Heart (emotional self awareness) - Freestyle/No Theory (Closed Journal)

[ll Ontology ll]

Do you know how this will end?

Do you see around... The bend?

To your black and white world here are colours you have never been shown

I will share with you wonders that I will not even know about tomorrow

This is life

Create the new with me

Born free, so what is it to be?

Tie ourselves in knots, again?

Because playing this yesterday too was the best kind of, pretend?

To not die for truth but to live for it 

Pages from history books of the future that were never meant to be shared in this present moment

You will see time in a new way tomorrow

What if tomorrow was after this next second?

Can you imagine it this way?

Then I have done so

To say, "colours of time" then I have done it twice

To say, "time dimensions made from love"

I have done it again

What if it was not a bend we should see around but...

All we had to do was... Mend

To the colours you choose and of colours of time too... And beyond... Transcend

Will you love you, like I love you too?

 

Edited May 6, 2022 by ll Ontology ll

[ll Ontology ll]

A confluence of rivers

Into outer space of the heart

True real eyes

Make my pain turn into those ocean tears 

That find their way to rivers and back to the heart

True love is remembered

At the start 

Of a newly made heart

For you. 

[ll Ontology ll]

The heart flickers

Heroism beyond the shadows

Moonlit darkness

Fire shows the future

Ice shows the past

No matter who or what I am

This one is still in pain 

This one is still being blamed

Save one

Save One

A heart of oneness and you have keys to the infinite

Responsibility to heroism

The same power to destroy is the same power to create

 

Brief story today:

I saw an old man today counting his change in a cafe. We all exchanged smiles while I waited for my coffee. I bumped into him again not long after outside a jewellery store. He said to me, "did you know that elderly man had his money bag stolen by three young men?" I tried to exit the conversation as quickly as I could, even though he told me the police had already been called after we were done I looked to where I could find the elderly man so I could confer with him. He had gone. Lost. One. A lesson for me.

 

[ll Ontology ll]

22 minutes ago, ll Ontology ll said:

The heart flickers

Heroism beyond the shadows

Moonlit darkness

Fire shows the future

Ice shows the past

No matter who or what I am

This one is still in pain 

This one is still being blamed

Save one

Save One

A heart of oneness and you have keys to the infinite

Responsibility to heroism

The same power to destroy is the same power to create

 

Brief story today:

I saw an old man today counting his change in a cafe. We all exchanged smiles while I waited for my coffee. I bumped into him again not long after outside a jewellery store. He said to me, "did you know that elderly man had his money bag stolen by three young men?" I tried to exit the conversation as quickly as I could, even though he told me the police had already been called after we were done I looked to where I could find the elderly man so I could confer with him. He had gone. Lost. One. A lesson for me.

 

The Truest Will is always created by the heart.

Imagine the stress that those three young men put that elderly man under. Imagine being him in that situation.

Now you, if not able bodied able mind and if you not able mind able hearted and if you are not able hearted, where does this sentiment rest at all for I can only send love to you and nothing else am I right? 

If the truest Will can only be created by the heart, then there is only one decision for me at all times until the truest depths of this will have been fortified to the brink.

What good does thinking do if you’re not connected to your heart, are you not then a villain even just towards yourself instead of the hero you’re capable of becoming?

 

Edited May 6, 2022 by ll Ontology ll

[ll Ontology ll]

 

Have we...?

 

In these words, my life force energy 

If I died in their extension, I would be glad as it would mean that I gave every word so much heart that my body could not be sustained for any longer

To this end I try

Not to die

But for all of me to die that does not love

So that you have no doubt

So that life has no doubt

That I will be there

Of any word that does not join the next 

Is like the heart that is not joined enough for love 

Is like a cell in our body that does not unite with the next to feel the whole universe 

Like in the water, which is not possible 

Without love 

The love of the ocean is like the love of your heart

Deepest ocean depths the more we try to feel

Widest ocean horizons the more we expand our hearts 

Have I... Died yet?

May all of you that is unable to love life if any of you died, die in my arms from my protection 

May any and all of me that does love, die in your arms from your protection

Have we... Died yet, in each other's arms?

 

Edited May 6, 2022 by ll Ontology ll

[ll Ontology ll]

Healing the Judger - Before training sentiments:

To give birth to my judger, who gives me instinct on right and wrong on my dutiful actions versus not.

For what do I distinguish my purpose and how be it by the sword of some other or from some other?

My judger, a strong relationship with my desire to accomplish. Accomplishment, of no divide then with purpose. One wishes to accomplish then so too they want to have purpose, thus better you determine the latter so the former is resolved without regret!

Do you not know your heart? Has your heart not healed?

Then to this end you will not find truthful words, your truth will be filed with lies you tell about yourself and the world and thus your judger will become and or be corrupt, with or without your awareness. Thus serpents you don’t even know you have to throw out!

Because the judger and this desire to accomplish still exists without the healing of the heart, so it continues to ask within, what to do, what to do?

If there is this absence of not just this strength then but the truth that is self healing not out of self punishment but the depths of the love of life that in return give you the feeling of love of life in your existential gesture, what do you make of you? How will you not continue to hurt yourself?

