Acting with integrity is leaving me thirsty

[Identity]

Around 8 months ago I broke up with my first serious girlfriend.

After 1,5-2 years of a mixed back of beauty, connection, growth, suffering and dissatisfaction, it became clear that we were not compatible. Different values, life paths, desires, lifestyles. Bridging the gap through settling became increasingly painful. And so things ended.

Ever since the relationship ended, it has been a path of discovery of what I truly want.

Starting off with the vision to surround myself with five girls to experience abundance and gain confidence/healing in sexuality.. turned out to be exhausting.

Dropping that idea and kind of letting happen what happen…

To now having made the decision to open myself up to a deeper connection with a partner.

Throughout this journey, one thing has stayed the same. I’ve been acting from a way higher standard of integrity then before. Integrity with my inner wisdom. Integrity with my standards. Integrity with honesty and truth. Integrity with what I know is right.

For example:

One girl who I had a short casual relationship with started to indicate she was looking for something monogamous. At that point I did not want to be monogamous with her. There was honest and open communication and I encouraged her to let our relationship go.

A few dates in with a smoking hot girl, I started to see that if we were to enter any further, it would be the same dynamic as with my ex. It was basically the same situation as with my ex. Attraction, connection, but different values, mindset, life path. I decided not to text her again and delete her contact.

One girl I saw met up with for two times, but found out a guy I semi knew had been dating her for a while. Long story short, I had the opportunity to go for it, but decided after communicating with him openly to not pursue it and give their situation a chance.

There are a few more examples, but these illustrate the point well.

All good, great, nice, good stuff. This was all good for a while, taking it slow and all that.

However, now I’ve gotten to the point where I’m getting seriously thirsty. My body and soul are craving for connection. It’s becoming increasingly painful not to act on those desires.

On top of this, I’ve been investing a lot of time and energy in my life purpose. Therefore it has been challenging to even create the space to pursue my desires.

What triggered this post, is the fact that yesterday I went to an ecstatic dance. Great place to meet some stage green/yellow girls btw. Anyhow, there was this ridiculously beautiful girl who I ended up dancing and connecting with. Looking into her eyes was breathtaking… the presence, the radiance, the confidence. After we connected, I literally had to go lay down for 10 minutes to let my body process the energy. Now, 24 hours later, I can still feel her presence.

So yeah.. here I am, young man thirsty for connection.

Part of me believes that if I keep acting with integrity it will ‘pay off’.

Then again, the cravings are getting stronger and they are starting to manifest also in moments of being down and lonely in a way they were not before.

Just felt like writing about this, but am open to any advice.

[somegirl]

@Identity So you're craving for connection, but do not want anything serious/relationship?

[Identity]

@somegirl I am open to something serious/relationship

[somegirl]

@Identity Then what exactly is holding you back?

By the sounds of it, you have had several occasions where you were met with girls of your taste, who seemingly saw something in you too (like that girl with mismerizing eyes).

Why not contact her after that, for example? 

[Bob Seeker]

If you go 100% integrity you will lose everything.

that’s called the spiritual path

Edited May 8, 2022 by Bob Seeker

[Identity]

@somegirl I’m not sure if there is anything holding me back at the moment. 
There actually have not been many opportunities with potential partners that felt like a compatible match.

The one connection at the ecstatic dance I was talking about, although deep and mesmerizing, was only a brief interaction. I don’t even know her name. After the interaction I haven’t seen her, not even on that night.

Usually I’ve got my eye on the ball in a scenario like that.. but my intention for the night was ‘surrender into love’. After the dance I felt at peace and decided not to go looking for her but see what emerges. Kind of regret that now to be honest.

[Identity]

@Bob Seeker hmm, at least have to be willing to lose everything.. 

Detached from any outcome.

Am definitely not detached from any outcome at the moment ?

[somegirl]

@Identity Nothing is lost. What is meant for you will find a way back to you.

See if you can maybe go back there... Or just drop it, if she doesn't appear again. Someone else will come. Whoever comes will be perfect for you.

[Leo Gura]

Hehe, yeah, getting lots of sex requires low integrity. People with high integrity don't have lots of sex.

Now you know why integrity is so rare.

Integrity ain't free.

[SeaMonster]

17 hours ago, Identity said:

Usually I’ve got my eye on the ball in a scenario like that.. but my intention for the night was ‘surrender into love’. After the dance I felt at peace and decided not to go looking for her but see what emerges. Kind of regret that now to be honest.

Maybe the problem is that you haven't yet adjusted your dating strategies to reflect your current values.  If you know what you're looking for then you need a more practical way of determining whether a girl meets that criteria.  

[Identity]

@somegirl Thank you ??
 

@Leo Gura Yes, in a wierd way, consciousness actually makes less free. In the sense that some things just no longer become possible once you’ve seen through the dysfuction of it. Not as a belief, but as something you know.

