Heart (emotional self awareness) - Freestyle/No Theory (Closed Journal)

[ll Ontology ll]

Shark update #2:

Inside this walls that protect me without my knowledge 

That close my off from the breath of my own life

That take away the sweet sensation of morning dew so that my consciousness is replaced with the fog to deal with incoming threats from my parents (my inner shadow - I don’t live with them or anything of course)

That take me away from the mutual empathy with another so that I don’t have to deal with the risk of bonding through the truth of my early experiences 

I have many defenses inside that I am slowly peeling back the layers of 

Inside as I tune into myself I wonder what else exists in my insights about the heart

These walls are so strong, they have such great steel reinforcement and if I take a sledge hammer to them they’ll just turn transparent and the sledge hammer will just swing straight into my heart 

It is a matter about finesse, to slowly wire the heart with the brain in the way that I intend

To open myself wide open, what will remain? 

Now is the time to explore the full creativity of awareness of the heart and all its forms

I feel at the edge of a new horizon 

Now is the time to concentrate, now is the time to double, triple and quadruple down, now is the time to amp it up

 

(Initial phone problems : reposted)

[ll Ontology ll]

Shark update #3:

 

I’m screaming my lungs out

I feel like tornados that pulled me into the deep blue are being set free into the chaos of civilisations emotional black hole of nothingness 

“Where all emotional debris go to die and live as ghosts to get the next person”

How do I protect the next person from having to go through what I went through and that I’m now finally breaking myself free from?

This inception of infinity bound by insane blindness of truthful certainty

How can I collide with anything but the grace of a storm, a storm that thunders raindrops of truth on the shadows that crept over my insides and turned me over body ten ft already in the ground while my ghost lived my life observing myself live out my experiences?

This feels like destiny, a fete of intersecting paths to align shadows of chaos with the chaos that frees while separating me from the trees of halloween and having me fall finally from the tree of life and land in the hand of the being of creativity

This has been my magnum opus for some years now, too mental though, like a stray dog paranoid about new owners trying to make the world on his own, god finally listens while releasing him from his tormentors and unites him with the truth of his expression, just as life wants to do it

My lungs… have fallen out and now my heart no longer needs them shadows of Grey Hairs, mum… dad… goodbye and hello… life… this is my emotional life now knocking on your door..

Entering the kingdom of heaven called life… through wisdom of love and a love of wisdom…

 

 

Edited May 8, 2022 by ll Ontology ll

[ll Ontology ll]

Orca Skills from this Work #1 (as that’s what I’m becoming more of isn’t it and more or less always was instead of a shark):

 

I’m learning to trust emotional senses much more, I mean they’re through the roof to be honest and this work is untangling them and making things a whole lot more clear. As soon as I get a read on someone and I sense their energy isn’t “human” they’re left for dead there’s nothing they can do I don’t waste any energy giving them anything I don’t need to. It’s kind of like being Spider-Man really or the guy in the film Unbreakable where he walks past people and “gets a clue”. The zombie puppet of a villain was such a terrible person, they were such heart-wrenching scenes there, the situations that evolved there slowly becoming how Mr. Glass later revealed his torments on society that put David Dunn in conflict with the vision his conscience he set out for him to instruct purpose in him from his powers. The more I tune and wire myself to someone the more I see, it’s stuff I’m not ready for though and don’t encourage any of it I still have a lot more personal development to go especially with the heart and it’s connection to the brain before I reach that point.

 

Edited May 8, 2022 by ll Ontology ll

[ll Ontology ll]

Orca update #5:

Writing out an emotion is a lot like learning to whistle, if we press our lips together to tightly nothing will come out real, instead it'll come out in lumps with the appearance of "orderliness" as if to say that it was "too good for subtlety". If our mouth is open too wide we're not able to establish the necessary friction between wavelength and its corresponding expression. If we blow out too hard, everything will come out too anxiously or to its opposite, fearlessly, revealing falseness in both instances, anxieties of things that are false, fearlessness which is really just what is hiding something deeper underneath.

If we write with no breath, that is to say if we write when we have no emotional vigour, we are writing our death into reality and so too if there's no pressure there to instead write our life into existence why would we write at all?

If we write with a full breath, we have life to give with every letter but what about all the subtlety that exists behind the life where we're supposedly, "full of it", full of life or are we full of shit just simply trying to convince ourselves happy so we can live a "convinced" life till we're dead because surely that's what we were meant to do, am I write? Not just yet, we'll work on the writing as I'm hardly there given I'm only a few days into this work which is noticeably so far complete from the perspective of my future self who has already completed all of these words here, to that end, the wisdom they have to give me is found in committing to my process here as dutifully as possible and thus, this is when it will unfold for me best.

Take a full breath before you write because a melody within needs to be spoken, this is what I tell myself now. Moreover, the melody that I am describing make sure that it is not "creative" but conjuring and descriptive of every subtlety within, then it naturally becomes a creative act, creativity if at all is merely an existential goal but to make it more is a betrayal of the heart for sometimes the heart needs to simply say, "I cannot give anymore of my life right now."

Try whistling now and you will see what I mean with all of this, while you're whistling, sink into what your body is feeling in the way that I have described by simply going as deeply within the heart as possible, watch and be with the multiple permutations that it creates. Notice how your intuition changes continuously with every second to balance itself with the breath, the support you give it, the resonance with your heart, the tension against the lips, the feeling of how much air is left to finish or begin your melody, the way your emotions change with the melody and the melody changes with the subtlety of the emotions.

This is how I play the piano.

Is it no surprise then that the way we learn the secrets of our heart is no different to how we should learn the secrets of music in order to know the full potential of its creative possibilities? Is it possible then, our heart like our brain or to some very important unique end, is also an instrument?

Today I learn how to play that instrument and every day I should treat it just the same, learning as if I've never learned before, learning while applying all the wisdom I have learned and extending it further.

Much love. Much wisdom.

The love of wisdom, the love of the heart. The wisdom of love, the heart of the mind.

[ll Ontology ll]

Intro #11:

It has been of natural effect within me over the last couple of hours that a coupling has begun to occur between "consciousness awareness" and "heart awareness". This has so far brought about two interesting related reactions, the exact timing of these happenings isn't concretely able to be placed, it is unmistakable however that they are of high relation.

The first pertains to a much pervasive sense of "heart body" which I would explain as the relationship between the outcome of consciousness awareness and heart awareness because no other relationship better explains the occurrence, this heart body works in two directions from the perspective of awareness. For one, there is a greater consciousness sense of the field of emotion and energy as it exists from the outside in like an aura the body is creating and the outside of it is feeding information to the inside. Two, greater heart awareness exists from inwards to outwards towards the end point of this "aura" with increasingly less and less electric shocks and "ice picks to the heart" as was previously documented in a very expressive, absolute, meaning-identified, precise and accurate way earlier in this journal, meaning the description of being stabbed in the heart by ice picks and the receiving of electric shocks as I have described it is just so spot on (minus the complete literal interpretation of course). 

The second relates to a hyper conscious awareness of all inclusive here as it appears while also distinguishing between "brain emotions" and "heart emotions" while meditating their confusing similarities and difference through stated hyper conscious awareness. This hyper conscious awareness is illustrative of the falling away of the electric shocks and the ice picks thus giving me increasingly more free-reign of my consciousness to be fully equipped to activate the fullness of being. I am no where near completely free of stated shocks and ice picks but I have undoubtedly made a considerable breakthrough which speaks volumes for the exercise that I have described in Intro #9.

This means that the stated link that I have determined to create between the heart and brain is now inclusive of two more interconnected links, consciousness and awareness, however subtle the differences between links may be and that are necessary, there is a definite difference in sensation. An important point here then in relation to the activation of higher SENSATION as much as there is this "freeing-up" in the previously described way which links to the benefit of activating pre-existing HIGHER PERCEPTION.

Another noteworthy point is in relation to the automatic pronouncement of the complexity of inner experience, whereby there is a coupling of multiple feeling impressions, on average at least 3-4 combined with their experiential impressions that are held in the mind simultaneously, held in a way that feeds comprehension to and from the heart. As previous noted elude to, this is not a deliberate attempt to activate the brain-mind awareness in this sense, this is all coming about as a natural consequence of linking the heart with the brain from the will of the heart itself and if there is any mind involved it is more than anything else merely a subconscious imperative. 

This HIGHER PERCEPTION is coupled with this greater sense of described consciousness awareness that creates the presentation of greater RECOGNITION occurring within the perception of felt energetic experience. 