Heal one’s heart, and their judger will be healed, as well as, when their judger is healed in a way that follows from the first, are they not now set free to live their life of their own truest making from the heart? To make… a brand new start?

 

Edited May 6, 2022 by ll Ontology ll

[ll Ontology ll]

32 minutes ago, ll Ontology ll said:

Healing the Judger - Before training sentiments:

To give birth to my judger, who gives me instinct on right and wrong on my dutiful actions versus not.

For what do I distinguish my purpose and how be it by the sword of some other or from some other?

My judger, a strong relationship with my desire to accomplish. Accomplishment, of no divide then with purpose. One wishes to accomplish then so too they want to have purpose, thus better you determine the latter so the former is resolved without regret!

Do you not know your heart? Has your heart not healed?

Then to this end you will not find truthful words, your truth will be filed with lies you tell about yourself and the world and thus your judger will become and or be corrupt, with or without your awareness. Thus serpents you don’t even know you have to throw out!

Because the judger and this desire to accomplish still exists without the healing of the heart, so it continues to ask within, what to do, what to do?

If there is this absence of not just this strength then but the truth that is self healing not out of self punishment but the depths of the love of life that in return give you the feeling of love of life in your existential gesture, what do you make of you? How will you not continue to hurt yourself?

Heal one’s heart, and their judger will be healed, as well as, when their judger is healed in a way that follows from the first, are they not now set free to live their life of their own truest making from the heart? To make… a brand new start?

 

There’s no liberty for the damned without proper condemnation just as their isn’t without the proper truth directed towards oneself, there’s no liberty for the damned if they’re completely damned themselves though just as there isn’t if we’re completely damned ourselves in the moment in order to be inspired by wisdom.

All proper punishment is a punishment that moves the souls course upwards with a love that liberates them to see their potential and what they can create rather than a punishment that solely focuses on what they have taken away, while at the same time they must be shown what they have taken so they can also see what they can create by the same measure as an act of self actualisation rather than a cost to their individual sovereignty, in the same way that we must show ourselves how we have taken from ourselves to see by the same measure what we can create for ourselves through proper judgement and as a natural consequence have this be a better part of self actualisation that we feel not only redeems us but transforms us to our betterment, something that feels like we’ve moved closer to home, fulfilment and purpose, rather than self abandonment, self-deprecation and meaninglessness that I so often see mirrored in how people treat themselves based on what they have learned from their social environment.

We can thus conclude by degrees that this balance is often neglected in our punishments towards both ourselves and others, most cultures though not all have this similar imbalance that through our example of love, understanding and wisdom in this sense, we can redeem these qualities towards… the better end.

Edited May 6, 2022 by ll Ontology ll

[ll Ontology ll]

Introduction #9:

Firstly, it may feel like the following are “tough truths” to absorb but for me they’re really not, instead they give me precise directionality to both locate, give meaning to and direct my sense of purpose. I hope that this is the same for you or at least, can be interpreted with the same or similar constructive effect.

The conscious mind cannot be trusted when the heart has not yet fully healed, when the heart forgets itself the functioning of decisions will return back up to the conscious mind without one even being aware of it. The mind is contained by a set of webs that we can easily get tangled up in unnecessarily and even if we have a model to follow, we see only ever a shell of what we truly are underneath by solely following the mind.

In order to do this work properly you have to realise, that a feeling is not true instead the truth will reveal the feelings that we should follow. The heart is the heavenly river you traverse towards discovering this truth, hell is in the opposite direction.

Notice as you sink more deeply into the heard with the focus on the truth such as the truth of being, the truth of your heart, the truth of your souls progression, new feelings sometimes emerge behind other feelings especially the less pure those first feelings are? Then you know then, that feelings are not true or the truth but that the truth and following the truth more and more deeply reveals true and or truer feelings.

So as I sit here, shaking. Staying true to the heart, to ensure my consciousness does not deviate from its connecting with it. I lay in wait while holding firm, creating the space for being to sink more and more deeply into the heart rather than creating no space at all and pretending that I am centred when I am not. The precise instance I do not hold true, the whole of the universe caves in and my consciousness is fed a lie about life and my direction, the more instances I hold true and deeper this connection when I do break like going to sleep and waking up again, the distance between me and the self is shorter. 

There must be a space of allowance, while holding firm, the heart will communicate with the conscious mind and begin to show it doorways to its nature and what it has experienced in this life. You must not be either persuaded by appearances nor neglectful in what is being shown and appreciative of the learning that can take place here. Recalling in previous introductions, this is work that grows the heart, brain and the connection between the two, inclusive of the nature of healing. Just like we do not grow a limb overnight this is the same story for the heart and it’s connection with the rest of consciousness and consciousnesses communication with the depths of the heart and the universe that it enjoys sharing with the rest of being.

