What Made You Feel Love As A Child?

[Leo Gura]

I am in the midst of developing a deeper theory of love. As such I would like for you to brainstorm a list of things from your childhood that made you feel loved by your mother, father, and/or siblings. The earlier from your childhood the better. You can also make a list of things that made you feel unloved. But separate these two lists.

Don't make shit up, actually introspect into your past. Think deep about what actually made you feel loved. So, for example, if getting a birthday gift made you feel loved, contemplate why and list that. For example, you felt loved because the gift satisfied some deep need/desire of yours.

[thisintegrated]

As I kid I had no concept of love.  Sure things made me happy/sad, but I never analyzed my emotions.

[cetus]

If I wasn't for my mothers love I'm not sure if I would have ever really appreciated how reality has that same love for me. She shown me the way through her Love for me.

[Mulky]

My parents loved me so much and I feel like so much of it came from that.  It had an effect in the surrounding environment.  They really unconditionally loved and appreciated me existing.  There was a sense of freedom space and life in our neighborhood. 

I have memories of sitting in a dirt patch in my front yard and just chilling there looking around at everything.  Every feature of our yard had some type of deep connection with us.  Like each tree, a rock  wall, a area of wild honeysuckle and all other types of wild plants.  the nature was left somewhat uncontrolled and natural and beautiful.  All the neighbors new and loved eachothers pets.  It was sort of innocent.  All of us kids would go on adventures all over the neighborhood and down into the creek area.

One time my dad told me to clean up my room and make it "neat".  I piled my toys up and made a cave because I thought it was "neat", my dad just laughed.  there was space and presence in everything, people were paying attention not just to each other but the physical surroundings, the scene they were living in.  It's like we were present and in life and we felt alive. 

A great sense of the freedom that came to the adults came from the kids,  and that gift was given to the parents as a reward for allowing their kids to feel free.  We all mostly behaved pretty good but the adults were pretty forgiving and understanding.  nobody demonized or moralized.  One time an older kid stole some parts from my bike.  My dad, himself being sort of a rebel as a kid, was very nice and understanding with the older kid and that taught me and others patience etc.  

It seemed like there was not so much trying to control going on, and a sense of real community in the area.  Kids sort of naturally  seem to be on the wavelength of love and really you just have to not mess with that.  You have to let it keep shining because that love empowers the whole family.

Edited May 6, 2022 by Mulky

[Leo Gura]

9 minutes ago, thisintegrated said:

As I kid I had no concept of love.  Sure things made me happy/sad, but I never analyzed my emotions.

Analyze the love retrospectively.

7 minutes ago, cetus said:

If I wasn't for my mothers love I'm not sure if I would have ever appreciated reality has that same love for me. She shown me the way through her Love for me.

More details. This is too vague.

[cetus]

Reality became was perfection.

[puporing]

Ohh this is gonna get personal. 

[Leo Gura]

@Mulky Great! Thanks

[Leo Gura]

3 minutes ago, cetus said:

Reality became perfection.

List actual micro things they did to make you feel loved.

[thisintegrated]

1 minute ago, Leo Gura said:

Analyze the love retrospectively.

Hmm, I guess it's just getting attention and feeling "safe" and "cared for".  Abandonment would be the opposite of being loved, so as long as you feel you're not abandoned you feel loved.

[Leo Gura]

1 minute ago, Benton said:

It was my families acceptance that gave me love as a child.

What did they actually do to make you feel acceptance?

[kray]

26 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

I am in the midst of developing a deeper theory of love. As such I would like for you to brainstorm a list of things from your childhood that made you feel loved by your mother, father, and/or siblings. The earlier from your childhood the better. You can also make a list of things that made you feel unloved. But separate these two lists.

Don't make shit up, actually introspect into your past. Think deep about what actually made you feel loved. So, for example, if getting a birthday gift made you feel loved, contemplate why and list that. For example, you felt loved because the gift satisfied some deep need/desire of yours.

