Daily emotion tracking journal

[Preety_India]

This is therapy for my bpd. Emotion tracking. 

 

[Preety_India]

Ok first things first. 

 

Just because I write erotic, doesn't make me a GENERAL SLUT...... ARE WE CLEAR ON THAT? 

 

I'm not the general sex doll. 

I'm a human being. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

If I'm not sexually attracted to someone, I make it clear. 

 

 

I can only be in a relationship if I'm sexually attracted to them

 

So stop the pressure. 

 

 

Edited April 27, 2022 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

I'm sexually repressed. That's why I write about my sexual feelings so that I can open up about something I can't talk in my own society

 

 

 

I don't write all that to be sniffed out by hungry (fill in the blanks.) 

 

 

[Preety_India]

 

On 4/16/2022 at 7:18 AM, Preety_India said:

I have no idea what to say. 

I'm just going to update here. 

I probably should have never said anything at all. Never expressed anything. Just quiet. 

 

These kind of things can fubk up min my mental state. 

I don't feel good 

 

I puked. It was so hard. 

 

I'm just looking into empty space. 

Would I ever feel normal 

I am already self harming. 

I tried to eat something bad because I just want to be rid of myself.. 

I have given up on life. 

 

It's awful 

 

 

 

 

On 4/16/2022 at 9:21 AM, Preety_India said:

My anxiety and paranoia is shooting through the roof. 

I'm getting panicky. 

 

On 4/16/2022 at 9:34 AM, Preety_India said:

I just need to relax and know that nothing bad will happen. Nobody will do anything, just relax preety, it's gone it's over, just relax 

 

On 4/16/2022 at 9:43 AM, Preety_India said:

I might be paranoid but that is some neurotic shit. 

My mother is bipolar and she used have such high neuroticism 

Is that the reason why it felt so normal to me, since I'm so used to it? 

 

 

On 4/16/2022 at 9:55 AM, Preety_India said:

She used to care for me in a similar way, in the most dysfunctional manner one can imagine. 

But deep down I always used to feel like she cares about me 

I can't trust my feelings anymore, they lie to me. 

A lot of the time My feelings are on point, like a psychic thing 

But most of the time I'm disillusioned. I feel something that's not true. 

It's like stories in my head. What I'm feeling about someone or something is radically different from what is actually happening. 

 

My psychic nature is another part of me. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I have bonding issues and I'm aware of it. 

Not just Abandonment issues. 

That is I'll bond abnormally. I will bond with specific types that aren't meant for me. 

I won't be able to eliminate them because the urge would be so strong. 

 

Normally I'm sexually repressed but I guess when that sort of familiarity comes up, I find it kinda irresistible and my Sexual drives suddenly get very strong in response to that familiarity 

See. This is something that even a therapist won't be able to tell me. 

That's why I was so resistant to therapy because what they say doesn't resonate with me. 

I swear I felt like certain people had not a practical resonance but some sort of psychic resonance with me. Like they cared for me the way a mother would care for a child. 

That mother wound is deep. 

Fucking ball of problems........ I am. 

 

Part of the problem is the negging that happens indirectly. 

My mom used to want me to seek her approval at all times. You can call it the female boss version of negging. 

 

But that's how the brain gets trained to kinda want it and like it. To want someone who would want me to seek his approval somehow and then like a petulant teenager protest the same thing that attracts me in the first place. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

On 4/16/2022 at 10:25 AM, Preety_India said:

There's definitely some karmic thing happening without the shadow of a doubt. I wrote one day that everything is psychological almost everything. Now I could be showing very little nuance here.. 

 

 

I will need to study trauma bonding in detail. 

I knew my  biggest weakness would be someone that resembles my mom but in male version. I thought about this when I was thinking about miss l. I mean I'm not homosexual so nothing Sexual could happen. But that same individual in male version would have driven me bonkers in the sense I would have found them extremely and I mean extremely desirable.. Jesus... Wouldn't have been able to resist that Sexual pull that I feel plus there is this thing that I feel good if I'm humiliated. Read diary of a sexually repressed girl. 

Those things. I mean yea that's kinda irresistible to me. Now I understand why. 

