Feeling Special

[Orange]

I found that in relationships (parent, friendship, romantic etc) an important need is that of exclusivity. Feeling special or needed/ wanted by another person. Is that a general need or is this my personal experience only? Also to what degree is this healthy? Should this need be dropped altogether? If so, how does one do that? 

Or should you keep this need and find someone who can meet it? What if you are in a relationship where the other doesn't meet this need, should you pursue this relationship? 

[ajasatya]

1 hour ago, Orange said:

I found that in relationships (parent, friendship, romantic etc) an important need is that of exclusivity. Feeling special or needed/ wanted by another person. Is that a general need or is this my personal experience only? Also to what degree is this healthy? Should this need be dropped altogether? If so, how does one do that?

Or should you keep this need and find someone who can meet it? What if you are in a relationship where the other doesn't meet this need, should you pursue this relationship?

it is most people's need. it's just another way to strengthen the illusion of a self. people try to fill an empty void with what's not there (and cannot be). it is a massive illusion. it requires suffering to be kept alive and leads to more suffering when it all falls apart. if your happiness depends on that you're pretty much screwed. my recommendation is that you should drop the pursue for external sources of happiness. there are several ways to do it. the practice of zen worked (and works) greatly for me.

it's very simple. if you cannot find peace in solitude, it's impossible to find peace.

[Life Coach]

When your needs are not being met then why the hell are you in the relationship in the first place? So the other person can leech from you like a fucking parasite and use you? You still giving and trying to meet their needs while they don't care? No, this is not the way to go. If this happens then there is no need for a relationship. Also a lot of people have those needs, that's why relationships are formed in the first place.

You will find that most relationships are shit and can be dropped. But there are still healthy relationships where you help each other grow and meet each others needs and both sides have a benefit. Those relationships are the ones you can keep.

But as you advance in your development, you will soon find that even those relationships are an illusion and a distraction. You then see that no one can ever fulfill you or meet your needs but yourself. You then become free of the need for relationships, however you can still be in one or some, not because you need or want anything, but just because you enjoy being with someone and giving and helping them. You don't expect anything back. In that way you went full circle. But you also don't mind being without a relationship or even in complete solitude.

 

I am not that advanced yet. If someone wants to be my friend or partner but they won't meet my needs and only use me for their own benefit or waste my time then they can go fuck themselves. If a thing doesn't make me or/and my life better, bigger and contributes to my well being, health, wealth and growth then I don't fucking need it. No matter if it's a person, a thing or an activity. Generally I don't see the point in relationships anymore and I stay alone most of the time. Nobody ever can meet all my needs or contribute so much to my life that I would say sacrificing my cash, time, mental and physical energy is worth it. It's not worth it, never was and never will be. It's merely an illusion.

However, should I advance in my development I may return to relationships, but only to help people and give love, then I may not care anymore for my own benefit at all. This can be only possible when you are very advanced and have let go of your ego and you should not try this before you are this far. Just stay out of shitty relationships, get your needs met in healthy relationships and grow.

Edited January 30, 2017 by Old Soul

[FindingPeace]

Many people want to feel 'special'. It is as though their identity is threatened if they don't have that exclusivity. But is this a 'need' and should anyone fulfill that need? The answer will probably hurt the ego..

The whole notion of wanting an exclusive feeling of being special is a losing game. If everyone were to be special then noone would be. Because they would all be on equal ground. And once at the top... there is only one place you can go.. and that's back down.

It's a fragile state to live in. And it necessitates suffering. Why? Because in order to feel 'special' then there has to be a time of not feeling special in order for it to have any value. And once you have that value, and hold it for a while, you get used to it and it becomes 'normal'. Then what? You have to find bigger and better ways to get that feeling back. Ultimately, if you pursue this paradigm then you will spend your life chasing this feeling, balancing at the top, fearing falling down at any moment, at the slightest sign of dissapointment.

22 hours ago, Orange said:

Or should you keep this need and find someone who can meet it? What if you are in a relationship where the other doesn't meet this need, should you pursue this relationship? 

Expecting another human to be able to consitently elevate you to this imaginary exclusivity is another losing game. It also becomes a selfish game on your behalf because if you enter a relationship with the intention of receiving this treatment then you are focussed primarily on yourself and what you are getting and not on the natural qualities of the other person. The realtionship become about you and the exclusivity of you, and the specialness of you. Which of course... everyone likes the idea of. It's the kind of concept conveyed in every fairy tale and romantic movie. Which is an important point to note.. that this is something that is conditioned by society. But what I'm saying here is that entering a relationship with any intention of using it as a utility to you (in this case to promote your own ego) is an inauthentic and ultimately dysfunctional way. Other people are not there to be a utility to you, they are there to appreciate for their own uniqueness. Not for how they can serve you.

Entering a relationship with this kind of agenda will ultimately cause many problems and the ultimate failure of the relationship. You will have a never ending list of expectations of behaviours from the other person, of what it is in your mind that you need to get this exclusive feeling. And anytime they fail, you will feel hurt. And, as I said above, even if they succeed for while, once the feeling normalises you will be looking for bigger and better examples that will bring the feeling back. The relationship will, for you, become about this need for exclusivity and the feeling of being special. It will distract  you from ever seeing the true value that the other person is bringing to you.

So, to find someone that can meet this need.. that will be a life long, painful endevour. A game that you will never win. It will toxify any relationship.

The real answer to all this is to love yourself. No other person will ever fulfull the emptiness that you are feeling. And you only feel this way because you perceive something lacking within you. Learn to love yourself and see yourself as special, then you will never need an external source of validation. And through this paradigm, you will have far more authentic and fulfilling relationships with people.

 

[clytaemnestra]

I hate being exclusive, marriages and all other kind of social norms people go under just to feel safe and secure. It's about how much you invest in that relationship, not about frames you put around it. That said, I'd never hide my partner or be in a hidden relationship or so, but if our relationship is functioning alright, I don't see any need for Facebook status, public photos together, telling people around... Okay when it happens that someone asks or catches us on a photo together, but going around and telling friends and acquaintances "guess what? I have a bf" just to prove myself to others is out of question. But that's just me.