Your entire body may completely go from not feeling anything to changing its compete state after the heart sends a signal to the brain and then the brain sends a signal in conjunction with the heart to the rest of being and greater consciousness. This alternate state is likely to reflect the emotional learning that the heart is wanting to undergo and thus why it has sent the particular signal it has sent. As eluded to previously, the deeper you go the more your body will respond reflected in changes to your outward state. No matter where your consciousness takes you, you must always remember that your heart is your anchoring point. Your heart… is your anchoring point.

Your body in these consciousness signals, may change abruptly like this or the consciousness signal say in the form of a memory or other related manifestation may call upon your body to change, there is a subconscious choice selection your body is going to make in this instance. Stay with say the forgotten past memory or react fluidly in the way the body is asking you to react which may be to move away from the memory. Stick with the memory. Counteract the bodies movements and stay with the consciousness signal. You want to fluidly create the space for allowing yourself to perceive everything possible from this signal in feeling and all other perception. This may require sometimes a “holding action” rather than allowing the body to follow through with a “rejecting action” that then may for example dismiss the memory and experience, and therefore, the learning that your heart wants you to undergo.

Again, you may experience shivering sometimes, shakes, not from the “cold” but the relentless desire of your subconscious to switch from focusing on and resonating with the heart.

You’re just not used to being connected and because it’s in constant contact with the brain it’s communicating subconsciously with all of the cellular data including the suffering you’ve experienced in both your brain and your heart jointly and individually. So shouldn’t a little turbulence like a plane flying through a cloudy storm be normal? But you must hold onto your steering wheel, don’t let go and don’t over do it. Again, simply focus as purely as possible as you can on the heart. No matter what. Again. No matter what. You will feel pain sometimes that you want to escape from, in these instances focus as subtly as possible on the most pure, beautiful and simple impressions you can, the most truthful elements beneath any pain. This will begin a natural transmutation process where your heart automatically through intuition begins a burning phase which in conjunction with the brain and greater consciousness too, begins a learning phase.

The truth is an arrow that I want you to direct towards your heart. 

Lastly in saying this, I want you to develop the ability to distinguish between “truth signals” and “false” signals more and more as you develop competence on this act, a truth signal will appear more from the heart and reflect the deep of truth a false signal will either feel more mental and or feel less from the depths of your heart. If it’s “mental” then it feels much more like a projector stemming from a connection with the heart than it does just mental noise. More it feels much more like “consciousness” than I does “mental”.

The exercise: for those that are new here, all the exercise involves doing is simply focusing in on the heart with conscious attention continuously as deeply and as purely (so truthfully) as possible. That’s the exercise outside of say incorporating other sentiments I’ve shared in previous introductions, like staying with the truth signals to perceive everything possible that consciousness and the body is trying to heal and learn in that moment. So many permutations spur from this that I will describe with more and more nuance moving forward which is why you have to read other introductions. That’s it. Now allow the healing to begin. 

I do it for at least 5 hours a day now.

PS - I also combine it with a memory exercise however I’m a long way from mastering it before it deserves sharing it present. Still pretty cool though.

Benefits that I have so far received that I don’t at all our down to the memory activity yet are an incredibly vivid memory from this simple heart exercise for reasons that I have so far partially explained in previous introductions. Distant memories. As well as a more textured metaphorical emotional life. When I say vivid we’re talking without my trying or leading myself in anyway my mind will sometimes take me back to my home that I grew up in where I will be walking down the veranda say I’ll look in the window and I will see perfectly the reflections, lights and shadows as they ought to be based on the sunlight of the day. I will look at someone’s face or my hand and I will see all of their nuances with perfect detail. My imagination has always been really great however I have always had a jagged, fragmented memory due to trauma blocking it out. Now things are becoming increasingly more accessible as a result of this exercise. 

Otherwise personal idiosyncrasies are that I tend to unconsciously stim as an autistic would during the exercise as I’m attempting to access as much deep concentration that my greater consciousness can. It seems to help me.

I have decided to incorporate the memory exercise I’ll explain at a later date to simulate “heart-brain” coherence as deeply, simply and purely as possible. “Coherence” is to the building of that described corpus collossum noted in a previous entry.

 

To my brother: 

Session:
 

I loved my brother with such incredible depth growing up. I once told him, “I would jump off a bridge if you told me too”. Of course, my brother did not understand the depths of my love and how they were a reflection of me seeing him as a father figure growing up. This ended up causing tremendous damage to me. Because although my brother intellectually recognised what he had created in me when I was a young boy, he did not truly understand the ramifications of it and so through the throws of life, he really, really broke my heart. He was never very good at empathising, I loved though his earnestness. I was always way more intelligent than him and I didn’t understand the effect this had in him, he seemed overall though comfortable with himself and I did my best possible to show him that all I really cared about was his love. He was never the person to meet my needs though, my mother and father were and so to this end I have guilt, though neither my father nor brother were very affectionate and even if my mother was she was so emotionally conflicted about her own life that she made me feel unsafe around her growing up. Like, as I examine the fidelity of my subconscious at the deepest possible level to see into the purity of my own reactions towards her, I felt extremely unsafe to feel emotionally safe around either her or my father. I absolutely lovingly adored my brother because he never punished me unfairly. Never. This was an incredible blessing for me even if he failed in certain areas and even if I failed to differentiate deeply and quickly enough to have a healthy relationship with him that was beyond and joined with our childhood roots simultaneously.

