I Feel Unloveable By Others

[SQAAD]

When i am by myself , i am usually fine. Generally i respect and value myself. But when i am around others i am very sensitive when i feel like i am not being accepted. It creates a lot of suffering for me...

My parents were terrible because they damaged my self-esteem. They never told me nice things about my personality.  They would always point out my flaws or the things i did wrong. Basically my parents just took care of my base survival needs. They didn't nurture me psychologically.

As a result i became a people pleaser as i grew up. I've worked on myself the last 5 years with lots of journaling, meditating and psychedelics. I am not a people pleaser anymore and i respect and value myself much more than before.

As i said before, when i am alone, i feel great. Nothing bothers me. But when i am around others chimps , i get easily triggered. Today for example i ordered food. And i didn't like the behavior of the delivery guy. I perceived him as rude and kinda disrespectful.It creared suffering for me. Not extreme suffering but still it bothered me. I didn't overanalyze it and gave it too much attention because i knew this would just prolong the misery.

This is a pattern for me. Where i suffer because i feel that someone didn't respect me or thought something negative of me. I feel that if others didn't exist and i was left only with non-human creatures, most of my suffering would be eradicated. Most of my suffering cames from what i perceive as lack of love from others.

I know that the behavior of others is usually not personal but i still suffer. The suffering always goes away but still this is a pattern that keeps repeating. Maybe something similar happens to everyone . I really don't know. It just feels terrible when you feel not accepted and not appreciated. It is the worst psychological pain for me..

What is the point to think highly of yourself when you feel that others think negatively of you? This is the problem in a nutshell. When the opinions of others don't match with your own self-image, that is the worst pain for the ego...Because you feel invalidated. I don't care how confident you are. If you didn't get the validation you wanted from others, you would probably feel terrible too.

 

Edited April 29, 2022 by SQAAD

[JonasVE12]

Those people are merely mirroring how you feel about yourself. They are triggering you for you. For you to see and release what's underneath. No one is intentionally disrespecting you and you probably recognize this, yet react emotionally as if it is personal. 

And also, are you not a people pleaser or are you trying not to be a people pleaser? That's a big difference. 

If you would be grounded in your own self-love and self-validation, you would never take anything personal. Because you love yourself internally.
If you see yourself as a weak unlovable person, you will see signs outside yourself and subconsciously look for signs that validate that feeling you have. 

I had all of these issues as well, and a lot more. 

To finally release those issues permanently, you need to spend some years of your life immersing yourself in social interactions to trigger all those parts of yourself that you're suppressing. You need to seek out people that trigger stuff in your body. This can be any contractive emotion.

Shame, fear, embarrassment, anger, pride, etc. Go into the world and move in a way that it will have you confront those emotions.

Whenever you get triggered, you can welcome courage, acceptance and self-love through your body and if you do this consistently, your body is going to release naturally and remember the lighter state of feeling associated with the trigger, and you'll start to be in this state naturally after a while, but you have to seek tension as a catalyst for the emotions to come to the surface and then do this process of welcoming higher emotions in your body. Without tension, you're not going to be triggered. 

Meditation, journaling and psychedelics rarely trigger those emotions that underlie your interpersonal blocks. For that you need to move into the world and become exposed to tension. Because that's the nature of your issue. Interpersonal shame. Not feeling good enough in relationship to others. Not feeling included. Isolated. Unloved. lonely....

The more you open your heart, become connected to your stomach, your spine and legs, the more you will feel grounded and open. At first, your triggers will make you want to close down, but you have to gradually bring this warm energy of relaxation and love into the parts you have the vulnerability in. 

It's really simple:

People pleaser and nice guy -> Release reactivity during interactions, have thousands of conversations where you do something egoistical. Release the shame from your body when it comes up when you push the tension by doing something selfish. People will push back on you. Now it's your job to ground any reactivity and to release what comes up. 

Feel unaccepted in groups -> Seek to connect to people 1-1, 2-1 and 3-1 and move towards bigger groups at sports for example and practice opening, grounding etc. 

This grounding, openness, lightness, confidence and self-love are the reward of an intense journey. They are things you will embody the more you get triggered and welcome higher emotions. And it will compound. Low tension first, then higher tension. 

