Relationship with a bpd girlfriend?

[Preety_India]

@thibault was she officially diagnosed? 

 

[thibault]

2 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

@thibault was she officially diagnosed? 

 

Yes although she did tell me she did not believe the diagnosis but after reading up on it more after the relationship ended, I can only say that it seems highly likely to me that it was an appropriate diagnosis.

Edited April 28, 2022 by thibault

[Preety_India]

@thibault I don't understand her behavior from my viewpoint on how bpd works. It could be that she is just a messy person because I did not observe a specific trait in her behavior that I can associate with bpd. Looks like she was just confused about the nature of the relationship. 

 

[thibault]

46 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

@thibault I don't understand her behavior from my viewpoint on how bpd works. It could be that she is just a messy person because I did not observe a specific trait in her behavior that I can associate with bpd. Looks like she was just confused about the nature of the relationship. 

 

I understand. Here are the aspects of the story I would identify as "BPD-like".

• She was very quick to share very intimate, traumatic aspects of her life on our first date together. Although I'd known her for a while, we'd never been more than acquaintances and she jumped from that to sharing incredibly intimate things about her personal life. A form of "oversharing" I guess which unless I'm mistaken is common in people with BPD.
• Right after this she steered me into a sexual interaction in a way that I think was rushed and that I later interpreted as "I am not confident in my ability to choose sexual partners so I am in a rush to find out what they are like in bed before getting attached to them"
• Mood changes from one date to the next where in one instance we could be extremely close and intimate and the next she would be cold or angry. This was completely unprovoked.
• I didn't describe her general demeanor but she was very volatile. She could switch from being very fun and happy one instant to immediately becoming closed, combative, angry if things did not go her way.

There's also more details I could give that might enable you to see her point of view but I simply don't want to. I think some things are fine to talk about and others should stay private, there's only so much I feel comfortable disclosing to strangers online. I also understand that maybe I focused on aspects that for you are not representative of BPD but I wanted to give MY perspective of what it was like to be in a relationship with a girl with BPD which means I highlighted the difference that I saw with her compared to other girls I dated, not her perception of the what was going on. I thought this is what you wanted. But if you want me to do my best attempt at armchair psychoanalyzing what was going on for her I can also try to do that, just let me know.

For me whether she was "officially" BPD or not is irrelevant. All I know is she was diagnosed with it and that she showed several signs from my limited reading about it online like unstable identity (changing her mind on deeply important things one day to the next), fear of abandonment (irrationally afraid that I would leave her when every time it was HER who wanted to leave), and other more sinister symptoms of BPD that I'm sure you are familiar with but that I would rather not go into details here out of respect for her.

Edited April 28, 2022 by thibault

[Preety_India]

2 minutes ago, thibault said:

• She was very quick to share very intimate, traumatic aspects of her life on our first date together. Although I'd known her for a while, we'd never been more than acquaintances and she jumped from that to sharing incredibly intimate things about he personal life. A form of "oversharing" I guess which unless I'm mistaken is common in people with BPD.
• Right after this she steered me into a sexual interaction in a way that I think was rushed and that I later interpreted as "I am not confident in my ability to choose sexual partners so I am in a rush to find out what they are like in bed before getting attached to them"
• Mood changes from one date to the next where in one instance we could be extremely close and intimate and the next she would be cold or angry. This was completely unprovoked.
• I didn't describe her general demeanor but she was very volatile. She could switch from being very fun and happy one instant to immediately becoming closed, combative, angry if things did not go her way.

Here is my problem. Maybe signs and symptoms vary from person to person. But I observe a lot of contradictions. 

 

She was very quick to share very intimate, traumatic aspects of her life on our first date together. Although I'd known her for a while, we'd never been more than acquaintances and she jumped from that to sharing incredibly intimate things about he personal life. A form of "oversharing" I guess which unless I'm mistaken is common in people with BPD.

Oversharing is not common in bpd at least not with complete strangers. Bpd are extremely slow to trust anyone and the last thing they will do is share something with a stranger. This sounds more like bipolar 

 

Right after this she steered me into a sexual interaction in a way that I think was rushed and that I later interpreted as "I am not confident in my ability to choose sexual partners so I am in a rush to find out what they are like in bed before getting attached to them"

Bpd is not sexual right away. But bipolar are. Bpd is very untrusting. Sex is the last thing they will think especially with lack of trust 

 

Mood changes from one date to the next where in one instance we could be extremely close and intimate and the next she would be cold or angry. This was completely unprovoked.

