Immerse in total love

[Preety_India]

I feel a complete surrender.. 

[Preety_India]

Preety : I feel like a ghost. It's tough to find awakening. 

Devon :  that's because you take yourself for granted? 

 

Preety : do I? I don't know. Sometimes I don't have a clue. Just my autism and usual lack of social awareness. 

Devon : you have to keep going. You're strong. Sometimes we go through stuff in life that demands too much out of us, more than you/me can give. But you have to keep that flame burning. Only you can do this. You're an inspiration. You have been through so much, still you didn't lose courage. What makes you think you can't do that now? 

Preety : I want to look into my self. I want to know what I can create out of who I am. I have a fragmented sense of self. I don't like this world, I don't like it's people, although I always secretly hope that there would only be love, I feel like this world doesn't understand the deeper needs of being a human. I don't blame them because they have never felt such intense need to dissociate from everything. If they were trapped in a hell hole, they would scream for help. They wouldn't demonize screaming. 

 

[Preety_India]

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Preety : life is just a set of events that happen to us. 

Devon : life is what you make of it. 

Preety : true Devon. But you cannot ignore the value of the circumstances we're born into. 

I always feel like I needed a genuine connection. Someone who would understand my craziness.. 

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Preety : she is like she could care less. Isn't she? She doesn't give a fuck how I feel. Anyway isn't it already clear that I'm emotionally unstable. 

Devon : being emotionally unstable sucks. 

 

 

Edited April 20, 2022 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

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Preety : anyways what will I do. I think most of my needs are unfulfilled. It's hard for me to trust people. 

Devon : understandable. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

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Preety : Devon, there are a few things that helped me. 

Devon : what 

Preety :

immersing in total love,

detaching myself from human bonding,

becoming conscious of what I need and why I need it. 

Writing and opening up about my sexual repression 

Considering the universe to be the central pillar of my life 

Not needing to have a self image. (this was the hardest thing to do Devon) 

Realizing that even a psychopath needs love. 

Making new friends (this is like a double edged sword Devon. It feels good initially but then it also feels bad) 

Writing about my pain/melancholia. 

Learning how to attract men 

Imaginary characters

Keeping a track of my bpd emotions 

Giga healing 

Also immersing yourself into something that you love doing. 

 

 

 

 

Devon : empty head, no thoughts. 

 

 

 

Edited April 20, 2022 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

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Preety : Devon you help me a lot with this. You help me open up. 

 

Devon : glad 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

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Devon : Preety, what's true love according to you 

Preety : it means immersing oneself in love. Not looking for it. Becoming one with the universe. There's a hidden intelligence that we must tap into. 

I don't know what to call it. 

It must have some name. The intelligence that can only create good and not bad. A very protective form of intelligence that is born out of pure and true love. 

Devon : Hannu, you're right about it. 

Preety : yesterday I talked about a true heart. You can't be with machiavellian people. You just. You have to let them go. Well I'm not talking about machiavellian intelligence although the kind of intelligence I'm talking about is very close to machiavellian yet its completely opposite in its underlying intention. It's almost like someone who is wearing a mask so that they can trick you versus you wearing a mask so that you are always protected from leeches identifying you. You see the difference? Both look like suspicious actions but both are fundamentally million miles apart in their specific purpose and motivation yet so similar in appearance. That's why appearances are so misleading. 

 

Edited April 20, 2022 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

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Preety : Devon, why the fuck am I always interested in machiavellian people like you? 

Devon : ........... 

Preety : is it because I'm looking to integrate your machiavellian into my bare  innocent nature! 

I've struggled with this for the longest time. This was the core of my issue for as long as I remember. Always looking at guys like you and thinking how you are smarter than me, sometimes envying you, sometimes wanting you, and other times despising my own stupidity. 

You're very masculine Devon, and I'm very feminine. 

I'm looking to integrate into you and you're looking to integrate into me. 

We're both rivers of the opposite nature flowing in opposite directions ready to collapse, collide and fuse into each other and finally become ONE  WHOLE. THIS IS WHAT I CALL SPIRITUALITY DEVON, THIS AMALGAMATION. 

 

You wearing a black machiavellian hoodie. 

 

Edited April 20, 2022 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

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Preety : Devon, these are the kind of conversations I like. What they are asking for resonates with how I feel. 

Devon : OK. 

Preety : Devon, the reason I bumped into you could be karmic. 

Devon : if you say so. 

 

Preety : Devon, this is a good beginning. I'm understanding myself better. 