The most important thing to realize is that to embody these above feelings, you need to appreciate that healing is a process of interpersonal mirroring where when you start to internally release your emotions while inside tension, your external reality starts to mirror it and confirm to yourself the process of transformation. And slowly, you start to get on board fully and permanently. You start to see that people love you, feel it, and finally accept and integrate that you are indeed lovable. Your parents didn't make you feel it. So now you have to teach it to yourself. And it's not something that can be done by journaling, meditating, etc. Yes, it all helps and is important. But you really need to step into the triggers heads-on. Through this process, you're releasing attachments and aversions in your body. Things you're not willing to feel. 

Edited April 29, 2022 by JonasVE12

[Loba]

Dude; stop.  You are NOT unlovable.  Look at all the women who love people who don't deserve it?  And you think ""you're"" unlovable?  No way.  Not true, what is actually preventing you from true love?  Where?  Why?  How?  Look into it.  You deserve love.  Holy moly.  The amount of people who think they are less... GEEEEEZZZZ... I wish I could give you the expertise of the life of someone who get a lot of attention, but no love... it comes from within.  I am dead, dead, dead....so freaking dead serious that you deserve true love.

What is truly going on that prevents you from finding love?????  Fix that.

For me, it is emotional disorder.  I want it calmed before seeking a mate

For you?  Is it harm OCD?  Work on that - I have a course I bought in spiritual discernment, cleansing, etc, sent me a note and I will send it your way.

[Preety_India]

I understand where you are coming from. It will hurt a long time. Seek love. With others as well as within yourself. 

Things will be okay. 

I thought I was unlovable for the longest time. 

 

But working on it. 

 

[Preety_India]

@Loba glad willow is doing well. 

 

[Raze]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x1pX0Ylej9o
 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=byRYKW0pDuc

 

 

[Tristan12]

4 hours ago, Loba said:

Dude; stop.  You are NOT unlovable.  Look at all the women who love people who don't deserve it?  And you think ""you're"" unlovable?  No way.  Not true, what is actually preventing you from true love?  Where?  Why?  How?  Look into it.  You deserve love.  Holy moly.  The amount of people who think they are less... GEEEEEZZZZ... I wish I could give you the expertise of the life of someone who get a lot of attention, but no love... it comes from within.  I am dead, dead, dead....so freaking dead serious that you deserve true love.

What is truly going on that prevents you from finding love?????  Fix that.

For me, it is emotional disorder.  I want it calmed before seeking a mate

For you?  Is it harm OCD?  Work on that - I have a course I bought in spiritual discernment, cleansing, etc, sent me a note and I will send it your way.

Thinking you are unlovable ultimately comes from unintegrated shame from childhood, which means its emotionally based. It's an emotion trapped within you that needs to be felt through and released. Because of that, its not just the case that people who think they are unworthy or unlovable just believe something crazy and need to change how they think, so you can't resolve this issue (at least at the root) just by trying to tell yourself how worthy you are, or telling yourself to stop thinking you're unlovable. No amount of doing that will resolve anything. By doing that you are just opposing and invalidating your own emotions of shame. You're better off telling yourself/knowing that its completely okay to feel unlovable, and then just be with that feeling and let yourself feel it, rather than opposing it and trying to get rid of it. It will naturally become much easier to deal with at that point.

You will need to process and release that emotion of shame that is trapped within you from childhood to be able to heal and resolve this issue completely.

[Preety_India]

1 hour ago, Tristan12 said:

Thinking you are unlovable ultimately comes from unintegrated shame from childhood, which means its emotionally based. It's an emotion trapped within you that needs to be felt through and released. Because of that, its not just the case that people who think they are unworthy or unlovable just believe something crazy and need to change how they think, so you can't resolve this issue (at least at the root) just by trying to tell yourself how worthy you are, or telling yourself to stop thinking you're unlovable. No amount of doing that will resolve anything. By doing that you are just opposing and invalidating your own emotions of shame. You're better off telling yourself/knowing that its completely okay to feel unlovable, and then just be with that feeling and let yourself feel it, rather than opposing it and trying to get rid of it. It will naturally become much easier to deal with at that point.

You will need to process and release that emotion of shame that is trapped within you from childhood to be able to heal and resolve this issue completely.

One way to deal with this can be to oppose the whole idea of what's lovable or unlovable and to accept that everything is inherently lovable(no matter what) like absolute meta perspective. 

