Borderline (my story) no commenting on this journal strictly

[Preety_India]

Bpd diagnosis has been a great breakthrough for me. 

 

[Preety_India]

I can call myself BPD- Autistic 

 

[Preety_India]

As an autistic I can find it difficult to process information. I can take it the wrong way or not understand it at all. 

I feel hurt mostly. 

Sometimes when someone asks me, what is it, I really don't know how to answer that. I'm stumped for an answer. I go blank 

 

I can't properly articulate my emotions and feelings and thoughts. I struggle like an autistic. I end up saying what I didn't mean to. This is then used against me later. 

People tend to feed on my weaknesses. 

For the sake of my sanity I have decided to leave this forum. The hostility here gets me. 

I don't like how understanding is not fostered and people are quick to jump on demonizing. 

Now that I have understood who I am, I don't even need this forum anymore. 

I just have to focus on my well being and let go everything else. 

I love Jim and I can be with him in peace 

 

 

[Preety_India]

I suffer memory issues due to bpd trauma 

I have realized my brain wiring is significantly different from the rest of the people because of trauma. 

That I never or will never perceive the world the way other people see it. 

This is both an advantage of my autism and as well as a disadvantage. 

Disadvantage because I can often push away good people who actually meant me no harm. 

Advantage because often times the autism causes me to feel very psychic. So I can smell people from far. They can't really fool me too much. Like I understand certain things 

I just feel it. I get suspicious. 

Sometimes my paranoia is completely false 

But not all of the time. 

Sometimes my paranoia about a person's intent is on the spot. 

Usually I'm right. I am rarely wrong. 

 

 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

One thing I lack (terribly) as a bpd is logic and rationale. 

I don't think logically. At all. 

I don't use logic and rationality. 

My world is full of emotions. 

It's like a collage of emotions. 

I fluctuate from one emotion to another. 

I get Hyper emotional even over little things but not in an absurd way. 

My mood doesn't change normally and I don't get mood swings like bipolar people. 

For me it's all about experiencing emotions from time to time. 

 

[Preety_India]

My world is full of emotions. 

My world is all about perceiving through emotions. 

I can tell if something feels good or bad, but if you asked me why it is good or why it is bad, I can't answer that or I don't know how to answer that. 

Essentially I'm like a child. My behavior is child like. 

 

For example. If you are an adult and you tell a child that a certain Uncle John  will be at that place for a house party. 

The child gives an ominous expression. They act nervous suddenly. 

And you ask the child, "what happened?" 

The child replies - "I don't like Uncle John." 

And you're perplexed 

You ask the child "why you don't like Uncle John?" 

The child goes blank and is unable to answer this question. The child can't logically construct things together or come with a proper logical explanation. 

The child simply repeats, "I don't like Uncle John." 

Maybe Uncle John misbehaved with the child on previous occasions. 

That's why the child is giving such a negative reaction, however the child is unable to articulate their sentiment logically or even understand why they feel this way. They just know they feel this way but don't know the logic behind it. 

My brain works like this. 

I can't logically connect things. But my brain feels things. My brain doesn't pay much attention to logical facts. It tends to feel everything rather than think it. 

This sometimes leads to confusion and sometimes it is really beneficial in assessing situations or people where information is very limited. 

I can just sense people 

It's like a sixth sense. 

But I don't use brain.

Just the vibe that I pick up or the sense. 

My emotional sense as a result is highly developed. 

 

[Preety_India]

Essential difference between me (borderline) and bipolar 

Bipolar has mood swings. I don't. 

Bipolar mood swings don't have specific reason because it's brain chemistry change. 

Borderline have deep reasons for their reactions 

 

Bipolar experiences shallow less intense emotions. 

Borderlines experience deep emotions 

 

Bipolar, it's all genetics mostly 

Borderlines Emotional states are due to trauma 

 

Bipolar especially manic rough to deal with. 

Borderlines are generally sweet 

 

Bipolar is manic episodes

There is no manic episodes for borderline. They simply go into borderline rage on occasions. Otherwise they stay calm. 

Bipolar is rarely psychopathic. Borderline psychopathy is seen in extreme conditions. 

Sociopathy is common in manic bipolar. 

Sociopathy is not common in borderlines. 

Borderlines are very goal oriented when it comes to sociopathic/psychopathic behavior 

 

Bipolar can be cold and distant. 

Borderlines are Hyper avoidant 

 

 

Bipolar can easily manage social occasions 

 

Borderlines have difficulty in expressing and show autism or other communication disabilities 

 

 

 

 

Edited May 2, 2022 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

Borderline personality disorder is far more dangerous than bipolar. 

