Mood disorder.

Preety_India · April 27, 2022

Write here.

Preety_India · April 27, 2022

I had at least one narcissistic and emotionally neglecting parent and a dismissive family growing up.

I think I need to call this a borderline disability because it feels like a disability. You almost feel helpless.

Now coming back to my bpd diagnosis. A lot of the times my symptoms share similarities between trauma and bpd. Like some part of it is trauma and some part of it is bpd.

Not all of it is bpd though. Like when I'm angry it's both trauma and bpd combined.

This is what my dream meant

The thing about your family making you stay in that building to overcome your anxiety but actually its making it worse but they won't listen gives me the impression that you feel like your family doesn't care about your emotions and is never willing to deal with them, and you feel like you have to deal with your emotions on your own, and there is no hope of getting any kind of love or support from your family when you feel a negative emotion, making you feel completely trapped and alone in your suffering.

Not sure if that resonates with you but that's what that dream makes me think.

My focus right now is on dual healing. Healing from both cptsd and bpd.

So I regularly get this same dream and I'm looking for ways to deal with this problem of bad dreams, also I don't know the significance of this dream.

In this dream, I felt like my family had abandoned me. They have put me in a building at the edge of the forest away from the city. And there's nobody in that building except a cook and a bodyguard, the cook delivers food. And I'm living on the top floor. But absolutely nobody to talk to.

The family comes back to check on me after a week and I repeatedly beg them to take me home and that I feel totally isolated and alone.

They give me the reason that I need to stay at that place to overcome my anxiety and that's the suggestion the family physician gave them. I tell them that my anxiety is actually getting worse. They don't listen and leave.

And I feel trapped far away in this place. The realization sinks in that this is how the rest of my life is going to be - alone and isolated.

I wake up from the dream feeling drained.

Let's see the general symptoms of bpd

Self hatred/self harm

It's linked to traumatic events, brain chemistry and family history.

There's also something called as hidden bpd.

One symptom of bpd is drastically low self esteem

Constant self criticism or inability to take criticism. Feeling like you are a bad person.

2. Difficulty regulating emotions

4 major emotions that I experience

Emptiness

Anxiety

Dear Buttercup,

As a bpd person, you have to understand that you will never be normal.

You'll never feel normal.

It's just not going to happen

Accept this reality. Yes it's hard not to be like others but at the same time you have the answer why you are different.

I talk like her.

I'll create symptom profiles like a set of symptoms under one category for example

Symptoms related to rage

Symptoms related to attachments

Symptoms related to moodiness

Etc

Symptom profile 1

Symptom profile 2

Symptom profile 3

Symptom profile 4

Symptom profile 1

Feeling unstable

Feeling empty

Feeling directionless

Feeling tired

Feeling stressed

Feeling emotionally drained

Symptom profile 1

Feeling unstable

Feeling empty

Feeling directionless

Feeling tired

Feeling stressed

Feeling emotionally drained

Symptom profile 2

Need for attention

Need for belongingness

Need for acceptance

Low self esteem

Shifting self image

Feeling a sense of danger

Bad dreams

Nightmares

Anxiety

Constant need for assurances

Deep insecurities

Constant feeling of irritation

Clinginess and neediness

People pleasing

Dissociation

Depersonalization

Derealization

Unhinged feeling

Unstable emotionally

Constant confusion

Symptom profile 3

Hypersensitivity

Easily triggered

Strong sense of empathy

Constantly looking for an answer

Confusion regarding identity

Severe anger and rage

Feeling of panic that someone would abandon me

Unstable relationship with no gap

Huge Codependency

Wanting constant affection

Constant feelings of hurt

Constant abandonment anxiety.

Feeling of a void

Feeling miserable

Freaking out when attention is not given

Afraid of cold behavior

Feelings of unworthiness

Like unworthy of love

Very impulsive

Last year February 2021 I was diagnosed with CPTSD

This year its BPD

I already have anxiety and depression and trauma

Preety_India · April 27, 2022

The problems I'm currently facing that I need to conquer this year are —

Depression

Anxiety

Panic

Nightmares

PTSD

Rage issues due to PTSD

Suicidal ideation

Insomnia

Learning disorders and disability

Memory issues

This is the list I had made on January 8

Interpersonal relationships are going to be very very tough in a bpd case.