Acceptance from every facet of my life. Social acceptance from my family, my classmates at school, my colleagues at work, and from my girlfriend. 

[Roy]

When I was 9 or 10 I went to a summer camp. My sister (14 or 15) was a counsellor there so naturally I wasn't on my best behavior lol. I remember one of the other counsellors, a teenage boy started to pick on me and abuse his power. I can't remember if it was because I provoked him or something else, but I remember my sister came to defend me from him even though I didn't really get along with her and was probably making her job harder than it had to be.

I remember that feeling of protection and love quite well, that she had my back unconditionally.

[Leo Gura]

1 minute ago, kray said:

Acceptance from every facet of my life. Social acceptance from my family, my classmates at school, my colleagues at work, and from my girlfriend. 

What behaviors of theirs created acceptance within you?

[Mulky]

8 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

@Mulky Great! Thanks

Very happy to help

[Leo Gura]

@Benton Great!

[cetus]

11 minutes ago, Mulky said:

I have memories of sitting in a dirt patch in my front yard and just chilling there looking around at everything.  Every feature of our yard had some type of deep connection with us.

Perhaps to say "I will Always be here for you as we are one"

[Someone here]

Anyone who has kids or has spent time with kids knows how much joy they bring into the world. But nothing can beat the love parents have for their children! The love parents have for kids is everlasting and deep. This love will never reduce, even when children grow up.  

When i was  somewhere between 6-8 my mom used to sing Me to sleep saying: "Butterflies have wings, so they can fly. Bunnies have legs, so they can hop and run. Fish have gills, so they can swim. I have a heart, so I can love you."

She also used to tell Me that All I want to see in this whole wide world is for you to grow up happy and healthy.

There is nothing more brilliant in this world than seeing your children growing up 

[soos_mite_ah]

I felt loved whenever people would spend quality time with me. That ranged from my mom watching TV with me, my dad and I sneaking out to get ice cream, and my uncle riding his bike with me and taking me to the park to play tennis. Even if it was just running errands, I still enjoyed tagging along and helping my family out. I just enjoyed people being present with me. 

I also felt loved when people would play silly little games with me. I was a very hyper active child so I needed to be pretty active or else I was prone to get cranky. It could range from playing pretend, making up stories, or playing practical jokes on people. I think I just really needed that outlet to help me grow as a child. Definitely helped me be more creative early on. 

Finally, I loved it when people would cuddle with me. I loved it when I could cuddle up with my grandmother and she would tell me stories of the ways that my dad got into trouble as a little kid. Another time I remember was when I liked taking naps with my dad and I would curl up next to him.  I think a lot of this had to do with the rest of my family being relatively touchy feely and just an abundance of physical affection was shown to me and my cousins and as a result I got socialized accordingly. 

Now that I actually think about it, I don't think much has changed. I would say that my love language is close tie between physical touch and quality time. I also generally need people who are going to challenge me intellectually and creatively while still having a light hearted air about it both on a platonic and romantic level as well. So I think if I were to sum it up in a sentence, the things that would make me feel loved includes being present (physically and emotionally) and allowing yourself to grow in a fun way at your own pace. 

[r0ckyreed]

The deepest love I received from my parents was them making me feel special and gifted.  They made me feel like a hero to them, and they would engage in fantasy play with me as a kid.  

I think a big thing was trust.  I felt like I could trust my parents and they could trust me.  

However, it was different with my sister.  My parents making me feel special and gifted ended up making me become an asshole in my life.  My high self-efficacy turned into narcissism.  Narcissism definitely plagued my psyche throughout my life until my freshman year in college.  The specific ways that it backfired was I was always competing with everyone, which led me to have hardly any friends.  My sister wanted to spend time with me as a kid, but I was so competitive that I kind of drove her away.  

