Self-actualization Journey

[ValiantSalvatore]

Hey,

I've been following this channel for quite some time now and I am quite done now how things are and just need a different perspective on things or some guide/mentor on the current life situation and a couple of people.

I started meditating now almost two years ago mainly because I was not happy how things were in my life. Then I found Leo's channel and was first pretty pissed off how he talked to his audience or rather to my "ego". I failed school in Germany it is a bit different here so, I had to volunteer for one year or do an internship to get a degree to go to university/college which I did. After failing school I was pretty down and just went on how things were. Which seemed to not to work out which is why I choose to watch "spiritual" talks and self-improvement videos. 

Things which made me mess up school were.

- smoking

- smoking weed

- not learning

- not going to school

- not being able to handle emotions

- not knowing how to learn

- partying, hanging out with the wrong people

I basically just fell through the oral examination everything else I passed not even with bad grades like a B in computer science a B- C+ in English and economics I messed up so it`s basically a D- if even or smth. 

After the failed exams I "volunteered" at the hospital for one year to get the degree. Which was pretty much an eye opener to see how a corporation works and working for the firs time of my life. Long story short I started a meditation practice and they also send you to seminars so, I was starting to be able to be more socially active and also I stopped smoking weed and cigarettes it is over a year since then. And also started journaling.

Now I had to decide what I wanted to do with "my life" let`s say it like this lol. Either way start an apprenticeship or start studying. I choose none of these, instead I choose to travel and went to china but before I had 6 months of free time. I read watched a lot of videos and bought books for about 300 euro and choose to "invest" in myself. I did not read all of them and now I just have horrible time management and I am still struggling to implement that habit. A couple of books just to give an overview (also have an audible account which I also mention here aka the books ) Alan watts You are it, Stephen Covey 7 habits of highly effective people, Viktor E. Frankel A man's search for meaning, Dale Carnegie How to win friends and influence people and how to stop worrying, Jonathan Heidt The happiness hypothesis, 2 books more on happiness from Leo's book list and more. 

I really wanted to know what doI want to do with my life and not shit piss it away like I am still doing to a degree and just really enjoyed reading all of these books and developing. Especially I enjoyed the books of alan watts I really enjoy his philosophy or just listen to him. For instance Live is utterly meaningless... so why not create the best and most enjoyable live that you can exactly because everything vanishes at one point. ( Not an exact quote).

So.. back to the story I went to china for 6 months and lived there in Beijing I paid an agency which helped me organize things and get an internship there ( which was horrible paid ofc ) and helped me finding an apartment. I saved money from the federal voluntary service in the hospital to pay for this and my mom and dad supported me. China was amazing so many new people and being in Beijing with 20 milliom+ people coming from a small town with 100k. Beijing is vast the hectic lifestyle, so many people in the subway so many lights and sounds and ah people. I worked at an office writing product descriptions in English and communication was mainly in English I learned and still learning a bit Chinese. Meet very awesome and intelligent people there had great roommates and in general it was an awesome time to reflect, think, be free, enjoy and develop at the same time without even noticing it. (Side Note: did keep my meditation practice 1h a day while traveling I did lying meditation) I had to go to Korea to extend my visa for three days. I meditated at the river there after going for a jog I believe every day which was just freaking awesome. I loved it.  

Meet some very cool Norwegian people and had loads of fun interacting with all kinds of people from different places. I also meet one guy in Shanghai who gave me all of this journal entries ( pdf) from his travels in Japan and India. He traveled inside Japan with a bike which he luckily received from a couple of American's because you have to register bikes in Japan and need to have a residency. He slept outside in a tent. I feel bad not reading all those journal entries yet. This guy had nothing to loose and just did whatever he wanted with the amount of money he had available. He also meditated and lived in an ashram for one year and I was actually able to hold a conversation with a person about things that interested me during this time and not talk about games, brands, people, work etc. 

After coming back to Germany the first thing which surprised me how many or how diverse people are here especially in my hometown with diverse I consider their ethnic background here. I am half white, half black Germerican. ( Learned English in school hate it when people ask me if I can speak English fluently or take it for granted that my English "should" be good just keep the later statement the first is actually ok nvm). This has always like racism been a topic for me I just really was surprised how many "foreigners" there are here. I can't really tell what I learned from this journey.