There is nothing to strongly dislike me

So I just don't get it.

But this could be me my dependency?

So the treatment plan goes like this.

I'll be listing symptoms and for each there will be a treatment option/options.

This will be an organic way of treating myself through slow mind change.

Relationships with borderline are very tough. To say the least. They have so many issues going concurrently.

It's not easy at all

A borderline feels hyper complicated inside.

I just took a cold shower and while showering I had many thoughts about this situation.

The journey is nowhere going to be easy

You'll feel like a liability on society

Let's take a deeper look at this.

So the treatment plan goes like this.

I'll be listing symptoms and for each there will be a treatment option/options.

This will be an organic way of treating myself through slow mind change.

For the sake of simplicity I'll refer to myself as borderline/borderlines

Borderlines feel intense emotions in a romantic relationship. It's black and white, zero compromise, all or nothing.

They're "difficult people" within a relationship

What does a borderline look for in a relationship

Answer - safety and security

Borderlines can have both high and low self awareness

Everything they experience they tend to experience in extremes.

The worst way to treat a borderline is to ignore them. They feel intense despair when ignored. I do feel this way and I can relate.

Borderlines constantly feel a feeling of emptiness that consumes their Iife almost.

They are always looking to heal or fix a void within

It's important for a borderline to be in constant touch with their emotions scan their emotions and then see or look for the reasons behind this emotion. This needs a better stronger relationship with the inner self.

The most problematic part for borderlines are relationships.

It's almost like borderlines operate on fear and paranoia.

I often experience dissociation.

Trust issues

Borderlines experience trust issues big time. They simply can't trust anyone at all.

They are hyper emotional and hyper sensitive people. It's almost like "everything hurts"

Clear communication

One thing that a borderline would love to have is clear communication

The most miserable state for a borderline is the confused state

So an ideal relationship for a borderline is where there is least confusion.

That is..... The other person needs to clearly state how they feel and make it open and clear in no uncertain terms so that the borderline does not feel insecure.

You'll need specific goal statements

Example of goal statements

You need to target each and every emotion or feeling you have and hold it to scrutiny.

Basically its complete mind change or psyche change.

Almost every action that you do or thought that you have is dictated by your bpd without you knowing it.

Narcissists are more often attracted to borderlines because of their attachment issues..

Borderlines can act like little children very insecure immature and juvenile.

Borderlines have Rage issues from being neglected and ignored.

Borderlines have an extremely low self confidence self worth and self esteem..

What's an ideal relationship for a borderline

Secure

Trustworthy

Loyal and committed (biggest thing that a borderline needs to not suffer abandonment)

Loving

Affectionate

Intimate

Clear communication

Matured

Preety_India · April 27, 2022

On 4/13/2022 at 9:23 PM, Preety_India said:

Questions to be asked for bpd.

What are the common symptoms

How do you feel?

How do you feel right now?

Thoughts on bpd

1 in bpd you have to change the entire structure of your thought patterns.

And these thought patterns are many in number. Each pattern has to be targeted and changed.

Almost every symptom and every behavior is dictated by bpd.

Each thought/limiting belief has to be carefully changed and replaced.

These replacements will happen frequently and many repetitions will be needed for each replacement as one time replacement is not going to change the limiting belief. So you have to keep replacing and repeating the same process till the belief is completely changed.

How will this look like?

Take for example an empty bottle.

Now it has a small hole on top through which you can pour salt into the bottle.

You can pour one spoon of salt at a time. When you pour the first spoon of salt, it's your first attempt at changing your thought process or pattern

Then you have to pour again.

You keep pouring till the bottle is full

This bottle represents only one thought.

And the act of filling the bottle at a time represents changing the thought. You have to keep repeating this action of filling many Manu times till the bottle is full. This means every time you get the same thought you have to challenge it and replace it.

Eventually the thought is replaced successfully and it doesn't come back.