I would have felt like I want more and more. That's why I was into bdsm. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

On 4/16/2022 at 11:06 AM, Preety_India said:

First deal with the karma. 

 

 

 

 

I mean if we fucked each other in ways that weren't ethical but we still understood why we did it. What if I keep that sort of a person around? 

No beeeetch, you didn't have trauma, you're just bi, people who are traumatized don't do that sort of shit. 

This is cute. .... Deep down. It's deeeeeeeep. 

Maybe some day I become like you. But right now i envy all that because I can never be as good as you are.... I am such a moron such a crappy girl. 

 

Wait I can't even say all this. What if I'm asked to prove that I'm a good girl? 

What will I do then? 

Yea I'm an emotionally damaged goods kinda girl who is broken inside and fractured outside and nobody not even Porco gives a shit 

Now I don't say this for praise but I say it because that's how I feel. Mommy issues mommy issues mommy issues. 

Heavy petting, 

 

 

On 4/16/2022 at 11:39 AM, Preety_India said:

I feel like a pawn all the time 

 

On 4/16/2022 at 11:57 AM, Preety_India said:

Heavy karma, heavy emotions and heavy petting 

Some people like me just have too much heavy karma to deal with, like psychic attacks? 

Maybe I was born for this..maybe I was born to clear my karma. 

My journey is messy and difficult. I experience an entire range of emotions. 

I have a mental disease. But I try to do my best despite the repeated assaults from my past. 

My birth wasn't easy nor was my past. I. Don't use this as sympathy. 

I. Just try to understand myself better every day because that is where the key lies for ultimate healing 

 

First I need to understand my own complexities 

 

 

 

 

 

On 4/16/2022 at 0:19 PM, Preety_India said:

One day I'll get over all these Abandonment fears. 

 

 

On 4/16/2022 at 0:42 PM, Preety_India said:

I think one of the reasons why I was attracted to Joseph is also the same.. 

 

On 4/16/2022 at 3:21 PM, Preety_India said:

I've been drifting in and out of consciousness since morning because I'm feeling very weak 

 

 

 

On 4/16/2022 at 3:37 PM, Preety_India said:

I'm foolish 

I'm foolish 

I'm foolish 

I'm foolish 

I'm foolish 

I'm foolish 

I'm foolish 

I'm foolish 

I'm foolish 

I'm foolish 

I'm foolish

I'm foolish 

I'm foolish 

 

 

On 4/16/2022 at 4:03 PM, Preety_India said:

I once met a guy who could masturbate 20 times a day, and I instantly fell in love with him. 

I mean wow, what a jackpot. 

I have a thing for men who masturbate a lot. 

They are soooooooo cute. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

For some reason, borderlines always have trust issues. 

But it's okay. 

 

[Preety_India]

Just be "trust-break" proof lol. 

You said to yourself that no matter what...... Keep it that way. 

Reminds myself that. 

 

[Preety_India]

Babloo, learn how to differentiate between facts and feelings. 

 

OK? 

That's important. Be rational. 

 

[Preety_India]

The only solution is terribly high levels of self isolation. 

 

[Preety_India]

Drop the emotion

 

 

[Preety_India]

I'm feeling ecstatic 

[Preety_India]

I experienced intimacy and I felt good. 

[Preety_India]

I'm just too scared.. I feel like prey. 

I'm too scared. 

I'm too scared. 

I'm too scared. 

I'm too scared. 

I'm too scared. 

I'm too scared. 

I'm too scared.. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

I don't feel rational anymore. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My emotions take over 

 

 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

I hate giving my heart to slimeballs who use me for sex. 

Get lost slimeball. Fuck you 

 

 

 

Edited May 13, 2022 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

My emotions are already volatile and I don't wish to be fucked with my head again. 

I was used for sex again. 

 

 

 

 

And then discarded 

 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

Every little thing matters. 

I wish I could get this dirt off me. 

 

[Preety_India]

I am thinking there is no right or wrong. 

 

 

Just be careful 

Don't be stupid again 

Don't be stupid again 

Don't be stupid again 

 

 

[Preety_India]

You are fake

You are fake 

You are fake 

 

 

I'm real. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

Don't ever come to me 

Don't ever come to me