Making friends can be mentally draining, is it worth it?

[Preety_India]

So recently I have been on a spree of socializing and making new friends. I made a couple of friends. 

But here's the problem. 

The friends that I made last year are kinda bored and don't respond that much anymore. People are only interested in the novelty factor after which pretty much they ignore you or get too used to you  and don't care to respond anymore. They simply move on. Or their conversations are not as exciting as they once used to be. 

Now I constantly make new friends as some keep dropping out. Most friendships are shallow, some start petty drama so I have to cut them out, some move away to another city and forget you after that, in a nutshell nobody sticks around for too long. 

It becomes an exhausting process to keep making new ones when old ones slowly begin to dwindle and fade away. 

I am beginning to wonder if it's even worth it to invest in friends or socializing because it's too draining and overwhelming to begin with, to invest time and energy, trust and effort into people, only for them to turn their backs on you when they don't need you anymore or because they got greener pastures?? 

Very few, I mean extremely few people stick around and even these forget you with the passage of time. 

Now I'm a strong introvert so I can hardly get a 100 friends the way extroverts do. I barely get along and I don't do small talk. I don't like shallow stuff. 

I can have very few friends who are extremely trustworthy and highly compatible with me, but this is already so hard and after overcoming all these challenges and putting a mega ton effort into building that friendship and then see it vanish into thin air a few months later is very disheartening to say the least. 

I'm pretty much drained of my emotional and trust fuel. 

I can't keep doing this forever. 

Any alternative to this problem? 

Or is this a never ending process and I have to keep slogging through to the end to find those few precious gems that will stick around? 

 

Looking for true trustworthy friends is almost like looking for a diamond in a mine. 

Is it even worth all the trouble and time? 

(I'm not a shallow person, so please don't advice me to start small talk, because I can't change my persona or base character. I am born the way I'm born and that won't change) 

Please give advice bearing my personality in mind. That is tailored to people like me. 

??

 

Edited April 20, 2022 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

I'm open to any criticism, just don't suggest me to modify my personality, because that's something I just can't. 

I can't be an extrovert even if I tried my hardest. 

 

 

Edited April 20, 2022 by Preety_India

[meta_male]

I suspect you come off as needy to your friends. Would you be open to that possibility? You gotta pay attention to the small details if you want to attract an introvert. Like having the courage to wait for someone to reply without posting twice in a row. This tells me way more about your personality than all the words in your post. If you do that with your friends you will push them away.

What activities do you see yourself and your future friend(s) get involved in together?

[Preety_India]

@meta_male nope. I'm not needy with my friends at all. I respect their space. If that was the issue I would have fixed it already. 

activities - 

I would like to hang out with them. Do any mutual activity that they prefer 

Share any common interests. Go to festivals with them. Go to trips and camps 

Help them when they need. 

Give them emotional support when they need. 

Be available to them. 

 

Often times I feel/felt  like I'm the only person who is giving. The giving should also happen on the other side. Otherwise I'm the only person who is pushing the cart. 

I think the main reason why I asked this question is that I have realized that for better or worse, people are not too keen in investing too much because they are not too generous in giving their time to others. They would like to have me around only as long as it fulfills them and discard me like trash when the job is done. 

Now if I try to find people who would invest as much as I do, that's incredibly hard to find someone on the same wavelength. 

This is the reason why I feel in the end its not worth it. 

This whole idea of friendship and making friends is a deep illusion that is sold to people to make them feel good inside, just like junk food is supposed to make you feel good in the moment, but longer term it does more harm. Maybe these are fundamental truths that we realize after a lot of trial and error. 

 

[meta_male]

Let's say you decided it's not worth it, what would be your alternative?

[Preety_India]

@meta_male not to chase friends (new) anymore. Lock myself as an introvert forever and stop the train of disappointment. Put an end to the cycle of chasing friends and accept the reality that sometimes I won't get what I need/want despite it being a good thing for me to have it. It's like telling a child that they can't have chocolate. That some things you don't get just because you want them. 

And accepting this is tough especially when you want it really badly, like you want that house so bad, it's a big house and you feel it will be so nice if you get to live in that house instead of living in your cramped small room, but then you can't afford that house, and you are working hard day and night ruining your health, collecting and saving money to buy that house, only to realize that it's not worth the trouble since you'll probably never end up saving that much money anyway, so the wisdom path would be to simply drop the idea of buying that house and take care of health and not lose your health chasing something out of reach. And as hard and bitter as it sounds, accept the reality that you'll never be able to buy that house, although that house would have been a great addition to your life but it's just not worth the effort because the cost is just too high. Although accepting such a reality is tough because it means deliberately burying your dream of living in that house, yet such acceptance may not solve the problem of wanting a bigger house, but at least it will avoid any loss to your health that working hard for it is causing. This way you stop further damage or harm, you're anyway not gonna ever get that house, your passion is great, yet sometimes defeat is victory in a way, accepting this defeat will avoid the cost of an illusory victory, a dream that only exists as a dream but never becomes reality is only a source of trouble than relief. The only difficulty is the acceptance of reality, the mind cannot give up thinking and dreaming about that house, because this acceptance is painful. But it's the solution too. 

[Michael Jackson]

friendshit=deep human connection with somebody you like.