 

Edited April 30, 2022 by Preety_India

[RickyFitts]

2 hours ago, Tristan12 said:

Thinking you are unlovable ultimately comes from unintegrated shame from childhood, which means its emotionally based. It's an emotion trapped within you that needs to be felt through and released. Because of that, its not just the case that people who think they are unworthy or unlovable just believe something crazy and need to change how they think, so you can't resolve this issue (at least at the root) just by trying to tell yourself how worthy you are, or telling yourself to stop thinking you're unlovable. No amount of doing that will resolve anything. By doing that you are just opposing and invalidating your own emotions of shame. You're better off telling yourself/knowing that its completely okay to feel unlovable, and then just be with that feeling and let yourself feel it, rather than opposing it and trying to get rid of it. It will naturally become much easier to deal with at that point.

You will need to process and release that emotion of shame that is trapped within you from childhood to be able to heal and resolve this issue completely.

Absolutely agree with this, well said - 'you can only heal what you can feel', as Teal Swan has so astutely observed. Fuck of a lot easier said than done, it has to be said, but you can't rationalise these feelings away.

[SQAAD]

@JonasVE12 

16 hours ago, JonasVE12 said:

 

. At first, your triggers will make you want to close down, but you have to gradually bring this warm energy of relaxation and love into the parts you have the vulnerability in. 

It's really simple:

People pleaser and nice guy -> Release reactivity during interactions, have thousands of conversations where you do something egoistical. Release the shame from your body when it comes up when you push the tension by doing something selfish. People will push back on you. Now it's your job to ground any reactivity and to release what comes up. 

Feel unaccepted in groups -> Seek to connect to people 1-1, 2-1 and 3-1 and move towards bigger groups at sports for example and practice opening, grounding etc. 

This grounding, openness, lightness, confidence and self-love are the reward of an intense journey. They are things you will embody the more you get triggered and welcome higher emotions. And it will compound. Low tension first, then higher tension. 

The most important thing to realize is that to embody these above feelings, you need to appreciate that healing is a process of interpersonal mirroring where when you start to internally release your emotions while inside tension, your external reality starts to mirror it and confirm to yourself the process of transformation. And slowly, you start to get on board fully and permanently. You start to see that people love you, feel it, and finally accept and integrate that you are indeed lovable. Your parents didn't make you feel it. So now you have to teach it to yourself. And it's not something that can be done by journaling, meditating, etc. Yes, it all helps and is important. But you really need to step into the triggers heads-on. Through this process, you're releasing attachments and aversions in your body. Things you're not willing to feel. 

Nice advice man. Thank you.

I didn't fully understand this part. So when i feel hurt by someone else, should i try to change my state or just let the hurt stay as long as it wants? 

 

[SQAAD]

@Tristan12

7 hours ago, Tristan12 said:

Thinking you are unlovable ultimately comes from unintegrated shame from childhood, which means its emotionally based. It's an emotion trapped within you that needs to be felt through and released. Because of that, its not just the case that people who think they are unworthy or unlovable just believe something crazy and need to change how they think, so you can't resolve this issue (at least at the root) just by trying to tell yourself how worthy you are, or telling yourself to stop thinking you're unlovable. No amount of doing that will resolve anything. By doing that you are just opposing and invalidating your own emotions of shame. You're better off telling yourself/knowing that its completely okay to feel unlovable, and then just be with that feeling and let yourself feel it, rather than opposing it and trying to get rid of it. It will naturally become much easier to deal with at that point.

You will need to process and release that emotion of shame that is trapped within you from childhood to be able to heal and resolve this issue completely.

You nailed it man. Yes when i was 6-7 , something happened that caused me a LOT of shame.... It was the most shame i've ever felt in my entire life.

Generally i think positive of myself but when i am around others, sometimes i get triggered and believe that there maybe something wrong or odd with me.

Edited April 30, 2022 by SQAAD

[Yarco]

Personally I find this is a byproduct of seclusion and not talking to people or going out enough.

If I don't leave my house for like a week, I'll become hyper-aware and hyper-sensitive to all the little mannerisms of people and read way too deep into little accidental things that probably didn't mean anything, like you did with the delivery guy.

If you walk past hundreds of people a day or are forced to interact with dozens of people a day, your brain doesn't have time to over-analyze all the little micro stuff. You get numb to it and it just becomes background noise again.

You can try going and walking around a mall for an hour or so a week to start trying to desensitize yourself.

