Maybe I'm sleepwalking (random)

[Preety_India]

Storing my random thoughts. 

 

Edited April 25, 2022 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

Long posts. All random thoughts. 

 

 

Just write whatever appears in my mind.. Just whatever. Be frank and open about my thoughts. (it's kinda chaotic but it's useful to just put out there so I at least know what my mind is thinking?) 

 

[Preety_India]

When I'm experiencing heavy emotional states, my writing looks scattered, separated and heavily spaced. 

 

So forgive me for the erraticness

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

 

I am crying while writing this. Because this is heavily emotional for me. Some thoughts are not associated with this. 

 

So the whole thing began on March 16. I got angry. Super angry. I was very frustrated. I was in physical pain all morning that day. And I took out all of my inner frustration in that heat of the moment. I didn't care about anything. I said what I felt without inhibitions. 

And I remember it was evening. It was all over. I regretted it. Big time. I wanted to say sorry. There was no space. Everything stood at a standstill. 

I felt Hyper anxious. I was holding my head in shame. 

I was thinking - what the fuck did I just do? Why did I do this? Why didn't I have patience? 

The next 3 days were total confusion and delirium. 

It was March 20. I set a date of March 27. 

I was desperately counting every day, never mind that it was barely 15 days I had recovered from Covid. 

 

Then it was March 21st. 

I had an entry in my private diary that reads - this dude really..... I wrote about someone who called me a p radar. I was getting something in my tummy. 

I forgot about it later. 

Then the dreaded date came near. It was March 27. 

I also made a thread on March 23 on leaving the forum permanently. I was fed up. I was acting erratic. 

 

March 27 completely drained any residual hope and energy in me. I decided I had to move on with my life and put things behind. 

 

Then came April. I wrote about Giga healing in the first whole week. It made me feel better. 

But I wasn't able to forget this guy. He was still on my mind. 

It was April 8.

I was diagnosed with bpd. It was based on what my therapist had hinted at me long ago last year and I had failed to pay attention to it.

 

A person on this forum had also suggested that I have bpd.. I was acting very erratic but I was happy that at least I could put a name to my symptoms and not have to suffer uncertainty over my symptoms anymore 

It was April 10 and I was feeling very drained and depressed. 

 

My emotions were dull and flat. I think I was displaying temporary shock and trauma from severe Abandonment anxiety. 

The abandonment anxiety is what led to the diagnosis of bpd 

It was almost April 13.

And that day April 13(13 is always an unlucky number for me, I remember a huge fight broke out between me my ex Joseph on March 13, 2020). 

So April 13, I had a huge fight on the forum. In the Society section. I was feeling heavily triggered by some comments which I felt were taking things very lightly. Stuff like trauma which is quite serious and labeling it as victimhood..

It was my own thread in the society section. 

I felt strange that day 

What transpired next was a chain of events that was utterly erratic and confusing thanks to my indiscretion and vapid sense of judgement and self awareness. 

So it was April 15 and I was already reeling with guilt, shame, regret, absurdity over my actions and apparent lack of inhibition. 

 

I acted recklessly. 

 

I felt like piece of shit 

 

 

I was desperate. I was acting impulsive 

I was scatter brained. I was all over the place. 

I was doing anything and everything to desperately feel better. 

I could have walked into a club, got drunk or had random sex just to feel better and stop the throbbing pain in my mind. 

I could have cut myself to release it. I was ready to do anything just to make it go away. 

Bpd bpd bpd....... It was showing up big time. 

 

This is the first time I was experiencing intense separation from my environment.. 

My emotions were in traumatic state due to the breakup a month earlier. I wasn't "me" anymore. 

 

I felt discarded, ignored, scattered, abandoned. 

 

 

Edited April 25, 2022 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

 

I got increasingly sexual during this time. 

I experienced a intense dissociation during this period. This is an important symptom of bpd.. 

This time period was from April 13 till present (April 25) 

There was absolutely no respite, no break, no rest. 

I was acting horribly erratic. I felt abandoned and neglected and I felt like trash 

I felt like my emotions were used and mocked and I just left to rot away. It was brutal 

 

My emotional processing was happening in a very haphazard and chaotic way. 

 

https://www.actualized.org/forum/forum/16-self-actualization-journals/?sortby=forums_topics.last_post&sortdirection=desc&page=1

 

 

Edited April 25, 2022 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

 

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Edited April 25, 2022 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

During this time period (which is little over a week ago but this time was intense), I frequently updated the journal "Diary of a sexually repressed girl.." 

I updated the journal after almost a month (because I was so fucking depressed), and this was my first entry on April 17th. 

 

 

The entries on the diary end on April 21st. 

And I'm not sure if I'm gonna be resuming. 

Hmm. 

 

Edited April 25, 2022 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

Do I genuinely believe that I'm a good person deep down? 

Answer - the answer is no. I don't think I'm a good person. Part of this is because I am sick of the word "good." 

I feel like by calling myself a good person, I am actually just puffing up my ego, it's an ego defense mechanism that is all. 

I have forgotten what it means to be good. I don't think there is anything inherently good or bad. Definitions of good and evil are very obscure in my mind.. 

Nobody is truly good. Is what I believe. 

Deep down we all have flaws we refuse to admit and by calling ourselves good we just sugarcoat ourselves to make our ego feel better.. 