This has brought about the new personal interpretation of will from the perspective of consciousness, that at my present level of development here, consciousness is the sole source of will and thus higher will can be instigated through the greater generation of power through consciousness on awareness and every other area needed to instigate will in the desired area, in this case, the deepening of the connection with the heart and its relationship to higher order being in the hyper-connected sense between all relevant aspects within being.

Altogether in combination with the execution of these insights I am becoming increasingly better at correlated all manner of states of being with states of awareness of their origins and how to link them to efficacious action for being.

Overall, inexplicably, as stated in the above post, it feels incredibly beautiful to be able to give myself this new kind of harmony, this new kind of field and reality where I am able to relate to my being and its various states from the heart in this way like I never have before. 

 

To be or not to be... Neither... To love and know how to love, truly.

With the full force of being.

 

Session:

When I begun this session I was feeling so disconnected, slipping back and fourth with regular consciousness it was difficult for me to believe in myself but it only took some moments before my consciousness received the same jolt of awareness it usually does from the heart.

I was transported to a scene where my heart send the frequency to my brain a projection whereby I was imagining someone I loved about to be hurt and she was screaming my name, I pulled out a personal bow and arrow (I don't actually own one) and show the man. The man flew from the ground and slammed against the wall where he was left hanging dead in a matter of a few moments a few feet from the ground. Needless to say this was a trusty bow and arrow!

My brain also took me back and fourth between some traumatic memories that I'm slowly working up the right energetic frequency to share in my journal here but will take some time to actually describe in my journal.

The feeling is a big jolt as well, reflective of what I have mentioned earlier about the shaking that occurs sometimes to try to distract me from focusing in on the heart as a survival response from the body which I realise now was likely something that was trained in early childhood to teach me that I couldn't trust with an open heart, so I'm programmed to dissociate more than connect, thus all of this work in simplified described form is merely the process of retraining that response in myself. 

I feel really good about this session, I don't really feel the need to go too much into anything this time and it feels good to be able to trust that response. I just want to get used to trusting my hearts intuition with every entry that I concede to making here.

Exit to this entry:

With all the worlds possible souls

I have ended up with this one

Given to me at the birth of the universe

And onwards I go with it to the end

In my final beam the same as the first

Like a flash of birth and death, I am here and gone with no in between and every in between being a reincarnating moment to the extent that we have the ability to understand our beings to their depth and express that understanding through the fortitude of our actions towards

This potential once always thought lost in the midst of the despair that can come at wandering disconnection, dissociation that keeps one trapped in a hall of broken mirrors pointing anywhere but good, has broken through the looking glass

And there is no looking back

For this old soul

(I genuinely feel like I've reincarnated on this plain many times, at least in the spirit of this moment relative to the present frequency of my being)

 

 

[ll Ontology ll]

Intro #12 - (repost to include Heart Check at end): 

Our mental life, of solitude and great reflection this can be, however when we make our mental life a part of who we describe ourselves to be, how we connect to the very essence of existence itself., we have faltered, prefacing this of course with the fact that I of course emphatics with unavoidable dispositions in the sense of childhood trauma say, that is unmissable, this is more a negotiation of the terms that align us with life and those that don’t. Terms of which, are a journey and discover process of what connects and unites us with an indivisible connection to life and that which does not while avoiding the latter and moving to the former, on the terms of the former and no other terms. 

Based on the “buyer behaviour” inherent to our psychology many of us have inherited a “selling behaviour” and planted this within our psychology as a form of hidden advertisement that binds us to terms on how to begin and act in relationships that are untrue to the nature of our being. It had become engraved in our materialistic reality that we will be bonded to each other based on those terms as a course of western though, rather than some intangible immaterial means such as the purist thing we know to this universe that wants us to begin it at all, love and truth. Do we ever want to stay in relationships where there is the complete opposite? And what is it that ever interrupts the flow of such a relationship that based on the embodiment of truth and love as a natural consequence of being connected and united to our being in the described natural way of reflecting the purist toe to life? For the first question, it goes against our survival and for the second question often in todays times it is a false material reality which usurps the purity of narratives, ties and vines that have been established between two or more people. Relationships in western society have become undemocratic, unnecessarily solipsistic, totalitarian and communistic (I.e. over compartmentalisation), there is no great sense of liberty which is the origin of consciousness itself. How can we hold a relationship that does not start from a principle of Liberty when such a principle or even law is inherent to the nature of truth and love which is what makes it so inherent? 

As above, so below. So we have inner love, truth and liberty so too will we have not only sovereignty as a consequential outcome to these three but we will also be much more inclined to hold the space for the respect that our relationships will endure through this filter.

Where our views of the world do not align with the natural flow of our bodies so too will we feel constrained in return of the world influencing us on these terms. This is often the consequence of insensible mental life, that is, where it is in contradiction with the laws that govern the peace, harmony, stability and prosperity of the human body and being. Thus insensible mental life is an act of self harm, to the mind, to and even sometimes from the heart, the rest of being and so too where it matters to everyone outside of yourself, the world around you and the one at large. 

We have not yet arrived at what is and what isn’t good mental life yet as I do not consider myself at the level of advancement I need to be to practice such best much less instruct it. I do however consider myself to instruct speech on the course of how mental life can go wrong and how it is important for mental life to be predicated on the health, well-being and growth of the heart first and foremost. Our heart constantly informs our perspectives and therefore our capacity to have Perspective with a capital P after we have gone through enough healing and growth with the heart, it is such then, that the heart is a matter of grave existential purpose for any bridge to intellectual life that has any value whatsoever to the nature of being. No matter how intelligent someone is, can I trust a wretched, wicked and corrupted fool with their philosophy if their hearts are too damaged to see consistently and feel consistently the truth of their own being and to express it, clearly and without unnecessary painful circumstances in that stretching? Which is why I do not consider myself fit at this present time to instruct philosophy, but I am earning my own honour with time to slowly get there and I will get there day by day, slowly with time.

So all these kids in philosophy schools these days and all these teachers. What on earth are they doing? Please someone tell me (meant figuratively), someone PLEASE tell me, what on earth are they doing wasting their time teaching philosophy to students philosophy before they have learned the philosophy of their hearts? And what about these teachers, to whom have emptied their souls so purely as to instruct words just as purely? Without unnecessary admiration nor judgement, but a seamless reconciliation with the understanding of his or her own being?

How about these buffoons of men and women getting into relationships when they can neither understand their hearts or their minds? Do they not heed statistics? Only when they are whole themselves on any picture of reality do they get to ignore the masses and what they do otherwise you are the masses! Is it bad to be the masses? No nor is it intrinsically good, I am the masses with respect to my own hearts intelligence, perhaps although I do not hold rank on this judgement, I am much worse in some respects I am still growing here let’s see by the end of the year, but in saying that, we want to grow. We’re all here to grow it’s why this site was made otherwise what are you doing here? Answer this silently within yourself, ask your heart deeply and act from the inevitable good intention that it provides you after enough inner-emotional-reflection.

To your mental life, may these words if any take heed. Remember your heart first and foremost and I remember, everything and I mean absolutely everything, will be alright.

 

———-

To my father, I will always love you but in some moments I have harboured hate, to this end I apologise to you not as a son, a servant or a slave to you but the sovereign being I am fastly becoming. To this end, I free myself and I free you, to relate to you now as man to man, and as a son, only where proper sentimentality has the sensibility of love and growth of my being.

 

Session: When I watch this scene in the context of my own role models in life, the effects my father has had on me, his ability to be a role model in my life, I cannot help but feel a sense of deep anguish, disappointment, sadness, shame and compassion all at the same time. And more. 
 

If…

If…

There is this game called if that we like to play with ourselves “if he had of done this, if this had of happened instead, if my mother never did the then…” and it goes on and on and on and on.

This is life and we are here in this moment and that’s that, everything else is a processing, integration and a growing from our experiences. This is what we can term “learned pain”, pain that is no more because we have emotionally and cognitively learned from our experiences enough that we have healed, grown and now we’re ready to get out there in the world again or much more to defend our deeper meaning and purpose in this life to the level of our heart felt intention and therefore again, again, again, because we need the full intentionality of the heart we must heal and grow it to its full potential if we want our purpose to truly sit at the top of the mantle piece as it should and where and to the extent that this purpose genuinely lives in love and truth.