 

[Preety_India]

 

Translation of the picture 

Mental cruelty and psychological manipulation is extremely emotionally damaging. Borderlines manufacture desperation and desire. You probably worked harder for this relationship than any other, right? You put more time, energy, and thought into it than ever before. And in turn, you were rewarded with the nastiest, most painful experience of your life. 

 

 

Edited May 2, 2022 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

Causes of borderline disorder 

 

How does a borderline profile develop? 

 

Following are the causes of bpd 

 

 

 

Types of emotional abuse I went through (from childhood to adult) 

Narcissistic abuse (from parent) 

Bullying (from parent) 

Emotional neglect as a child (from parent) 

Abusive relationships (toxic boyfriend) 

Gaslighting (in relationships) 

Verbal abuse (both parent and boyfriends) 

 

 

 

 

Manipulation and blackmail is also a form of emotional abuse 

 

And so is invalidation. 

 

 

Edited May 2, 2022 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

Why did I allow so many abusive relationships? 

Let's take a tour of the factors that enabled such a toxic phenomenon or chain of events? 

 

 

Lack of experience 

I had zero experience on men and relationships when I started out. Now my experience kitty is full of necessary arsenal. Those type of men are far away from me. I learned how to avoid them. 

 

 

Emotional abuse in early childhood causing inability to differentiate between abuse and respectful behavior, no role model to show respectful behavior causing to allow oneself to be abused by the partner 

I suffered intensely in childhood. Narc abuse early on. 

Naivete 

There was a significant level of innocence, naivete and general lack of wisdom, I think this happened to me due to autism. I couldn't process emotional stimuli or did not have the social IQ to understand that emotional abuse is going on. 

Now I have the answer to why I was acting dumb and naive.... It was Autism 

 

Emotional self flagellation 

I was blaming myself all the time. It became easier for the manipulator to make it look like everything was my fault. 

With bpd, self deprecating behavior is very common. 

 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

I have a lot of issues here. 

It's not just bpd. 

Although bpd is kinda exacerbated or triggered by these issues, but some of these are standalone issues. 

I was contemplating on these issues trying to separate them from bpd

 

• Emotional abuse in childhood

 

 

• PTSD due to trauma 

 

 

• Anxiety disorder 

 

 

• Depression 

 

 

• Low self Esteem/self worth 

 

•  

[Preety_India]

I'll call these comorbid issues 

 

That is they all co-exist alongside each other. 

Let me go into depth. 

 

 

My problem cannot be only bpd

There are different facets to my brain wiring 

 

I should call this the Brain Wiring Syndrome 

 

 

Edited May 2, 2022 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

Brain wiring Syndrome 

This includes the entire package of issues resulting from childhood abuse. 

Just remember that the brain wiring has been fucked up completely. And every wiring component has to be dealt with individually to bring healing

 

 

What consequences does each fucked up component lead to?

 

Wiring component A

Related to emotional abuse 

Emotional abuse in childhood. It causes abuse to be normalized. 

For example - if a child is called a loser or fat by the parent 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Wiring Component B

Related to trauma 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Wiring component C

Related to low self Esteem 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Wiring component D

Related to emotional neglect 

 

 

 

 

 

Wiring component E

Related to bullying 

 

 

Wiring component F

Related to autism 

 

 

Wiring component G

Amnesia and partial memory 

 

 

Edited May 2, 2022 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

Other aspects of bpd 

• Excessive attachment
• Emotional eating 
• Abandonment anxiety 
• Excessive spending. 
• Rage issues 
• Borderline psychopathy 
• Self image issues. Constantly wanna change. 
• Zero certainty 
• Paranoid fears 
• Psychic sensing /vibe 
• Person of interest 
• Adulation for Person of interest 
• Unable to deal with inauthenticity 
• Boundary issues 

 

[Preety_India]

 

Wiring component A

Related to emotional abuse 

Emotional abuse in childhood. It causes abuse to be normalized. 

For example - if a child is called a loser or fat by the parent, then when they grow up  they are not able to differentiate between being respected by their partner or being verbally insulted as fat. This is because they can't differentiate between abuse and love. They take abuse or accept abuse as love. So they can't easily detect abusive love. For them it doesn't appear distinctly different from proper healthy love because they simply  don't know what healthy love looks like. 

 

So three things happen here. 

1. Not having a standard model of respectful behavior as a map/guide 

One is that you don't have a template, role model, framework, or blueprint of what respectful behavior looks like. 

This means you will never have the chance to know what behavior you should be looking for or picking. No healthy option given to you. You don't even know if a healthy option exists. 

