Relationship with a bpd girlfriend?

[Leo Gura]

@johnlocke18 Do not even start with your nonsense.

He was being a jerk towards Preety plain and simple.

Who you date is totally up to you. This is not license for being a jerk.

[PenguinPablo]

@johnlocke18 It's one thing to make a video about the topic, and another thing to go into OPs thread and disparage her directly (especially when she's coming from a place of trying to better herself). 

I'm rooting for you India!

Generally, it would not be a good idea to date someone with personality disorders. At the end of the day though, that doesn't make you a monster or whatever all the witch hunters are make it out to be.

BPD means you have certain symptoms. If you take care of those symptoms by getting therapy, gaining wisdom, then you would no longer qualify for the diagnosis. 

The problem is the symptoms. Because they're maladaptive. 

Richard Grannon the life coach on YouTube was BPD. 

Lmk if you have any questions. I know a lot about this disorder since I grew up with BPD mom and narcissistic dad.

Probably something similar happened to you. So don't demonize yourself. I'm proud of who you are. You're a very strong person.

Edited April 28, 2022 by PenguinPablo

[johnlocke18]

@Leo Gura You’re the one that said not to date people like that, I didn’t say I followed your advice, I pointed out that the person being a dick was likely following your advice from the 30 red flags vids. I agree it is nonsense, but you said it not me. 

Edited April 28, 2022 by johnlocke18

[johnlocke18]

@PenguinPablo How is Leo making a video saying not dating bpd women any different than the dude telling the op he doesn’t date bpd women? Lmao The whole reason I called him out is because I’ve dated a bpd women so no I’m not demonizing myself when I point out leo said not to date them. Go watch Leo’s red flags vid if you have it, he’s basically telling his audience not to date people like you. 

[Hello from Russia]

All this stuff is very cruel. The fundamental problem is that people who have BPD or simillar related traumas have some needs severely not being met. And our toxic society tends to ostracize people who are "needy" in some way. You are basically aren't alowed to be needy/weak/weird or people will abandon/leave you, that's the underlying communication/environment

@Preety_India There is some data regarding such conditions that if you are able to hold a more or less decent intimate relationship for 2 years + you are very likely to heal. BDP fundamentally is about immense fear of abandonement/ostracization. What heals you is when you get a direct experience of people treating you well and not leaving you because of some of your personal weirdness that all of us have

It's basically developing healthy relationships improve your mental health and can be alone curative, while if you get stuck in toxic ones, it's kinda the opposite

Edited April 28, 2022 by Hello from Russia

[johnlocke18]

@Benton I know it doesn’t matter what his videos said, that’s what I’m pointing out, so they realize Leo’s real feelings towards them lmao. Kind of takes away the whole point of you being on this forum lmao. 

[PenguinPablo]

@johnlocke18 Tbf there's a difference between someone that is working on themselves and someone that doesn't take responsibility for themselves and has no interest in growing. I would consider dating someone largely healed from BPD or actively working on understanding themselves. But if the relationship proved itself to be too toxic and my partner decided not to reflect or take any responsibility for their behavior then I would not put up with it.

At the end of the day, for me it's not about the label but the person's behavior.

 

[Yali]

@johnlocke18

Quote

 I pointed out that the person being a dick was likely following your advice from the 30 red flags vids. I agree it is nonsense, but you said it not me. 

 the hypocrisy lol

 

Edited April 28, 2022 by Yali

[mmKay]

6 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

 

Great share. I've allways suspected my mother had some sort of personallity disorder but it was very eye opening to pin down the exact definion of it.

Owen as spot on as allways.

During the whole video I  was astonished how someone as socially sharp as him would fall for the pitfall of " a crazy girl like that " but then I realized that It's just me who's specifically  ( unconsciously )  trained to avoid people with BPD and other mental issues,  and not everyone knows about this phenomenon.

Not that if you suffer some sort of mental issue you're evil, but since I understand many people simply can't be fixed it's better not to get your hands dirty in the first place. 