To this day, I have a great relationship with my sister, and this is in part because I have changed such that I was more open and humble about my flaws and mistakes, and I started to make other people feel special and gifted like the way I felt.  Some ways that I did this was through magic tricks.  I initially did tennis and magic for selfish reasons.  Magic was to help me to make friends in school, but I eventually did magic because I liked how I could make people feel. This led me on to getting a master's degree in mental health counseling as an existential therapist.

But in my childhood, my parents gave me everything that I wanted really.  I was spoiled, but I had deep respect and listened to their wisdom.  I think what helped me to respect them the most was the fact that I knew they respected and loved me.  I always felt accepted and belonged.  I felt so accepted by my parents that when I went on to Boy Scout campy, I became homesick because I missed my parents.  

Some of the small things that made me feel accepted and loved was the fact that my parents would do literally everything for me.  My dad would always get me up in the morning and make me waffles, eggs, pancakes, etc.  My dad would take me out for tennis lessons, trumpet lessons, etc.  My mom would support me as well.  Looking back, I realized that I spent a lot of time with my dad, and I wished I had spent more time with my mom.  My mom's job was not as flexible though so that complicated things.  Whenever I was sick, my dad would take off work to care for me.

The deepest love I received and still receive is having all my needs provided to me.  I feel so deeply loved by my parents that I still live with them today.  I have never left my home because it feels so much like home.  A downside to all of this is that my parents never taught me how to be independent.  Like I said, I was spoiled, but I was taught that my opportunities given were a privilege, and I was taught to have gratitude and good manners.  What helped me understand this was being exposed to a variety of cultures throughout my life.

Ever since I was around 9 years old, my family would go to Mexico every year.  We experienced great delights, but I also remember seeing the poverty that people had to live through.  This helped me to gain more appreciation of what I had.  My parents also showed me great love by the education that they gave me.  They told me at an early age what sex and drugs were about and to avoid them.  My dad shared with me many of his mistakes.  He was so vulnerable with me about his stupid errors that made me respect him and listen to him.  I learned a lot of what not to do from my dad's stories.  

With my mom, she advocated for me all throughout school because of my ADHD.  I could sense how much my mom cared for me by her being assertive to make sure I was treated fairly at school.  I felt like both my mom and dad had my back, and I could always go to them for help.  I typically go to my mom for emotional problems, as she is a therapist herself.  My mom and my dad have always empowered me and highlighted my strengths such as being passionate, ambitious, hard worker, etc.  They have always encouraged me to succeed in my dreams.  I had dreams of being a professional tennis player and trumpet player at around age 11-12.  My parents showed me love by encouraging me to fulfill my dreams, and they never told me I could not achieve my dreams.  I know some parents may discourage their kids, saying "you will never amount to that ..., etc."  In addition, they helped me reframe many negative experiences I have had into positive ones.  Having ADHD and being held back in school were some struggles I was faced with and embarrassed by initially, but my parents had me see my ADHD and being held back as strengths.

Other ways were my dad spending many nights helping me with my homework.  I realize now how much I took this for granted because after a long day of work, it can be hard to help a child with their school work.  What my mom and dad did to help me with my school work showed that I was worth their time.  I never felt like I wasn't worthy to them.  They always made me feel worthy by verbally expressing that they are proud of me for my accomplishments.  They were always quick to compliment.  

The big takeaway from this exercise for me is that I felt the most love from my childhood when my parents and sister treated me special with respect, provided my basic needs, recognized and highlighted my strengths, provided time for me, and encouraged me to follow and actualize my dreams.

I think a theory of love based off of the common themes of my childhood is that the deepest love comes from making others feel special.  Ways to do this are to highlight their strengths, express they are worthy of your time, and encourage them to be themselves and follow their dreams.  Just giving positive attention to someone is enough to make them feel special.

EDIT: Love to me boils down to making other people feel like they can be themselves around you, as well as helping others to bring about the best in themselves.  This first starts with me being authentic first but authenticity is another matter entirely to contemplate.

 

Edited May 6, 2022 by r0ckyreed