2. Normalization of abuse. 

Emotional abuse in childhood. It causes abuse to be normalized. 

For example - if a child is called a loser or fat by the parent, then when they grow up  they are not able to differentiate between being respected by their partner or being verbally insulted as fat. This is because they can't differentiate between abuse and love. They take abuse or accept abuse as love. So they can't easily detect abusive love. For them it doesn't appear distinctly different from proper healthy love because they simply  don't know what healthy love looks like. 

You think that it's ok to be abused since you begin to downplay your own abuse or don't take it seriously. You don't fight hard. You think it's ok or manageable. You don't even realize it's abuse to begin with. It doesn't create a shock factor. It does not shock you enough. It doesn't look or seem alien to you. Because you are so used to it. 

 

 

3. Zero understanding and zero enforcement of boundaries. 

Emotional abuse also means that your boundaries have always been broken. 

The abuser always forcefully breaks your boundaries one by one so to get you used to it over time. 

So when you grow up you don't have a sense of boundaries. 

You don't understand boundaries. 

(you only understand boundaries after you are properly fucked up) 

You don't even know what a boundary should look like because you have never been taught to have one. 

 

You missed out on the crash course on boundaries that your peers got. 

 

 

 

 

All of these factors easily causes you to never see a relationship as abusive and or cause you to stay put or stay stuck in these relationships for a long time and doesn't enable you to leave them. 

 

 

In simple words, past or childhood instances of abuse enable patterns of abuse in adult life that causes the chain reaction pattern of progression of abuse seen in abuse survivors who constantly fall victim to cyclical patterns of abuse that never seems to stop. It's like once you are abused, you will be abused repeatedly without breaking this pattern.

 

 

 

Edited May 2, 2022 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

Pathological lying can develop as a defense mechanism 

 

 

[Preety_India]

The only bad thing about borderline is their explosive rage or sudden burst of anger and whining. 

How to handle borderline anger (a guide for the partner) 

 

Consider the borderline to be a bomb that you need to detonate before it goes off. The borderline is waiting to pounce on you with full force. They are pumped up and are ready to explode. 

In worse case they will go on a rampage and break things. In the worst case, they can either grab a  gun and then nothing can be predicted what's going to go down 

They can intimidate you very badly. If you are weak emotionally, then you can't handle their anger at all, you will feel frightened and unnerved to the point where you can experience sudden trauma if you are hyper sensitive yourself. You might be permanently scared of them. 

So how can a partner handle borderline Rage and regular borderline outbursts

 

Remember a borderline is not angry at their boyfriend/husband out of hate but out of love. The more they love you the more intense is their anger. The more explosive they get. Because they felt hurt for some reason and their frantic explosive rage is their only means to express their hurt or pain at you. How you will handle this as a partner will be testament of how much you love them and how healthy/beautiful you want to keep the relationship. 

Tactics to deal with a borderline outburst - 

The borderline will slowly escalate a fight with a non lethal argument at first, they might show displeasure. Then they can slowly escalate from there to full blown anger. The anger Can turn to fury followed by a sudden barrage of tears or guilt, helplessness or excessive apologizing 

A borderline is very illogical and irrational during the anger. This is an advantage to the opponent. 

What tactics to use - 

Love them when they are angry. Don't get hostile when they are angry. You have to understand that their goal was not to upset (although it might look like that), but to seek resolution for their hurt and pain by whining at you. 

Put yourself in tactical mode. Don't get emotional with them. Keep any emotion aside. 

The borderline is hyper emotional and irrational right now. They will literally any nonsense to hurt you. Mostly it will have a sarcastic complaining accusatory tone, like "why did you do this to me?" "why did you cheat on me?" 

All of this is their irrationality and paranoia. 

You have to immediately be in tactical mode. Don't let their anger panic you. Don't show any fear.

Any fear on your face will drive the borderline crazier. It's like tiger wanting to suck your blood. Fear on your face will make the Tiger pounce on you. Just stay calm and hold your ground very firmly without flinching 

 

 

A borderline adores machoism 

 

So if you are courageous and holding ground firmly with zero fear, this will be very admirable to the borderline. They might even want to back off just by your display of machoism 

You need to show a lot of machoism and competence when a borderline is angry. They are looking to be defeated or conquered by you. And if you fail to defeat them, they lose all respect for you. 

You have to be calm, show no fear, show no hostility or hate, calmly confront them and logically challenge them. 

Start asking them logical questions because they are going to be very absurd at answering your logical objective questions. They don't know how to answer, and this will completely dismantle their anger within minutes. 