Edited April 28, 2022 by mmKay

[Eph75]

@Preety_India

If you were to shift focus from the external and from others and onto, into yourself, and focus on your own self-development that can help you to better cope with the expressions BPD has for you, the chain of cause and effect would gradually change the world around you, in a positive direction. 

As long as you revert to engaging with external triggers, things will burn. 

What do you think you could do to build coping skills that might help you to handle yourself in a better, more constructive way, and to better understand when the shifts in emotional state happens? 

Have you tried anything so far? And if so, what change has that made for you? 

Edited April 28, 2022 by Eph75

[Preety_India]

12 minutes ago, mmKay said:

During the whole video I  was astonished how someone as socially sharp as him would fall for the pitfall of " a crazy girl like that " but then I realized that It's just me who's specifically  ( unconsciously )  trained to avoid people with BPD and other mental issues,  and not everyone knows about this phenomenon.

People who suffer a disorder aren't crazy all the time. They can be normal and still suffer episodes. 

Nobody sets out with the intention to date a bipolar or bpd. Often people aren't even aware that they are suffering a disorder. 

With a supportive partner who knows how to calm down the other person, symptoms can be controlled very easily 

I have seen a lot of mentally ill people with a golden heart, their symptoms subside and they are easy to handle too. Not everything is so black and white. Personality disorders are the most common form of mental disorders after anxiety and depression. They need to be understood rather than ostracized or demonized. Some people aren't fit to deal with such people and they actually cause symptoms to worsen. 

It's the dynamic that matters. There are bipolar people in my family that are doing quite well with the help of supportive partners. 

Most bipolar people I came across are highly successful in life. 

Same with bpd. Not everyone with a disorder goes out there shooting people in malls. 

 

Also there are normal people out there who can give you a hard time in a relationship without visibly suffering any disorder. 

 

[Preety_India]

20 minutes ago, Eph75 said:

@Preety_India

If you were to shift focus from the external and from others and onto, into yourself, and focus on your own self-development that can help you to better cope with the expressions BPD has for you, the chain of cause and effect would graduately change the world around you, in positive direction. 

As long as you revert to engaging with external triggers, things will burn. 

What do you think you could do to build coping skills that might help you to handle yourself in a better, more constructive way, and to better understand when the shifts in emotional state happens? 

Have you tried anything so far? And if so, what change has that made for you? 

The goal of the thread wasn't me asking how to manage bpd. That's something I'm already looking into. 

The goal of the thread was to know what challenges people were facing who had romantic  relationships with bpd so I get some clarity on what issues are encountered by the other person in a relationship with bpd individuals especially women. 

 

[Eph75]

@Preety_India Okay, I'm sorry, didn't mean to distract, was more-so just pointing towards there being a choice to fully shift focus from any external phenomena towards the internal world, which is the only factor that you can control, and the rest follows.

[Preety_India]

@Something Funny I agree. Thanks for sharing your experience. 

[Preety_India]

@Something Funny not everything is drama. 

At least 80% bpd are suicidal and at least 9% actually commit suicide. 

So sometimes they don't threaten, they actually carry it out. 

I already had 4 suicide attempts so I know how it is. 

Edited April 28, 2022 by Preety_India

[bejapuskas]

I do not exactly know what it was, but my dad's ex wife often acted distant, called my dad names and cheated on him with his friend. It was this kind of unstable behavior. I do not know if it was BPD though. I have heard more stories like this about people with mental illnesses.

On the other hand, I do not know if this really applies or not, but I would still share it. I am currently in a queerplatonic relationship, which is not really romantic nor sexual, but it is quite deep. The person is neither a girl nor a boy, but that is not important as people work differently no matter what their gender is. The person has OCD, anxiety and depression and many other things, which sometimes cause them to be sad. But what I value about them is that they support me in being truly myself and they do not mind when I question things. The relationship seems very authentic and free as a result. Definitely better than some romantic and sexual relarionships I had in the past.