A person who doesn't want to succumb to their own ego will find flaws in themselves and will also admit to them. 

Because this is what I fundamentally believe and this is the reason why I innocently call myself a bad person 

If God is great and a merciful God, will he judge bad people? The answer is no. God won't judge. Because judgement doesn't come from love. A loving God can't judge.. 

So whom am I afraid of if not God? Why should I be afraid of humans? Humans are anyway scum. 

So if im not afraid and if God is a merciful God then if I repented to God of my sins, won't God forgive me? 

It's only an abusive parent that will punish their children for their flaws and for having admitted to them. 

It's only an abusive group that will punish a person for being honest and opening up. 

A merciful person understands the value of repentance. 

[Preety_India]

I don't want to think of myself as a good person. Maybe I'm a good person who knows 

But I don't wish to walk in life thinking that I'm a good person.. 

Because it doesn't allow me to actually reflect on my flaws. 

It makes me feel like an angel but this is a farce. I would be lying if I said otherwise. 

Nobody is truly innocent nor is anyone an angel. I don't wish to angel-ify myself because that's ego defense in my eyes and an escape from self criticism/essentially self flagellation. 

 

[Preety_India]

Also deep down I wish to challenge the accepted norms and social definitions of good and bad, right and wrong. 

Most often people only do what feels right to them.. 

That's not being right. That's just being selfish. 

The first fishy moment is generally when someone presents themselves to be too good. I used to fall for this. 

For example my ex boyfriend Mr Bud. 

He would call himself the best person in town and how nobody ever said that he was a bad person. 

But he was very machiavellian and very psychologically abusive, would gaslight me all the time. 

How can a supposedly good person do that? 

Bwahahaha 

That has made me very suspicious of people who try to come off as good right off the bat. Like they call themselves the best people etc....

If someone ever told me that they are the best person and boasted about how great they were, that would be the single biggest clue that they are not what they really imply. 

That they are just being pretentiousness and fake. And I absolutely hate and abhor it to the max degree.. 

I have never had a problem with someone who called themselves bad. 

 

I always have had a problem with someone who called themselves good. 

Because they never actually turned out to be who they thought they were or who they told they were. 

Essentially I'm trying to challenge narcissism and hypocrisy. 

Because the only thing that I hated all my life was hypocrisy. I could stand anything in the world but not that.. 

I am always great at smelling hypocrisy. 

 

 

And who is  a hypocrite? 

 

The mark of the beast. 

 

 

Because you goddamn loser (now my temper is going up) if you were truly a virtuous person then you wouldn't need to trumpet to the whole world, tooting your own horn, your own actions would automatically prove it.

 

I absolutely hate people who use a certain preferable standard for themselves and use a completely different standard while judging others. You dirty mf, why don't you use the same  standard for yourself then? If you care so much about the truth. 

Leo says that people who care about the truth are the best people. 

In reality, at best what I saw is that people care a wee bit more about the truth when it comes to others and turn a completely blind eye to their own truth because.... Well... It's convenient, isn't it. 

 

 

Edited April 25, 2022 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

After a long time I discovered a nice song. 

 

 

https://youtu.be/PHs_uax2vw0

 

 

[Preety_India]

I'm feeling a bit unstable today 

But it's ok. 

I can handle it still 

 

I still felt a lot of neediness today that I need to work on. 

And this journal is great for self reflection and posting all thoughts.. 

Just any random thoughts. 

 

Sometimes I feel like I will never be really and truly understood. 

 

I just wish to live an honest life. Be honest with my emotions.. 

Not have to hold back anything at all ever. 

Just be myself truly and authentically

 

 

 

Edited April 25, 2022 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

I think I have partially recovered from the breakup. 

It was brutal and I would never want something like that again. 

That must stop in my life 

I have already cut off friendships because it's not worth my time nor gonna serve any real purpose to me. 

Only if the friends were really kind. 

Otherwise what's the point? 

Live on someone's kindness. 

And then get abandoned. 

In the end....... Abandoned. 

 

Bpd folks really have to create a thick wall around themselves because it's not worth getting screwed over and over again. 

It took me 15 days, some alcohol and some binge eating/listening to sad songs to finally get over that horrible breakup/abandonment situation. 

 

[Preety_India]

Also new symptoms. 

Post the breakup I'm experiencing new symptoms. 

Cyclical symptoms. Main symptom is dissociation. 

Chaotic feelings and emotions. Rapid emotional changes. 

Highs and lows.. Ups and downs. 

But along with that, just disorientation and feels like derealization. 

I feel like I am not connected to reality at all. Like I can't feel anything in front of me. Like a fog. Like walking through an invisible fog. Like sleepwalking. 

Yes yes yes. 

It feels like I'm sleepwalking. 

 

[Preety_India]

Full range of new symptoms from April 13 to  April 24..

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- cognitive function decline

 

 

 

 

- memory loss. Temporary amnesia 

 

 

 

- feeling fucked up. 

 

 

 

 

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[Preety_India]

Will. Write this later. 

 

[Preety_India]

First is having a strict discipline. 

 

[Preety_India]

I really love that song 

 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

How come God brings the right song in my life that matches with my train of thought and feeling? 

Everything is so synchronistic 

 

 

[Preety_India]

I'm so crazy. 

So crazy.