The life of it

[Esilda]

“I’m really sick of my life at the moment!” 

I’ve been practicing “I’m really sick of…” today to help myself make changes to my life that I’ve been too complacent about.

I get that stuck in a rut feeling sometimes that creeps up on me that I don’t know how to deal with. Routine helps, planning helps. A LOT though it’s my mind that I have to shakeup. Sometimes I play violin, read quietly by the river, do some gardening on my small balcony (lol), something outside of DOING my life so that I can feel like I’m doing this progress thing that we’re apparently mean to do in personal development. Maybe I’m a junkie? No I need this. 

I feel so different after I take action, often calmer. It makes me feel like my life is ACTUALLY moving in a place. ALSO my fears tend to go down, like usually I feel a lot of fear when I make changes, this exercise really just helps me make that shift. 

In this journal I’m going to document my mood, share different techniques and just describe in general how things are changing for me.

I saw the therapist the other day as I mentioned she’s really lovely as I’ve talked about and I told her at the end that I’m not seeing them for the next month as I just need to find my own headspace. Find that relief point.

I went jogging for the first time this morning. When I get back I felt exhausted though a few hours later I felt a positive kick.

I’m going to make myself do all sorts of new routines to help things shake up: meditating in a new place, reading books I wouldn’t normally read, new stretching routines... It makes me feel so much better at the end of the day. Again that moving forward feeling.

A lot of “I’m sick of” statements I have started saying “letting go” statements as well to help myself.

This afternoon I spent with my new kitten by the fountain in our local park! It made me feel all nice and calm, helping me ease nerves I usually have.

I’m focusing in on my negative habits as well, I need to quit chocolate biscuits lol. I eat too much at night. In general I need to eat more ‘em more healthy. Lol, no eat more healthy. Buying some new veggies tonight that I usually never eat! I’m terrible when it comes to food!

Overall I’m feeling better, like I’ve been really rethinking things for myself making sure I put a positive step forward and move away from some of my toxic behaviours. I feel lighter, freer. Just better. I want to be as self honest as possible throughout this journal, no hiding from what is really genuinely bad about some of the things I do that take away from me being the best me. Also saying no to overperfectionism.

Edited April 23, 2022 by Esilda

[Esilda]

No relationships for the rest of the year. Just a relationship with myself, my work and my hobbies. A “me” year. Finally. I feel like life has granted me this.

Friendships. Yes. I feel like they’re not my priority though I feel like I want to just really be with myself and love myself and love who I am and love life and love to just be.

 

Edited April 23, 2022 by Esilda

[Esilda]

I am starting to eat a lot more and I’m struggling to stop myself. I’m struggling with sleep as well. I feel well ☺️ though I feel that my subconscious has so so much going on that it’s sorting out. I’m worried a bit about gaining weight, I still exercise however I eat more than I need and I stay awake even though I am tired. I am starting to develop the habit of drinking tea late at night while on my balcony. It’s really peaceful and I like looking out at the night sky. Today I’m going to by some celery, bananas and broccoli with light rice and a touch of peanut butter, for some reason I feel that’s going to work. Tai chi has been going well, it really helps control my busy mind. After say an hour of tai chi I feel this zen state, which really helps me see how overly busy my mind can be. I was waiting at the tram stop today and I noticed how calm I was. An old guy stated talking to me out of the blue and we just had a calm chat. Usually I would have anxiety however for some reason I just felt peaceful and at ease during and after. Tai chi is a definite keeper. Visiting relatives at the moment everything is nice which is good, time to myself here is going to help me ease into my body and feel myself more.

I feel like I need a fresh start. Picture change? We’ll see.

Edited April 26, 2022 by Esilda

[Esilda]

Playing an old violin I found in family attic. Amazing! Lol all this dust and stuff I’m going to have to wipe off it! Now…where are the cleaning products…

Edited April 26, 2022 by Esilda

[Esilda]

A Woman Speaks

BY AUDRE LORDE

Moon marked and touched by sun   

my magic is unwritten

but when the sea turns back

it will leave my shape behind.   

I seek no favor

untouched by blood

unrelenting as the curse of love   

permanent as my errors

or my pride

I do not mix

love with pity

nor hate with scorn

and if you would know me

look into the entrails of Uranus   

where the restless oceans pound.

 

I do not dwell

within my birth nor my divinities   

who am ageless and half-grown   

and still seeking

my sisters

witches in Dahomey

wear me inside their coiled cloths   

as our mother did

mourning.

 

I have been woman

for a long time

beware my smile

I am treacherous with old magic   

and the noon's new fury

with all your wide futures   

promised

I am

woman

and not white.

 

[Esilda]

Ah, Moon — and Star! By Emily Dickinson

Ah, Moon — and Star!
You are very far —
But were no one
Farther than you —
Do you think I'd stop
For a Firmament —
Or a Cubit — or so?

I could borrow a Bonnet
Of the Lark —
And a Chamois' Silver Boot —
And a stirrup of an Antelope —
And be with you — Tonight!

But, Moon, and Star,
Though you're very far —
There is one — farther than you —
He — is more than a firmament — from Me —
So I can never go!

 

 

Controlled my eating well tonight, peanut butter and celery believe it or not is actually quite filling! ? 

Monitoring time before bed too going to listen to delta waves I remember being super super sensitive to these kinds of sounds in the past.