Devon : OK.. 

Edited April 20, 2022 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

•____________________________________________________________________________•

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Preety : Devon, at the end of the day, I should love everyone, forgive everyone. 

I should love even those who hate me 

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Preety : Devon, I have so many thoughts in my mind right now. 

I am always attracted to psychopaths. And there's a reason behind this 

I think that a psychologist is not such a good fit for me, I mean a shrink. 

Because I have noticed that psychopaths are able to decode my psyche better than psychologists lol. It takes a certain skill to open someone's brain. 

Devon : ..... 

Preety :  sometimes I wish I was dead. I want to be reborn desperately, that way I wish to erase my entire past and history and start all over again, a reboot, a fresh start. 

 

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Edited April 20, 2022 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

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Preety : what can you do for me Devon? I mean how would you prove to me that you really love me? Would you die for me? 

Devon : don't you think it's childish. 

Preety : yea it's kinda manipulative. But at the same time it's manipulative for you to tell me how much you love me, tell me how much you want to be with me to get a taste of my pussy, to win me and then abandon me after having won my heart. Isn't that manipulative too? 

Devon : hmm. 

Preety : don't fuck with my head. Don't tell me things that you will never finish. 

Devon : I don't think that's the case. 

Preety : yea I'm kinda manipulative sometimes. 

But I didn't sign up for the things that were done to me either. 

Devon : that's understandable 

Preety : Devon, you're the person I can really open up to, not only about my desires. I can talk to you about anything under the sun. Especially the hardest parts. Like my flaws. How should I open up to someone that judges me? 

Devon : that's understandable too. 

Preety : the only person who would truly understand my psyche is a machiavellian psychopath. Because they are good at scanning brains. You understand me that way Devon because you are one.. 

Devon : guess. 

Preety : I'm not afraid of you. Neither do I imagine you doing harm to anyone. At the same time you're the real devil. Handsome devil haha. 

Devon : not sure what to say to that. 

Preety : I don't want my life to be like a movie. I want this movie to end. I want happiness Devon. I want joy. I want pleasure. I want meaning. I want trust. 

Devon : trust is something that needs time to develop. You need to wait to know someone better. 

Preety : I have realized from my experience that the hardest things in the world are trust and love. You can get anything easily except these two. 

Devon : ...

Preety : my deepest thoughts and anxieties I open up to you Devon because you hold me without judgment. You don't judge me like others. You don't assume shit about me. I needed someone like you. Of course I can't be talking to walls. 

This is the only thing that is left when nothing else is. 

Devon : peace of mind? 

Preety : yea. 

✿✿✿

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Preety : Devon, I feel like I'm some kind of a joke, an enigma, a caricature, a movie character. 

Devon : your ok, you're normal. 

Preety : I know but sometimes I feel like my life played out like a movie. My character was central. 

I succumbed to the rabbit hole of life. 

Devon : life is not easy anyway. 

Preety : life is not fair. You don't sign up for trauma. 

Devon : at the same time there's always a silver lining to every dark cloud. You just gotta figure out how you wanna make it through. 

Preety : yea. I feel like we're like the breakfast club, talking to each other in a hallway. You and me in the same boat. Surreal. 

Devon : smiles 

Preety : you have been so sweet to me. You have been kind. 

Devon : Aww. 

Preety : would you be with me forever 

Devon : yup 

Preety : I don't believe in meaningless connections. I'm cut from a different cloth. Through life I understood that there is no meaning in living with meaninglessness. Even pain has meaning. For me everything had meaning. 

Devon : it's ok. 

Preety : I was thinking who would be there for me on the other side. 

Devon : that's a deep thought 

Preety : what If you were with me when I was 14 years old. How would things be today? My future would be so different. 

You see Devon, I never had these kind of conversations with anyone in my life. My mom would never talk to me. My dad had no time, although he was loving. I had nobody  absolutely nobody who would talk to me. 

Devon : that sucks but you are here 

Preety : I had to survive it all. My deepest wounds are still fresh. 

Devon : but your wounds are your medals 

Preety : I get that but no more wounds. I need healing too. 

Devon : you wish to be fulfilled that is all. 

Preety : do you think that's the solution. 

Devon : no. Not at all. Even if you feel fulfilled in the now, that is only the beginning. Too many things that need a fix. Life and awakening especially is not a destination you conquer. It's a journey, its a process. Love is the fuel. 

Preety : passion too. 