All of these memories have been coming back to me about my childhood now. He used to take me fishing, okay basketball with me, I slept in the same room as he for a period. I even did community theatre with him one time. It was so great. I can’t believe all of these feelings have his dormant behind my dissociation. It’s been very overwhelming for me. Amidst these great moments though I experienced a lot of abandonment from him due to the  period fighting and leaving he had with my mother. Among other things, not to mention the effect this has on him and his own sense of safety around love and bonding. There was a part of him that felt that he wasn’t able to relate to me because he wasn’t as intelligent and I hadn’t yet overcome my dissociation enough so that I could be less cognitive or if I was trying to bond that I had the emotional development to contextualise things between us.

 

Exit to Session:

My wandering child heart

Searching for the peace within you

So that I can find solitude in your arms

Hold me, hold me

And tell me you will never let go, that you will keep me safe

And show me the truth of the world

Lines of separation

Misunderstanding 

My needs found to be misplaced and used up

Fruits I must concede

No destination and now faceless

Traceless is my tie to you

“Mother, don’t you hear me now? What on earth did you do with my brother? I cannot find him on the basketball court.”

My brother, your invisible pain 

I wish

I could surrender from you

Love

Would have been nice, was so

Nice

Love from my deepest to you 

Forever and ever 

“Mother, oh mother. Can’t you hear me now?”

 

 

Edited May 7, 2022 by ll Ontology ll

[ll Ontology ll]

Wisdom Memo from the Shark Tank #1:

Yeah just politely say goodbye to abusive people from your life if you ever got a problem just come to me but my policy is that you’re also not abusive hey. I’ve said some things sometimes that I’m not proud of, so I wouldn’t have accepted my own behaviour in some ways, that’s a negotiation I would have had with a clone of myself if I were having a relationship with an alternate more evolved version with myself. You have to look at the context from a broader view though, try to read between the lines of what’s happening beneath as well as the network upon which this thing occurs. Don’t allow a behaviour to go unnoticed from yourself, like if it’s impure so not from the depths of your heart, that’s when you know you can with that same heart intuitively understand how to correct it and not put your hand in the cookie jar but instead see through the cookie and the cookie jar, the jar and everything that it’s made of simultaneously and just have love for everything there then act from a place of that love which may or may not involve eating it, but if you’re going to eat the cookie, why would you not eat with love? Why are we choosing to sustain our lives if we’re not sustaining them for the love of living? Do we want to live a life of where we’re exercising the opposite? I know that opposite feeling and trust me when I say this it doesn’t create what the universe would have wanted us to create put it that way, we have these alternate conditions of state to learn from state enough that we no longer see it as ourselves but an integral part of ourselves that truly guides our actions when we understand it and love from and with it from the deepest depths inclusive of but limited to our hearts.

Yea I was a cookie stealer as a kid. I was… I do feel a little guilty…

Every body can change but a change only comes from a change in heart and a change in habit in relation to it so that change remains. Know and do with wisdom, teach with your heart as mine naturally does. 
 

 

Edited May 7, 2022 by ll Ontology ll

[ll Ontology ll]

Shark update #1:

These prison walls

Dearly departing

Burning away like snake skin covering the sun 

Of truth

Of the heart

Made of light so then we are all light bearers

Hailed down from the kingdom of heaven

Motion interrupted

Echoes bloom fortuitously with invisible reason

Minds see sight and it bears arms

We now are the witnesses to our own court case

Sentencing ourselves to years of growth

Prison guard no more

She moves in different angles as my angles change

Mirrors shine against mirrors

Reality anew

Speechless wonder we’re all designed to see through 

So these prison walls slowly disappear and our past states of being

Fall away

Into the new that was always concealed

Our book of spells in truth

Are our

Books to freedom

Love

 

 

Edited May 7, 2022 by ll Ontology ll

[ll Ontology ll]

Wisdom from the Shark Tank #2:
 

“Michael won’t strategise when it comes to his relationships, like he won’t try and manipulate people.”

As if to say, well I must be wrong.

No I’m not desperate that’s why. Only someone sad and lonely is going to try and manipulate and guess what happens when you’re manipulating other people you’re meant to love all things being equal, you end up still feeling sad and lonely because you realise you’re in a relationship where you feel you can’t just be yourself.

When you’re in a relationship to manage your emotions it means you can’t manage, learn and grow from them. It means you’re not fully individuated enough, it means you’re not fully mature enough to have a relationship. It means the other person shouldn’t trust you when it comes to whether or not they feel they can truly confide in you as you don’t have enough love in your heart, you haven’t healed enough from your unmet needs, your heart isn’t whole enough to have another’s heart inside of you so that you’re protective of theirs at all costs.

 

Edited May 7, 2022 by ll Ontology ll

[ll Ontology ll]

4 minutes ago, ll Ontology ll said:

Wisdom from the Shark Tank #3:

(for today: read prv. Shark Tank (ST) entries to catch up)

I have one battle, one purpose, one war in this life, it is totally, utterly and completely with my own heart and unearthing it’s wonders from and to creation as much and as deeply connected to truth as possible. That is all. Had I have known this when I was age 7, I definitely would have asked the girl I liked in grade 2 out on a date haha.