I don't really get how the delivery guy thing ties into the idea of being unlovable though. I don't think it's reasonable to expect a delivery guy to love (or even like) you. It's just a 1 minute business transaction then neither of you will see or think about the other again. The healthy reaction is to be completely ambivalent in that type of situation. At the same time I kinda get it though. I'll put nicer clothes on when I'm expecting a delivery and worry what they think of me from our interaction, when really they see 100 people a day and don't give a crap.

If you feel unlovable with family, friends, or anyone you have an ongoing relationship with, then that's different.

Edited May 1, 2022 by Yarco

[ll Ontology ll]

@SQAAD

There is a socially reactionary imaginary belt that exists around consciousness that for most people on planet earth they’re socially conditioned to be codependent towards. 

It is an endless unforeseeable loop between social presence and social prison that some people face depending on the pre-existing associative memories they have planted within their energy being.

You must go into your being and begin to imagine the most nerve wrecking social experiences you’ve ever faced and begin to follow something akin to the vipassana exercise to sit through them. 

(I would also share my own processing techniques but I want it to be blatantly known that for SEP it is pure organic in the moment aid that I want to provide others, if anyone that posts wishes to read my other journals that’s completely up to them however I am in no business to get them signed up to anything)

You have anxiety, this you already know however you must identify all the instances that have contributed to you not yet solving this problem for yourself. 

I haven’t sat down with my past negative experiences and processed them in a healthy way. True or false?

I haven’t started a private journal where I write out the instances where I felt the anxiety/related throughout the day then re-experienced those instances at the end of the day to process them. True or false?

After the processing I didn’t write out learning lessons that I would remind myself about in a daily basis so I could positively reinforce new behaviours for my subconscious to follow when in social experiences. True or false?

After doing all of the above I didn’t continue doing it in order to truly train my subconscious mind to experience the new world I would have experienced post fully integrating the lessons from those experiences I taught myself. True or false?

Answers to these statements are of course for your own personal understanding, no need to share.

My father sounds a lot like how your parents were so I can completely relate. You’ve obviously intuitively done a great job at discerning the relationship between how your parents treated you, the lack of acceptance you in turn inferred and how this set you up to feel not accepted by your peers and otherwise when you found yourself in social situations or just try odd that spring to memory most which relate to these insecure feelings.

Nurturing ourselves psychologically starts right now with yourself and learning to associate that responsibility only from yourself. Like I did you will have lingering associations that may link you to weak psychological impressions that you still want your parents to nurture even though they’re no longer in the same position they were to create rightness here. Moreover more than the feeling social acceptance and self acceptance what you need is an acceptance of what is, what is happened and the emotional learning you need to now come to terms with as it concerns teaching yourself to heal from those experiences through your own resourcefulness regarding what books to read and how to practice the lessons in those books.

As stipulated, at the very least on a nightly basis you need to train your awareness including your social awareness through your imagination on a nightly basis. Combine this with the true/false exercises by going inside of those simulations and teaching yourself in those moments to create new emotional associations with your experience. Again, this is going to improve you three fold, you will grow your awareness, emotional intelligence and social intelligence all in unique ways here, in combination I guarantee you incrementally overtime you will see the changes that you so desire in your reactions to the social world around you. In processing those experiences in this simulation world do not of course forget vipassana, in no way should you use the imagination to dissociate in this instance, it is all about reconnecting with what’s true by remember to activate the lessons as well that you will learn by following your intuition through this experience. Those lessons that as noted to you will write down.

For everything else, you will learn it yourself. This will be the foundation you need to build a bridge between your present difficulties and a higher level of self awareness that puts all this in the past for you after just a little bit of patience on your part.

As I began this entry, this will shift you from social codependent actions to increasingly more interdependent social reactions. Much love and respect!

All the best!

[Breakingthewall]

you have to be absolutely open with people and that social anxiety will completely disappear. Talk openly with the people closest to you about the things that embarrass you the most. if you feel a resistance, a need to hide, get over it. At first it's difficult, but goes easier very fast. You just have to start.  Expose yourself completely, don't adapt to the situation, expose your thing and that's it. You will see that what scared you was nothing

Edited May 1, 2022 by Breakingthewall

[JonasVE12]

On 30-4-2022 at 2:21 PM, SQAAD said:

I didn't fully understand this part. So when i feel hurt by someone else, should i try to change my state or just let the hurt stay as long as it wants? 