An example could be like this

The thought - "I'm fat."

Now this thought has to be replaced by the thought "I'm not fat"

Let's say today is day 1.

On day 1, I get the thought "I'm fat."

Now I pour the salt.

Which means I replace the thought with the thought "I'm not fat."

This has to be done repeatedly.

Like on day 2, I get the thought "I'm fat."

Once again, replace the thought.

Keep doing this many Many times until the thought "I'm fat" stops recurring in the mind. Now it has been successfully replaced

Now you have to jump to the next thought to challenge and replace it.

Which means you have to grab the next empty bottle and start filling it with salt. This represents the next thought.

You can also maintain thought jars. One jar for each thought.

On 4/13/2022 at 9:57 PM, Preety_India said:

Thoughts on bpd

Just imagine something like this.

This is a thread mesh or net.

Net fabric and its more or less intact.

This is your brain structure before bpd.

This is your brain structure after bpd.

What you have to do is to collect all these scattered pieces and join them and weave them together.

So you get your original Brain structure back.

This means slowly putting all the contents together piece by piece.

Bring it all together in a harmonious cohesive pattern so that you are not lost again

Preety_India · April 27, 2022

Anger is a part of bpd, it's something that will always exist.

5 emotional states that will dominate bpd

Anger

Fear, paranoid fears, anxiety

Sadness and or helplessness

Confusion

Emptiness

Sadness and or helplessness

Anger

Fear, paranoid fears and anxiety

Confusion

Affective instability.

You cycle between intense emotions.

People with bpd struggle to feel in control of their emotional responses to situations. This is called affective instability.

This is such a beautiful message. A message to me from a fellow bipolar member on this forum

Your last message, are you not coming back here anymore? I enjoyed my friendship with you as well, I believe we do have some karma due to having grown up with similarly afflicted mothers, mine having BPD and me ending with with bipolar and you with BPD and a mother with bipolar. Switched a bit, but still a similar style in communication, albeit my mother is more responsible and less childish, while I am more irresponsible and childish in nature. No, I never hated you. I get angry with people, and I need to work on this rage - which I'm doing, but it will take some years to fully get rid of all the anger as it is hidden in places I don't always have access to - I surprise myself with that behaviour as it doesn't feel like a part of me and is sort of walled off from my day-to-day.

Anytime I acted rudely, I was drunk. So I quit drinking, as I just can't maintain a normal attitude and have alcohol in my system - so I apologize for being too frank. I could have been more sensitive about it - I could have opted to turn the computer off and wait until I was sober, there are many options I could have taken that would have been better than calling people out when I am no better myself - when I still have a huge plate of baggage to get through.

I'm happy to hear you found your diagnoses; it is apparently one that you can heal from with awareness and research. It def. wasn't secondary psychopathy, and you wouldn't want that dx anyways because there's no cure for it; and with it comes lack of empathy, of which you seem to have plenty of empathy.

Good luck on your journey!

Yes. It definitely wasn't secondary psychopathy

Now I know what happens to children of bipolar npd emotionally neglecting dismissive parents.

They develop ptsd and bpd.

This is a good clue so I can help others with similar issues.

Finally a full fledged clear diagnosis of my condition after millions of years in limbo.

This is great. I'm not too upset frankly.

I can work on this. I need a bit of emotional regulation.

Strategies, solutions, coping mechanisms, management.

I don't think there's something like a full recovery with personality disorders.

But there can be coping and management.

Knowing "why I feel," "how I feel" is a huge part of it.

It's already a great relief knowing how I'm going to feel beforehand.

Coping mechanisms 2

Just prioritize yourself better.

Self love is a huge part of this and self importance

Value yourself

Coping mechanisms will run into different types.

People with bpd tend to personalize interactions. It's just how their minds see everything. They bring a personal touch to stuff. Now this can be both conditional and cultural.

However. Some people tend to appreciate a personal touch. Others look at "getting too close" with suspicion.

So beware while dealing with strangers.

Also what are the type of people that borderlines should interact with and what are the types of people that borderlines should avoid interacting with?