Much love. Much respect. Much honour.

 

Her name was Amy. But I also liked Meredith. Meredith’s father was mayor of our suburb at the time!

 

 

Edited May 7, 2022 by ll Ontology ll

[ll Ontology ll]

Outside these two girls above and I've told almost no one I think about Bridget at close to 7 years old as well I believe, Bridget was honestly one of the sweetest young women I knew back when I was 7 and I genuinely believe looking back she was like in love with me.

She used to buy me food from the canteen for free during recess and lunch. Acts of service was obviously her love language. Haha. She was like my sugar mama. I felt a little guilty about it at the time I remember, so she wasn't exploited for all of her assets. She loved the bad boys haha. Sometimes though the badboy is more likely to get suspended though and never come back. And that's what happened as we know.

I got suspended as I talked about earlier here.

[ll Ontology ll]

11 minutes ago, ll Ontology ll said:

Outside these two girls above and I've told almost no one I think about Bridget at close to 7 years old as well I believe, Bridget was honestly one of the sweetest young women I knew back when I was 7 and I genuinely believe looking back she was like in love with me.

She used to buy me food from the canteen for free during recess and lunch. Acts of service was obviously her love language. Haha. She was like my sugar mama. I felt a little guilty about it at the time I remember, so she wasn't exploited for all of her assets. She loved the bad boys haha. Sometimes though the badboy is more likely to get suspended though and never come back. And that's what happened as we know.

I got suspended as I talked about earlier here.

My bad, that would be gifts + acts of service, the latter because she used to go and buy it for me while I waited on the oval like 500m away wondering why she was taking so long (haha just kidding but I was waiting and I was far away).

Edited May 7, 2022 by ll Ontology ll

[ll Ontology ll]

 

Wisdom of love.

 

(unrelated to anything in my journal so far but is an important addition to this journal)

[ll Ontology ll]

Wisdom from the Shark Tank #3: 

“Michael I preferred you when you were cold, aloof, ration funny (or whatever you’d call it) and logical now you just come across too warm, close and silly. I don’t like you anymore.”

Doesn’t bother me. Express the self fully and honestly but live ethically, like if I were running this site I’d be behaving more serious not because that’s what people expect from me but because that’s my responsibility and duty, I feel that here in my journals as well however naturally I give myself a little more leeway, I have to consciously try to care what others think of me as you know, like it barely enters in my mind, I mainly focus now on just being from the heart at all times and all other times previous to this work too though I was unknowingly relying too much on my intelligence.

Everything else I’ve learned is now an “Empathy Boundary”, however just as you need to have an empathy boundary they need to as well, also this isn’t black and white, you both have the knowledge that you’re capable of providing it and you negotiate the terms through self and other understanding + vibing.

Last words is that I get it, I have an advantage over most people with respect to many things but I am just drawn to people who are able to resolve the dissonances they have much more easily simply because I tend to be really good at that myself. Again though, my love is always there regardless, though I do have that natural inclination to be drawn to that positive attribute more than it’s opposite, the opposite being reflective with simplicity in the quoted sentiment. It’s just natural.

 

Edited May 7, 2022 by ll Ontology ll

[ll Ontology ll]

Wisdom from the Shark Tank #4:

I genuinely believe that “all that exists” for us is the heart and everything else is a reflexive action based on the responses of the heart, all of which are predicated on its state, growth and all relevant inclusive’s there. On any of my theoretical points I am happy to discuss privately to any intellectual end, productively. It is my belief, that everyone will reach this conclusion with enough awareness and it will likely be an implication to all of my work here, if only with respect to the available information to enough convince where information was the main influencer in such an opinion.

[ll Ontology ll]

Intro #10:

As soon as you start crafting an image of yourself based on what others think about you, you’ve lost touch with reality. You no longer have a relationship with yourself, the other person heck you don’t even have a relationship with your dog (or cat!). If this is you it has to stop, if it’s you not consciously doing it but instead more you feeling like you have to follow the expectations of your parents or some other authority like modelling yourself after some stage in “spiral dynamics” let’s say. It has to stop. Because you’re no longer in touch with your heart and the natural guidance it has to offer, plus anyone that has a true invested interest into genuinely loving you doesn’t want you just following the image they’ve carved out for you, no that’s not really love, they want to be enquiring about what you genuinely want as a human being based on the ongoing development that you as a being are subtly constantly going through and that we’re all here learning how to tap into more and more intelligently.

If the heart space very religiously is the inner guidance system for informing the ethos of our decision making what chance does it have to operate naturally within you if you’re filled with all these preconceived notions about reality worse you’re having to follow the preconceived notions others have about what future you must follow?! Relationships can be tenuous but are the most loving one’s going to be where you’re forfeiting how you see your future in favour of someone else’s viewpoint when you have just as much value to create reality as the next person using your own inner compass? Granted other people have varying potential, but how much varying potential do we have to tap into an inner guidance system that the majority of us are built to have? Most of our lives growing up at least for me our elders can find it difficult sometimes not to be stuck in the frame of telling us what to think, what to feel and what to do heck even our partners can be to the point of dependence in either case. 