So we can’t play the game called if unless we’re genuinely learning from our mistakes. My father possesses very little cognitive empathy and for the very little cognitive empathy that he has it has been all twisted up by life’s experience and by all our arguments since childhood before I even came to realise what I was dealing with. My father is as tough as bricks and for a kid that was coming to him from the traumatic environment I was, he had no idea what he was doing and through the neglect and lack of supportive presence he had in my life in the way I needed it he was very disappointing as a father. I really felt like a slave to him growing up rather than someone he truly wanted to mentor as I would want to mentor a son. It severely injured me when we couple this with the fact that he has been overly gratuitous to my sister simply because “she’s a girl” and it was just covertly accepted in my family that that was that and that was normal in the context of things, even though some of my other family members have consoled me in this respect in some ways as it was very well known the black and white way he treated the two of us. My father was completely and utterly oblivious to the thoughts and feelings of those around him when he switched off his warm association with them. Have a warm association and he’s as good as any honourable man under the sun. My father lived a life of high integrity, principles that were embodied and passed on by my grandfather, however nurturing was never his strong suit when it came to “boys”, he has an incredibly nurturing side however only to those he perceives as infantile. He just expected me to be as rough as guts and as honourable as the most honourable person, never and I mean never truly empathising with my pain outside of basic things that never lasted long enough to enter the planning side of his mind regarding how that would then change the way he related to me. His demeanour towards me instead of making me feel like he was a strong masculine role model instead made me feel isolated and his lack of ability to understand me made me feel tremendous shame growing up especially when we tie this with the unfair support he gave my sister. If he understood me, I reckon he would have been the best father in the world. That’s what hurts so much. Like it really, really hurts because it created so much damage to our relationship in so many ways.

There are many hidden nuances and greater categories here that for now escape reason to say but I just feel the impetus to share this freely now in this moment.

 

 

Exit to this session:

Father, I now see you eye to eye

Of all eyes across the universe 

Of all ways in which eyes have not met

And how our eyes have blinded each other, have blocked one another and have clouded our senses 

I am the one left standing, now holding slowly beginning to hold your hand again

To guide you to the rest of your life

As you meet the end of yours

Of lovers nest, my egg hatched and you both (mother) entangled with time and time entangled with time and here we are

I am the one left responsible to clean all of this up

Not as a son, to either of you, while managing to maintain a sons love in spite of everything towards the both of you

But as a fastly becoming sovereign being, responsible for the chores and duties of the universe, as we were all meant to become, for all of us as one

I am a still a long way from being the man I need to become, but I am on my way

I do not care so much about making either of you proud, a lot of that from one grace would feel weird in many ways, but if proud is what you become, I hope it is before the end of your lives

To you both, may you both live the rest of your lives responsibly as you enter elderly age and enter all the problems with that

To this I have the same responsibility towards the both of you that you had for me, in one sense I have a feeling of “isn’t it ironic” but I have a greater sense of compassion, understanding and responsibility that lives in me to acknowledge a greater sense of purpose in this life

My love for you, my disappointment, my pain, all of these are different stories

And all of them, I take with me

May you still, take me with you

With love, with unity, with wisdom

 

 

 

Once a month "Heart Check":

Preface this with --- just quick random checks, don't take the musicianship seriously haha.

So once a month now I'm going to do what I've termed a "Heart Check" before I begin my training (pertaining to this Work) with my voice, our voice reveals the emotional body.

As I listen back to this I am already noticing that I can better sense my own emotions underneath, I have a sense of shame revealing my emotional body in this way I've gotten so good at hiding it my whole life that its difficult to reveal myself as purely as this but that's just how it is. 

You can already tell if you compare the two audios available in the soundcloud that there's a clear difference, I mean, obviously in the first one there there's just a lot more sadness and dissociation I wasn't even present of like if you recall I couldn't even label my emotions and I couldn't even tell you what the voice sounded like I was feeling but now I'm getting better at that. I was kind of shocked today when listening to it again that I was able to better identify what I was feeling in my emotional body by listening to the voice again.

The voice is now really my only objective measure now on my emotional body moving forward like I can just tell my mind hides so much from me and its gotten so good at it for most of my life that I really need something that's going to tell me accurately where my body is and I can't see anything better than the voice.

I haven't trained my voice for quite a long time now and to be honest I don't really see the point anymore until I'm done with this heart work because its not like my voice is in much need of it like I've got the raw basics down based on how I want to sing, that is sing in a way that reveals the truth of being as much as possible.

I just don't want to release a whole bunch of morbid albums and I don't want to release albums that run contrary to reality, as in, where I'm being something I'm not. There's a balance with respect to morbidity and health of being from an "artists" perspective however I want to unify that perspective with a "spiritual" one where I am conscious of what I'm putting out there into the world and the kind of change and influence that I want to have with my work.

Compared to where I was and even yesterday its probably so easy to tell for people that are more nuanced in their observations that I've made considerable breakthroughs with this journal in my own ability to connect with myself, its beyond what I expected to be honest, I just followed my intuition and this time its paid off for me and I've still got ways to go based on my voice to really see the full benefit.

Thanks so much again for everyone's support, won't let you down in terms of continuing to honour the integrity of this journal, as wisely as possible I will introduce things that add to its value more and more overtime, I over crowded things there for a little bit with things I shouldn't have and I think I've reached a good balance with doing these "intro's", I think sticking to that and just adding to that design is a good move in general will just take things gently moving forward.

Still deciding on an orca whale pic for my profile picture but we'll see how that goes as well haha.

And I promise you, after my training my heart feels much more centered and "higher" than what is revealed and can be sense in the depths within my voice here so its not like I'm pretending in any way if you see me act incongruently to what's represented with the voice where I just sing as truly, authentically and naturally as possible in revelation.

Take care.

 

https://soundcloud.com/private-universe-world/heart-check-9th-of-may-before

 

(Still got many emotions to process here, still got a session later today so will have another intro later tonight, maybe two intro’s a day we’ll see how we go though, these are all I’ll do now, this format)

[ll Ontology ll]

An introduction to my future journaling here:

No longer a ghost becoming more and more alive inside.

So this morning I’ve been noticing myself dissociate which is a fantastic thing because it means my emotional awareness has improved from yesterday in the sense that I’m now beginning to notice when I’m in tune with my mind versus wherever else who knows where that is, so things are improving day in and day out considerably for me and every day I look forward to what the next day will bring for me, something that I have literally and I mean never stated in my entire life.

Remember, all the exercise involves is the simple act of paying attention to my heart and learning from the information that it sends consciousness through this interaction via the expression of emotional modalities to many other phenomenological properties of being that you yourself will develop an intuition for. Go to intro #9 to reconvene with the information as needed.

My feelings more and more are transforming to greater and greater nuanced expressions in the sun of things. My consciousness is becoming more and more aware of my minds conditioning through continuing the growth of this feedback loop with my heart. Every impulse falls under the light of the sun as opposed to the light of the moon where my sense of being only received translation from a fucking eclipse bitches. Now I’m riding that wave and I want you to find yours. Yesterday was the first time I recognised myself in the mirror, I know right… not in the literal sense but in the felt experience, nothing cathartic happened like crying down on my knees begging you please god take me back to the kingdom of heaven, no none of that crap. Not yet at least we’ll see what leaves of gods fart bombs find there way through my emotional nostrils. 

Every impulse, every sense, to be emotional without sense is nauseating to our consciousness, we’ve all been there like never any jack and sally had a makeout, to be senseful without emotion is to justify what you don’t need simply because you don’t have it even though you got it you’re just dissociating from it. When you’re child you’ve got no options in front of you, you’re young and you’re having fun and you’re just getting older and that’s your life and that’s how it was me, I didn’t have any great sunbeams of mentoring light come into my life, so I saw it as normal to have an ambivalent relationship with my mother and to be used as a tool or invisible with my father. 

I received a phone call from my father today and as most of you know Mother’s Day has recently past and I didn’t contact her. For the first time I didn’t feel guilty for answering, like I didn’t have to prove my own love to him to myself by either answering or following the false absent feeling of feeling the need to call him back. He’s been abusive to me my whole life for the most part so I need healthy boundaries. But we’ve got the door slammed on any buckets of sympathy tissues here I’m just rolling it high stakes for this particular entry. I now have my own personal goals in relation to my parents for the first time ever and for the first time ever I feel a sense of sovereignty in relation to that even though I haven’t lived with them for over ten years. My own personal goals are love and only love and well, my own intelligent boundaries are needed there as opposed to the patterns they’ve been following their whole life in relation to me. “Oh boy our son has flipped the script that’s my orca!”

Saying hello, welcoming the next entries that are going to come, smiling with the eyes of a shooting star looking forward to what this day will bring slowly shining it’s way through the top of my skull to finally end this thing that I was so oblivious I had. 

Never let anyone convince you that you’re anything but love and that you deserve love from a place of love (already inclusive of truth, freedom and sovereignty as that’s true life)!!!

