From needy to vulnerable/confident

[Gabith]

Is there people on this forum who were very needy / people-pleaser and went from that from non-needy and vulnerable/confident ?

What practices / mindset helped you to go from needy to vulnerable/confident ?

[Federico del pueblo]

@Gabith I've definitely gotten much more confident and thus less needy, people pleaserish within the last 1,5 years or so.

I'm still not 100% confident/non-needy, but there is a steady improvement and it's foreseeable that I'll be almost entirely non-needy within another 6-12 months.

I actually avoid the term vulnerable, because interestingly the better I've gotten, the LESS vulnerable I'm feeling. I'm doing the thing you'd call "making yourself vulnerable", but by now it doesn't bother me anymore most of the time.

I simply care less about whether or not somebody likes me or not, or what the other person thinks of me.

So get a clear understanding of what constitutes needy and non-needy behaviour in specific situations.

Once you know how you "should" behave you'll encounter the problem that you can't do the behaviour because of awkward emotions of insecurity, fears of being judged/disliked etc.

So thinking about doing the right (confident) behaviour brings up limiting beliefs and emotions.

To work around this problem I use a technique to do emotional releases called "emotional freedom techniques" (EFT). This helps to reprocess the trigger and the emotions and beliefs at the very root, in the limbic system of the brain.

Like this you desensitize your brain to that trigger, such that doing the confident (vulnerable) behaviour doesn't cause you a lot of discomfort any more and thus you can do it much more easily.

The alternative to that and probably the most common approach used, is Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT).

Here you expose yourself intentionally to a challenging situation.

You speak your mind even though you feel fearful about it. You assert yourself even though you feel insecure. And this can be structured in a way where you only do things that are slightly uncomfortable and then you work your way up to doing ever more challenging things but they won't feel as challenging anymore because you've already somewhat desensitized your brain to triggers of social insecurities (progressive desensitisation).

[Gabith]

@Federico del pueblo thank you, it's very helpful! can't wait to make progress

[Lise]

I've definitely become less needy and more confident. During high school I even thanked my friends for being my friends one time. 

What made me change: just experience. I was really ballsy socially for a period. Meaning I'd go out to bars and clubs a lot, talk to a bunch of people, sneak into parties alone and pretend I was invited. Do risky things with guys, although that kind of ended up with ptsd for a period of time. I tried to be brave.

But this wasn't really what made me change. I got into romantic relationships. That definitely made me less needy, and was probably the biggest catalyst for this change in me. In my experience you can't be happy with a person while simultaneously being super needy and insecure. I went through massive turbulence in my love life before I got the confidence I needed to be a part of a stable relationship. I still don't know exactly how this happened. Probably just experience. Said friends from high school pointed out this change in me too.

If you're wondering about how to get a girl, just try. There's a lot of insecure girls out there. You could also watch Leo's guide about how to get laid.  Contrary to his videos (I think) I don't think one has to aim for the high quality ones, at least not to build confidence. The guys I hung out with was certainly not always very high quality, sometimes even violent. 

Edited April 26, 2022 by Lise

[JonasVE12]

You need to commit to facing all of your fear through stepping into tension and then changing your internal relationship to it. Letting go of attachment to self-identity inside the tension. The only way out is through. Nothing else will ever set you free other than stepping into tension and becoming courageous inside that space of resistance. Do one thing you resist each day. Or more. But gradually build it up. Take it as serious as you want. The degree to which you take it serious determines the degree to which you will be free and confident.