Bpd is not generally cold, they are slow to attach but they won't let go easily. They can get angry but anger in bpd needs proper provocation. Anger in bipolar needs no provocation. Bipolar can suddenly act cold 

I didn't describe her general demeanor but she was very volatile. She could switch from being very fun and happy one instant to immediately becoming closed, combative, angry if things did not go her way.

This can be an npd feature commonly seen in bipolar 

 

Often times bipolar often gets misdiagnosed as bpd. If she was bpd she wouldn't even want to meet you the next day and no way would she get intimate. Bpd has the hardest time trusting. 

My guess is that she is bipolar but got mistyped as bpd. 

 

 

[thibault]

3 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

Here is my problem. Maybe signs and symptoms vary from person to person. But I observe a lot of contradictions. 

 

She was very quick to share very intimate, traumatic aspects of her life on our first date together. Although I'd known her for a while, we'd never been more than acquaintances and she jumped from that to sharing incredibly intimate things about he personal life. A form of "oversharing" I guess which unless I'm mistaken is common in people with BPD.

Oversharing is not common in bpd at least not with complete strangers. Bpd are extremely slow to trust anyone and the last thing they will do is share something with a stranger. This sounds more like bipolar 

 

Right after this she steered me into a sexual interaction in a way that I think was rushed and that I later interpreted as "I am not confident in my ability to choose sexual partners so I am in a rush to find out what they are like in bed before getting attached to them"

Bpd is not sexual right away. But bipolar are. Bpd is very untrusting. Sex is the last thing they will think especially with lack of trust 

 

Mood changes from one date to the next where in one instance we could be extremely close and intimate and the next she would be cold or angry. This was completely unprovoked.

Bpd is not generally cold, they are slow to attach but they won't let go easily. They can get angry but anger in bpd needs proper provocation. Anger in bipolar needs no provocation. Bipolar can suddenly act cold 

I didn't describe her general demeanor but she was very volatile. She could switch from being very fun and happy one instant to immediately becoming closed, combative, angry if things did not go her way.

This can be an npd feature commonly seen in bipolar 

 

Often times bipolar often gets misdiagnosed as bpd. If she was bpd she wouldn't even want to meet you the next day and no way would she get intimate. Bpd has the hardest time trusting. 

My guess is that she is bipolar but got mistyped as bpd. 

 

 

I don't know if I want to continue sharing my opinion with you because although it is what you asked for at the start, I feel some defensiveness coming from you. I want to make sure you are OK with me continuing to explain how I see things. I almost get the feeling that you believe I think poorly of people with BPD which is not the case at all. I definitely don't want to be overstepping any of your boundaries so please let me know if you want me to say more on this topic or if this is not helpful or constructive for you.

[bejapuskas]

This whole time I thought BPD means bipolar disorder, not borderline personality. I am sorry for misinterpreting.

[Preety_India]

@bejapuskas yea many people think bpd is bipolar 

Bpd is very different and kinda rare. 

 

 

[Terell Kirby]

Never had a bpd girlfriend (i think), but was able to observe the relationship and marriage between my parents (where Dad had some form of bpd).

What I got from it is that it creates a very hellish dynamic ... simply due to the inconsistency of emotions coming from one partner. It leaves the spouse of the bpd person very confused and emotionally distraught.

The bpd partner may actually love their spouse and kids, but they have an alter ego that is hell bent on destruction. Constantly leaving them picking up the pieces of relationships, only to tear it down again. 

Ultimately, if no treatment / therapy / healing is sought ... those relationship decay and eventually collapse.

[Preety_India]

@bejapuskas  so this is a snapshot of a borderline. 

 

[SgtPepper]

Learn to live with yourself, find healing, and find a partner who complements you. It's not easy to do any of this and while I don't have Borderline-PD, I do have GAD, and I needed to own it and do my best. Best of luck @Preety_India 

[yetineti]

Learn to work with bpd, like anything else you’ll be okay. 

I work with a girl with bpd, been to scared to ask her out for months.

Ive seen her have some ‘episodes’ but I’m pretty good with handling peoples emotions. 

Doesn’t bother much at all. She’s smart, and cute as hell.

[bejapuskas]

@Preety_India I know they are very different, I guess I just assumed its that because it is more widespread. Thanks for sharing.

[Preety_India]

@bejapuskas you are welcome. 

 

[thibault]

On 4/29/2022 at 4:02 PM, bejapuskas said:

This whole time I thought BPD means bipolar disorder, not borderline personality. I am sorry for misinterpreting.

On 4/29/2022 at 4:23 PM, Preety_India said:

@bejapuskas yea many people think bpd is bipolar 

Bpd is very different and kinda rare. 

