Making friends can be mentally draining, is it worth it?

[something_else]

4 hours ago, Preety_India said:

Nope. It just that people aren't too invested and I'm more invested than them. I'm generally the faithful one in the friendship.

You say that like it's a good thing, but it isn't

Friendship requires mutual investment, both of you need to be getting the same amount of value from the relationship or it collapses.

Usually that mutual value starts out super small, just small talk and basic communication which improves each others' days. Then things escalate over time. But it sounds like you want to skip this social lubrication stage. But that creates a lot of tension and awkwardness that people don't like

You're kind of like the person going about literally saying "Let's be best friends." It comes across too needy. Friendships have to develop naturally, you can't force them. You start out super chill, then maybe something deeper develops, maybe it doesn't

3 hours ago, Preety_India said:

@Consept I think what I'm talking about is a friendship of convenience. 

Fair weather friends. 

Generally these people are users, manipulators, psychopaths, narcissists, feeders, predators, opportunists, covert, cold, machiavellian. 

 

 

This strikes me as quite toxic. Almost all friendships start out as friendships of convenience, then they develop from there. Yea obv if a person is taking complete advantage of you that's bad, but I severely doubt that's every single person you have had as some kind of acquaintance.

[NoSelfSelf]

You need to look for compatibility right from the start and looking for your type of people that wont drain you it seems to me you are finding people just for the sake of finding them and for sake of socializing...

[Preety_India]

1 minute ago, something_else said:

You say that like it's a good thing, but it isn't

Friendship requires mutual investment, both of you need to be getting the same amount of value from the relationship or it collapses.

Usually that mutual value starts out super small, just small talk and basic communication which improves each others' days. Then things escalate over time. But it sounds like you want to skip this social lubrication stage. But that creates a lot of tension and awkwardness that people don't like

You're kind of like the person going about literally saying "Let's be best friends." It comes across too needy. Friendships have to develop naturally, you can't force them. You start out super chill, then maybe something deeper develops, maybe it doesn't

Again assumption assumption.. It seems like you guys want to criticize me for nothing. I never said to anyone "let's just be friends." 

The friendship existed for more than a year and there was enough social lubrication in that. I was made to feel like everything was going absolutely fine and then one day they suddenly acted weird and I realized that I was merely a pawn. That's what broke my heart. So spare me your assumptions. 

I'm not going around begging people for friendships. 

There was absolutely no awkwardness, only me  feeling dumped in the end after all the smooth talking. And of course I figured the whole pawn thing when I connected all the dots and realized I was only used for convenience. 

 

 

1 minute ago, something_else said:

This strikes me as quite toxic. Almost all friendships start out as friendships of convenience, then they develop from there. Yea obv if a person is taking complete advantage of you that's bad, but I severely doubt that's every single person you have had as some kind of acquaintance.

No friendships don't have to start as convenience. Maybe your pov. Not my pov. I don't need your ruthless stage orange pov. 

There are people who start innocent friendships too. 

Stop gaslighting me. 

 

[Preety_India]

1 minute ago, NoSelfSelf said:

You need to look for compatibility right from the start and looking for your type of people that wont drain you it seems to me you are finding people just for the sake of finding them and for sake of socializing...

Compatibility is not the issue though. I already screen for compatibility. I can never be with people who are not on my level mentally. 

Like I said it's not about me doing something wrong. 

It's me being treated shitty. And no I was not even acting needy. 

It's just that you figure out in the end it wasn't worth it. Because they were just duping me all the time. 

But it's hard to figure out their intentions in the beginning. Compatibility was not the issue. 

 

[BuddhistLover]

@Preety_India You might just have to utilize your extraverted feeling part of your personality. Like take it to the Ti Grip. A lot of Fe doms literally just go around chatting it up with people like nobody's business, Once you have connected your feelings to theirs, there is a lot more margin for error. And engaging your full Fe can literally let you light up a whole room, then you become the emotional barometer for everyone, making everyone feel happy and satisfied. Because if you look at ESFJ and ENFJ  type people, everyone is basing what they're doing at the party off of them, and they feel more and more hyped up the more people that engage with their Fe. INFJ and ISFJ type people have this ability, but it's only at about half the power of the Fe dom's community building, emotional barometer. And @Leo Gura has Fe as apart of his personality too, that's what helped him keep all the people here together. He bases his decisions on here off of objective values, and acts as the emotional barometer for everyone. 

[Preety_India]

9 minutes ago, BuddhistLover said:

@Preety_India You might just have to utilize your extraverted feeling part of your personality. Like take it to the Ti Grip. A lot of Fe doms literally just go around chatting it up with people like nobody's business, Once you have connected your feelings to theirs, there is a lot more margin for error. And engaging your full Fe can literally let you light up a whole room, then you become the emotional barometer for everyone, making everyone feel happy and satisfied. Because if you look at ESFJ and ENFJ  type people, everyone is basing what they're doing at the party off of them, and they feel more and more hyped up the more people that engage with their Fe. INFJ and ISFJ type people have this ability, but it's only at about half the power of the Fe dom's community building, emotional barometer. And @Leo Gura has Fe as apart of his personality too, that's what helped him keep all the people here together. He bases his decisions on here off of objective values, and acts as the emotional barometer for everyone. 