We all need to build our inner compass within our hearts for guiding ourselves in this life. That’s going to come at the cost of some peoples expectations and we need to be okay with that. We need to be okay with making some people upset with our choices because sometimes it’s the choices we make that violate the expectations of others in the biggest ways that sometimes become our most defining lessons for that period of our lives. Could we replace this newfound definition on our character out of fear of breaking expectations? Does the person really have love in their hearts if they’re unable to reconcile the image they had of you and the fact that you broke that image? Sometimes we have to break the image others have of us in order to find out who is loyal, loving and truthful. Sometimes we have to break the image to see ourselves through a broken mirror so that we can get a new perspective and not seek to redefine ourselves per se as I believe this can create psychological problems for people but to instead move to a new whole where the past is integrated with the present and the present aligns with the future that our hearts are guiding us in. If we neglect the past it is just as much neglecting our hearts directions towards the future for our hearts were still involved in every decision in the past and our past needs that information in fact it stores that information so we can’t even get out of learning from it even if we tried. What happens is that because people understand how plastic the brain can be they leverage that as a creative interface for defining who they are. Which is okay experimentally often this can be a case of our hearts truly going through a discovery process, however when it is used as a vehicle for dissociating from who we are underneath and the same too when we subconsciously use a relationship to dissociate from following who we are underneath, in whatever way. We’re not truly living from a space of love if we ever could, we’re not living in alignment with the life harmony that the universe gave to us through the invention of our hearts to make for easy decision making. No wonder why most of the world is overly stressed in our most technologically advanced time period ever, right? Am I right or am I right? All of our relationships should be relationships of the heart first and then relationships of the mind, not the other way around. The second they become the other way around we cut ourselves off from our inner guidance system and dysfunctions arise which then create other dysfunctions to Band-Aid those dysfunctions and so on and so fourth where we comply with our minds continuous demands to do patchwork on an inevitably sinking Titanic. Throw the diamond off the boat! 

 

Session:

My first best friend was in prep to grade two, his name was Sam. 

It was the first close relationship I’d ever been in where a PSYOP was performed on his mind to cut ties with me because his mother didn’t approve of the influence I was having on him, and well, obviously she didn’t like my mother all that much. It was the first time I’d ever been heart broken as kid outside of disappointment because I really developed a strong bond with the guy. 

We trained together when it came to running, we competed against each other, we walked to school and back from school together sometimes, Sam was a good friend however his mother was obviously over protective of him and didn’t get along enough with my mother to work through the dissonances her mother had over me. 

I was well known for being a little bit of a trouble maker in school and I almost never did my homework for example as my mother never encouraged literally any studious activities in fact one time believe it or not my sister who tried to be very studious ended up one day having one or all of her school modules thrown in the fire during a hearted argument with her. No doubt some irrational primal jealousy towards my sister. Based on how she’s treated her it would only be dissociation I believe that truly explains why my sister continually forgave my mother.

Sam was being conditioned to be very studious and competitive in school and no doubt she was the type of mother who would speak to teachers about other students when she knew they were friends with her son, at least, that’s how it feels. 

My mother was a very stubborn woman without much space for disagreement of any kind and it was what harmed her relationship with my father first and foremost and so too my fathers relationship with her. My fathers a very down to earth guy who doesn’t really understand women that are flighty and emotional so whenever they got into arguments in their marriage it almost always ended with my mother stubbornly defending her irrational position or my fathers lack of empathy for her genuine concerns on things that needed improving. Empathy was never my fathers strong suit when it came to women, so it’s good he’s found a woman that was much more simple for him who was harder to fluster but less opinionated and curious. A very kind, honest, service oriented woman with an artistic streak that doesn’t stray too much into the imaginative. 

I still…. Have a few unresolved feelings in relation to the experience that are difficult for me to completely get through concerning Sam, I know somewhere in my psychology there’s like a slight angle that needs to be found where everything comes together. The feelings I need to explore more are guilt, shame, melancholy, love, envy (I wish my mother was as protective as his in important schooling ways), disappointment, disloyalty, respect, honour, guilt, responsibility, duty and integrity. 

It was a really life defining relationship for me, had our friendship never ended I when no doubt that I wouldn’t have been suspended and I would have had more incentive to stay at the school. Maybe we would have been friends in our next year of class no doubt. It brings tears to my eyes realising what a great friendship we would have had and realising that was cut short so early. I would have lived a completely different life.

 

Exit to this Session:

Of your movements

Up ahead

My mind a little faster, but your legs a little stronger

Running rings around me on the oval, running rings around you in class

Separated now by vast stretches of time, countries and wars can begin and end in it, many millions of humans come and gone in the time we haven’t seen each other

Thus what makes this moment?

… What makes this moment?