You can't trigger them. They will lose hope. So don't call them "insane" or "crazy" when they so pumped and ready to fight. 

Name calling them during this high energy  fight might make lose trust with you. That shouldn't be your goal. It will be abusive to use their anger to attack them. They are simply emotional and irrational and just looking for a fight as a way or outlet for their inner hurt. 

Do not invalidate their anger. They might feel betrayed 

 

Do not shout or yell at them. That would be like abusing an angry animal. 

Remember that when a borderline is angry, they are simply wild and pumped up. But this is also because they love you so much and don't know how to show their insecurities to you other than exploding into bouts of anger, whining or rage. 

They are still looking for your love even when they are mad at you. They are simply extra mad at you.

 

Don't mock them when they are angry. They will feel insulted. You have to cause the least emotional injury while also winning their trust, diffusing their ticking bomb and winning the fight successfully. 

When a borderline is angry at you, they will treat you like an enemy. They will go at you with intense emotion and there will be a showdown. They are looking to make you as angry and scared as possible and your job is to not let them win. If they win, they will be very disappointed that you didn't fight hard. 

For a borderline, an indication of love is how hard you're ready to fight with them and win it. It means you really want them in their mind despite their ferocious wild energy and hostility they are throwing at you. It's like winning a wild animal. They feel good that you went past their hostile display and won them over. Now they will give up the fight and submit to you without any further resistance. 

What you need to achieve is successfully own them in the middle of a fight. Treat the borderline like an opponent and conquer them. For this you need patience, empathy, machoism, self control and logical reasoning skill. You have to own them and diffuse their wild energy. Diffuse their silly irrationality. 

For a borderline how you respond to their anger or them being mad at you is the ultimate test of your intimacy with them. They want to know if they can trust you enough to freak out at you or be mad at you. 

They can feel very vulnerable if they won a fight as opposed to losing. They weren't looking to win. They were looking to lose. So if you stayed passive and didn't fight, or if you silently took all their accusations and assault, they might end up feeling worthless and depressed and realize that you didn't love them enough to fight. They might lose trust or feel like you aren't invested enough. They will walk away in disappointment. 

 

Deep down the borderline is very hurt and vulnerable and fighting with you is their only hope for a resolution since they have little control over their emotions and a poor logical sense making it impossible for them to have a proper argument with you. 

These are their weaknesses that shouldn't be capitalized on. They shouldn't be hurt or targeted using their weaknesses. They shouldn't have to feel preyed on. Instead they are looking for signs of love and acceptance that you can give them by properly owning their fight, explaining things calmly, open confrontation, handling their over emotionality, challenging their poor sense of logic without insulting them and giving them a reassurance that you still love them.. 

 

 

Edited May 3, 2022 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

Borderlines also use their anger to bond with their partner. 

 

[Preety_India]

General tactics to deal with borderline anger 

 

How to detonate a breathing bomb? 

 

1. Hold your ground and be firm and macho. Show no fear

2. Do not abandon or leave in the middle of the fight 

 

3. Strong eye contact. Look in the eye of the borderline person as you speak to them 

 

4. Explain clearly and  start arguing logically. Display no emotion but show empathy 

5. Do not invalidate the concerns of the borderline person, do not insult them by calling them crazy or stupid or insane 

6. Dismantle their argument with logic and facts 

7. Do not mock or trigger them. Respect them. Do not take their emotions and concerns for granted. They are looking to bond with you chaotically through anger 

8. Empathize with them and tell them that their feelings are understandable (although not rational or logical) 

9. Do not make them feel like they are crazy but let them understand what they feel might not be true and has poor logic 

 

10. Physical affection during argument like hug or kiss or pat on the back can significantly reduce their emotional stress and calm down their hyper nervous pumped up energy 

 

11. Most likely your borderline spouse is autistic. Try to explain things to them as you would explain to a child. Don't confuse them and be as concise and clear as you can 

 

12. They might be on the Verge of a nervous breakdown or burst into a barrage of tears. Console and comfort and let them know that you can be trusted and let them open up about every concern they have about you so that their insecurities and fears (mostly concerning rejection/abandonment /trust) are put to rest 

 

13. Diffuse their anger by being calm and rational with them 

14. Defeat their argument using rational logic and common sense and successfully own them 

 

Borderlines will generally feel a bit embarrassed upon defeat, they will most likely apologize to the spouse, calm down and go back to their business and then come back later for a hug and appreciate your effort in resolving their anger in the fight. They will secretly admire that you owned them and respect you for it. 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited May 3, 2022 by Preety_India