I have to heal slowly( even a psychopath needs love)

[Preety_India]

I have been listening to beautiful music non stop since April 21/22 and it helped me feel much better. 

I felt awesomeness. It filled my body with beautiful energy and a lot of pleasure, ton of pleasure. 

 

The music helped me get through. 

I had no idea music would have such a big impact 

 

But it did. 

It made me forget things. Bad stuff. Past memories. At least partially. 

Bpd patients should begin to listening to music. Big shift in mood. 

Big shift in emotions. Not very big though. But good enough. At least better than nothing. 

 

Music can be added to the healing resources list. 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

 

 

 

Hahahaha no more friends. Thank God. No more searching. No more fuss 

 

 

Learning. Learning. Learning. 

 

 

 

Edited April 24, 2022 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

So one problem that I suffered especially in the context of friendships and acquaintances is that I needed attention very badly 

 

And when attention was not given to me, I would often freak out. 

I wouldn't hold a grudge but I would get an intense form of rage and anger coming from feeling "ignored, neglected, abandoned." 

I think deep down this violent anger came from 2 things - 

1. Deficiency of attention. Feeling ignored. Abandonment anxiety as an accompaniment. 
2. Deep insecurity and fear (that I'm must be being mistreated or not liked or accepted or the anticipation of eventual Abandonment) 

Now this is a paranoid fear I used to have in relationships and friendships 

That I might be getting mistreated. 

Especially if someone didn't give me the attention I needed. 

Maybe those people were simply busy. Maybe they weren't mistreating me. But I could have suffered this paranoid fear/(anticipatory fear and premature conclusion aka jumping the gun) that they were mistreating me when that wasn't the case at all. 

 

 

Edited April 24, 2022 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

Anyway I'm working on reducing a bunch of stuff in my behavior and thinking 

• Deficiency of attention 
• Rapid emotions 

 

 

 

 

 

 

There are different dimensions of my personality that I need to heal one by one. 

 

One dimension is 1) Stockholm Syndrome 

 

2) bpd - emotional instability 

 

3) anger issues 

 

4) manipulative tendencies 

 

5) autistic tendencies 

 

6) bonding deficiency 

 

7) attachment issues 

 

 

 

 

Edited April 24, 2022 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

Three issues identified 

Neediness 

Insecurity 

Attention seeking 

 

Yes yes yes attention seeking....... Big time. 

 

If I don't get attention I feel bad. I feel worse. 

So that needs fixing. The clinginess and childish attention seeking. 

 

That needs fixing.

Of course some part is uniquely my personality, my vibe. Not everything is a flaw. 

But I need to work on 

Neediness 

Insecurity 

Childish attention seeking 

 

 

 

Other things that need fixing.

 

Disorganized behavior 

Instability 

Chaotic behavior 

No control over emotions 

These are signs of bpd. 

 

 

Edited April 24, 2022 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

Exploring this 

 

Whats like to fall in love 

 

The universe give me an answer 

 

 

 

Maybe it means giving your heart and spirit to someone 

Completely and blindly trusting them. 

Thinking of them all the time 

Of course being attracted to them. 

Being attached to them.. 

 

Wanting them deeply. This is important. Do you want someone for something or do you just want them? 

I think whenever I fell in love, I didn't want them for some purpose but I simply wanted them because I wanted to love them and be loved in return. 

There weren't needed for any kind of gratification. I think true love is not based on convenience. For example maybe a person falls in love with someone because they sense an opportunity for a bigger house/ better stuff /gratification /etc. But that's not love, that was some internal goal fulfillment. 

 

Joseph did something like that. I won't call that true love. 

 

Edited April 25, 2022 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

I think sex takes you into a different state of consciousness 

 

Not a bad state. But it makes me disconnect with reality. Like spacing out. 

I want to snap out of this. 

 

 

Yea feel good hormones filling up my brain. 

My brain is thick like a fog. Sex fog. 

 

Is this a hangover? 

 

 

[Preety_India]

 

 I do it is this - 

I have always genuinely and deeply believed that I'm a good person.. In fact I have felt that I'm a great person. At least that's what strangers on the street have told me all my life. Also all of my ex boyfriends called me a great person. 

 

The problem is when I feel like I'm so great, this might potentially be causing me to overlook my underlying flaws?? I thought about this possibility a lot recently. 