[Preety_India]

Just now, Michael Jackson said:

friendshit=deep human connection with somebody you like.

Hmm. Yes meaningless connections that present themselves as illusions. 

 

[meta_male]

It will be harder for you to quench that passion for a meaningful friendship than being open to the possibility that you can enjoy interacting with those "illusions".

[Consept]

Would you say there's anything you're doing to push people away? Or is it mainly others lack of effort and/or the concept of friendship is an illusion?

[Michael Jackson]

7 minutes ago, Consept said:

Would you say there's anything you're doing to push people away? Or is it mainly others lack of effort and/or the concept of friendship is an illusion?

@Consept What if others are an illusion?

[Consept]

51 minutes ago, Michael Jackson said:

@Consept What if others are an illusion?

OP would still be in the same position, maybe she'd feel more justified that she doesnt need to connect with others. 

[Preety_India]

1 hour ago, Consept said:

Would you say there's anything you're doing to push people away? Or is it mainly others lack of effort and/or the concept of friendship is an illusion?

Nope. It just that people aren't too invested and I'm more invested than them. I'm generally the faithful one in the friendship. However they only want it short term as long as they have some need and post that they are goodbye 

 

Now I have understood that there's no point in such friendships. I'm simply serving their needs and I'm done being their doormat. 

Some people used me for money. Some people used me as a dumping bag. Some people used me for emotional support. Some people used me because they needed me for some time whatever their particular need in that time was. 

I thought they were my friends. But nope. They simply needed me around for some purpose. Not because they truly wanted me. I wanted them though. And I didn't want them for any need because I never asked them for anything, I simply wanted them to be a friend. 

So what's the point if I want them to be a genuine friend whereas they only want to have me around for a need. 

So they don't need me anymore or their needs are fulfilled, they simply dump me? 

So I kinda feel like I don't need to be someone's bitch anymore. 

I'm sick and tired that I'm always the provider, the Empathizer, the supporter, the giver, the truster. 

I'm sick of being leeched off. I want genuine friendships and not temporary contracts of assistance. 

I think if I stop seeking, searching, wanting or giving then maybe genuine people will themselves approach me and stick around and they will have nothing to gain from me so they will actually be with for the right reasons and those who want something from me will automatically fall off the grid because they will have nothing to leech me off for so they will automatically leave of their own. 

My condition is that of a rich man who is constantly dealing with goldiggers. Maybe if he stops giving money there will be no goldiggers? 

I should stop giving people(friends) what they need and then see if they stick around???? 

 

It's like the saying that goes, if you give an inch, they take a mile. 

 

 

Edited April 21, 2022 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

@Consept I think what I'm talking about is a friendship of convenience. 

Fair weather friends. 

Generally these people are users, manipulators, psychopaths, narcissists, feeders, predators, opportunists, covert, cold, machiavellian. 

 

 

[Consept]

OK I guess what I was asking is, is everyone else the problem or are you at least something to do with the problem?

To me the fact that you are not taking responsibility in anyway for your situation would be a red flag. Taking responsibility could even look like you expected too much or you were too full on from the start. If you're expecting someone to be completely loyal and to like you intrinsically for you straight from the jump you have to know it just doesn't work like that, relationships have to built and for that time is needed. Most people initially will like you because you make their life better in some way and then eventually a deeper connection may be formed. 

But for you personally I think you need to recognise why you might be putting people off. This post is even a good example because essentially you wanted justification and people to agree with you that the people you were friends with are bad and that friendship itself is an illusion. Any attempt to address what you may have done and how you could grow have been shut down. This is very off putting for a potential friend because they will get all the blame from you for something not going right. 

I'm aware that you will even see what I've written as an attack on you, which is nit the case, but I'd encourage you to really go deep on yourself and look at where you may be going wrong in this aspect. I know this is hard to do but it is the only route, posts like this just enable behavior that has not been working for you. 

[Preety_India]

@Consept is not everyone being the problem and I can't say that I don't need to work on my issues. 

But sometimes we are friends with people even if they got issues? 

I already told you that I didn't want to be used. What's so hard about this? 

Im not objectively saying that they are bad not trying to demonize them but recognizing and avoiding behaviors of other people is always beneficial to my growth or should I just stay stuck with such people? 

Don't I deserve better? 

This is like telling a person in a toxic relationship that it's always their fault? Have you thought about the possibility that maybe it's not their fault and it has more to do with their inability to recognize such patterns? 

That recognition itself is a first step? 

 

[Preety_India]

@Consept you are straight up made this assumption that I'm putting people off. 

But you never addressed the reasons I was stating why these friendships were unhealthy in my perspective

That's why I don't have harmony with you. 

Because you straight up invalidate my perspective. 

 

[Consept]

Yes true but its not your job to fix people and if it was its very difficult. Also in a sense they don't really matter because we don't know them, we know you and are trying to help you, so in that way we can only advise you on how to grow and improve yourself. If you want us to condemn these people even if it is valid, that we have no context, for we can do that but I'm not sure it will help you. 

My question would be do you want advise on where you can grow or improve or do you want us to agree with you on the traumas of these other people?

[Preety_India]

@Consept I want nothing. I just wanted to relate and see what others wanted to say that I could gain something from.. Now go 

 

[Consept]

OK no worries, I'll take that answer, genuinely wish you the best with connecting with people x