So I guess it really depends. And you @Preety_India , I know you sometimes find life difficult, but I have seen you grow a lot over the years on this forum and I believe that you can achieve what you want in your life despite certain obstacles. You are definitely more dedicated to growth than all of the people who talk trash on this thread about you.

Guys, if somebody like Leo has a channel which evolves so much, and Leo evolves so much too, it can often happen that if he shoots a video and it stays there uneditted, it can later turn into something that he does not agree with. And please be clear on this, this is true for everyone. How would you feel if somebody took something you said 5 years ago out of context as absolute and used it against you? People make mistakes. Learn how to think for yourself, that is more important than following a flawed teaching.

[Preety_India]

2 hours ago, Something Funny said:

I didn't mean that. I also am not against someone sharing suicidal thoughts in a relationship per say, it's better then just hiding them at least. I was talking about using it for manipulation. It actually can be quite abusive when you know that another person has feelings for you so you can make them do almost anything by using "suicide card".

Agree but it's not that simple 

 

 

[Michael569]

https://www.optimumperformanceinstitute.com/mental-health-diagnosis/avoiding-becoming-your-diagnoses/

Thought I'd drop this here. As @JonasVE12 already brilliantly pointed out, it is essential not to "become" the diagnosis. Remember, the diagnosis itself is a box so that doctors know how to medicate patients and how to predict treatment response according to previously accumulated statistical data as well as predict outcomes such as the likelihood of self-harm. 

Secondly, mental health conditions are just ridiculously difficult to diagnose and clinicians are notoriously misdiagnosing people all the time due to the diofficulty of measuring brain's biochemistry and very often outdated clinical assessments are being used especially in countries with lesser access to high-end medical care. For example, many methods of diagnosis have been around for 50+ years unchanged. 

It may help to get a second opinion from a completely different clinic...just to be sure. 

I'm not saying BPD diagnosis isn't real. It is a very real thing and has to be taken with absolute seriousness and working with a doctor is essential to make sure people are safe. But at the same time, it is important BPD does not become the 4 wall defining the margins of your life and also defining your opportunities and possibilities of personal and spiritual expansion. I think this is what the guys above have been trying to point out. The condition does not define the outcome of your life  even if there are some statistical differences. 

I've kinda seen this pattern change in some of your posts where I think you have been shifting a bit into this box thinking as "I am the BPD and there is no hope for me". Trying to step away from this box and get a high altitude perspective can be incredibly liberating to your souls and to your mental health. 

Remember you are not the disease  . A good therapist (as others have already suggested) could help you make the difference even deeper and help you on your way towards recovery. Focus on what you can control. There is ALWAYS something you can do. 

Ignore if this does not resonate. Good luck! 

[ZenAlex]

I think it's harsh that you've been prejudged @Preety_India  for your disorder. I've seen people with the disorder that seem like loving people who talk about their therapy and their trauma. 

But you have to understand why people are concerned as soon as they realise someone has a cluster B personality disorder, simply because the behaviour these disorders provoke is often very toxic.

The two most famous celebrity toxic relationships around right now involve women with BPD and/other cluster B PD's.

I hope you find peace and find someone understanding.

 

[thibault]

Hey first of all I want to say that I don't have the answers because I dated a girl with BPD and it ended after 7 months. Clearly I haven't "solved" anything.

Since I am not BPD, I don't know what it feels like from the inside but I can at least try to explain what it felt like from the outside.

I went in to the relationship with this girl with very few expectations, I didn't have a rigid idea of what I wanted with her or where I imagined this going, I think this was a huge strength in dealing with the BPD aspects of the relationship.

 

Wall of text incoming.