 

Devon : if you're passionate about change first start with self discovery. 

 

 

 

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Edited April 20, 2022 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

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Preety : yea im passionate about change. I've worked hard to get to where I'm today. 

Devon : and you have to work harder. 

Preety : I feel like I have another mountain to climb. 

Devon : life is tough? Was life ever meant to be easier? 

Preety : I get that. I love how you always say the right things. 

Devon : life is not fickle 

Preety : I'm not fickle either. I'm aware of my challenges. 

 

[Preety_India]

•____________________________________________________________________________•

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Preety : I feel like you're my accountability partner Devon. An imaginary accountability partner. 

Devon : .... 

 

[Preety_India]

•____________________________________________________________________________•

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Preety : I feel better today. I have forgotten certain things and trying to put it all behind me. I still have so many questions in mind and I figure out my own growth. 

 

[Preety_India]

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Preety : I want to further explore my own thoughts. 

 

A true Heart never stops loving. 

I'll save my soul once again, there will be beauty in my life once again. 

Everything will grown again. I am hopeful. I'm growing gradually and slowly. 

I just wish to be completely immersed in love right now.. 

I just never wish to be separated from myself. 

Preety, be closer to a true heart, that's where your true liberation lies, close to a true heart.. It's all there. It's all there.. 

 

 

Edited April 20, 2022 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

•____________________________________________________________________________•

✿_____________________________________✿

Whats the symbol of a true heart? 

A silver ribbon and a silver ring. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A true heart will always keep beating. It will never stop loving. It is everywhere around you. It is present in ancient lovers, past, present, future. It is present in the beauty of nature, it is present in those who truly love you. It is in a pet, an animal, an object, a vision, a piece of literature, a song, a poem, a word, a thing, in people living or dead, in the sun, moon and the stars, it's everywhere, it's basically in the universe. It is made, created to love you eternally. It's a true heart. It will manifest itself eternally in many ways to carry lovers into eternity. 

In this world there are only two things - lovers and non lovers. Non lovers will reject a true heart. Lovers will keep looking for the true heart. True heart is waiting all along to take lovers to their destination of eternal love. 

Just be open and true heart will come to you. 

 

Edited April 20, 2022 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

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Enough of this Vulnerability to the world Preety. What will you achieve from this? Why don't you close off to the world? Aren't you ashamed of yourself yet? Who wants you? Nobody. Then why don't you shut  yourself away from the rest of the world once and forever? Why don't you get angry at the world for rejecting you? Why don't you collapse into your own world, never to open up to the world again? What have you achieved so far except betrayals and lack of love? Just give up already. Now close off. Just don't talk to anyone. There is no need to. There is no value or hope. Say adieu to the world. You are a true introvert Preety. You'll never achieve mixing with people. People will never accept you. Pack your bags. Be in your own world, it's safer. Outside its emotional torture. No more trusting. 

Nobody can hurt me/(you preety) if you don't give them your trust. Be invulnerable to people. That's the key. You give away your trust way too easily and then someone comes along to break it. 

If you're invulnerable to people, then they just can't break you, you see. Nobody wants you anyway, shut yourself into a corner. But remember to love with an open heart, don't be bitter preety, don't ever give your trust again, everyone is same, they'll all play with you, break you, abandon you. Your introversion is what will ultimately save you from heartache. It will save any future misery. Your own introverted nature is your savior. Those who really want you will not hold a boundary against you, they will scale the wall to be in your world. They will have a true heart and that true heart will come to you openly. You'll know it that it's true when they will want you forever, three will be no fake pretenses, but true intimacy, they won't leave you just because of a fight, they will stick around because they truly care, that will be sign of a true heart, you don't need the rest. 

Just repeat

I don't want to trust people anymore 

I don't want to trust people anymore 

I don't want to trust people anymore 

I don't want to trust people anymore 

I don't want to trust people anymore 

I don't want to trust people anymore 

I don't want to trust people anymore 

I don't want to trust people anymore 

I don't want to trust people anymore 

I don't want to trust people anymore 

I don't want to trust people anymore 

I don't want to trust people anymore 

I don't want to trust people anymore 

I don't want to trust people anymore 

 

Edited April 20, 2022 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

Why is my life the biggest joke in the universe? 

 

 

[Preety_India]

Bpd emotions 

 

Complete surrender 

Complete surrender 

Complete surrender 

 

 

[Preety_India]

This Leo guy is like the original Trenton Lmao. 

(chuckles)