Relationship/ intimacy Issues.. looking for coach

[Thought Art]

I’ve been speaking to some women, and I notice myself projecting, feeling defensive and cutting ties before I can really feel vulnerable.

 

For example;

1. A girl texts ‘Ok’ and my mind says “she’s not interested in you, she thinks your weird, etc” so I say “I don’t think this will work out, good luck” out of defense.

2. another girl told me she wanted to hangout and do a naked meditation. I didn’t really believe her but she brought it up. I asked her to hang out today, she said she had plans. So I asked her to hangout tomorrow…. She said she had plans, and afterward was tentative so I unmatched her on tinder. I don’t wanna feel dicked  around. I think I feel very excited and almost impatient with women. 
 

I don’t want to feel excited only to be let down so, it’s safer just to say no to you before you can say no to me.
 

I also find as my heart comes online as I feel the potential for intimacy… then the heart rubs up against the thorns and barbed wire of past pain, and trauma and thought patterns and energies I haven’t yet healed. 
 

I did an attachment style survey Leo posted and I know my current style is Avoidant/ disorganized. So… for all I know I have years of work to do before I can really date. However, I know I need experience even if it is painful. I didn’t really have a lot of good role models around trust, relationships, boundaries, emotional intelligence, etc so… I feel a very retarded. Most of my past relationships became toxic and ended badly. I think this attachment style problem has also affected my ability to do business and be successful with my art. I have a pretty decent reading list, and I will be finding a coach to help me through this process. 
 

I don’t think I can reach my full spiritual potential, or my actualize my full purpose until I heal these attachment style wounds. It feels like an uphill battle. 
 

This deep festering wound is healing slowly. There’s a lot of pain, shame, guilt, distrust, etc in the way of my business and relationships. 
 

I no longer have wifi in my apartment so I spend more time meditating, reading, contemplating and feeling. I think this is useful. I am also trying to get all my financials etc I  

When I am in the grips of the emotional pain/ vulnerability/ cognitive distortion/ impatience/ projection/ attraction: it’s so painful and overwhelming I feel like I am dying. It feels impossible and I feel like I’ll never be able to love…. 
 

I feel like I am a deeply loving, compassionate human being… but I also feel deeply wounded and cut off from my ability to relate deeply with women and it’s greatly limiting my quality of life. Not just women, but probably men too.

Edited April 22, 2022 by Thought Art

[puporing]

I would suggest getting a therapist for the medium/long term, who can give you a trusting relationship if you can afford this. Find a female therapist even and this would simulate some aspects of dating and trust/being vulnerable around women. Having this stable relationship (even though it's a paid one) can help you spring forward and be more okay when faced with rejections/heart breaks. Basically I'm saying you should try to heal this through a trusting/nurturing relationship because real life dating is all over the fking place, and can easily make things worse. And it sounds like right now you need to fill yourself up first in your love tank.

Edited April 23, 2022 by puporing

[Thought Art]

@puporing I think that is solid advice. I am still trying to balance my financial life, but I will see if I can manage to afford it.