 

Right away there were some unusual things, I kissed her on a Saturday, we met up for coffee the next day and she instantly shared some very intimate details about problems with her family and started crying, I felt sad for her and tried to comfort her but I was not naïve and knew right away these problems would be with her probably for the whole of our relationship. After maybe a maximum of an hour into this coffee date, shortly after she had stopped crying she asked me if I wanted to go back to my place. No sugar coating or anything, she clearly wanted to have sex. With hindsight I wish I had found a way to delay that. Blinded by hormones, I didn't realize how uncomfortable it made me feel that she was pushing for sex so early and so soon after opening up about very emotionally intense aspects of her life.

This first date with her is extremely indicative of the rest of our relationship, it seemed like she was always in a rush. A week after that first date - we had seen each other a few times since - we met up in a park as she wanted to discuss our relationship. I asked her what she wanted to discuss and she told me she wanted to define what we had between us, once again this felt rushed but I took it as a harmless form of insecurity and was open to being anything she wanted. I asked her what she wanted but she seemed to kind of deflect trying to read me maybe. Problem is there was nothing to read, I wasn't hung up on being "boyfriend-girlfriend" or something more casual, but from my intuition I was able to tell she wanted an exclusive relationship.

Her moods were always shifting. Quickly I learned that if I felt great leaving at the end of a date, the next date would be terrible. I interpreted this as a fear of opening up and letting me in. I was okay with that, I thought that over time she would be able to trust me. After I think 2 or 3 months was the first time she wanted to break up with me. Things had been a bit strange for a few weeks, kind of like we were drifting apart. One particular date was horrible. We went to a bar and I did my best to make conversation but it was like one of those incredibly awkward first dates where nothing is cutting through the tension.

When we left the bar, I started walking her home. In my head I could feel this deep sense of this is going straight into a brick wall. I was mostly silent trying to gather my thoughts but I think she sensed this and was doing everything she could to fill the silence. After I had a good enough sense of why I felt so uncomfortable I started asking her questions about us, genuinely looking for answers. After some time she admitted to me that she had actually been planning on breaking up with me for a few days. I asked her why she did not do it tonight and she replied that she had planned to do it a couple days later. We talked candidly about all the things that she may have felt were wrong in the relationship and I was very accepting. Although my ego was a little bit hurt, we had only been dating a couple months and if it were to end then that was that. One of the things that she mentioned that would become important later is she thought we had been too quick to define our relationship, I reminded her that it was her who pushed for that and she agreed, almost in a fatalistic way, as if to say "I fucked it up again".

Eventually I joked that now after having talked it seemed like we had worked through everything and there were no longer any problems. She agreed and expressed regret that we had not talked about this sooner because then we would not have had to break up. I found this EXTREMELY strange. This is the part of BPD that I saw coming back over and over that I could never really understand. It seems to me that almost everyone in that situation would have the awareness that there was a perceived problem in the relationship, now this problem is resolved and the relationship can go on. She was placing an additional time constraint on the resolution of the problem that was extremely intriguing to me and that she seemed to almost believe was out of her control. I made light of this and as I was continuing to walk he home, the tension was vanishing. Eventually she said to me "I almost feel like we are still a couple" and I replied "I kind of feel like that too".

Now she started to ask me "So what are we ?", I replied that minutes ago she was telling me how we were too quick to define our relationship and now that our relationship had come loose the first thing she wanted to do was redefine it. But still she insisted and all I replied was "I don't know". She asked me what this meant if we were still going to see each other, if we could sleep with other people, I just replied "I don't know". She was so enchanted by this reply that she went how and drew a sort of cartoon character for me named "Mr. I don't know".

 

I hope this gives some outside perspective of what it was like for me dating a girl with BPD. I'll stop here for now since I don't know how useful it is to keep going and describing every detail of the relationship but if you want any additional details, feel free to ask and I will reply depending on my motivation. Thinking back to that relationship, the thing that I felt like I never really had in a deep way with her is trust. Almost like every day our relationship was reset to 0 and I had very little leeway to impose my own "rhythm", I was mostly dancing after her hoping she would eventually get tired, she didn't...