Welcome to my journal, from here on out official entries with no more shit posting outside the full expression of my personality with each entry, through every emotional wavelength and beyond that I am eager to learn!

 

 

 

Edited May 10, 2022 by ll Ontology ll

[ll Ontology ll]

So others can learn from my life experiences as well.

Much love, wisdom and truth to you all.
 

I still see games on the forum, cut it out. Remember truth and work for it, the truth of love, the truth of wisdom, the truth of life, the truth of you (which isn’t silly games).

Peace to you:

 

 

Edited May 10, 2022 by ll Ontology ll

[ll Ontology ll]

10 minutes ago, ll Ontology ll said:

Recap on Journal: 

Re-reading this journal my automatic response is, “Did I really write that?”, yep. I should re-read it before each daily session, find out angles to sink to deeper levels that I’m presently struggling to get to on non-artificial terms, the mental stuff that clouds our truest access to the subconscious mind in its relationship to the heart and as I’m slowly discovering other more nuanced aspects of being, like the belly which can contain emotional conflict, certain parts of the head that contain mental energy, and more.

Stay focused on your truth, if you don’t know it, study truth to work it out.

 

Yes this is all about noticing subtler and subtler patterns in my reflected energy, to re-inject it back into my consciousness where my being sees it anew, to become triggered again and through those subtle triggers and in the general understanding of things, notice those subtler patterns that I then carry with me and re-reflect or invent into something greater.

[ll Ontology ll]

Alignment, Connection, Direction and Earning our Distinction:

On the note above don’t beat yourself up for not being able to connect with some of the information that consciousnesses produces through this exercise like lost dormant memories or worse when your consciousness isn’t able to connect at all, it can take a lot of practice, so just keep practicing is the only real, honest and true spirit of things, we have to agree even though our minds may wish to live in denial even for only a brief moment to sidetrack us from this both permanent mystery and salvation, that every other direction chosen is of course, unequivocally, a false one.

Questions for myself:

1. For whatever traumatic memory, can you process the experience in a healthy way? The same too for any memory at all, can I life in the experience as I am meant to experience the emotions as a fully aligned being? Or do I feel disconnected from the event, estranged? Self ostracised? And that other word that I’m just tired of repeating but we all know what it is by now if you’ve been following my journal.
2. How long can I stay connected to whatever information my consciousness is receiving? Is it brief or long? Do experiences linger or take too long to create themselves, or do they run in a healthy way?
3. Sense any feeling you’re experiencing, what experiences live behind those vibrations and how well do I do exposing myself to the learning and transmuting of them? 
4. How do I feel right now in this moment and what does it inform me of regarding how connected vs not I am? What strategies do I have to move more into a connected state based purely on how I engage with and relate to the experiences and actions within and as consciousness?

 

I’ll end with a leading question - personally though as I’ve stipulated I do my best to refrain from these for the purpose of following the intuition of the heart and learning to align and find its greatest depths:

5. For whatever feeling, vibration, etc, when was the last time that I felt this emotion? What was missing in that experience to process it in a more healthy way? 

6. And always ending with this question to always stay connected to future learning. What else could I learn from this moment right now be it any kind of experience?

 

Edited May 11, 2022 by ll Ontology ll

[ll Ontology ll]

Transitions: Being in a place of allowance, acceptance, integrity and positive esteem

A natural transition will occur where it will feel more and more natural to include your brain as your perception is becoming better and better at feeling and noticing its own energy signatures, this is when its time to open the space right up for the mind to have a positive relationship with the heart rather than stalling growth through only passively connecting with the brain however connected you may feel you are with the heart. It's kind of like pushing with all your energy a floater in this case your awareness all the way down the bottom of the ocean and not expect it to come back up after you let go. No, after you've done enough necessary connection and clearing, the growth to now include is in now strengthening that connection with brain and heart but only as incrementally, subtly and in as nuanced of a way as possible. Though remember, as you're allowing that energy to come back up and you're differentiating what is again, remember to push back down to the heart, so on and so fourth, inclusive of any other necessary areas of the body like the belly as I've recently mentioned. This analogy is overly simplified as well because remember we're creating a channel between the two, a communication channel, which you now have, so often it will feel symbiotic and it will more and more become this as training endures the growth that will come.

I noticed this while sitting down near the supermarket, it became apparent to me that I was actually without even knowing it dissociating from saying the word dissociating, I didn't want to have to experience the connected emotion, which was shame, that is, the shame that can come from realising that you've been in a dissociated state that you're now growing from, so instead of experiencing that feeling, my consciousness decided as you can notice, reject that possibility and instead opt for the feeling of frustration the exhalation pretending that everything was alright afterwards and that this was just "a regular work shift I have to make through at the supermarket", and no I do not work at a supermarket.

Edited May 11, 2022 by ll Ontology ll

[ll Ontology ll]

 

Introduction #13:

Much love and respect to all souls here. Deeply devoted to the long term results of this journal and everything that can be shared here so I’ve restricted myself from formal posts like these from now on other than simple in between posts that will be deleted after every formal entry from now on to make it easier for readers. For authenticity though I don’t want to delete the past really unless it’s truly necessary, some posts I may but it really depends on where the energy evolves moving forward overall I just want to make the right decision.

My grammar by the way will also improve I’ll make sure I double check entries, for transparency I don’t want to edit previous ones so that we can look at this from the frame of growth and progress. It’s discernible… haha, that’s what matters, though my philosophical gestures there if any have less potency there that’s all.

The emotions that bind us all together are the most important and they’re all the emotions that we store in our heart which in return regulate the rest of our body. As I think of you, whoever you are, there is information from the emotional to the cognitive that my being creates which tells me who my being thinks you are relative to me emotionally, spiritually, psychologically and in every other way in that moment as that moment for that moment that this information appears. This information in return regulates my body from the heart in the same way that the same information that my being creates about my own existence including this idea of my, being and existence itself. It does this from the heart but in relationship to and with the brain and our aware consciousness (i.e. mind though I don’t really like the word kind to be honest, I feel like it’s been misused in culture a lot) is the regulatory mechanism of this link concerning connection vs disconnection. What I have become aware of is that through this simply exercise I do of simply paying attention to the heart as I noted in intro #9, inclusive then and to further elaboration as noted in other intros, the feedback loop of the information of consciousness, of heart and the self regulatory mechanism between these two that we can refer to as awareness say for example through brain, I have learned to continue to create a stronger and stronger connection through this means and therefore increasingly separate myself with negative relationships and connect myself with positive relationships. 

A negative relationship here is simply one that is unnatural and therefore not conducive to the potentialisation of being and a positive relationship is natural therefore conducive to the potentialisation of being. 

This then gets me to my next point where to me, life is about the positive expression of free energy now. Now although I said that I was not yet ready for philosophising of life until I have fully completed my training for this journal, such a sentiment of course is thus solely contained by its relationship to our being and more pertinent to this journal, our heart, and for me for all practical purposes concerning here, the alignment and connection/s between the heart, consciousness and mind. As I have expressed, over and over, just to help drill in the point where we’re here emphasising the heart over the mind including aware consciousness over mind and brain itself too while recognising the important connections where they matter most to the work here. Back to our starting point, four words, “positive”, “expression”, “free” and “energy”. This exercise the I am increasingly developing my understanding of from a practical level has been showing me that it makes my energy increasingly more positive through the free expression from negative energy, negative in the context of this journal is where energy days become too clogged and creates a state of dissociation which can even create a positive feedback loop towards becoming more dissociated as you’re encouraged less and less to tap into the heart. This last point links into what I mentioned before with respect to how I felt like my heart experienced electric shocks (I.e. when laughing) and as if I as being stung by ice picks, more than this, recall how I noted that to even stay with heart through any long duration I would have to survive “shaking” responses created by the body to ensure that I didn’t stay with the exercise.

Back on track to my everyday experience it’s become obvious that I am more and more beginning to develop sense of cohesive self that my awareness was previously separated by which goes back to earlier journals including recent ones where I reflect a growing connection and unpredictable positive development here.

I’ve been paying particular attention to my heart today trying to maintain as much connection as possible, worried that if I don’t pay attention I’ll become disconnected again and that will open up dissociation that puts me in a state where I’m unable to engage my being enough that my consciousness produces an intelligent (inclusive of emotional wavelength) link with existence, not to infer of course that my being becomes “anti-existence” more in the sense of “anti-self” in an unconstructive way.

I sometimes notice myself taking for granted one state over another and it is tendencies like these along with further analogous connections that are going to help me continue to develop my awareness here.