So I thought the only person who can freely criticize me without any vendetta or bias is me. That's what I did. I decided to challenge myself to see the limits of my character and find it out for myself. This was a part of my self reflection that has only been possible recently. If I cannot legitimately become a good individual, I don't see any point or purpose in ruminating on self development. All of it is a waste and an ego defense if true change cannot come by. So I began to see past my good nature, to see if I can find something that might be bad about me. And what I saw is that I had manipulative tendencies. Sometimes when I talked to people I found that I was purposely trying to be sweet to them (most often I'm naturally sweet and I'm not usually manipulative but on certain occasions I can be a bit unconsciously), and I realized that I was just manipulating them so that they could be nice to me. So I researched a bit on psychopathy and I found that they manipulate too. I'm not a full on psychopath like a criminal psychopath but I at least share some traits. At the end of the day manipulation serves no one. I thought to myself - what will I do if I found the most wonderful man on planet earth who loves me infinitely. Will I lose him by my manipulation. That would be a great loss. I decided I will be a good woman to this imaginary man. I want to be the best woman to the best man.. And even if he is not the best, at least I played my role faithfully, I will have that satisfaction. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

I've been pretty good at controlling my inner psychopathy. I have had moderate success so far. 

Everytime I do something or talk to anyone, I tell myself I gotta be honest about my intentions and not try to make the other person believe I'm extra nice. 

Has my psychopathy destroyed anyone? 

Nope. I have never been on a level that one can call destructive.. I think bpd patients might exhibit tiny amounts of psychopathy owing to how they were treated. They could come up with elaborate stories to seek sympathy etc. 

I have mostly been honest and continue to plan to live an honest life. That's the best that I can do. 

Do I specifically remember what I did that was psychopathic? 

Hmm. Nope. I don't remember a specific incident. But I remember people telling me "you are doing this to gain sympathy." and maybe sometimes they were true. 

I must have acted like I care about someone or people even when I didn't give a shit. 

I put all these behaviors in the category of psychopath 

 

 

[Preety_India]

Do I genuinely believe that I'm a good person deep down? 

Answer - the answer is no. I don't think I'm a good person. Part of this is because I am sick of the word "good." 

I feel like by calling myself a good person, I am actually just puffing up my ego, it's an ego defense mechanism that is all. 

I have forgotten what it means to be good. I don't think there is anything inherently good or bad. Definitions of good and evil are very obscure in my mind.. 

Nobody is truly good. Is what I believe. 

Deep down we all have flaws we refuse to admit and by calling ourselves good we just sugarcoat ourselves to make our ego feel better.. 

A person who doesn't want to succumb to their own ego will find flaws in themselves and will also admit to them. 

Because this is what I fundamentally believe and this is the reason why I innocently call myself a bad person 

If God is great and a merciful God, will he judge bad people? The answer is no. God won't judge. Because judgement doesn't come from love. A loving God can't judge.. 

So whom am I afraid of if not God? Why should I be afraid of humans? Humans are anyway scum. 

So if im not afraid and if God is a merciful God then if I repented to God of my sins, won't God forgive me? 

It's only an abusive parent that will punish their children for their flaws and for having admitted to them. 

It's only an abusive group that will punish a person for being honest and opening up. 

A merciful person understands the value of repentance. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

So I read a little more on bpd.. 

It's not encouraging. Rather disappointing news the more I read about my disorder. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

I'll assess myself. 

I have at least 1% primary psychopathy and at least 30% secondary psychopathy. 

Two reasons - bpd and ptsd. 

I'm the Richard Kuklinski type of psychopath. I won't hurt my family members or those that I love. 

 

 

 

Primary psychopathy traits in me 

• I can be manipulative 

Secondary psychopathy traits in me 

• The need for revenge 
• Hate 
• Irresponsibility 
• Impulsivity 
• Low impulse control 
• Need to harm hurt 
• Reactive anger 
• Impulsive violence 
• Self harm 
• Harm to self - suicide, out of control behavior 

 

 

Edited April 26, 2022 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

On 4/13/2021 at 7:07 AM, Preety_India said:

 

My LSRP test results 

LSRP Psychopathy measurement test results. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Report

Primary Factor

A selfish, uncaring, manipulative posture towards others.

The subtype known as «primary» psychopathy refers to individuals who are completely rational, lack anxiety and have high levels of interpersonal charm. Whilst these behaviours appear incredibly adaptive, primary psychopaths are also prone to dysfunctional and pathological traits such as an inability to learn from past mistakes and a lack of responsibility.

Secondary Factor

Impulsivity and a self-defeating lifestyle.

«Secondary» psychopaths are individuals not dissimilar to primary psychopaths in the sense that they still share many of the same characteristics and traits. However, unlike the primary psychopath, the secondary psychopath is more likely to suffer from intense emotional arousal and psychological issues. As well as this, research conducted on adult psychopaths has suggested that secondary psychopaths are more prone to participate in drug abuse, suicide and interpersonal aggression. Overall, what differentiates secondary psychopaths from primary psychopaths is their destructive behaviour as well an increased reactivity and impulsivity and an inability to control their emotions effectively.

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

 

On 11/9/2021 at 3:06 AM, Preety_India said:

I'm not a primary psychopathy score is very low. But my Secondary psychopathy score is high. 

 

 

This means if I kill a person, it won't be cold and it won't be for money. 