I'm an INFJ-T. Can you explain me this in another way please 

[something_else]

1 hour ago, Preety_India said:

Again assumption assumption.. It seems like you guys want to criticize me for nothing. I never said to anyone "let's just be friends." 

The friendship existed for more than a year and there was enough social lubrication in that. I was made to feel like everything was going absolutely fine and then one day they suddenly acted weird and I realized that I was merely a pawn. That's what broke my heart. So spare me your assumptions. 

I'm not going around begging people for friendships. 

There was absolutely no awkwardness, only me  feeling dumped in the end after all the smooth talking. And of course I figured the whole pawn thing when I connected all the dots and realized I was only used for convenience. 

This is all about one friendship?????? I thought you were talking about a consistent pattern of friendships of yours that all ended up in you being used. If this is all about one friendship then you're making a lot of generalisations from a single friendship

You posted a thread asking for feedback and then you call the feedback criticising. Look, I just gave you my honest perspective on your situation. There is a chance that something you are doing here is causing your results. God knows I'm shit at making friends and it's almost entirely my fault

1 hour ago, Preety_India said:

No friendships don't have to start as convenience. Maybe your pov. Not my pov. I don't need your ruthless stage orange pov. 

There are people who start innocent friendships too. 

Stop gaslighting me. 

It's not ruthless, it's just how friendships develop.  You don't go from 0-100. You make friends by being around similar minded people and doing similar things, helping each other out in small ways, being convenient to each other, then over time you get closer and closer until it becomes something deeper. What part of that is gaslighting, wtf?

[Preety_India]

1 minute ago, something_else said:

This is all about one friendship?????? I thought you were talking about a consistent pattern of friendships of yours that all ended up in you being used. If this is all about one friendship then you're making a lot of generalisations from a single friendship

You posted a thread asking for feedback and then you call the feedback criticising. Look, I just gave you my honest perspective on your situation. There is a chance that something you are doing here is causing your results. God knows I'm shit at making friends and it's almost entirely my fault

It's not ruthless, it's just how friendships develop.  You don't go from 0-100. You make friends by being around similar minded people and doing similar things, helping each other out in small ways, being convenient to each other, then over time you get closer and closer until it becomes something deeper. What part of that is gaslighting, wtf?

You don't understand my post or you're understanding it all the wrong ways. No more. Goodluck. 

[Preety_India]

@something_else I'm sorry I got pissed off at you. It was one friendship that was like that. You're right. But I'ma person who makes friends with great difficulty to begin with, I'm too introverted, even one betrayal can bring an end to my world 

 

Edited April 21, 2022 by Preety_India

[something_else]

14 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

@something_else I'm sorry I got pissed off at you. It was one friendship that was like that. You're right. But I'm not a person who makes friends with great difficulty to begin with, I'm too introverted, even one betrayal can bring an end to my world 

 

I have a tendency to overreact when people disagree with me so sorry for that  Making friends is hard as an introvert and I've by no means mastered it, so I wish you the best too

All I'll say is that you shouldn't get too concerned that one friend has betrayed you like that. Everyone is gonna experience that at some point in life, I had a friend when I was a kid who went and turned all my other friends against me. Shit like that happens, try not to let it colour your experience of others too much. There are plenty of good people out there, just keep looking

Edited April 21, 2022 by something_else

[NoSelfSelf]

@Preety_India then something you are doing is turning them off look back and see when did they start losing interest and see the pattern

[meta_male]

At least take responsibility for not expressing yourself in a way we understand. Everything is pointing towards you not seeing that you're part of the problem. You'll end up being bitter and go around looking for reasons and confirmations from other people as to why they are the problem. Your posts suggest that you're pushing people away. Now it's up to you to at least consider thatthis a possibility  

[Preety_India]

1 hour ago, meta_male said:

At least take responsibility for not expressing yourself in a way we understand. Everything is pointing towards you not seeing that you're part of the problem. You'll end up being bitter and go around looking for reasons and confirmations from other people as to why they are the problem. Your posts suggest that you're pushing people away. Now it's up to you to at least consider thatthis a possibility  

Is this like your 5th comment on my thread that is unproductive to my issue? Can you see how aggressively you are engaging with me? 

 

I am observing that you are constantly coming back to my thread just to post some negative assumptions on my character. I don't appreciate your behavior. 

No thanks. That's not a possibility. Maybe just stop commenting if you don't get it. You misunderstanding my post is not my problem, stop with the unnecessary critique. 

If a person is asking for guidance, don't use that as an opportunity to attack that person and make that person a problem, it's very counter productive and creates unnecessary tension and stress. 

Nothing in my posts suggests that I'm pushing people away, absolutely nothing. In fact I clearly stated that I was always faithful and devoted in the friendship whereas I was being mistreated in the friendship. 

Your outlook is very myopic and you simply trying to constantly trigger me because this triggering is stimulating to you????? 