I don’t have anything else to give you Sam

I have no idea who you are anymore

Whether you’re good and if you are how you’re good

If you’re bad how you turned out bad and what you’re doing to change it 

All I hope is that love is truly in your heart because if love is there, no matter how small, you will do it, I know you can do it, to keep being the person you need to be, to be the person you have to become, my good friend, always and forever loyal to you no matter what 

Truth my good friend.

Truth.

Edited May 7, 2022 by ll Ontology ll

[ll Ontology ll]

50 minutes ago, ll Ontology ll said:

Intro #10:

As soon as you start crafting an image of yourself based on what others think about you, you’ve lost touch with reality. You no longer have a relationship with yourself, the other person heck you don’t even have a relationship with your dog (or cat!). If this is you it has to stop, if it’s you not consciously doing it but instead more you feeling like you have to follow the expectations of your parents or some other authority like modelling yourself after some stage in “spiral dynamics” let’s say. It has to stop. Because you’re no longer in touch with your heart and the natural guidance it has to offer, plus anyone that has a true invested interest into genuinely loving you doesn’t want you just following the image they’ve carved out for you, no that’s not really love, they want to be enquiring about what you genuinely want as a human being based on the ongoing development that you as a being are subtly constantly going through and that we’re all here learning how to tap into more and more intelligently.

If the heart space very religiously is the inner guidance system for informing the ethos of our decision making what chance does it have to operate naturally within you if you’re filled with all these preconceived notions about reality worse you’re having to follow the preconceived notions others have about what future you must follow?! Relationships can be tenuous but are the most loving one’s going to be where you’re forfeiting how you see your future in favour of someone else’s viewpoint when you have just as much value to create reality as the next person using your own inner compass? Granted other people have varying potential, but how much varying potential do we have to tap into an inner guidance system that the majority of us are built to have? Most of our lives growing up at least for me our elders can find it difficult sometimes not to be stuck in the frame of telling us what to think, what to feel and what to do heck even our partners can be to the point of dependence in either case. 

We all need to build our inner compass within our hearts for guiding ourselves in this life. That’s going to come at the cost of some peoples expectations and we need to be okay with that. We need to be okay with making some people upset with our choices because sometimes it’s the choices we make that violate the expectations of others in the biggest ways that sometimes become our most defining lessons for that period of our lives. Could we replace this newfound definition on our character out of fear of breaking expectations? Does the person really have love in their hearts if they’re unable to reconcile the image they had of you and the fact that you broke that image? Sometimes we have to break the image others have of us in order to find out who is loyal, loving and truthful. Sometimes we have to break the image to see ourselves through a broken mirror so that we can get a new perspective and not seek to redefine ourselves per se as I believe this can create psychological problems for people but to instead move to a new whole where the past is integrated with the present and the present aligns with the future that our hearts are guiding us in. If we neglect the past it is just as much neglecting our hearts directions towards the future for our hearts were still involved in every decision in the past and our past needs that information in fact it stores that information so we can’t even get out of learning from it even if we tried. What happens is that because people understand how plastic the brain can be they leverage that as a creative interface for defining who they are. Which is okay experimentally often this can be a case of our hearts truly going through a discovery process, however when it is used as a vehicle for dissociating from who we are underneath and the same too when we subconsciously use a relationship to dissociate from following who we are underneath, in whatever way. We’re not truly living from a space of love if we ever could, we’re not living in alignment with the life harmony that the universe gave to us through the invention of our hearts to make for easy decision making. No wonder why most of the world is overly stressed in our most technologically advanced time period ever, right? Am I right or am I right? All of our relationships should be relationships of the heart first and then relationships of the mind, not the other way around. The second they become the other way around we cut ourselves off from our inner guidance system and dysfunctions arise which then create other dysfunctions to Band-Aid those dysfunctions and so on and so fourth where we comply with our minds continuous demands to do patchwork on an inevitably sinking Titanic. Throw the diamond off the boat! 

 

Session:

My first best friend was in prep to grade two, his name was Sam. 

It was the first close relationship I’d ever been in where a PSYOP was performed on his mind to cut ties with me because his mother didn’t approve of the influence I was having on him, and well, obviously she didn’t like my mother all that much. It was the first time I’d ever been heart broken as kid outside of disappointment because I really developed a strong bond with the guy. 

We trained together when it came to running, we competed against each other, we walked to school and back from school together sometimes, Sam was a good friend however his mother was obviously over protective of him and didn’t get along enough with my mother to work through the dissonances her mother had over me. 

I was well known for being a little bit of a trouble maker in school and I almost never did my homework for example as my mother never encouraged literally any studious activities in fact one time believe it or not my sister who tried to be very studious ended up one day having one or all of her school modules thrown in the fire during a hearted argument with her. No doubt some irrational primal jealousy towards my sister. Based on how she’s treated her it would only be dissociation I believe that truly explains why my sister continually forgave my mother.

Sam was being conditioned to be very studious and competitive in school and no doubt she was the type of mother who would speak to teachers about other students when she knew they were friends with her son, at least, that’s how it feels. 

