Does this speak to anyone ?

[Yobenm]

Even before having the awakening experiences that made me seek enlightenment, I always had some deep intuition that I was conscious before I was born, that I cannot really stop being conscious and that there was something before this life.

My awakening experience was like partly remembering this was a reality but I was not sober and could not completely get everything. Since then I've had numerous little glimpses of this "remembering", but could not get a clear enough view of it. It always took one conceptual form but failed to be whole in a sense. I just had a more clear glimpse of it that I think I can put to words and I'd love to know what you think of it and if it's relatable.

So basically, it takes the form of a half memory of some kind of transition process that seems to encompass all of possible concepts and knowledge, or at least a perfectly compressed version of how you would describe all you know of reality if you had to. It's like a movie, but with thoughts and emotions, all associated with one another, be it meaning, or concepts themselves (like word = number = book = story = movie = life = death, etc

From what I remember, I have experienced that process several times, and I situate it in my childhood, pre-teen years. I remember it like it's a night dream I've had at this age, but it feels more like it actually happened before I was born. Or if it makes sense I have a hunch that I'm currently (normal life) inside a very slow version of it. 

For more conceptual details I would say I instinctively associate this process with the idea of death. It also bears a strong link with the idea of the mother, helplessness, shame and age. It feels in a way like each life ends with this process and a new one begins, with a new innate knowledge thanks to the integrations the process itself allowed. 

It feels like I experienced It many times in my childhood (though not keeping any true memory of it each time), but it stopped at a point. It's like each cycle has to be longer and harder.

Does it ring a bell for somebody ?

Does it have anything to do with enlightenment ? I feel like if I can remember this completely and moreover completely understand it, this is enlightenment.

 

Edit : I know parts of what I describe seems contradictory, but I tried to describe the way it feels to me.

Edited May 4, 2022 by Yobenm

[Alta]

I just wanted to post the same thing but decided to go with more simple stuff like dreams.
During my neti neti meditation I somehow entered some "realm" cuz I dont have words to describe it (maybe state of consciousness) and it indeed felt like a childhood dream that I had but it got completely deleted from my memory. And for some reason I felt extreme fear throughout the whole process. It all went away the moment I tried to put it into words. After this I thought why the hell would someone or something put a child mind through such thing

[thisintegrated]

Yeah.. my earliest memories are weird.  I recall seeing my family driving to the hospital to give birth to me?‍♂️