I feel mostly positive at the moment however I said something a little earlier that produced a bit of negative energy that I’m going to spend some time inside learning how to transmute better, it feels good to self honestly reflect and reveal my state something that I’m still getting used to in light of this slowly building self I’m building.

I feel that I’m getting closer and closer to relationships with my brains mental life of the self and not just my bodies which was one of the goals of this work, the noted example above being of course developing a sincere relationship with my future self which I believe is going to add a positive relationship with my ability to self regulate states like those noted in the previous paragraph.

Three new realisations I had today which I feel are a consequence of my growing self were, consciousness is simply a byproduct of universal consciousness it both is and isn’t a big deal. It’s a big deal because all of life is a big deal and it’s not a big deal because all of life is a big deal. The second is that I’m going try out this idea I came up with where I’m asking questions from my heart with my body just to generate a more energetic feedback loop with the heart. I feel that the more of my body I use to ask a question to my heart the more involved my being at the heart energetic level gets involved. I feel that this may be especially useful to those that have a history of dissociation so they’re disconnected from their bodies due to past trauma. The third realisation is that there is a communication channel between energy, consciousness awareness and heart which relates to my earlier introduction about regulating state but that I’ll slightly add a nuance to here in further communication of the earlier goal about learning how to change state. So I believe that the angle for transmutation or at least what I’m finding success with in this order is (1) become aware of the bodies energy (2) already decide that you’re going to make this a transmutational point (3) carry that energy high up into aware consciousness which is say around the perimeter of your being above your shoulders (4) from aware consciousness communicate to your brain to channel this energy to your heart so that your heart can get to work with respect to giving you information about this energy and transiting it simultaneously (5) you continue to perform this exercise waiting for and while learning from the information that is generated from your consciousness over and over, as it comes, sometimes patience is an important aspect, and you do so until you reach the higher balance that you were after. Another important point that’s still in development from the practical sense is the channeling of all energy from the body (especially where stated energy feels comparatively “negative”, including “mental energy” say as it pertains to how I began this introduction with respect to transmuting the associations and relationships we have built up pertaining to any all all living beings in existence to a “Free Energy State”) and from the described conscious aware state and intuitively adjusted as needed there. If the frees energy my intuition is that energy can be transferred from all areas of our being towards the heart to free up and reach that “ideal” of the described higher balance.

See what I’ve realised for me is that the hearts a natural freer of energy is doesn’t want to keep it trapped it’s a continuous pump but if our aware consciousness doesn’t know how to use this pump our heart can become clogged which creates previously noted problems aka an over-survival response that inevitably leads to dissociation that can branch out into many other nasty places as well.

Okay great well this concludes the end of the introduction I think we’re off to a great start here. Thank you everyone I hope you’re all doing okay, read my earlier journals and realise that I deeply know your pain whatever you’re going through. I have a lot of high expectations for myself and genuinely I have a lot of high expectations for myself and genuinely I am still developing the empathic awareness I want to in order to ensure the lessons I’ve learned from my past experiences which includes remembering where I came from so I can remember where people are coming from in their struggles are reflected by that. Even though I have an intuitive feel for things in this area I feel that it would be better enhanced if I continued to grow this complementary aspect of myself.

 

 

Session:

I feel right now like my skull wants to jump out of my skin and scream the universe from my eyes I am that frustrated with my present state of being. I am ANGRY at my parents, the world and myself included for allowing this to happen, for not noticing myself and the world around me enough through the eyes of psychological distinction enough that I would transmute this world out of my ass so all that remains is the purity of life in front of my eyes via the fluidity of my being.

I feel a chaos turning because I cannot feel alive and I know deep inside this lack of consistent aliveness, this constant shifting back and fourth between alive and not alive due to this dissociation, is the reason for why I have often sought after a non-disclosable preoccupation with my imagination in the past (something that I've shared briefly in another journal here) to at the very least have enough dopamine to make it through life. 

I feel like I have been stabbed by a sorcerer from an alien civilisation where their weapon of choice that they have refined as a part of their master craft is the induction of an irreversible condition of dissociation to the point of a catatonic state that I only survived out of luck, and now only out of luck am I surviving this condition now.

The clouds loom in my mind again, crashing and smashing up against each other and the only freedom I have from this state is in describing through the use of my imagination, otherwise I feel stolen, lost, forgotten as I "SHOULD BE", that suggestion somehow planted in my subconscious, circling about like thunderstorms in those dark clouds to imbue a sense of fear in the child that is hiding in the forest below for cover. I am lost, naked in the woods at 8-9 years of age and the only way through is a late afternoon where the night is turning quickly and predators of this never to be chartered before forest are to come awake and find their dinner. 

I feel like this state is obsolete, disposable, rejectable and shameable which is likely what produces the dissociation itself and it is something that I am unable to play like air in a flute with finger holes waiting to be plugged but the air will not escape my lungs with the right intensity and closeness. So I am trapped in the dungeon again in front of the whole world, where literally the whole universe could see me if this dungeon were visible with the naked eye. That's the way I feel when walking around in regular life and how I have felt growing up in my familial environment, this observation with its necessary rectification was available to all of us but when I played my flute, this flute as a kid, it didn't matter how well I played it with all the lack of training that I had, no body heard it and if they heard it they didn't see it enough, I didn't see enough nor did I see enough of life confined period where life confined is the definition of a hundred year span contained in the palm of my hand and how I would play out this life. But here I am, STUCK, without enough awareness at this point to align with the destinations of my choosing within my being. 

I will spend as much time this afternoon and tonight just training and training and training to secure this new level I'm on while trying to turn the pages of this part of my history in this book of life to get to the next level so that tomorrow I feel a little more connected, I feel the suns light through my eyes and on my skin with a little more fidelity and spirit of the everlasting youth of the universe.

 

Exit to this Session:

Turned over, lost and forgotten

Mum throws me in the dumpster as apparently I'm rotten

In another moment, Gods gift, mum can't you irresponsibly decide once more entangled cotton

As I empty these words I didn't know I had, I realise that I just have to continue to let them out and out and out, live and let live and learn... To trust

This process, is a must

Playing the flute once more, if not anyone else, Self, please fucking listen

Love/Hate (partial to understand).

 

 

New sentiments - Rules of thumb:

• If my state is not in a complete “Free Energy State” I don’t really trust it and I don’t really trust western or eastern ideas of any sort that may run contrary to developing full authority over our capacity to produce this state. Endless diligence, endless prudence.
• Just let it out, whatever it is, write and write and write, let it out, don't do the whole "waiting for the perfect moment"
• don’t need to force a reaction in the body nor do I at all need to react from a forced reaction within the body, I am now at a stage where I am simply learning the fine art of the maneuvering of energy with the described exercise and then (1) the body moves itself in that direction with a natural Will for the former  (2) the body regulates itself to become a natural Will for the latter (so you’re not controlled by unwanted reactions)

Edited May 11, 2022 by ll Ontology ll

[ll Ontology ll]

Introduction #14:

The brain is the creative reasoning centre for the hearts expression, creativity is so important for not only a balanced heart and mind but also to both their extension and Ultimate link, in their drive for self comprehension, in unity, that is afforded to them by the realities that they inhabit and co-create together.

With every keystroke, with every piano key push, with every paint brush stroke or any of their relatives… In this act of determining the movements of the heart through the minds choice of creative expression, we use the brain as a vessel for creativity for the heart that the heart would not be able to otherwise label and express through standard means of communication to itself, much less know and understand itself through that expression. As a nervous system becomes increasingly more complex, so too, does its capacity for nuance in felt experience and subsequent expression. Though, if language cannot adequately design what is there nor attention through attention alone properly feel through feeling alone without the understanding and expression of that modality, then a nervous system will indeed suffer and the heart will inadequately console the dance between tragedy and success with, in and as life.

When we're born, we're obviously born without our language and creative capacities enhanced to express our hearts that are already filled with the pains and joys of our life, instead these feelings and expressions largely lay dormant within us until we have the wisdom to slowly release these tensions when we generate an insight like the ones that I have shared about memories being stored in the cellular architecture of our hearts and how creativity is the force we're to use to unleash them. 

The greater complexity by which an organism experiences the environment combined with the sensitivity of those experiences felt and otherwise such as the numerous modalities of intuition that we have, the more that suffering is going to be magnified in stated organism if it does not have a conduit for that expression, such is the space between the open space of our working memories, our capacity to concentrate our energy on parts of our being like our heart and the utilisation of consciousness to unearth those stored and experiences within the heart and the body to be released through the chosen creative modality. 

