefor if someone is fully content with themselves with the belief that you have all that you want or need then there's less of a reason to get attached to someone in the first place, not only that but it also draws people to become attached to you because they want what they haven't got from you.

I believe that's  the reason why people sometimes break up from relationships, when they are no longer gaining anything out of it because they get used to having everything they initially wanted and go in search for what they haven't got e.g. another partner that's more physically attractive or more emotionally stimulating or has more materialistic wealth. 

And for that reason as to why the more similar you are to someone the harder it might be to attach to them if you both have similar qualities, because there might be less to gain for them and why opposites might attracted but of course there's reasons as to why people with similar qualities are attracted to each other too  

Edited January 31, 2017 by Rocky

[Orange]

 

we can teach them detachment, no?

[FindingPeace]

On 01/02/2017 at 10:43 PM, Orange said:

we can teach them detachment, no?

I liked that example. And it reinforces what I said earlier.

Attachment is a natural process in many species including our own. For good reasons. To try and reject it as 'bad' or 'unnecessary' is to create a resistance to something that is inherently inevitable. Which will only create more pain in the long run.

Like many things in human psychology, with personal development the key is to become aware of these mechanisms when they are operating. Not to use black-and-white thinking and to react against them. By becomming more aware of these mechanisms we can respond more healthily to them and be less controlled by them.

The dangers come when we are not aware of dynamics like attachment. Attachment can create various problems for us. The greatest issue being that it can create fear and anxiety.

Attachment is an automatic process. We don't really control it. It just happens. The problem is, it feels very 'nice'. It's comfortable, reassuring. That's the point of it. It is designed to keep up interested in something that apparently serves us. But as a necessary consequence to this, we now feel fear or anxiety whenever our relationship with the person/object is threatened. And this is where it creates the most issues.

It can become a distraction from the original source of the attachment, so that rather than enjoying something or someone we become focussed on the 'neediness' of the attachment itself, trying to avoid the fear of losing it. It can become an obsession.

Another issue is that the attachment can persist even when the original object or person is no longer of value to us. Like if a relationship turns dysfunctional or toxic. People are still compelled to maintain it because they feel fear or losing it. The issues here are obvious.

In both of these example, if someone is not consciously aware of the mechanisms at play then they can't really make healthy decisions and take appropriate actions. I suppose this is the greatest threat from attachement - it distorts perception a little bit. This is highly noticeable in most relationships.

So ultimately, we need to maintain awareness and mindfulness of the process and how and when it is affecting us. And yes, it takes a conscious effort to overcome the fears asscociated with attachment, the discomfort associated with it when the needs necessitate breaking it. But this is when the work needs doing.

I think ultimately in response to the title of this thread "How to keep detached from others", you don't really get a choice. If it happens it happens. If it is uncomfortable for you then it takes conscious effort to fight it. Ultimately, don't. Just be aware of it and make healthy choices that are not influenced by it. It isn't the attachment you need to fight, it's the resistence, the fears, the discomfort that you feel about making healthy choices that you need to work on.

You can't 'fight it'. To do so is simply trying to deny it's happening. You can't. You don't get to control it, if it's there it's there. Fighting it will only create more pain and may even perpetuate the issue. Denial is a neurotic and unhealthy approach to personal growth. Acceptance is the healthy approach.

The only way that detachment becomes less of a problem and perhaps happens less intensely is when you are more grounded in yourself and less dependent on others. But ultimately, it isn't one of those things you see coming. It isn't a choice.

 

Edited February 3, 2017 by FindingPeace

[Life Coach]

On 1.2.2017 at 11:43 PM, Orange said:

 

we can teach them detachment, no?

1. They are animals who can not understand as much as we, they also cannot transcend they ego as we can. They are bound to their animal nature, why teach them?

2. They are again animals. Attachment is for animals not nearly as bad as for humans, since they don't have such a sick, crippled ego who will bring ruin and torture upon them and the other person because of attachment. They can be naturally attached and live fine, they don't need to work it out. They can't even become enlightened so it doesn't matter.

 

All the time I see humans being compared to animals. Most of the time in studies, when they do studies on chimps, baby apes, rats and so on, suddenly it all applies to humans too. Or stuff like this post. But the problem is that humans are not animals, and we should not compare ourselfes with them. Our mind, spirit and ego and even body are completely different and infinitely more complex, especially the mind and spirit. Our self awareness and ego will be the factors that forever seperates us from animals, we are much further evolved, but it doesn't mean we are better than animals. I think animals are the better sitizens or earth than we humans.

Edited February 3, 2017 by Old Soul

[electroBeam]

On 31/01/2017 at 3:06 PM, Bodhi123 said:

Is it the goal to have no emotions? Or is it the goal to be aware of and in control of our emotions?

If you are enjoying the presence of another person and feel joy then be present to that feeling and embrace it.

If in time that person is no longer around and all that is left is pain then be present to that feeling and let it go.

Detachment doesn't mean not embracing and basking in those feelings, its the ability to bask in those feelings, while not really relying on it to be happy. 

[Natasha]

@electroBeam Detachment became easy to me once I realized there is no one here on a level of awareness to need anything. The mind/ ego will want to attach/detach, yet your true nature (Being) just is. Let this sink in next time you meditate.

Edited February 4, 2017 by Natasha

[Orange]

On 03/02/2017 at 0:44 PM, Old Soul said:

But the problem is that humans are not animals 

they are actually  

On 03/02/2017 at 0:44 PM, Old Soul said:

we should not compare ourselfes with them. 

yes and no; people also like to compare humans to robots. 

46 minutes ago, Natasha said:

there is no one here on a level of awareness to need anything. 

how come? 

[Life Coach]

1 minute ago, Orange said:

they are actually

You know what I mean. Technically they are animals(how about technically the are even plants, and simply everything?), but I would not put those two together and treat them as the same. As soon as cats and dogs, rhinos, bees and starfishes start to consume porn, getting their own currency and waging religious wars we can talk again

[Natasha]

@Orange Need/ attachment is a product of a body/mind construct a.k.a ego. Our true nature is awareness. When you approach life from this perspective, needs would naturally become quite selective. A being doesn't need 95% of the stuff a human thinks it does  

[clytaemnestra]

On 1/31/2017 at 3:55 PM, Old Soul said:

Fake it till you make it

Exactly!

I'd say, the most important is too be busy and distracted in a life with some other things such as job, hobbies, and the things that one should usually do if he/she would have been single. I personally feel very needy when I'm sitting home and have nothing to do in my life. Then a man is a center of my life and I can't not to be attached. When I do things in my life, when I'm focused on hobbies and studies then a man is one part of my life, not a center of my life. I'd say, the most important in a relationship is not to loose yourself and the things one person enjoys doing alone. 

To deny feelings is actually running away from them, it's completely normal to be in love and have strong emotions to someone, but a problem is if that period lasts or if a person just lets it and doesn't work on it. So, now when I feel overly needy and attached when I meet someone, I just go to do my hobbies and remember myself how much I enjoy them. 

[Orange]

20 hours ago, Natasha said:

@Orange Need/ attachment is a product of a body/mind construct a.k.a ego. Our true nature is awareness. When you approach life from this perspective, needs would naturally become quite selective. A being doesn't need 95% of the stuff a human thinks it does  

What is the remaining 5% needs of a being? 

[clytaemnestra]

2 hours ago, Orange said:

What is the remaining 5% needs of a being? 

I guess water, food, oxygen...?