@SeaMonster Indeed! That’s advise my friend gave me as well, if you try to catch a certain type of fish, go to the right pond with the right bait.

Regular daygame and nightgame has proven to not be a very effective pond to fish in. Only the occasional lost fish in between the mud.

I’m also part of this hippy scene group chat, but even though its deeply stage green, it’s a bit too far outside of society for me. I want a girl that’s one foot in one foot out.

Will be scouting more potential ponds ??‍♂️ 

Already bought a ticket for the next ecstatic dance with the same group. Beautiful energy there. Literally burst out laughing when I walked into the toom because it felt so good there.

[Identity]

Insights from this video;

- feels like my heart is ‘open enough’. Always more work to be done.. but is not the main problem.

- asking my higher self, immediately the words ‘CREATE SPACE’ came.

This seems to be right from the rational mind as well.. to be honest there is next to no space in my life right now for a partner to enter. Have been working 6 days a week with the 7th day for deep rest.

The one or two social events a week I have been going to are seeds being planted in a jungle.

[StarStruck]

If you subcommunicate your desire for casual sex, there will be girls who will be open for it. And they will understand it is just casual sex; you don't need to spell it out; and not spelling it out doesn't mean you have low integrity. I think the mistake you make is that you are spelling things out, which takes the sexual tension away. You are tucking your dick between your legs so you can conform to your idea of how integrity should look like.

Edited May 9, 2022 by StarStruck

[Identity]

@StarStruck Hmm, don’t like to hear that, but sounds like there is at least partial truth to it.

”you are tucking your dick between your legs”

Pretty accurate. Sexuality in general is a topic I generally have more healing to do. 

There are some deep beliefs and patterns I adopted of hiding my sexuality and it’s poorly integrated in my overal personality.

It’s more this shadowy sub-self that sometimes comes out to play.

It’s like this untamed beast within me, that is usually locked in a cage. I’m not sure yet how to integrate it in a healthy way. 

I would like to explore and integrate that more in a safe space where there is room to be vulnerable. 

Have had plenty of interactions where I just ‘pushed through’ or played the part of standing in my sexual power, without actually standing in it. That’s exhausting and doesn’t bring me any further.

It’s a bit of a bit of a catch 22. No sexual mastery —> no sex —> no practice —> no sexual mastery.

Any suggestions?

[StarStruck]

@Identity study the nice guy syndrome. There are some good books with exercises to get out of it. 

[Identity]

@StarStruck Yeah, I’ve seen quite some video’s and read part of Robert Glover’s book on it. Perhaps something to dig in deeper, I’ll sit with it for a bit ??

[StarStruck]

35 minutes ago, Identity said:

@StarStruck Yeah, I’ve seen quite some video’s and read part of Robert Glover’s book on it. Perhaps something to dig in deeper, I’ll sit with it for a bit ??

In essence the problem is your self-image, the unconscious programming that runs you. Your life experience and especially your childhood experiences influence this self-image. You unconsciously gravitate towards your "personal myth" that you created for yourself.

Edited May 9, 2022 by StarStruck

[Razard86]

1 hour ago, Identity said:

@StarStruck Yeah, I’ve seen quite some video’s and read part of Robert Glover’s book on it. Perhaps something to dig in deeper, I’ll sit with it for a bit ??

Based on what you have written....the nice guy syndrome is definitely NOT your problem. Your issue is just you are trying to figure out how you want to change. That's it. You are just going through a transitional period which means you are growing and maturing and you are trying to figure out what image or persona you want to create. All we can do at this point is give suggestions but ultimately it will be you that chooses what you want.

Instead of suggestions I will ask some questions to get the screws winding around in your head.

1. What type of relationship goal do you have? Monogamous Marriage, life partners? Poly? 

2. What type of sexual relationship do you want with your partner? Frequent sex? Tame? Exploratory?

3. Do you want kids?

4. If you want kids do you want your wife to stay at home or work and you guys hire a babysitter? Questions Questions.

This should get the gears turning in your head.

[StarStruck]

Dude, those questions aren’t even the topic. He wants sex and he isn’t getting it because of niceness and phantoms in his head how integrity should look like. It is a classical example of the nice guy syndrome. 

[somegirl]

5 hours ago, StarStruck said:

Dude, those questions aren’t even the topic. He wants sex and he isn’t getting it because of niceness and phantoms in his head how integrity should look like. It is a classical example of the nice guy syndrome. 

What do you mean?

What he should have done in these circumstances he described in his original post? Jump on those girls? Lol

The fact is that things didn't align with him yet. He's behaving respectfully towards girls, as he should. He's not being "overly nice", just normal. 

I guess he could even get girls he wants to only if he tries a little harder.