Enough of you imposing your assumptions and projections on me. 

I'm looking for positive answers and proper feedback, not looking for personal attacks on my character. 

If I was in your position and I realized that the OP does not find any common ground or resonance with my answer, I would have simply left the thread instead of continuing to argue 

 

This shows that you are deriving stimulation by arguing with me, why because I'm a girl???? 

Some guys come to the thread just to say something triggering to a woman on purpose because for them it's stimulating. 

I have no more time to deal with you. 

 

Edited April 22, 2022 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

16 hours ago, NoSelfSelf said:

@Preety_India then something you are doing is turning them off look back and see when did they start losing interest and see the pattern

No that's not the issue. If you don't understand the issue it's fine, but please don't change or assume something that is not true. 

I wasn't turning anyone off. They were mistreating me that caused me to reconsider why I would need friends if I have to find such people. 

I'm not demonizing them but it's probably better to reconsider something that is not being fruitful or productive to me. 

If a lot of my friends turn out to be greedy assholes, maybe I should not put so much trust in them?

 

[Preety_India]

If you guys are constantly going to post assumptions and projections on my thread, then this thread is going to be derailed and I might have to ask to get it locked. 

Please be aware that your opinions can also be assumptions that have no real basis in my life because you didn't exist in my life situations for you to confidently assert your assumptions. 

This is wrong behavior and its only imposing your views on a person who is not agreeing with it. 

Please avoid such behaviors. It's not helpful and leads to unnecessary conflict. 

 

[Preety_India]

19 hours ago, NoSelfSelf said:

You need to look for compatibility right from the start and looking for your type of people that wont drain you it seems to me you are finding people just for the sake of finding them and for sake of socializing...

Compatibility is not the issue. I can say that I might find better people to become friends but this will need extensive screening and a ton of socialization to get past all the bad apples and get the good apples. 

But this will be extremely time consuming for me to get 1 good apple 

That's the reason I said that for introverted people like me it's better to reconsider why I would need friends or if its even worth it. 

Because at this stage, the cost far outweighs the benefits I get from these useless friendships 

I need to do some cost benefit analysis here??? 

 

 

[something_else]

12 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

In fact I clearly stated that I was always faithful and devoted in the friendshipbut 

People can sometimes interpret that as neediness, which can then drive them away. That is what I think people are trying to convey to you.

But then when people tell you that, you claim that it's an attack on your character. It isn't an attack on your character, it's people suggesting that you could try something different which might help you get what you want out of life. This is a self-improvement forum, people are going to tell you to change your actions if you make posts here. It's the whole point.

I don't think you should interpret that as an attack on your character

Quote

I'm looking for positive answers and proper feedback, not looking for personal attacks on my character. 

You can't restrict yourself to only positive answers, sometimes advice doesn't feel good to hear. Especially on a male dominated forum, you're going to get very direct answers that aren't going to be sugar-coated

[Preety_India]

Just now, something_else said:

People can sometimes interpret that as neediness, which can then drive them away. That is what I think people are trying to convey to you.

But that's not my experience. Again it's your assumption that doesn't line up with my experience. 

It's like you're desperately trying to prove yourself right even when it doesn't align with my experience. 

 

Just now, something_else said:

But then when people tell you that, you claim that it's an attack on your character. It isn't an attack on your character, it's people suggesting that you could try something different which might help you get what you want out of life. This is a self-improvement forum, people are going to tell you to change your actions if you make posts here. It's the whole point.

Well improvement can also mean taking a different course of action like staying away from engaging in situations that have proven to be harmful over time? 

So if my past experiences suggest that I'm always dealing with a scammer, then maybe it's time to shut that door for good, instead of repeatedly being subjected to it again. 

Isn't that improvement to stop the flow of negative experiences in life? 

Your experiences might vastly differ from mine. Can you agree with this? 

 

Just now, something_else said:

I don't think you should interpret that as an attack on your character

You can't restrict yourself to only positive answers, sometimes advice doesn't feel good to hear. Especially on a male dominated forum, you're going to get very direct answers that aren't going to be sugar-coated

But if that advice doesn't resonate, maybe people should reconsider that it's not helpful to post such advice because the user doesn't see any worth in it. 

Well male dominated forum is not my problem.. I am not asking for any sugar coating, just looking for relatable experiences so I can know what people who went through similar situations did. 

I'm looking for other alternative solutions that you probably don't have to offer but please stop the assumptions stuff. It seriously doesn't align at all with my experience. 

It's simply imposing your view on me. Move on if your suggestions aren't helpful instead of trying to be self righteous about it. 

 

[Preety_India]

Frankly I'm tired of you two guys @something_elseand @meta_male constantly posting unhelpful stuff on my thread and derailing it in such a way. 

Maybe there are other alternative solutions or theories out there that might be helpful to me that you guys just don't know about. Maybe other users know. 

I request you two to not further derail my thread by repeating the same stuff. 

 

[meta_male]

@Preety_India alright. Didn't mean to offend you, though I can see it can seem that way. I wish you all the best.