Apparently I've Led A Lot Of People On And Caused Upset, What Do I Do?

[Rocky]

Sorry if this sounds egotistical but i just want to get straight to the point.

I've been quite close and friendly to a lot of girls for a while, some for years, I knew or had the hint that some were attracted to me and i was to some of them too, but never got into a relationship with any, but they were kind of casual relationships but not really (like just kissing and doing nice things together and talking in deep conversations and etc but no sexual contact).

Because none really seemed that special to me and currently I'm way too busy with University and just trying to get on track with work and etc so that I pass this year and have no time for any relationships.

But when talking to a couple on separate occasions they asked if i was talking to other girls and whether i was close with any which i replied i was but not really just non-sexual casual stuff. I knew that some wouldn't be happy about it but it has caused more upset than i realised and I have absolutely no clue as to whether what i did/ im doing is so bad. 

I think what i did is respectable and nothing that bad, but a lot of people said that i was leading them on and now i feel really shitty and don't know wether it was acceptable or not.

Because i believed that for single people it was legitimate to have lots of casual potential partners and be close to them (if that even makes sense ), because thats my understanding of what people do on dating  apps and etc, they arent talking and getting with more than one person ( im not using any, its just for comparison to my situation).

So yea, now it seems all girls that i got even the slightest bit close to are time bombs waiting to find out that im not actually ready for a relationship but I'm talking to a lot of girls and will just get pissed and upset and try to make me look bad.

So what do i do? Do i tell them literally everyone i talk to, everything ive ever done with a girl? I think its ridiculous and unnecessary so tell every girl i meet that.  But its like if i don't then whoever i get to know will be pissed at me in the long run.

Im pretty certain there are other guys that are in the same situation as me or even worse but what do you/ I do? And im pretty sure im not the only guy any of them talk to either.

 

[Arman]

Well you kind of have to mess up a bunch to learn. Have you misled them? I dunno. Probably. 

Like Leo says, awareness alone is curative, so be aware that your words and behavior can have negative consequences and try to have more integrity in your behavior and be more clear and honest in your intent. It's possible to be intimate with a girl and have more defined boundaries. You probably were more aware that you were giving mixed signals at the time than you are admitting to, but now you are just more willing to accept it. 

3 hours ago, Rocky said:

they asked if i was talking to other girls and whether i was close with any which i replied i was but not really just non-sexual casual stuff. I knew that some wouldn't be happy about it

3 hours ago, Rocky said:

I think what i did is respectable 

these statements sound a little bit incongruous because you knew you were putting them in a situation where they were attached/going to become jealous. Perhaps at the time you weren't realizing the impact that this can have on people. It is gratifying to the ego when girls become attached and it's easy to say "I'm just being me, and that's just how girls are" but it gets to a point where you have to be mindful in your behavior and words. Otherwise these things tend to come back and bite you in the ass, and that is secondary to the hurt it can cause others.  Temperate action/behavior rules the day. 

Edited January 28, 2017 by Arman

[YaNanNallari]

This is looking at it as if you're innocent and actually didn't do any wrong in this case intentionally. Have you mislead them? In relation to how things normally socially go you probably have judging by the situation. Does this make you a bad person? No. Did you even do wrong? It's debatable but you probably didn't lie, since you didn't know what's going on, even though that's what you might be told. Are people going to be mad at you for a reason? Yes but it will probably be exaggerated. Like by a lot if you go by your values. Note that those girls may value different things than you do and their emotional well being might be key to them whereas you see your career being the main thing.

So what are you going to do now? I'm not sure what exactly you should do, but the fact that is that there's a bunch of people upset or will be. If you want to keep those relationships, whatever they are to you, alive on some level then you'll probably want to just be humble, admit that you did wrong and slightly defend yourself by saying you didn't realize they felt that way. Don't try to make stuff up and get out of it without a scratch. Let them be mad at you. In case you're not innocent and actually fucked up then well, being honest is still not a bad option. Stay humble though.

You don't have to tell everyone everything imo. That will just make yourself look like you hold yourself on a pedestal since it seems you're assuming everyone is attracted to you (and they will gossip about it). Possibly tell some people that you are concerned the most about. Hope this helps

[Life Coach]

You did nothing wrong, relax. You don't have to be in a sexual relationship with a woman, it is perfectly fine to just be friends. You don't need to excuse yourself, you do not need to explain anything. And if you chose to date, you can date as much women as you like at the same time. Really if the girls have a problem with you talking to a lot of other girls and being friends with more than just them then that is their problem and their problem only. They seem pretty insecure.

Only you can decide for yourself how many friends you can have and with how much girls you can talk to, and no one else has a say in it. I find it amusing how every girl can lead guys on, date multiple guys all the time and friendzone them as they please and that's perfectly fine, but when a man does that then it's suddenly a bad thing? Pathetic. I suggest you give less fucks and do what you want.

But on the other hand, don't be an asshole, be humble. If you start a sexual relationship then don't lie and don't cheat.