Let's see in the next few chapters

My explanation of borderline is a bit scattered and haphazard. Because I'm not fully acclimatized to it.

That's why it's all over the place for now until I gather more information and then I organize it neatly. Right now the only way to explore it superficially (before I get into the nitty gritty) is to go about it just randomly.

Once I get a clearer picture of how bpd works, then I can a very fixed layout

Bpd terms.

Fragmented sense of self or fragmented self

Attachment related issues

Abandonment anxiety.

All these would be found in bpd literature.

Emptiness

Hollowness

Emotional deprivation

Emotional dissatisfaction

Emotional deficit or deficiency.

Hyper emotionality

Emotional sensitivity

Emotional safety

Dedicated chapters

Comprehensive manual of solutions

Chapters 1 to 7 will deal with the general definition of bpd and diagnoses... It's layout and specific characteristics.

Chapters 8 to 15 will deal with the nature of emotions and thought patterns and processes in bpd

Chapters 16 to 22 will deal with strategies and coping mechanisms.

Chapters 23 to 27 will deal with the therapies involved with bpd.

Chapters 28 to 32 will deal with progress in bpd treatment.

Chapters 33 to 35 will be dealing with the thoughts and random notes on bpd.

Chapters 35 to 37 will be dealing with the root causes of bpd and organic healing

Chapters 37 to 40 will deal with "living with bpd and alternative strategies and full recovery.

I don't want to be with people who don't really want to be with me.

Good riddance

Edited April 27, 2022 by Preety_India

Preety_India · April 27, 2022

Old posts

On 4/14/2022 at 10:36 AM, Preety_India said:

I don't need anyone's help. I don't do this so that someone should show sympathy for me or pity on me. Nah. I don't do it for that. I just want to feel emotionally stable. I don't like someone fussing with my emotions that is all.

I don't need meds for my emotions. I usually do quite well if someone is not fucking me up and giving me a decent human treatment. It's like I'm a ball of problems, so best is to stay away from me, because I'm a problem that only a psychologist would understand, or someone who is super emotionally intelligent. Someone who is understanding what's happening in my psyche rather than judging me on my behavior and drawing weird conclusions on me. I'm not looking for your psychoanalysis of me. I already know how I feel and why I feel like that. I mean if all you're going to do is impose your diagnosis and analysis on me then no thanks I don't need that. What I need is someone who is truly faithful to me and truly understands me.

I am tired of people showing me sympathy. I never said that I needed it.

But what I need is a true bond.

And if you can't give me that, then nothing else is needed. I want nothing from you.

I want someone to love me, someone who genuinely cares about me, not faking it or pretending to.

I want someone who understands the way I feel.

Someone who wants to share my journey and understands my struggles, not someone who pulls away (because that's obviously going to make me feel worse) and someone who doesn't impose their expectations on me, or their judgments or opinions or their suggestions.

Because I don't need all that. That's not what I am looking for

Yes I'm a wounded person.. Yes I'm hurt...

My healing comes through love, love that is real and not just a bunch of words on a screen. Love that is meaningful in some way, wholesome..

Someone who won't abandon me.

On 4/14/2022 at 11:08 AM, Preety_India said:

I'm not going to be so much on the Main forum. That's the only way to reduce some of the friction I experience from people who don't know me proper. Or who get messy with me.

This is my peaceful corner. Don't rattle me here.

I'm going to be largely dismissive, avoidant, suspicious. And introverted

So don't be surprised if I tend to avoid. Because that's my personality. I'm obviously going to do what's best for me. That's where my healing lies.

Stop judging my character. And stop drawing my attention. I'm to myself. Borderlines do stuff for themselves and not for others.

The only person whose validation truly matters to me is ME.

Preety_India · April 27, 2022

Old post from another journal

On 4/12/2022 at 11:33 PM, Preety_India said:

I finally found a person who is exactly exactly like me

She has been traumatized by child abuse just like me.

She is just like my mirror self I feel

I mean I talk like her..

And then I have this imaginary character called Greg. Super powerful character that helps me stay grounded.

Greg is super caring. I feel awesome with Greg.