Of course, social skills got better and I lived for the first time alone and that in a different country. ( had to call coworkers to explain how the washing machine works lol ). I matured a lot and sometimes I feel I am just different than my peers. Because I meditate and reflect a lot mainly. I am currently into Ken Wilber's work which explains things a lot for me and why some people are just egoistic or stuck in egoic behaviors or in general extremely conditioned by society or parents etc. 

Let me finally get to the point why I am even writing this post. I am now at University studying a major which is relatable to computer science with some aspects of business. I feel/t horribly stupid and looked into imposter syndrome. Also took before going to China even a course learning how to learn and a grammar English course online. I just feel like I can't keep up with them I watched Leo's video about acing school, studying etc.. ( The two videos about school) a couple of times, did the exercise two times. Did value exercises or the test online with books like authentic happiness and contemplated about them a lot during day to day live. I don't drink, smoke, do drugs or waste time playing endlessly video games I quite TV 2 years ago because after reading 1984 I just saw how people get manipulated and how it shapes their identity how they act, think, speak etc. This is insane. I still know that I am a product of past conditioning especially of society in my case lets say. The notions about mixed people or how they treat me is not very nice. Racism is extremely subtle or can be and I notice it almost every day. I can't change it I can work on myself to not let if affect me so more which it does.

Okay back again to university right now we are in the exam phase and  I messed up math or did not study well enough today. Which just triggered me and led me to write this post. I implemented the advice from Leo and started studying 2-6 hours a day depending on how much needed to be done. Some stuff was just undoable I do not know what they expected of us and how we should be able to manage this amount of knowledge. The exercises for the cs class took to much time and we also had design classes in which we learned photoshop etc. Which sucked up the most time for all of the students this is known around the campus. I just feel very stupid and to be honest, would like to increase intelligence I read so much about IQ on Quora and scientific papers. Basically yeah I am just not going to talk about it read it for yourself. What definitely has gotten better is concentration and will power thanks to meditation. Our professor showed us the statistic of students who are going to fail exams this year. One-quarter is going to fail and while continuing to study during the next semesters most people will not be able to stay on track and fall behind and repeat a semester. So I set a goal at the beginning to not fail exams and to write better marks than expected. I asked a friend who is good in math because this is my weakest subject to help me study. She helped me a lot and while working on the 4th of 11 exercises sheets she just canceled all of the future learning together's sorry my brain is getting tired. I did so much for design and tried to keep up with computer science that I had not much time for math I learned an hour here and then between the times where I had not so much to do. Learning math alone is possible actually yet some topic like combinatorics I just do not get them. Logical thinking is under-developed I have no idea why I do not get it. I also do not recognize the patterns in them which I am actually kinda good at. I am tired of being not a good student or doing poorly in school/uni especially because I was one of the best in 5th and 6th grade if that counts. I had a lot of potential that did not develop this is what pisses me really of. There are many reasons for this ofc. this is also my fault. 

People always tell me why I am so hard on myself. I am way kinder than I used to be still I am hard on myself. I have so many insecurities I think and doubts. I never had a girlfriend. Of course, watched Leo's videos on that lol took only one site of notes though. A girl asked me to meet because we have been chatting for some time(a year..). I have a lot of thoughts on my mind like people who even make the effort to read this can tell. I am just at a point where I can't tell if I am ready to enter a relationship because I do not want to play around or have anything too serious. I am able to commit I can tell that and see what it will if we both are able to enjoy just what is or not. I am completely fine with that. Still, I have doubts like what is if she is too smart and we are not able to hold a decent conversation. Or how we would be judged as an interracial couple and the kind of looks that we would get ( she white). I am sensitive to emotions in the environment you can laugh I don't care lol my intuition about people and situations that involve people, only people are spot on. 90% + After reading about body language and the increased amount of empathy I have now which also results from meditation just skyrocketed intuition. I can even tell that some Professors are just behind on some levels of development for instance morally thanks to Ken Wilber's work if this is true or not I don't know. Currently, I am seeing through this lens and want to see if any of this work from Ken Wilber is beneficial or even valid. If someone has actually some papers on the research he talks about I would be glad if someone sends/shares the link. Also, I see Professors who are either on the same level or above and I get along with them extremely well still I am shy so I do not approach them or ask things like. Do you meditate lol. So I can definitely tell that I still have a lot of work to do on some levels. 

