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[Striving for more]

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Edited May 1, 2022 by Striving for more

[Striving for more]

I wrote a negative post, I was back in old traumatic streams of consciousness. 

I recovered in 14 hours, technically 6 hours (sleep). 

I started the day terribly, even missed work. I came back tho

pretty good, normally would take longer to recover. 

I also feel stronger than before the backlash, like tear in muscle fibre that ultimately grows. 

Maybe I am learning to dance with my pain. 

Something happened today that almost made me cry (if I cry or even drop a tear it is significant, I'm not the type that cries easily, even if I want to) (the good aspect to this is it means when I do cry or shed tear I know it's significant, I know I need to hold on to the intuition or moment). 

1. Watching "why valuable things require development over time"
2. An unexpected insight occured 
3. This insight was facilitated with travelling & social experience, particularly 1 night I remember
4. I realized & reconnected with my value, or at least potential value
5. This wasn't a rational or intellectual thing
6. It's very difficult to explicate or put into words, maybe I could with Leo's communication skill, but right now you'd probably have to be me to understand, I don't even want to try, I'm fatigued anyway. 

I feel simultaneously enlightened & distraught from this insight 

• Enlightened to realize how much inexplicable value I have, how high the potential is
• Distraught at how much of it I've pissed away, washed away. At how long it took me to realize. At how many times I doubled down on trauma, how many times I couldn't let it land, or It would land but I'd forget & dive back to old cyclical self abusive patterns. 

I don't like this account, I don't like this journal. I doubt I will post again. 

I see a tear in my eye, I know something is up this time.