Now I understand why I never feel Psychologically normal.

The other person that makes me feel awesome is the character Rupert.

Rupert is super caring and a bit smart.

I think I need smart people to handle me and manage me. People who are emotionally smart but not corrupt.

Preety_India · April 27, 2022

Old posts

Resources on bpd.

On 4/14/2022 at 10:36 AM, Preety_India said:

I don't need anyone's help. I don't do this so that someone should show sympathy for me or pity on me. Nah. I don't do it for that. I just want to feel emotionally stable. I don't like someone fussing with my emotions that is all.

I don't need meds for my emotions. I usually do quite well if someone is not fucking me up and giving me a decent human treatment. It's like I'm a ball of problems, so best is to stay away from me, because I'm a problem that only a psychologist would understand, or someone who is super emotionally intelligent. Someone who is understanding what's happening in my psyche rather than judging me on my behavior and drawing weird conclusions on me. I'm not looking for your psychoanalysis of me. I already know how I feel and why I feel like that. I mean if all you're going to do is impose your diagnosis and analysis on me then no thanks I don't need that. What I need is someone who is truly faithful to me and truly understands me.

I am tired of people showing me sympathy. I never said that I needed it.

But what I need is a true bond.

And if you can't give me that, then nothing else is needed. I want nothing from you.

I want someone to love me, someone who genuinely cares about me, not faking it or pretending to.

I want someone who understands the way I feel.

Someone who wants to share my journey and understands my struggles, not someone who pulls away (because that's obviously going to make me feel worse) and someone who doesn't impose their expectations on me, or their judgments or opinions or their suggestions.

Because I don't need all that. That's not what I am looking for

Yes I'm a wounded person.. Yes I'm hurt...

My healing comes through love, love that is real and not just a bunch of words on a screen. Love that is meaningful in some way, wholesome..

Someone who won't abandon me.

On 4/14/2022 at 11:08 AM, Preety_India said:

I'm not going to be so much on the Main forum. That's the only way to reduce some of the friction I experience from people who don't know me proper. Or who get messy with me.

This is my peaceful corner. Don't rattle me here.

I'm going to be largely dismissive, avoidant, suspicious. And introverted

So don't be surprised if I tend to avoid. Because that's my personality. I'm obviously going to do what's best for me. That's where my healing lies.

Stop judging my character. And stop drawing my attention. I'm to myself. Borderlines do stuff for themselves and not for others.

The only person whose validation truly matters to me is ME.

On 1/8/2022 at 5:45 PM, Preety_India said:

The problems I'm currently facing that I need to conquer this year are —

Depression

Anxiety

Panic

Nightmares

PTSD

Rage issues due to PTSD

Suicidal ideation

Insomnia

Learning disorders and disability

Memory issues

Edited April 27, 2022 by Preety_India

Preety_India · April 27, 2022

Old posts

On 4/14/2022 at 10:36 AM, Preety_India said:

I don't need anyone's help. I don't do this so that someone should show sympathy for me or pity on me. Nah. I don't do it for that. I just want to feel emotionally stable. I don't like someone fussing with my emotions that is all.

I don't need meds for my emotions. I usually do quite well if someone is not fucking me up and giving me a decent human treatment. It's like I'm a ball of problems, so best is to stay away from me, because I'm a problem that only a psychologist would understand, or someone who is super emotionally intelligent. Someone who is understanding what's happening in my psyche rather than judging me on my behavior and drawing weird conclusions on me. I'm not looking for your psychoanalysis of me. I already know how I feel and why I feel like that. I mean if all you're going to do is impose your diagnosis and analysis on me then no thanks I don't need that. What I need is someone who is truly faithful to me and truly understands me.

I am tired of people showing me sympathy. I never said that I needed it.

But what I need is a true bond.

And if you can't give me that, then nothing else is needed. I want nothing from you.

I want someone to love me, someone who genuinely cares about me, not faking it or pretending to.

I want someone who understands the way I feel.

Someone who wants to share my journey and understands my struggles, not someone who pulls away (because that's obviously going to make me feel worse) and someone who doesn't impose their expectations on me, or their judgments or opinions or their suggestions.

