Is My Life Falling Apart? Perspective Appreciated.

[Realms of Wonder]

Lots of "I" talk coming.

 

6.5 weeks ago, I quit social media and YouTube cold turkey, besides one or two slip ups, and very rarely looking up a specific videos for my music or for something intentional I have stopped.  

 

Why?

 

1. I was using both as distraction from the work I want/need to do to develop my self, my music, my health, my relationship with my self, my habits, and so on.

2. YouTube specifically: Yes I was using it to learn, but really, to offload the responsibility of figuring out life for myself. Relying on external sources as a cheap substitute to thinking things through myself. 

3. My mind was getting cluttered, with the images and videos from Instagram/Reels, and information from YouTube, plus all the junk I was putting  in there, mindlessly scrolling through either platform.

4. I was wasting 1-4 hours a day.

 

In the beginning, it was awesome, My mind felt more free, clean and open, I was contemplating things I had been putting off, I bought some notepads and put them all over my apartment and was writing down questions and thinking about them more often. I was eating healthier, I started losing fat, and could even see my abs defined. I was making really good choices. Asking questions I'd never given time to before, which lead to more clarity, uncertainty, and a feeling that I was on the right path. During that time, I moved out! I have been living alone now for 3 weeks. 

 

Here is where it gets interesting.

 

About week 2-3 weeks in, I had a major ego backlash, which I still feel I am facing daily, here and there. 

 

My willpower seemed to drain, I no longer felt as motivated by my music, or reading and so on...

I started snacking more at work (almonds, bacon, chocolate, GF cake, Vegan ice cream, GF Pizzas, and so on.. I work in a kitchen.) Sometimes gorging myself on cake late at night.

I started staying up later and later, sometimes up to 2-3 in the morning, which threw off my morning routines.

I started short-cutting my morning routines, 30 minutes of music practice instead of 45, 20 minutes meditation instead of 30, read for 15 minutes instead of 30, you get the idea.

I began researching DMT, how to extract it, the whole process, then bought all the equipment and got to work. which is fascinating, but I have been focusing more on that then anything else, leading other things not getting the focus they need.

I have been dealing with constipation and bloating, which is improving but its I am allowing it to stress me out. This might sound funny, but uncertainty of your next poop happening or not... Gets to me

My lower self, seems to be louder and louder in my head, trying to seduce me to do things that I have come to understand as bad for my growth.  

 

These are just some of the examples

 

Deeper then all of the behavior, is a deep feeling of fear, that I am going insane, that I am losing grasp of reality, and even worse then that is a feeling that I am actually living less authentically now then I was before.

When it first started coming on I thought "Oh, okay, an ego backlash, makes sense, I have been growing, its about time." but then it continued, on and on it seems. 

 

Whatever is going on, I will not let it stop me, I will continue to show up,  day after day, taking my walks, meditating, creating, reading, asking questions. Its a challenge, and so I look ahead to those of you who have been on the path longer, who understand its twists and turns, ups and downs, better than I.

 

Am I doing something wrong? Or right?

Are these signs that I am growing?

How do I manage the prolonged backlash?

Am I being too impatient? 

What important questions am I not asking?

 

Open to any serious feedback, thank you for your time.

 

-Paul

 

 

 

Edited May 1, 2022 by Realms of Wonder

[Carl-Richard]

Is there a chance you can live without denying yourself social media?

[Waken]

I think you're trying harder than you need to ?
How about being more gentle for yourself and relaxing more. Do things that make you feel good, do what attracts you/feels best to do in the moment, not trying to make it all happen..

I can relate to lowering the contact with technology. For me staring at a screen gives a sort of restless energy in my head, it's nice to lower the exposure to it, or to take more breaks in my case at times

Edited May 1, 2022 by Waken

[LastThursday]

@Realms of Wonder it's natural when you change your lifestyle that you start feeling like a different person. You're not going insane, you're just realising that who you are is more flexible than you thought before. Once you taste freedom from your old self, there can be a tendency to over indulge in that new freedom. You're just experiencing a period of readjustment and it takes time.

Let things take their course, but just keep steering yourself in the right direction. It looks like you'll be ok:

22 minutes ago, Realms of Wonder said:

Whatever is going on, I will not let it stop me, I will continue to show up,

 

[Realms of Wonder]

10 minutes ago, Carl-Richard said:

Is there a chance you can live without denying yourself social media?

Good question, I hadn't thought to ask it from that perspective.

 

I dont know.... The way I have used them in the past has led me to believe they dont have a place in my life, for now. but I could be wrong, maybe a deeper solution would be to ask..

 

Why do I want to waste time scrolling on youtube/instagram?

What feelings am I avoiding by using social media?

What would a healthy relationship with social media be?

Can I change my habits with social media?

 

I see/feel the tension in my mind and body just thinking about it, its like digging in an open wound.

 

[Realms of Wonder]

5 minutes ago, LastThursday said:

@Realms of Wonder it's natural when you change your lifestyle that you start feeling like a different person. You're not going insane, you're just realising that who you are is more flexible than you thought before. Once you taste freedom from your old self, there can be a tendency to over indulge in that new freedom. You're just experiencing a period of readjustment and it takes time.

Let things take their course, but just keep steering yourself in the right direction. It looks like you'll be ok:

 

Thank you for that.. reading this brought a mist of tears to my eyes. You're articulating what I am feeling. 

 

Love that last bit.