[Toby]

Be aware of people who try to do some guilt tripping on you when in fact you did nothing wrong. Don't fall for this.

[Life Coach]

6 minutes ago, Toby said:

Be aware of people who try to do some guilt tripping on you when in fact you did nothing wrong. Don't fall for this.

I love reading posts like this, so refreshing and healing. No wall of text, no bullshit around it, just straight real truth short and juicy in a single sentence, saying it like it is. Like a scalpel to the heart with the precision of a surgeon and the power of Thors Hammer.

[SFRL]

19 hours ago, Rocky said:

Sorry if this sounds egotistical but i just want to get straight to the point.

I've been quite close and friendly to a lot of girls for a while, some for years, I knew or had the hint that some were attracted to me and i was to some of them too, but never got into a relationship with any, but they were kind of casual relationships but not really (like just kissing and doing nice things together and talking in deep conversations and etc but no sexual contact).

Because none really seemed that special to me and currently I'm way too busy with University and just trying to get on track with work and etc so that I pass this year and have no time for any relationships.

But when talking to a couple on separate occasions they asked if i was talking to other girls and whether i was close with any which i replied i was but not really just non-sexual casual stuff. I knew that some wouldn't be happy about it but it has caused more upset than i realised and I have absolutely no clue as to whether what i did/ im doing is so bad. 

I think what i did is respectable and nothing that bad, but a lot of people said that i was leading them on and now i feel really shitty and don't know wether it was acceptable or not.

Because i believed that for single people it was legitimate to have lots of casual potential partners and be close to them (if that even makes sense ), because thats my understanding of what people do on dating  apps and etc, they arent talking and getting with more than one person ( im not using any, its just for comparison to my situation).

So yea, now it seems all girls that i got even the slightest bit close to are time bombs waiting to find out that im not actually ready for a relationship but I'm talking to a lot of girls and will just get pissed and upset and try to make me look bad.

So what do i do? Do i tell them literally everyone i talk to, everything ive ever done with a girl? I think its ridiculous and unnecessary so tell every girl i meet that.  But its like if i don't then whoever i get to know will be pissed at me in the long run.

Im pretty certain there are other guys that are in the same situation as me or even worse but what do you/ I do? And im pretty sure im not the only guy any of them talk to either.

 

The way you describe your situation is exactly the way a lot of women live their life.

They will have multiple guys orbiting around them who they will be sort of close with keeping them hoping for more, which ofcourse never happens. 

Meanwhile claiming that she doesn't understand what the big deal is and that she didnt know what was going on. 

The only reason it is even considered egotistical is because you are a guy. 

 

Edited January 28, 2017 by STC

[ElenaO]

In my opinion it's best to tell them your intentions. Just tell these girls that you aren't planning to date them "for real". 
 

[Life Coach]

1 hour ago, ElenaO said:

In my opinion it's best to tell them your intentions. Just tell these girls that you aren't planning to date them "for real". 
 

Yeah this sounds reasonable

[Shin]

4 hours ago, Toby said:

Be aware of people who try to do some guilt tripping on you when in fact you did nothing wrong. Don't fall for this.

This.

A lot of people are in a infinite loop of inconscious victims behaviors, whatever you do, they always try to guilt you, because they want to feel important, their ego needs to be fed.

 

[clytaemnestra]

21 hours ago, Rocky said:

i believed that for single people it was legitimate to have lots of casual potential partners and be close to them (if that even makes sense

It depends on the culture. I heard that in the US people do it, but in some European countries it's cheating if you DATE (non-sexually, just hang around) two persons at the same time. I personally have never dated multiple men nor I would ever. If my potential partner would have went on a date with another girl, he would be no potential partner anymore. 

[SFRL]

3 minutes ago, clytaemnestra said:

It depends on the culture. I heard that in the US people do it, but in some European countries it's cheating if you DATE (non-sexually, just hang around) two persons at the same time. I personally have never dated multiple men nor I would ever. If my potential partner would have went on a date with another girl, he would be no potential partner anymore. 

This is true. I am European but I live in the US. What you say I experience to be a big difference between dating in Europe and the US. 

Me being European I hold the same believes as you do what's acceptable and what's not. 

Edited January 28, 2017 by STC

[clytaemnestra]

1 minute ago, STC said:

big difference between dating in Europe and the US. 

To elaborate more how it works in some Western, Central and North European countries (note: there're exceptions, but those are social norms in my observation). I've never been to US nor UK, so I have no personal experience, only what my acquaintances told me. I completely understand those girls that're mad and I want to to show it from my perspective as I see it and probably they as well.

Since we're raised with nudes on TV, porn and so on, for us is sex not a big deal and it's okay to have it on the first date without sex-shaming or to hang around as friends in get-the-know phase in a long time without sex. So, we don't consider cheating only as having sex with someone, but giving your attention and time to another person. We value time a lot and quality of relationships (in general, between people) instead on quantity, so it's kinda considered as immature if a person hangs around with another person "just so", or without any serious attentions (in FWB thing both sides should be clear on that matter, but I see more couples, than FWB). 