Because I don't need all that. That's not what I am looking for

Yes I'm a wounded person.. Yes I'm hurt...

My healing comes through love, love that is real and not just a bunch of words on a screen. Love that is meaningful in some way, wholesome..

Someone who won't abandon me.

On 4/14/2022 at 11:08 AM, Preety_India said:

I'm not going to be so much on the Main forum. That's the only way to reduce some of the friction I experience from people who don't know me proper. Or who get messy with me.

This is my peaceful corner. Don't rattle me here.

I'm going to be largely dismissive, avoidant, suspicious. And introverted

So don't be surprised if I tend to avoid. Because that's my personality. I'm obviously going to do what's best for me. That's where my healing lies.

Stop judging my character. And stop drawing my attention. I'm to myself. Borderlines do stuff for themselves and not for others.

The only person whose validation truly matters to me is ME.

On 4/14/2022 at 2:01 PM, Preety_India said:

I don't need anyone's help. I don't do this so that someone should show sympathy for me or pity on me. Nah. I don't do it for that. I just want to feel emotionally stable. I don't like someone fussing with my emotions that is all.

I don't need meds for my emotions. I usually do quite well if someone is not fucking me up and giving me a decent human treatment. It's like I'm a ball of problems, so best is to stay away from me, because I'm a problem that only a psychologist would understand, or someone who is super emotionally intelligent. Someone who is understanding what's happening in my psyche rather than judging me on my behavior and drawing weird conclusions on me. I'm not looking for your psychoanalysis of me. I already know how I feel and why I feel like that. I mean if all you're going to do is impose your diagnosis and analysis on me then no thanks I don't need that. What I need is someone who is truly faithful to me and truly understands me.

I am tired of people showing me sympathy. I never said that I needed it.

On 4/14/2022 at 2:04 PM, Preety_India said:

Anyway this was a huge learning lesson on trust.

People with bpd already have trust issues

It's an elimination process.

Be quick to eliminate those who don't win your trust.

Also clear communication.

In a way people get auto filtered out.

Those who stay will stay.

Those who wish to leave will leave.

On 4/14/2022 at 5:41 PM, Preety_India said:

I'm now learning how to adjust to everything.

You'll end up with a lot of people who kinda break your trust.

It's important to kinda win your trust in the first place.

Make it difficult for someone to win your trust.

Let them try harder. Let them approach you first.

Even then develop a strong firewall.

Make it increasingly difficult

On 4/14/2022 at 7:14 PM, Preety_India said:

I feel much better today after many days.

Still there are a number of things to work on.

The problem of mixed signals.

The Problem of getting too close and personal which creates discomfort?

On 4/14/2022 at 7:26 PM, Preety_India said:

If I want some sort of a personalized relationship then this environment is definitely not the best for it. I need to look elsewhere. Not here. Here it gets messy. Because it's a small tight knit place. And too much flakiness

Plus people are connected to each other. One thing leads to another and any news spreads like wild fire.

I guess people are way too familiar to each other. To the point of too close for comfort.

I never wanted to be in a relationship until I fell in love with a guy and I couldn't believe it.

Hindsight probably a bad idea. Terrible

The best place is a place where you can have a one on one and there is nobody to interrupt. Nobody to spread bad news.

So it's like even things turn sour, it's simply cut off with no strings attached and no remaining karma to fall back on or think about.

On 4/14/2022 at 7:46 PM, Preety_India said:

So where should I look?

It's not like where I should look.

Just have a private space where only a private conversation can take place independent of others.

Not from a community.

But from a dating website probably or some other place which is not exactly a community like random strangers.

I'm afraid of random strangers by the way.

But think about this buttercup.

Anyone who you meet, even if the backdrop of it gives you an illusion of closeness and community, it's still a stranger, although it doesn't feel like it, because you share so much with them

It's like you're personal with them in an illusory even if they are not exactly personal. But the illusion stays

I need to be able to differentiate between personal and impersonal..

On 4/14/2022 at 7:54 PM, Preety_India said:

It's not my fault that I feel this way.

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