I'd appreciate your guidance...

[meta_male]

Last year I had some sort of awakening on weed while listening to Leo's "Guided Exercise For Realizing You Are God", where my paradigm shifted to a very strange place. I've been stuck here since, almost like I've seen through some illusions but not enough in order to have the peace I've been looking for.

Through all this confusion I've moved in together with my girlfriend, which really only made the situation worse. At that time I was also close to having a burnout at work and so all I wanted was time for myself to contemplate and just getting up to what I love doing without caring about anyone else in my life.

 

Here's some of the things I've realised during that time:

- Good and evil are relative. I've learnt to see the beauty in what's considered darkness.

- Memories don't represent what happened. I realised this by seeing that in my memories I am seeing the whole scene from another perspective and not through my usual point of view.

- If I can't remember my birth, it's possible I've been here longer than I think. I just don't remember.

- Death is the falling away of what I've become used to. I experience it every day, just in a more subtle way than physical death.

- If through technology a dead body was able to talk and move, there would be no difference between them and someone else I interact with.

- I am not the one typing this. The typing is all there is in this very moment.

- I put more filters on reality through concepts. I was talking to a friend outside in some bad lighting while looking into his eyes. Because of the shadows across his face I couldn't actually see his eyes. Then, for a split second, I realised this is what he actually looked like in that moment. It was creepy as hell but also pretty badass as he looked like a demon without my mind projecting his normal face onto him.

- I can function without thinking. When I want to move my arm and watch what/whoever gives the input for the movement, thought and the actual moving aren't in sync. I can think about walking left and actually go right.

 

Here's my problem: right after having an insight I keep getting pulled back into doubting whether I am actually on the right track or if I'm going crazy. All while having an inner trust that everything will turn out ok. I've been struggling with this confusion for a while now, over one year in fact, which makes it close to impossible to make any important life decisions. I'm not sure if I'm stuck because of my relationship or if I'm just going about it the wrong way. I was a different person when I met my girlfriend and more tolerant of people than I am now...probably due to ignorance?

 

Right now I don't know what's best for myself because my needs seem to change every day. Is this normal? What am I missing here?

[Leo Gura]

19 minutes ago, meta_male said:

Here's my problem: right after having an insight I keep getting pulled back into doubting whether I am actually on the right track or if I'm going crazy. All while having an inner trust that everything will turn out ok. I've been struggling with this confusion for a while now, over one year in fact, which makes it close to impossible to make any important life decisions.

Your insights seem genuine. Of course not all your insights are the end-all-be-all, or fully complete, but that's too much to expect so early. It will take years for all your insights to clarify and gel. You have to get comfortable with not-knowing and being in confusion. You have to get comfortable with partial insights and ever evolving insights. And you have to get comfortable with making some mistakes, misunderstanding some stuff, and then later get the corrections. This field is just too deep and complex for get simple, clear-cut, one-shot answers. Your understanding will upgrade and evolve as you keep contemplating and having more experiences. You don't need to have it all figured out. I'm still confused about some existential stuff after like 10 years working on this. Be patient with it and also don't forget to enjoy life and this process.

19 minutes ago, meta_male said:

I'm not sure if I'm stuck because of my relationship or if I'm just going about it the wrong way.

Be careful not to throw away your relationship. You should communicate to your gf that you are going through a phase of confusion, so you two are on the same page. I'm sure your gf would be interested in supporting you in this (assuming she loves you). You can even use her to bounce your doubts and confusions around with.

The best solution to confusion is just to acknowledge it and stop trying to correct it immediately. Bask in it a bit and notice that it's okay to be confused. See my video: How To Deal With Confusion

[BipolarGrowth]

If you were actually going crazy, it would likely be clear to everyone around you and yourself in a few weeks or less. 
 

Being a bit confused about metaphysical topics while on the path is a far shot from being crazy. Just keep doing the work, and take Leo’s advice of becoming more comfortable with the confusion seriously. 

[VeganAwake]

Yeah man I've been there and I feel for you. 

The mind wants to find an answer that brings clarity and peace. And it always feels like it's on the cusp of figuring everything out.

There isn't an answer but it can be recognized that the very one desperately seeking for an answer is an illusion!

And then BOOM, there's just everything without separation!

❤ 

[meta_male]

@Leo Gura @BipolarGrowth @VeganAwake Thank you for your time, this is very helpful already!

Yeah, I guess there's no rush. I'll try to loosen up a little

[Kksd74628]

@meta_male

The whole point of spirituality is to loosen up, let go and have fun, so go and live the best life you could ever imagine .

-joNi-  ? ? ?

[meta_male]

So, after watching Leo's videos How To Deal With Confusion and How To Harness Your Intuition, intense self reflection, embracing uncomfortable feelings and doing research, I've gotten to the bottom of the suffering.

I intuited something was off in the relationship, but I just couldn't put my finger on it. Well, yesterday I came across several videos by Stephanie Lyn Coaching on Youtube and it just dawned on me. Every word described my exact situation. My world shattered and I just knew I've been living a lie the past two years. Everything points towards my girlfriend being a covert narcissist. The need for constant attention, silent treatment, lack of emotional connection, no empathy, love bombing, presents, no clarity about the past, twisting words in my mouth. It's like the coin finally dropped. I'm ashamed and creeped out but at the same time relieved.

But most importantly, what has become clear is that I still have codependent traits like poor boundaries, a false belief that I've got to take care of everyone and putting my needs behind other's. I understood this intellectually but now there is a real knowing. I know this stems from my childhood because my mum withheld love whenever I didn't live up to her expectations. The big lesson here for me is to take responsibility and not hand over my power to anyone else in my life because it will slowly poison me. Keeping up the narrative that I'm just a good person won't do anymore.

Also, insecurity is poisonous as hell and disguises itself as love, when in fact it is the opposite and will exploit and bite you in the ass eventually. It is the fox that gets playful with the cat only to crush its skull once close enough, as explained in Leo's video about scammers.

What I have to look out for now is to not to shut myself off completely, while still maintaining a healthy amount of scepticism. This could take a while for me to internalise but now there is a silver lining.