I female have only one female friend, others are just acquaintances, but not friends, so I also want to spend my time with one potential partner and if he doesn't see me as his (girl)friend (or on the way to friendship) with the fact that we have mostly 1-2 or 3 friends as a people we trust to, then I would think he's immature, shallow and superficial while he prefers quantity over quality.

The characteristic of a man that's the most important to me is "respectful" (as well to my female friends) and I wouldn't find it respecting being someone's "option". If I put him as my priority in my leisure time (what means he should be more worth to spend my time with than reading a book or watching a movie what I really enjoy) I also want him to appreciate my time and not to have me as an "option". 

[SFRL]

@clytaemnestra since the US I believe has the highest divorce rate in the world I think that the way they approach relationships may not be the best. 

@Rocky do you about this internet community called "The Red Pill"?

It's basically a forum group of pissed off men who have developed their outlook on women and relationships. 

It's all about the Blue Pill vs Red Pill mindset for them. 

Blue Pill men are defined as Beta-male type of guys who suplicate to women and put them on a pedestal. 

And Red Pill men are defined as Alpha-male guys who go their own way.

Me personal I think that the best way to go is probably a mix of those two like a Purple pill with a glow red. 

A lot of people in the Red Pill community are very jaded and bitter.

At the same time it's an interesting perspective and you can take away from it what you want.  

[Life Coach]

17 minutes ago, STC said:

@clytaemnestra since the US I believe has the highest divorce rate in the world I think that the way they approach relationships may not be the best. 

@Rocky do you about this internet community called "The Red Pill"?

It's basically a forum group of pissed off men who have developed their outlook on women and relationships. 

It's all about the Blue Pill vs Red Pill mindset for them. 

Blue Pill men are defined as Beta-male type of guys who suplicate to women and put them on a pedestal. 

And Red Pill men are defined as Alpha-male guys who go their own way.

Me personal I think that the best way to go is probably a mix of those two like a Purple pill with a glow red. 

A lot of people in the Red Pill community are very jaded and bitter.

At the same time it's an interesting perspective and you can take away from it what you want.  

It's called mgtow and even though most of those man are indeed bitter, angry suffering drama queens and in generally broken and unpleasant, there is a lot of truth and wisdom in that philosophy to gain for a man. I agree with you on being a purple pill with a red glow, but you can also be completely red pill just without the hate and the bitterness.

[Elisabeth]

As a girl, I long lived in the paradigm that touch, let alone kissing leads to a (monogamous) relationship. I wasn't even aware that people sometimes date several potentials at once, before they decide. So while today I certainly don't think that having more then one close person is wrong, what you did may be considered lies of omission - you knew some of them would be upset if they knew you are intimate with others, but you didn't tell. You suspected some of them may be wanting a relationship, but you didn't tell them you're not ready. 

It doesn't matter if you did wrong or not. I don't hold much of "right and wrong". They could have asked and not place expectations on you. 

Yet I think the lesson learned, if you don't want to hurt people, is to be upfront. You don't have to say everything you've ever done with a girl, but you should tell something along the lines of "I enjoy very much what intimacy we have, and I would be happy to keep going with it. I'm into (kissing, cuddling, deep conversations, whatever), if you are happy to do so sometimes. But I am not ready for a relationship and I am not willing to date you exclusively. Are you willing and able to sustain a casual relationship?" And all of that preferably before you kiss, or at least very soon after the first encounter. Prevent them from putting their hopes up. It is respectful to give the girls all the information they need to make their own decission. You may end up having less girls, but you will hurt less people and maintain a more honest selfimage. 

If it's interesting for you, you might want to take a glimps into the polyamorous mindset. I'm definitelly not saying you should have multiple relationships if you're not ready to manage one, but these people have wisdom to tell about honesty.

Edited January 29, 2017 by Elisabeth

[Toby]

More likely than not most of the girls had other dudes in their pipeline/rotation as well. So they weren't really hurt by anyone.

[Passionate]

@Rocky on some level, you are aware that you may have been "playing" some of these friends.....no matter the reason.  Perhaps, you were bored, lonely, vaguely interested, passing time, experimenting, inquiring, etc..  I do not pass judgment on your motivations for your behavior.  I would like to point out that in any relationship, both people are responsible for their behavior.  So, as long as you weren't making promises you couldn't keep, you did not do anything wrong.  I also do not think you have to broadcast your intentions at every turn.  Sometimes, you have to let the situation play out and see what happens.  I like that you are taking a casual approach before you jump in the proverbial dating pool.  I also agree with the poster that cautioned you about manipulations.  So, be clear and honest in whatever you do, and you will be fine.  Do not engage in the BS and stay above the fray.  your awareness of your behavior is the most important.  Lots of luck to you moving forward!!