 

Primary psychopaths are hard and cold and without emotion and empty. They do things to gain a benefit. Generally greed. 

 

Secondary psychopaths are completely opposite of primary psychopaths. They are extremely emotional to the point of abnormal but tend to hide their emotions because they are too scared to show that underlying emotion. They don't do things for a benefit. But they do it out of raw and extreme emotions. They are basically psychos. Revenge, hate, rage are emotions experienced in abnormal levels as compared to the average public. 

 

Primary psychopathy example - a gold digger who poisons her husband sneakily to get his money. 

 

Secondary psychopathy example - a woman who kills her husband because she is extremely hurt that he cheated on her so she stabs him multiple times out of revenge 

Or a woman who kills her rapist to seek revenge or justice. 

Or a bullied teenager goes and shoots people in a mall because he is sick of humans. 

 

These are examples of "emotions gone out of control" to the point that it arouses passion to cause destruction or crime. 

Such crimes are not committed for greed or money but out of sheer emotions that are extremely fatal and lethal 

 

Secondary psychopaths show fatal levels of emotions. They are like a ticking time bomb. Easy to explode. They are mentally and emotionally unstable. 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

I think Joseph was a secondary psychopath too. 

 

This goes back to 2019.

Joseph gave me a rape threat in the beginning of our relationship. He said something 'I'll find you and rape you and you will end up in a coma. "

I laughed it off because I didn't believe it at all. I was very trusting of him. We used to live in Seattle back then. 

He often give me death threats if he was angry. 

He went to prison couple of times. 

He once punched a black man in front of his ex wife for interfering in their argument and went to jail for assault. 

He used to hide all of this from me for a long time. 

Then one day in May 2019, he called me and told me he was being arrested 

 

I was like "for what?" 

And he said he wasn't sure what it was all about. 

I told him everything will be okay. 

I could not contact him because he was in jail. 

I suffered a lot of anxiety thinking about him in jail. It was the absolute worst thing to happen to me. I spiraled out of control 

 

I contacted his friend, asked him to post bail, which he didnt, but promised me he would. 

I was a mess. I read his charges. It was Assault 4 charge and Felony B. Omg 

I lost it. I thought Joseph was hiding stuff from me about this assault and downplaying it. 

It was almost June first week. 

I hadn't slept for almost 2 weeks by then. 

I was losing myself. My anxiety was off the charts. I decided I needed to break up with him. Enough was enough. I wasn't going to deal with a man who goes to jail. 

He was released by June  9. I wasn't talking to him. He was confused why I didn't want to talk to him. It was my paranoia. 

 

 

 

 

Edited April 26, 2022 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

Then a week later on June 17 he contacted me through some friend. I received his text. 

He wanted to talk to me. 

He called me 

And then a torrent of expletives. 

"you fucking b**ch, how could you leave when I needed you, im going to find you and kill you." 

And I said "do it. I don't care." 

Deep down I didn't believe he could kill me. 

Then I told him it's over already. I have zero interest. I am not going to put up with the whole jail thing. I got standards 

 

He was still raging at me. Tourette. I could not understand what he was saying. It became unintelligible due to his fury. 

He was in fury. He hurled a ton of expletives at me. Even his friends and roommates could hear. 

I kept listening to him patiently. I didn't want to hang up on him. 

But.. 

 

 

He did something next. He knew my weaknesses. My Empathetic nature 

 

He straight up threatened me... Suicide. 

He told me he will down the whole bottle of depression pills he had been prescribed. 

I was like noooooo. "Joseph please don't do that. Please. OK I surrender. I  am back in your life. I am not leaving you." 

 

That's when he calmed down 

I think that is a good example of secondary psychopathy. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

I left Joseph finally a year later in September 2020,because I discovered he cheated on me. I was permanently heart broken. 

This was a man I had stood up for through thick and thin 

I had almost given my life to him.... Only for him to cheat on me

 

Joseph was a manic bipolar. He would have manic episodes where he would feel like harming me

 

 

I patiently took all his episodes. 

 

I just couldn't see him hurt. 

He was on bipolar meds 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

He would get angry at me and then say something like 

"I didn't take my bipolar meds today so don't mess with me." 

 

Almost like a threat. 

I was used to his threats. I didn't even care anymore 

 

 

 

He used to be surprised that I was acting so cool and nonchalant despite his threats. 

He would say "why are you not afraid of me, because you know I love you? 

I was just clueless 

 

 

Edited April 26, 2022 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

Secondary psychopathy is high in bpd cases and knowing this is important 

Link to suicide. 

 

 

Edited April 28, 2022 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

 

5 hours ago, Preety_India said:

@Something Funny not everything is drama. 

At least 80% bpd are suicidal and at least 9% actually commit suicide. 

So sometimes they don't threaten, they actually carry it out. 

I already had 4 suicide attempts so I know how it is.