I imagine someone commenting this and ask myself what is he supposed to reply or answer to? This is just a mess of weird experiences, stories and reflections/thoughts. I am struggling to deal with one manipulative girl lets just assume that I know a bit and read a bit about manipulation and especially passive-aggressive behavior. I never saw a person who can make you feel so good and see your vulnerabilities at the same time not give a shit about you even when you cared or listened to her, be deep and so superficial at the same time. Talk behind people's back ( she stopped now I believe) and care about them or just show that you care about them at the same time. I just want to know how to deal with such people she is smart and to a degree emotionally very smart but has no real self-awareness just how she "wants to be perceivedf" or how other perceive her through their image of her. You can take this with a grain of salt, of course, I do not know everything about this person and I live by the motto forgive but don't forget.  I got to know her and I penetrate under the surface real quick because I want to bond with people on an emotional level and hate superficial small talk. Which can be appropriate at times yet there is a difference between judging small talk or just talking about experiences and things... she did the latter to an extreme. Even her friends said this was insane. She is changing now and I hope she gets whatever she wants. I want to know how to deal with such a person in the future? Also if someone is capable or wants to or has the time to comment on this and give me a different perspective or way on how to deal with. School, life in general, girls, relationship's etc. in context ofc... I am very thankful and appreciate it a lot. ( I will probably buy the life purpose course because I am sick of doing things not 100% committed this is not the best motivation and I will find intrinsic one) I am out. lol enough

 

 

Edited January 28, 2017 by ValiantSalvatore

[Bodhi123]

@ValiantSalvatore I did read the full post even though it is a very long post  However, the fact that it is a very long post tells me that you cared enough to put some thought and effort into your post. Here is my advice and thoughts:

It is clear that you take self-actualization seriously and you have a strong desire to be your best. I think it is great that you had the opportunity to travel because it will give you a perspective that you otherwise would not have had. As far as school, you seem like an intelligent person that has a lot of potential. I would just caution you to make sure that your career choice is one that you are passionate about and brings you some type of fulfillment.

As far as girls, my advice is DO NOT spend your time and energy on a manipulative girl. Do not try to change her and do not accept her manipulative behavior. Simply disconnect from her and go your separate ways. Trust me you will avoid a lot of unnecessary suffering.

However, if you are fortunate enough to find a girl that is intelligent, kind, good-natured, and honest... then definitely take a chance and pursue a relationship with her. A romantic relationship that is loving and mutually beneficial will bring you a type of happiness that is unique and special. This type of relationship will teach you a lot about yourself and life in general. It is worth the risk.

Good luck to you as you go forward with your life

[ValiantSalvatore]

Thanks for the reply. I read it a couple of times now over the last days. The first time I read it it felt like a post or something you would read from Deepak Chopra so well thanks for that. I will take my chances with the girl who is interested, kinda tired of hiding inside a shell. The part of intelligent person that has a lot of potential I take that with a grain of salt since that is something you can say to everyone just to build them up. Even if that was the intention thanks lol. As far as passion goes this is one reason why I want to buy the life purpose course, I contemplated death a couple of times and kept journaling looked into the past what I liked as kid etc. Following somethings I am "passionate" about today, learning chinese and learning java programming are two things I want to do right now. Still there is so much more I want to do so I can't really decide. 

I like the perspective of Alan Watts everything in the end is utterly meaningless, wether I am going to become a billionair or learn to speak chinese fluently or create the life that I always wanted. In the end it will be gone. So now he says... This is awesome ! When nothing matters why not choose and do the things you really like and love doing even when they don't matter you are making the experience now! That is at least what I think. Back in school we had the topic ethics. What are or is ethics ? Our teacher handed us a sheet and the explanation there was " To make life as pleasant as possible ". So this is pretty much the philosophie I follow. Hope this gives something back I don't know what if this is of any value to you lol. 

Edited February 3, 2017 by ValiantSalvatore