[gettoefl]

the time to bed time to rise is life's key ... get that right every day and most stuff falls into place ... no excuses no exceptions no deviations

[SamC]

Trust in yourself. Notice how you can't let yourself partake in social media because you belive you will fuck up if you do. Let go.

This doesn't mean you should start watching youtube, it just means that you should aim to find ways to trust yourself and the universe. Awarness alone is curative. Fullfill your desirea consciously and you will naturally gravitate towards what feels good.

[Preety_India]

I think you are just going through changes that you need to embrace. 

 

[Yarco]

Sounds like you're just going through addiction withdrawal. Social media is addictive just like a drug, especially after years of use.

One of the most important things is that you have to fill that extra 1 - 4 hours per day with something else, or you'll drive yourself crazy. The time that uses the most willpower is when you're bored and going back to social media seems like the perfect solution or time-filler.

[Realms of Wonder]

@Carl-Richard

19 hours ago, Carl-Richard said:

Is there a chance you can live without denying yourself social media?

Would you clarify what you mean by this?

[Realms of Wonder]

19 hours ago, Waken said:

I think you're trying harder than you need to ?
How about being more gentle for yourself and relaxing more. Do things that make you feel good, do what attracts you/feels best to do in the moment, not trying to make it all happen..

I can relate to lowering the contact with technology. For me staring at a screen gives a sort of restless energy in my head, it's nice to lower the exposure to it, or to take more breaks in my case at times

Thank you for this, a gentler approach may be what is needed.

[Realms of Wonder]

5 hours ago, Yarco said:

Sounds like you're just going through addiction withdrawal. Social media is addictive just like a drug, especially after years of use.

One of the most important things is that you have to fill that extra 1 - 4 hours per day with something else, or you'll drive yourself crazy. The time that uses the most willpower is when you're bored and going back to social media seems like the perfect solution or time-filler.

Right on. That could be an explanation. I do fill my time pretty well, maybe too much, I often feel rushed and resistance to my habits, leading me to procrastinate, sleep in, jump on the forum, or something similar.

 

However on days off, I dont fill all my time and it gets very difficult. thanks for the perspective  

[puporing]

Lots of good replies already.. trust your inner guidance. Changes happen with growth, it's like snake shedding its skin. It may appear to be you're losing some part of yourself but it's so the new can appear.  

[Realms of Wonder]

17 hours ago, puporing said:

Lots of good replies already.. trust your inner guidance. Changes happen with growth, it's like snake shedding its skin. It may appear to be you're losing some part of yourself but it's so the new can appear.  

Thank you ❤️
 

It feels like I’m dying a slow death, I’m changing, parts of me are falling away. There’s a feeling of melancholy, the passing away.

 

Thank you for your perspective 

[puporing]

3 hours ago, Realms of Wonder said:

 

It feels like I’m dying a slow death, I’m changing, parts of me are falling away. There’s a feeling of melancholy, the passing away.

Yeah I get that. Some grief around this is normal during a transition. And maybe doubts about yourself as you branch farther and farther away from the majority of the population. ?

[Realms of Wonder]

18 minutes ago, puporing said:

Yeah I get that. Some grief around this is normal during a transition. And maybe doubts about yourself as you branch farther and farther away from the majority of the population. ?

Articulated well, thank you. 

 

I can't depend on anyone to give me Truth, just me, all there is.

 

There's a feeling like I am on the precipice of a breakthrough, in the breaking, before the through.

 

What is your perspective on integration of sadness/melancholy?

[puporing]

17 minutes ago, Realms of Wonder said:

There's a feeling like I am on the precipice of a breakthrough, in the breaking, before the through.

Sounds like you're doing a lot of "deconstructing" right now. It can be scary, re-examining everything you knew/were taught/conditioned with. 

17 minutes ago, Realms of Wonder said:

What is your perspective on integration of sadness/melancholy?

Good question. I kind of embrace it, I think it's a sign that you care, maybe you recognize there's a disharmony around. It changed in form. It used to be more about "me" and "my life", to slowly becoming more and more a reflection of what I see/sense everywhere in "others". It's now a source of motivation to be more loving. 

Don't force yourself though, if you still got healing work to do that's where you are at and you need more attention to yourself right now.

Edited May 3, 2022 by puporing

[Ninja_pig]

@Realms of Wonder 

Honestly your ability to overcome your addiction so far is very inspiring. I struggle with YouTube addiction myself, and I've tried to quit many times, but I always relapse. The longest I've gone is 2 weeks, and I have gone through everything you described. Your determination in the face of the agony of withdrawal makes me think that not all hope is lost. Keep strong, I hope that you are successful and your psyche returns to normal.

You also have healthy habits like music, reading, and meditation that you practice fairly consistently. I just want to say that what you are doing is really quite impressive and the fact that it is hard is no surprise. I think that what you are experiencing is just withdrawal. It is telling you that you really are changing on a deep level. Keep it up! I believe!

 

[Realms of Wonder]

1 hour ago, puporing said:

Sounds like you're doing a lot of "deconstructing" right now. It can be scary, re-examining everything you knew/were taught/conditioned with. 

 

It's like you're in my mind, reading the thoughts I cant yet put words too. 

 

1 hour ago, puporing said:

Good question. I kind of embrace it, I think it's a sign that you care, maybe you recognize there's a disharmony around. It changed in form. It used to be more about "me" and "my life", to slowly becoming more and more a reflection of what I see/sense everywhere in "others". It's now a source of motivation to be more loving. 

Don't force yourself though, if you still got healing work to do that's where you are at and you need more attention to yourself right now.

great perspective, thank you again.