 

 

I'd just like to make some clarifications because I think misunderstanding and confusions about mental disorders cause more stigmatization. Here is some information on bipolar (BD) and borderline (BPD) from Wikipedia :

Symptoms of BD

 

Symptoms of BPD

 

Frequency of BD

 

Frequency of BPD

 

Expert witness psychologist I recently saw testifying in the Johnny Depp - Amber Heard trial about what "personality disorders" are :

 

With all this information in hand, here is my understanding of the difference between BD and BPD.

BD is a psychiatric disorder in the category of mood disorders. This means that there is a problem with someone's mood on the level of the body. Much like Shannon Curry says in the video above that people who have depression can be treated with anti-depressants and in some cases this alone will be enough for them not to have any issues with depression in their lives ever again. The same can be said for people with bipolar who are treated with mood stabilizers. In bipolar, as the Wikipedia symptoms describe, the problem is a fluctuation of mood that happens regardless of changes to environment. Talk therapy is never enough to treat bipolar, it is a disorder that requires mood stabilizing medication like lithium to get better. This is a body/biological problem first before being a mind/mental one. Depending on the severeness of the bipolar disorder and the support the person affected has from friends and family it can be a normal life kind of disorder or an extreme disorder that causes massive disturbances in a person's life needing them to spend months hospitalized to regain their sanity.

Here is how BD is diagnosed.

Note how no specific behaviors are used to diagnose BD, a therapist looking to diagnose BD will look for whatever behaviors indicate big changes in mood over time.

 

Regarding borderline personality disorder, there is a big difference in the way it functions. In the video above you see Shannon Curry describing personality disorders. Since personality disorders are disorders of the mind rather than the body there is no easy treatment where we can give medication and the problems go away, much like how talk therapy is inefficient on its own for bipolar. For diagnosis of BPD therapists are expecting to see disturbances throughout the person's life continuously unlike episodic illnesses like depression, bipolar, or schizophrenia.

Here is how BPD is diagnosed :

 

There is also significant comorbidity of 31% between the two disorders possibly explaining some of the confusion between the two.

Hope that was helpful for everyone.

[Leo Gura]

 

[Preety_India]

Yes borderline is a personality and emotion based disorder. 

Whereas bipolar is a mood disorder 

 

[The0Self]

@Preety_India

My ex gf wasn't diagnosed (at least she didn't tell me, and I didn't ask) but I'm reasonably certain she has BPD -- and she often mentioned something along the lines of "most people don't understand how problematic personality disorders are," as if she had some kind of information she was hinting at, whether intentionally or otherwise. She was a great person. Had to break it off though, primarily because of escalating unfounded jealousy on her part. I'm fine with jealousy, but when your girlfriend gives you a dirty look and you immediately know it's because we must have just walked past another attractive woman and gf is (angrily) accusing you of being attracted to that woman... for the tenth time... That's just too much. I loved her authenticity, but whenever she was angry she'd pretend she wasn't angry (and then she'd apologize later) -- so she lost control from time to time.

It was a good relationship though and it ended pretty well. We were on good terms for a long while after (and still technically are) but we ended up just not talking (it's been years), since the physical chemistry between us was way too strong and we'd often just end up sleeping together, again and again, despite resolving not to...

She was a Scorpio, if that means anything to you . She was really into astrology.

BPD is sometimes constructed as "pathological vulnerable narcissism." Vulnerable narcissism is completely different (practically opposite) from what "narcissism" usually refers to though (grandiose narcissism). "Pathological grandiose narcissism" is NPD, which is practically the opposite of BPD. So I'm not calling you a narcissist, as it's commonly constructed -- actually the opposite.

Edited May 2, 2022 by The0Self

[Loba]

I have bipolar - it looks similar to bpd, and have dated a bpd man.  It was hard because he always saw fault in me and took my money - just one bpd though, I've had friendships that lasted for longer than a decade - one ended because the boyfriend molested me and she took all of my friends away from me, and the other didn't last because she was talking shit about my autism and I flipped out on her.  They were fine while it lasted but in my experience bpd usually ends the friendship for some reason, or they expect something out of you that you can't fulfil.  

As someone with bipolar, I have a lot of empathy for people with bpd, I know what it is like to have to manage emotions, it is very difficult.  I try all sorts of substances just to get the bipolar regulated - I would seek a therapist and psychiatrist to help you out, there are therapeutic modalities and meds that can help a lot - it's the same kind of treatment for bipolar, mostly.  I'd say the only dif., living wise between bipolar and bpd is that bipolar, the episodes are more spaced out and that meds cure it while bpd is more random and therapy cures it.

 

[Preety_India]

@Loba yea agree.