In my case, I choose writing, piano and drawing. Everyone needs to find what is best for them and to the extent that you find your own nervous system profile aligning with stated descriptions in anyway, i.e. correspondence with HSP constructs, it is my recommendation to find the best modality that is going to enable you to express the experiences that bombard you on a day to day basis so you can re-address both subtlety and impact that the world had on you for that day. To the extent the level of complexity that your nervous system has is not matched by an equal level to express and creatively organise the information inclusive of felt experience, is to the extent that stated nervous system will begin to incur increasingly more problems, especially the more chaotic an environment becomes. When our brains have fully developed, we're able to turn what we weren't able to express in our earlier years into a creative experience in the present moment to bring about consolidation and integration of our nervous system in ways that it was not able to achieve in those earlier years within its cellular memory hard-drive.

In this context, I see the brain as an empty vessel but bound by the plastic neural architecture that is waiting to be intelligently directed through its connection to the heart, a vessel containing all the energies that are waiting to be released using the brain as a conduit to not only its expression, but to the both of them, where expression remains creative, their healing, growth and creative potentialisation (aka, once the heart is wired up to creatively express itself properly through the brain, there's just no predicting what creative directions things could go in the long term). 

Our brains do not know what is true, instead our brains tell us what is true based on the order it can bring to its present informational contents. Our hearts tell us what is true through feeling and instinct, honed and passed down generationally. Because our brains live in comparative order and our hearts comparative chaos, it is important to realise that the truth is something that we're continually realising, not only this, but in connecting the dots well here, we can realise that not only is the brain a conduit for the creative expression of the heart, but in the continual discovery, determination and realisation of truth. This enables us to continually live in a "reborn state" where this is the only state that we more or less live in, as such, we align with the creative laws of the universe, as the universe doesn't understand static, in fact, some may argue that the way it acts is a perfect reflection of embodying this relationship of creative expression and communication between the heart and the brain as an ongoing process of truth discovery, revelation and creation.

 

 

 

 

Session:

Mum, just a few days ago was Mothers Day, where you were reminded by each of your children’s births and the life that you lived and shared with them.

How did it make you feel to not receive a call from me?

I know, I know, you probably went out with a friend that may or may not be in a similar dilemma, perhaps you spent the day with a man that took you out to a nice restaurant.  I remember all of your boyfriends mum, sometimes I feel that you remembered them more than you remembered us. You did your best, this much is true. With your level of emotional, cognitive and psychological maturity, what else could have my mother have done other than continue to run away from knowing and learning the depths of love and truth? Is this my self-indoctrination or was your life merely reflective of your limits? Were we all just following a deterministic script? Was your pain and the pain that you inflicted on each one of us including the pain that we inflicted on you, just a part of life’s script? What else could we have done if we had zero learning and what more could have changed if we had more learning?

Behind these words is a sadness, a sadness in the years that you have chosen not to reflect on your actions, your life and our collective decisions in relation to each other, that you would rather just run on the spirit of the moment as you normally do “Oh my kids still hate me so that’s that dark they’re going to do what they like they’re old enough to look after themselves you know what I mean?”, purely spinning and speaking from the engine of your emotions without or little dialogue with the learnings of life that we’re all here to bring to ourselves and the world at large. I feel shame and disappointment with what you have accomplished in light of your abilities, you could have brought so much more, with that shame and disappointment, I feel a coupling of just deep sadness, missing the life that you could have had and wondering if I will have any time left still to make things right, to make things right after I have made things right inside of me. In relation to you, which I feel like yeah there’s nothing you can do all of the processing and pain is on my side now its all my responsibility I get that ma, I get that, I get that… I get that. And you, how will you live your life after I figure out a way to build a new nest for you when I am ready… To look after you, while always knowing the full limits of what life I will never be able to properly give you relative to life’s full expression. What do I do? What do I do? What would you do if I gave you a world where you had no limits over where you could go in the world, no limits over what you could buy, who you could talk to and form a relationship with, no limits on the paths you could take in your own personal development? What would you do ma? What would you do ma?

You will never know how deeply you are in my heart and I will never know how deeply I am in yours, for the love I have I cannot have you fully receive it and have you give it back in return, at least not now, not in this world where I can see or speak to you when the world inside is a world blind without the wisdom I need to cross that bridge with yet. But one day, and too, soon enough.

 

Exit to this Session:

Ashes to ashes

Life to life

Boy oh boy, this boys in strife

Mother won't you kill me now? 

Do it better than the last time?

Maybe this time I won't haunt you again, or was it you that haunted me?

I feel that it was love, was it not? That did all the haunting, not its loss, lack or in giving of this love

No, in its confusing nature, that its nature was not always whole

Instead I see these shards of broken mirror

I look and what do I see? 

Not me or you, not even a broken heart, just stuff all tangled up

Mother, mother, won't you let me untangle it all now?

 

 

 

 

New additions - just adding from the previous add on, will explain this in the next intro instead:

New technique/adaptation that I'll mention in the next introduction instead of the one in the quoted text is typing continuously, which I'll refer to as "active tuning", while listening into the heart. 

Same exact thing but now I'm typing every little feeling and impression along with the projections that form in consciousness that form in their natural heart-brain correspondence and connection.

So its an additional action without any subtraction to the original technique along with pointers (still learning to bring everything together there), simply because I struggled so hard today to get anything out to say, I mean as anyone knows that read my journal hours ago I started early in the morning for a while, got nothing, started back, got nothing, until I just decided "Okay fuck it I'm just going to write whatever and see what comes out then run with it as that's what's fucking true aye". 

 

 

Edited May 11, 2022 by ll Ontology ll

[ll Ontology ll]

Introduction #15:

(all typed in one go on iPhone)

 

To continue our discussion, I have realised that every aspect of our body is a conduit for the hearts expression.

We always were, are and will be expressing our bodies (inclusive of the human brain) through the heart, it is simply a matter of whether we are silencing the heart and causing damage in this respect or listening to the heart with the greatest of sincerity.

The heart is in constant fluctuation of inner narrative and it is desiring for this constant fluctuation to be heard as an extrinsic creative surmise with the entirety of the body as a vessel for its changing underlying forms. This is why the human brain is so important and perhaps why it is so creative because it was designed to be the canvas by which the heart could paint on using the brains sophistication also as it’s composer relative to its present capacities, which modify according to the intensity and longevity of this expression. With all great creatives, we have always been listening to their heart. Perhaps with this newfound knowledge, you can become one of the creatives that we listen too, with diligence, practice and true alignment with the truth of the heart and holding the sturdiness of this.

Now when I say your whole body I mean it, I mean how you use your eyes, ears and all other portals to the rest of your senses and abilities, the heart upon full activation in this respect, is like the never ending heart beat of the universe, your body will forever be in expression of its wonders. Now you know the secret to “motivation” when in reality this is of course just a naive screenplay we were told by society was a bible, that is, this thing about “always having to be motivated” and if we weren’t we were somehow bad, when in reality, for true motivation, where that motivation is the truest, not artificial like the minds phantoms and projections that control and regulate the wellbeing of most people indoctrinated in these and related ways, when it is truly from and with the heart with the lens of the felt-aware experience, this is when we don’t even think about or consider motivation, we just are, we are motivated to listen to and act as the unfolding creative source of the universe there is no time really to waste thinking about it.

Another, “the eyes are the windows to the soul”, sentiments like these can now be understood through the lens of when someone is listening to their healed growing heart, they are looking into the eyes of another and seeing how well they are connected to their hearts and in what ways. The heart paves the way to the expression of the otherwise imperceptible with all of its nuances, which is why we can tell so much when we look into the eyes of another, as one example. Because in listening to our hearts on how to see the world around us, when we come at it from that healed and growing sense, just as we have beauty in the heart we see the world through this more truthful lens and not just beauty, but the simplicity and purity of the world too. This is all experienced in subtlety and nuance, just as we see more of the subtlety and nuance of another in the expression of their hearts through their eyes and the rest of their being.

Now you’re ready to build a feedback loop between how your heart feels in relation to your bodily movement of any sort (including the brain, eyes and anywhere else) and the learning of the heart and in turn the learning of the body to modify both its movements and signal based on the movements of the heart. Notice how there’s greater fluidity in your self control, the greater ease by which you accomplish your strides in whichever direction, notice the nuance and leaps of learning that feel more spontaneous, youthful and discovery like. In short, your heart will teach you “how to walk and where to walk” and you will get better and better at applying this in every area with practice of the hearts expressions. It is false to assume that a heart is “wild and irrational” when too, even if it is in this state, it is using the brains intelligence and in doing so developing this intelligence in its ongoing expression.