I feel it’s the journaling for some reason even though I have done so much work journaling in the past by myself and speaking to my therapist there is a healing effect from it still that I can’t replace ❤️.

Light reading for the rest of the evening. Fiction is the best choice at night I find.

 

Edited April 26, 2022 by Esilda

[Esilda]

Tones worked last night so that is going to become a part of my regimented schedule.

Every night close to 9pm from now on I will listen to delta waves while reading fiction (re-reading Harry Potter series at the moment). I will also wake up an hour early where I begin reading again straight away after I make myself some Earl Grey with tones from delta all the way up to beta and gamma so that I wakeup right. 

I will try light creative snacks like butter and celery from now on as well. Today I will try celery and Nutella.

Tonight I will share a new snack diet to complement my bigger meal diet, I don’t know maybe it’s interesting for others here.

[Esilda]

Feeling much better today working out, I just made my first smoothie in like forever. Banana, strawberry and blueberry. It maybe is a bit sugary. See how I go lol. I’ve finished for tai chi today as well, sometimes I feel so in the zone that I lose track of time. I’ve thought about combining tai chi with binaural beats though I’m probably overdoing it. Some of the YouTube videos I find with tai chi videos complement with the right music plus I can just put something else on at the same time if I want. I’d even rather just open up the door where I am and listen to the real wind chimes lol which is what I did. This afternoon if the weather is alright I’m going to do my stretching and more tai chi outside now that I have learned a lot of right movements. I feel in a playful mood plus it’s an amazing garden where I am. My cousin has a Labrador that I might let play with me while my kitty stays inside lol. Fetch. Tai chi. Fetch. Tai chi. Fetch. Tai chi. Lol
 

? 

[Esilda]

I am now prepping for UCAT! Wish me luck!!!

All I’m waiting on now is a date for the admissions test, I applied on the last day  they were accepting applications lol.

[Esilda]

Yes I have re-read everything I realise how irrational I was being.

If I may though, so that people understand my reaction…

When you spend so much time with someone to the point where they become your entire world, close connections saying things that hurt the image of what you had and how you see yourself even though it’s true… it was still so difficult to hear. I realise though that this is… well… emotional awareness right? I still have weaknesses here I realise that. I am not running away from them.

[Esilda]

Solid day For Tuesday 31st 

I tai chi’d myself to death for 2 1/2 hours today! 2 different periods, 2 different smoothies.

Strange though. Usually I am just pretty calm during… hmm… though lots of day dreaming fantasies, I day dreamed of a fruit market it was so random lol. I went to the fruit market in the afternoon, cheaper though more natural tomatoes and oranges which are my favourite. I never got this whole debate about whether or not tomatoes were fruits or vegetables.

I day dreamed about the future of humanity probably because I watched michio talking yesterday lol.

I re-read one of my favourite chapters in The Power of Now. Everyone knows the author.

Things I wish for, for everyone to just love each other on planet earth.

These test questions… Ugh so tired… UCAT… my last 30 minutes for the night.

Then I’m going to start learning a programming language as I know it will help me think more logically.

Before bed… compassionate meditation for 25 minutes… everyone on the planet.

Utterly… tired… Ugh. Lol. Dance time, shake it all about then back to it.

[Esilda]

Difficult day.

Shit.

Miserable.

Self forgiveness ❤️.

[Esilda]

Life is a maze from the second we are born. When I was 4 years old I started having major anxieties, Maybe even earlier but it’s difficult to see anything before that in my memory. When I was 11 I received special care for depression and anxiety. Meds too. 

Depression runs in my family so I think I am one that has got it from the family. Born with it then. Genetic susceptibilities. Won’t spoil anyone with needless medical jargon I am just so exhausted studying for my UCAT’s anyway. Going through a very traumatic move from one country to another when I was in my early teens was not a good idea by my parents. When I finished high school I was so burnt out as . Maladjusted. Overschooled. I was done. I have never tried to commit suicide. I have suffered from suicidal thoughts in my earlier years tho. I have been receiving serious help for just everything better than I ever have these last few years. I have had to use my medical knowledge to train my brain and body to work in the way I have needed it. I always felt empty though and this is what led me to spirituality in my late teens, questioning my agnosticism and my parents devout faith. Sometimes I have felt so old in a young body. I have been told I am wiser beyond my years. I don’t believe this to be completely true tho. There is so much of life I want to experience. I have to experience. 

I have decided to accept all of the parts of myself now. I have MADE A STAND!

I am now off my medication for the first time in my life and I haven’t been on medication for now over 3 months. I learned about spirituality from my friend Sarah growing up as her mum was so into crystals and everything so reaching out further has always been in the back of my mind. She’s had a big influence on my life in other ways where my mum wasn’t able to. In the last year I have made so much progress in my spirituality and mental well being. I made the most of a job opportunity I never had before and I have become more self aware than I used to be.

Now… I am sitting the UCAT in less than two weeks…. Petrified.

I still do tai chi. I simply have never been good with exams really.

I am learning to embrace and connect with my body much more. This really helps my anxieties and my connection with other people.

If I make it into medical school I want to specialise to become a pediatrician.

I want to become the best mom in the world after med school (++) and work part time with children.

Tired… Tai chi… fruit and vegetable smoothie… back to study.

If I don’t make it into medical school… there isn’t a won’t here… I would be so devastated.

The next move of life’s maze here… difficult to imagine… this would complete my maze.