I would also reframe the thinking a bit. People can't make you feel hurt. It's always you. Everything that you feel and think is all you. You are revealing what's already there. That's the thing. It's all stuff coming up in your body in response to deeper emotional blockages you have, and to release those, yes, in the moment you allow it, you welcome it fully, you say yes with your body and you open your heart. instead of becoming reactive and pushing it down. You relax your perineum, legs, facial muscles and you let the feelings go through you into the ground as if you were a lightning rot grounding lightning. And you do this until all that intensity is removed from the body and you feel lighter again. You need full presence in your body. 

That's how you start to release emotions. Usually when people get triggered, they tense up, and hold the energy inside their body, which takes their mind on these spins which you were on. That's basically because you are resisting the sensations, not allowing them to be, and then loving them and letting them go. In those spins, it's all about trying to solve the problem, thinking about it, analyzing, being stuck, it seems hard etc. While in actuality, you just need to go back to the body and process it. Then it removes from your consciousness once you process all the layers.

The key to shift permanently into a higher emotional state is to constantly expose yourself to your triggers and then release them through more depth of feeling. You can't expect to change if you just depend on your anger, shame and anxiety coming up when you take food from the delivery guy.

Just as someone with extreme shyness needs to have a high amount of social interactions in order for all that shame to come up and then process it. There is always a lot of layers to emotions. Each interaction releases some of it.

You need to find out how you can start to feel more of your own emotions. Because ultimately, it's the feelings in our body that direct our life. 

So you shouldn't only do this feeling thing when you feel hurt, you should integrate it into your life and make it muscle memory. And you should seek to get hurt in all sorts of ways so you can become more powerful in feeling, grounding, welcoming, opening, accepting, becoming courageous, loving etc towards those emotions. 

[ll Ontology ll]

@Aleister Crowleyy Feedback appreciated and that goes for everyone, if anyone ever has any difficulty in understanding any one thing I say just holla out and I'll re-explain.

Sometimes I am in a rush however and I want to leave it in others hands to have the confidence to invite intelligent questions that deserve answering, which I will do with integrity, at all times.

@Aleister Crowleyy If you wish to invite discussion on any aspect where you believe I am pretending, by all means and we can discuss things in depth from there, make it a deep learning exercise for everyone involved. 

Best.

[ll Ontology ll]

2 minutes ago, Aleister Crowleyy said:

What are your estimated hours of properly executed sadhanas a week, in relation to the sum total hours spent mentally masturbating to spiritual concepts and ideas?

@Aleister Crowleyy I don't "spiritually masturbate" to others ideas. I follow my own path. You follow yours. Focus on what is true here, not in your assumptions. Do not waste my time. Thank you.

 

5 minutes ago, Aleister Crowleyy said:

No.

You can't think your way out of emotional instability. Psychedelics are suitable for this area.

For correction, understanding emotional stability is the first point of stability, that comes from awareness. Psychedelics are to be used by those that are ready for them and no one else. It is irresponsible to be suggesting psychedelics in SEP area.

[ll Ontology ll]

1 minute ago, Aleister Crowleyy said:

No one is ever ready for Psychedelics. That is a fantasy, don't be silly.

You do spiritually masturbate to spiritual ideas which you have gathered. If not, you wouldn't write these book length stories on here. You would be doing Sadhanas. I even do this so how are you not subject to it as well as an amateur in this work. #Ipsissimus.

93/93

 

@Aleister Crowleyy When you post in SEP I'll be sure to write a response to help you out. Until then, I'm off to avoid having anymore of my time wasted. Genuine questions with lengthy explanations only from you are the only ones that I will now respond to, if you cause any problems to anyone and they don't deserve it you know you'll be hearing from me.

Best.

[Preety_India]

People who talk about Sadhanas don't target mentally ill people, just saying. 

Maybe don't waste time of people who actually want to do good things 

 

[Asayake]

4 hours ago, Aleister Crowleyy said:

No one is ever ready for Psychedelics. That is a fantasy, don't be silly.

You do spiritually masturbate to spiritual ideas which you have gathered. If not, you wouldn't write these book length stories on here. You would be doing Sadhanas. I even do this so how are you not subject to it as well as an amateur in this work. #Ipsissimus.

93/93

 

I can't tell if you're trolling or not. Calling others whom you know nothing about "amateurs in this work", implying that you know more than them, which you probably don't. And even if you did, do you think your approach will make others inclined to listen to what you have to say? It doesn't seem to be working too well judging from the response you got..