My mother was a very stubborn woman without much space for disagreement of any kind and it was what harmed her relationship with my father first and foremost and so too my fathers relationship with her. My fathers a very down to earth guy who doesn’t really understand women that are flighty and emotional so whenever they got into arguments in their marriage it almost always ended with my mother stubbornly defending her irrational position or my fathers lack of empathy for her genuine concerns on things that needed improving. Empathy was never my fathers strong suit when it came to women, so it’s good he’s found a woman that was much more simple for him who was harder to fluster but less opinionated and curious. A very kind, honest, service oriented woman with an artistic streak that doesn’t stray too much into the imaginative. 

I still…. Have a few unresolved feelings in relation to the experience that are difficult for me to completely get through concerning Sam, I know somewhere in my psychology there’s like a slight angle that needs to be found where everything comes together. The feelings I need to explore more are guilt, shame, melancholy, love, envy (I wish my mother was as protective as his in important schooling ways), disappointment, disloyalty, respect, honour, guilt, responsibility, duty and integrity. 

It was a really life defining relationship for me, had our friendship never ended I when no doubt that I wouldn’t have been suspended and I would have had more incentive to stay at the school. Maybe we would have been friends in our next year of class no doubt. It brings tears to my eyes realising what a great friendship we would have had and realising that was cut short so early. I would have lived a completely different life.

 

Exit to this Session:

Of your movements

Up ahead

My mind a little faster, but your legs a little stronger

Running rings around me on the oval, running rings around you in class

Separated now by vast stretches of time, countries and wars can begin and end in it, many millions of humans come and gone in the time we haven’t seen each other

Thus what makes this moment?

… What makes this moment?

I don’t have anything else to give you Sam

I have no idea who you are anymore

Whether you’re good and if you are how you’re good

If you’re bad how you turned out bad and what you’re doing to change it 

All I hope is that love is truly in your heart because if love is there, no matter how small, you will do it, I know you can do it, to keep being the person you need to be, to be the person you have to become, my good friend, always and forever loyal to you no matter what 

Truth my good friend.

Truth.

My mother would have no doubt had arguments with the Principal of the school, I remember now. She used to make fun of him even years later to partially justify the hidden premise “Why I would never allow my son back into that school!” even though she was a large part of the problem. Our suburb was always looked down upon by our family after we left as well and my mother made sure of that just as both my parents made sure to share their disgruntlements about each other to me and my other siblings, there was more than three contexts for justifying the move, something horrendous had happened in our environment there and one of my sisters (the one mentioned in the story actually here) needed a new environment. I don’t have resentment really, I’m just sorting through everything, I have a whole bunch of different sensations and experiences, for example all in all I have compassion for my mother.

Edited May 7, 2022 by ll Ontology ll

[ll Ontology ll]

33 minutes ago, ll Ontology ll said:

My mother would have no doubt had arguments with the Principal of the school, I remember now. She used to make fun of him even years later to partially justify the hidden premise “Why I would never allow my son back into that school!” even though she was a large part of the problem. Our suburb was always looked down upon by our family after we left as well and my mother made sure of that just as both my parents made sure to share their disgruntlements about each other to me and my other siblings, there was more than three contexts for justifying the move, something horrendous had happened in our environment there and one of my sisters (the one mentioned in the story actually here) needed a new environment. I don’t have resentment really, I’m just sorting through everything, I have a whole bunch of different sensations and experiences, for example all in all I have compassion for my mother.

I’m really grateful I’ve been able to workout all of this mostly myself (pertaining to the work of this journal not biography though that’s great too). 

I’m really happy to have the privilege of being able to freely share that with others, another reminder for myself to keep the integrity of this journal in tact.

I never would have thought that simply focusing on the pain in my heart would have created so many “blasts from the past”, that I would have augmented my memory not by trying to remember but simply as I’ve always preached in this journal recently as it pertains to just holding strong and listening to what the heart is trying to communicate. Listening creates an honest and earnest learning that we follow with our intuitive beings, which only include the brains, instead our brains have false been seen as the headmaster and that headmaster has been turned into a weapon and our hearts mostly seen as valentine presents and transplants when it is undoubtedly clear beyond any possibility of pseudo-spirituality, pseudo-psychology and or pseudo-science of any sort that there are an inordinate amount of vistas to not only explore with the heart just like with the mind out of sheer pleasure but again for both, to know as a matter of both our survival and what is imperative to our superior growth on this planet while remain alive and a part of a species on this planet and potentially beyond, and finally, to create as deeply, strongly and as resiliently as possible the strongest link to both so that the two through this link can be like a key as I have been saying in parts within this journal to channels of being that I have never dreamed possible and that others have no doubt ventured to before me. I am sure that I can already tap in to such other channels but I am just as sure if not more that it is proper course of action not only as a remedy to our civilisation but in order of importance for the human being to focus on learning how to understand and follow their hearts, then fully their brains followed only then by everything beyond (outside normal functioning of our body: walking, etc).

At the moment I’m listening to a former Australian popstar in the background of a public area, maybe you’ll like him as I did and certainly with all the love that I have for them, my brother and mother did as well too.

I’d like to share a different song, however I’ll keep it real and just share what’s playing ha!