So when you take in this wisdom and introspect on it to the point of personal change and empowerment, to the level that you’re able relative to the time spent, make it a part of your training to see the hearts of people through their expressions. In every bodily movement, in every pupil dilation, in every laugh and in every heart felt cry out of love and outpouring of love itself, so too, notice the opposite to this and where your heart has reached this level of development, perhaps intuit if it is appropriate to do so, add subtle signs for the other on how they can heal theirs, without attachment to their following of them, just a maintaining of the greater love you have found with life in the ongoing unfoldment of your heart using your whole being as a conduit for its ongoing and great expression.

 

 

Session:

The moons standing up so high, looking down on me. Of what do I owe the pleasure? To hear your movements run through me, to be eclipsed with the ignorance that I face when I look away from you, about you, a symbol for our ignorance of the world. To “reign in darkness” is what fear we have become in society, our norms so deluded and thus so contrary to reality and it’s pervasive existence, that if it acted on any part of its predatory nature, in an instant, we wouldn’t be able to defend ourselves. Our lives would be… Eclipsed. 

To this I owe words to the sun and my communication with you, how we can we work together to raise my being to a continually higher level and in that sunny-rain, whatever level of depths I must travel to in order to accomplish this, even if such suffering I now believe is a transgression to my newfound knowledge of the hearts beauties in the context of aligned striving, how can I listen better? What do I have to do? 

As I look up at the night sky now I see clouds overhead, covering the moon but bright shiny lights below reflecting my city with a long line of lights adjacent either side of the road symbolically might I add hitting the horizon line of darkness, the epitome of my initial statement here regarding how we as a species as a consequence of our technological fruits, “reign in darkness” rather than “spread the light”. In 10 hours or less I will begin to see the sun rise, may this sun, as it spreads through me as I encompass it when I stand with my shirt off while eating my breakfast on my balcony, taking all of life in, have life speak through me… speak through me… love is the light we must spread, and this light is not just the light of sentimentality but the light of the hearts highest beat and so too in this, it’s highest knowledge, of itself and the life that comes from it.

 

 

Exit to this session:

There are many wishes we can have in this life

But in this life I breath

May my breath be all that I wish outside

The truest most heart felt wishes

For I will sing again after this body has withered away

Again and again so goes reincarnation

Again and again then, “make this one truer, make this one truer.”

 

 

( will have another intro and session completed later tonight… and… you’re welcome! )

 

 

 

Edited May 12, 2022 by ll Ontology ll

[ll Ontology ll]

Leaving this comment right here - I fell, now it’s time to rise again:

So I got “beat”, I got my ass handed to me in the last few hours post the above.

The post just above was created from pre-piano heart-brain communication as I’ve talked about, which activates different parts of the heart and brain.

My training that followed though which is just aligned with the previous sentiments, that is, “typing out the heart”, I ended up being taken to the processing of several traumatic memories. 

In the end I went into “avoidance mode”, decided to take a break and that break turned into unintentionally falling asleep on the job.

I’m now awake and I’ll attempt things again but I just wanted to remind myself and others here for future notice, especially after a post like the above, that it’s thus a good time to compare and contrast the different effects that pre-priming is going to have on what gets produced in my writing, that one instance may show me to look “perfect” and then in another based on the training I undertake, certainly not based on what aspects of the heart and brain are activated in that communication between the two.

So I feel a little down, it’s okay though I’m putting my above theory and otherwise into practice, something I too have to become a master of, and overcoming this little set back by going to work straight away to get my second intro and session done before I head to sleep again, #16.

To cap, so yeah, you’ll have good moments and bad moments, your goal is to make sure that your ratio overall is filled with more good than bad because then you’ll still be improving every day in the long run, it won’t matter that you fell off the wagon sometimes that’s normal, that should happen eventually if you’re doing this work right.

All in all regardless, we gotta do our best to stay on that wagon, process things right and all the way. Have courage, perseverance, patience and resilience without self-punishment, treat yourself with love (i.e. compassion), the love inclusive of all these positives. All in all it’s important to understand how we respond to both success and failure, so that again, we can take the path that leads us down the truer end, however slightly more successful, it only needs to be a tiny nuanced improvement but if you can get that each time, eventually they start to add up into something big and we go to the next level, very naturally as well. It’s analogous to observing something beautiful in nature and paying attention to all of its subtleties that the less we have nuanced perception we aren’t able to appreciate and therefore miss out on that greater beauty.

Best.

 

[ll Ontology ll]

Introduction #16:

Misunderstanding the heart and its greatest complexities and more has by far been my greatest failing in life, but to what do we owe attention to the idea of failure in our lives? Well let me convince you for a moment that it is worth considering. To live in the moment in bliss and everything that can accompany that ecstatic experience, for the mere moment in which it exists, is sublime is it not? What about all the things that we did in our lives that took us away from this point? Let's argue for the moment that "bliss" is a desirable state in the objective sense that we should try to obtain and apply it as an analogy for states that we want to move towards vs away from, inclusive then of this work, the functioning of the heart in relation to the energy body of mind and spirit or arguably to its mirror brain and body. 

It is of great regret for me, let's just put aside blame for a moment, that I did not personally did not discover the value, purpose and instrumentality of the heart and its relationship to the rest of the functioning of being. It has undeniably caused me great issue with myself, my loved ones and everyone I have come into contact with in my life to the extent that my heart was not fully enlightened. 

Does this mean that I do not live in opposition in any respect by having an enlightened heart (to coin the term, maybe someone can google that and see if its new or not, so too an enlightened brain (let's lose the term mind for a moment)), or that any of us wouldn't? Not so far as saying that we wouldn't rebel outside the circumference of our enlightened hearts, an enlightenment that continues to grow with the experiences that we have been afforded with both physically and mentally, in our travels of body and in our travels of imagination.

When I have loved someone, I have not fully understood not so much the reasons but just the feeling interface upon which this love has been projected into and out of me again for its own lifespan, by the same extent, I have not understood the intensity of my own past hates, and deficits in either are a deficit in both, arguably.

There was always a hidden responsibility that for whatever reason I was never taught let's put this aside for the moment, but that I did not personally learn to fully unearth the propensities of the heart and for me this just seems quite unusual, to go so long as to not realise such an important aspect of our being and our brain included in this reference, in fact, to be positively reinforced to live in contradiction of it, seems like a disaster has occurred in my fellow social influences and myself communicating with this aspect of reality. 

To its opposite in fact, much was instead to the positive affirmative, the irresponsibility of the heart and the rest of our beings faculties was disproportionality favoured more than encouraged responsibility. To know our hearts in full just like to know and understand love in full, by the same measure, is the same responsibility we have to knowing our brains in full and how love can be actualised from the perspective of the endless imagination of the human brain.

Little example is needed for me to convince anyone here of this truth in our society, we merely need to note down all the positive reinforcement we received in subtle ways to not learn, to drink, to spend money, to have toxic relationships and so on and so fourth, all to both the detriment of our responsibility to our brain and heart, much more, the connection that binds them together which sows the key to us forming as whole, unified and fully expressive beings.

To not understand the love I have had for another and the various impulses it has brought inside of me is a mirror to any other misunderstanding I have ever had from an emotional sense with respect to not just another human but society as a whole. The heart is thus an endless gateway then for me, combined with the perception of mind, that as I shift from a state of healing to a state of growth as it concerns the heart and brain, progress can be more or less endless here as I continue to advance the way I interface with this energy which has been the intersection of decision making for all love relationships in my life, including with life itself, in the greater, most expanded and deeper sense.

May my mistakes around this area now mirrored to you, be as best as possible a mirror for looking in your own life and seeing your own relationship with these faculties where in turn you can be inspired to take on a higher level of positive responsibility, and in turn, allow your life to finally begin as far as you have faulted here, as have I, in this past that lives so closely to the scars that we carry in this life, but transmute, as our understanding and wisdom grows of these forces of nature, and the great nature they can produce. To a fully enlightened heart, that continues onwards and upwards, with a fully enlightened brain and the connection between the two. 

