I have to heal slowly( even a psychopath needs love)

[Preety_India]

I feel very delicate. 

 

Edited April 19, 2022 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

I consider myself a psychopath. 

 

[Preety_India]

I'm a bit cold, awful, bpd, autistic, selfish 

• Cold 
• Autism 
• Bpd 
• Narcissism
• Psychopathic

(a psychopath always wins unfortunately) 

 

 

[Preety_India]

Love and anti-love are two sides of the same coin. 

I look into my abuser's eyes and show love to them. 

Because at the end of the day God only taught me to love. 

Although it's very difficult to love people who wronged you. 

 

[Preety_India]

I lived with Stockholm Syndrome for a very long time and began to love my abusers.. 

[Preety_India]

In order to heal slowly I first need to understand myself better. 

This itself is a huge cascading process and it will run in multiple stages. 

I have figured certain parts of my personality 

 

But certain parts are still a mystery to me. 

I'll slowly get to them

 

 

[Preety_India]

Since I don't have a fixed self image I need to explore myself through dimensions. 

 

[Preety_India]

There are different dimensions of my personality that I need to heal one by one. 

One dimension is 1) Stockholm Syndrome 

2) bpd - emotional instability 

3)  anger issues 

4) manipulative tendencies 

5) autistic tendencies 

6)  bonding deficiency 

7)  attachment issues 

 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

On a side note, I feel like I'm the luckiest girl in the whole universe. 

 

[Preety_India]

Ok let's see this 

 

One change at a time. 

Yesterday I kinda acted needy. I acted desperate. I wanted. I wanted..... So... I felt like I was going to fuck up again. So I held myself back. I immediately told myself - c'mon it's annoying to be demanding. Don't. Don't demand. Relax. 

Next time I feel this strong urge of not being able to give the other their space and kinda acting invasive, I need to hold myself back. 

I'm so numbed. 

 

I did that again in the evenings and felt the urge to get some, but then I controlled myself. Because it's not good to piss off someone like this and not let them have their space. 

 

 

Edited April 24, 2022 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

My heart skipped a beat when I saw him. It's like I felt a thrust of sudden joy. 

 

[Preety_India]

He is so cute. 

 

 

 

 

 

Hmmm

Anyway back to work. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

Three issues identified 

• Neediness 
• Insecurity 
• Attention seeking 

 

Yes yes yes attention seeking....... Big time. 

 

If I don't get attention I feel bad. I feel worse. 

So that needs fixing. The clinginess and childish attention seeking. 

 

That needs fixing.

Of course some part is uniquely my personality, my vibe. Not everything is a flaw. 

But I need to work on 

• Neediness 
• Insecurity 
• Childish attention seeking 

 

 

[Preety_India]

Other things that need fixing.

• Disorganized behavior 
• Instability 
• Chaotic behavior 
• No control over emotions 

These are signs of bpd. 

 

[Preety_India]

Report - 

 

Last five days have been better. 

Very exciting too

 

I felt really shitty till April 15.

Then things have gotten better. 

 

If I track the time, then 

Edited April 24, 2022 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

 

I have never felt the way I felt since April 21.

 

[Preety_India]

Twirls around in giddy happiness. 

Twirls around. Twirls around. 

Twirls around....... 

Twirls around.. 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited April 24, 2022 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

You 

You 

You 

You 

You 

You 

You 

You 

Hahahaha

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

Yay. I have been playing this song non stop since morning. My excitement has no bounds. No bounds. God is merciful on my poor soul. 

*feels ecstatic. 

 

 

 

Dancing to this song right now. 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

32 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

Report - 

 

Last five days have been better. 

Very exciting too

 

I felt really shitty till April 15.

Then things have gotten better. 

 

If I track the time, then 

I forgot to update this post. 

So April 16 was a particularly depressing day. 

April 17 and April 18 I was still a bit dull. 

There was a ton of internal friction and tension I experienced on these days. 

Then it was April 19. I was still experiencing dull feelings. 

Then it was April 20. I had almost given up 

And finally April 21. 

And then... The rest is history. 

 

 

 

 

Edited April 24, 2022 by Preety_India