 

 

 

To my mother, when I was a child I did not understand your rages, pains and forms quickly enough, I did not know how to sooth my wounds deeply enough. To my sister, I protected you but how could I have shown you what was most important and that was to teach you how to protect yourself as early as possible, most of all, in heart? To my brother, the amount I needed you corresponded with the amount of pain that I had in my heart, to these defined limits I wish I could have known myself better as a little boy, without instruction. What more I could have done to help you from my mother and more if I had of resolved these within myself, even though you were nearly 10 years older. To my other sister, it was my lack of early understanding that made me positively reinforce your own inner invisibility within our family network, the quiet force within you that should have grown stronger, that I could have made stronger, if earlier than 5 I had learned sooner to see what was happening in our family home and how to make it right. To my second eldest sister in our unit, how could I have seen you, heard you and known you to the fullest respect so that you did not experience the injuries that you did from life, so that you too, had strength that was designed greater than the chaos created around you? To my whole family unit growing up, what more I could have done had I recognised the importance of these faculties and aspects of being, what more I could have done to lead our family to our truest potential, by showing all of you how to guide yourselves and one another. And to my father on the perimeters, what greater compassion could I have had towards you at this young age instead of confusion, pain and a lack of acceptance? And so too for all those I loved which lived on the perimeter but that I could not reach? What more could I have achieved with you, with a full heart? I have learned all of this too late for this, I have learned all of this too late for this. It is for this I have great misery and to the flip side of this, great inspiration. It may come as irrational for one to have this kind and level of responsibility, but as your heart becomes stronger and stronger you will learn that the heart only wants to have more and more responsibility because it is always too busy bringing about creation to the rest of your being at its potential, it is all about seeing what more positive, goodness and truth can be created and so when the heart asks itself about the past, eventually the more healed and grown it becomes it asks itself, what more could I have done at the first moment of birth? It does not do this out of self-punishment or literal misery, but a true appreciation and love for the goodness and truth of life.

Much love and wisdom.

 

Exit to this Session:

This loss and pain

Death I have created in this life even if I have not partaken in any physical death

Death to potential 

Death to potential

It only makes sense that we live this life

Life to potential

Life to potential

This loss and pain now, with balance and respect for the natural seasons of life

Growth and Joy

Growth and Joy

Growth and Joy

 

 

 

Edited May 12, 2022 by ll Ontology ll

[ll Ontology ll]

4 hours ago, ll Ontology ll said:

Introduction #16:

Misunderstanding the heart and its greatest complexities and more has by far been my greatest failing in life, but to what do we owe attention to the idea of failure in our lives? Well let me convince you for a moment that it is worth considering. To live in the moment in bliss and everything that can accompany that ecstatic experience, for the mere moment in which it exists, is sublime is it not? What about all the things that we did in our lives that took us away from this point? Let's argue for the moment that "bliss" is a desirable state in the objective sense that we should try to obtain and apply it as an analogy for states that we want to move towards vs away from, inclusive then of this work, the functioning of the heart in relation to the energy body of mind and spirit or arguably to its mirror brain and body. 

It is of great regret for me, let's just put aside blame for a moment, that I did not personally did not discover the value, purpose and instrumentality of the heart and its relationship to the rest of the functioning of being. It has undeniably caused me great issue with myself, my loved ones and everyone I have come into contact with in my life to the extent that my heart was not fully enlightened. 

Does this mean that I do not live in opposition in any respect by having an enlightened heart (to coin the term, maybe someone can google that and see if its new or not, so too an enlightened brain (let's lose the term mind for a moment)), or that any of us wouldn't? Not so far as saying that we wouldn't rebel outside the circumference of our enlightened hearts, an enlightenment that continues to grow with the experiences that we have been afforded with both physically and mentally, in our travels of body and in our travels of imagination.

When I have loved someone, I have not fully understood not so much the reasons but just the feeling interface upon which this love has been projected into and out of me again for its own lifespan, by the same extent, I have not understood the intensity of my own past hates, and deficits in either are a deficit in both, arguably.

There was always a hidden responsibility that for whatever reason I was never taught let's put this aside for the moment, but that I did not personally learn to fully unearth the propensities of the heart and for me this just seems quite unusual, to go so long as to not realise such an important aspect of our being and our brain included in this reference, in fact, to be positively reinforced to live in contradiction of it, seems like a disaster has occurred in my fellow social influences and myself communicating with this aspect of reality. 

To its opposite in fact, much was instead to the positive affirmative, the irresponsibility of the heart and the rest of our beings faculties was disproportionality favoured more than encouraged responsibility. To know our hearts in full just like to know and understand love in full, by the same measure, is the same responsibility we have to knowing our brains in full and how love can be actualised from the perspective of the endless imagination of the human brain.

Little example is needed for me to convince anyone here of this truth in our society, we merely need to note down all the positive reinforcement we received in subtle ways to not learn, to drink, to spend money, to have toxic relationships and so on and so fourth, all to both the detriment of our responsibility to our brain and heart, much more, the connection that binds them together which sows the key to us forming as whole, unified and fully expressive beings.

To not understand the love I have had for another and the various impulses it has brought inside of me is a mirror to any other misunderstanding I have ever had from an emotional sense with respect to not just another human but society as a whole. The heart is thus an endless gateway then for me, combined with the perception of mind, that as I shift from a state of healing to a state of growth as it concerns the heart and brain, progress can be more or less endless here as I continue to advance the way I interface with this energy which has been the intersection of decision making for all love relationships in my life, including with life itself, in the greater, most expanded and deeper sense.

May my mistakes around this area now mirrored to you, be as best as possible a mirror for looking in your own life and seeing your own relationship with these faculties where in turn you can be inspired to take on a higher level of positive responsibility, and in turn, allow your life to finally begin as far as you have faulted here, as have I, in this past that lives so closely to the scars that we carry in this life, but transmute, as our understanding and wisdom grows of these forces of nature, and the great nature they can produce. To a fully enlightened heart, that continues onwards and upwards, with a fully enlightened brain and the connection between the two. 

 

 

 

To my mother, when I was a child I did not understand your rages, pains and forms quickly enough, I did not know how to sooth my wounds deeply enough. To my sister, I protected you but how could I have shown you what was most important and that was to teach you how to protect yourself as early as possible, most of all, in heart? To my brother, the amount I needed you corresponded with the amount of pain that I had in my heart, to these defined limits I wish I could have known myself better as a little boy, without instruction. What more I could have done to help you from my mother and more if I had of resolved these within myself, even though you were nearly 10 years older. To my other sister, it was my lack of early understanding that made me positively reinforce your own inner invisibility within our family network, the quiet force within you that should have grown stronger, that I could have made stronger, if earlier than 5 I had learned sooner to see what was happening in our family home and how to make it right. To my second eldest sister in our unit, how could I have seen you, heard you and known you to the fullest respect so that you did not experience the injuries that you did from life, so that you too, had strength that was designed greater than the chaos created around you? To my whole family unit growing up, what more I could have done had I recognised the importance of these faculties and aspects of being, what more I could have done to lead our family to our truest potential, by showing all of you how to guide yourselves and one another. And to my father on the perimeters, what greater compassion could I have had towards you at this young age instead of confusion, pain and a lack of acceptance? And so too for all those I loved which lived on the perimeter but that I could not reach? What more could I have achieved with you, with a full heart? I have learned all of this too late for this, I have learned all of this too late for this. It is for this I have great misery and to the flip side of this, great inspiration. It may come as irrational for one to have this kind and level of responsibility, but as your heart becomes stronger and stronger you will learn that the heart only wants to have more and more responsibility because it is always too busy bringing about creation to the rest of your being at its potential, it is all about seeing what more positive, goodness and truth can be created and so when the heart asks itself about the past, eventually the more healed and grown it becomes it asks itself, what more could I have done at the first moment of birth? It does not do this out of self-punishment or literal misery, but a true appreciation and love for the goodness and truth of life.

Much love and wisdom.

 

Exit to this Session:

This loss and pain

Death I have created in this life even if I have not partaken in any physical death

Death to potential 

Death to potential

It only makes sense that we live this life

Life to potential

Life to potential

This loss and pain now, with balance and respect for the natural seasons of life

Growth and Joy

Growth and Joy

Growth and Joy

 

 

 

 

This is a healthy point for me to just take the rest of the month off from journaling, to really integrate everything here and start at a new threshold for next month. Laters.

 

[ll Ontology ll]

May Officially Concluded

This is a good ending to this journal for now.

Just speaking with a friend:

 

 

Edited May 13, 2022 by ll Ontology ll

[ll Ontology ll]

I have to keep trolling you all until you become desensitised to the idea that I'm going to be sharing a new comment, I'm not, this is the last until June and I mean it. With every false update to this journal, your conditioning will slowly to quickly disappear:

An expression of appreciation to my fellow courageous combatant via PM, both of us former head counsels in Philosophical Rome once upon a time, one of his shared contradictions, may the merciless but ultimately, bravely civilised heart-brain intellectualisations commence.

Much love and wisdom to everyone here while I'm gone:

 

 

The end. I mean it this time. I. Meaning. Time. Time of meaning. Meaning of time. Meaning of "I"... This time. It's yours.

 

 

 

Edited May 13, 2022 by ll Ontology ll

[Reciprocality]

Lol