It isn't all about me

[RickyFitts]

I need to remember this, I need to keep it in mind. Whenever I'm feeling abandoned, whenever I feel like the whole world has left me alone with my aching, broken heart.

If I'm alone, it's because I wanted to be. Maybe I felt lonely, but the truth was that I just couldn't handle other people, I had to be by myself in order to come to terms with all the turmoil churning away inside me. The best thing other people did for me was to give me space, because that's what I needed most.

Ah, but that feeling of abandonment, it isn't so easy to shake... sometimes I feel like the baby in its cot, crying for a mother who never seems to come. Sometimes I just want to be held, but I don't know if it would really help - I need to be autonomous, I need to face the upset and the angst that's inside me with a tender, open heart.

And I'm getting there, I really am.

Well, I said it isn't all about me, and then proceeded to make it all about me, hehe!  But I need to remember that other people have their own battle to face, too, and I shouldn't expect them to sacrifice their own well-being for my sake - I would hate that. The one I love truly, I would hate for her to suffer on my account. My love for her is so pure now that I would honestly be happy for her if she found love and happiness with another man.

Well, I think so, anyway - easy to say that in theory, who knows how I'd feel if it actually happened. God knows I've felt like my heart was being crushed in a vice made of jealousy and possessiveness in the past whenever she talked about dating other guys (or, heck, even if she talked to other guys - ugh, that's just not healthy, is it?), but I feel like I've moved past that now. Maybe I'm just kidding myself, I don't know. I just hate those feelings, I hate how they distort and obscure the love you feel for the special ones in your life. I love her, but she isn't my possession, she's her own woman with her own desires and needs, and oh, how I'd love for her to feel true peace and contentment. ? She so deserves that, I can't think of anyone more deserving.

[Gianna]

On 4/19/2022 at 1:19 AM, RickyFitts said:

Maybe I felt lonely, but the truth was that I just couldn't handle other people, I had to be by myself in order to come to terms with all the turmoil churning away inside me. The best thing other people did for me was to give me space, because that's what I needed most.

This quote brought me to tears. Oh, I relate to it so deeply.

It's devastating to want connection and love more than anything in the world but to realize you're not capable of it. I had this realization and it's crushing but oddly brought me relief, in a way.  But– like you– I realized how loving it was for the people who actually gave me space during this time (my whole life, haha) but were still there for me– loving me from afar– when I needed it (and not holding it against me). 

One time– and here's me making it about me now  hehe– I realized this when I was driving to Santa Barbara to spend the 4th of July with my girlfriends. They invited me there so I wouldn't have to spend the holiday alone. I thought it was a good idea and went. But on the drive up I got into a deep state of self-reflection and the Truth of my interpersonal experiences was revealed to me. I saw just how badly I abandoned these people. I saw how they had always tried to be a friend to me, to connect with me, tried to get me out to connect with them and others; but I was so avoidant and just couldn't. I wasn't capable of relationships (even friends). Like your quote, I had to be my myself in order to come to terms with all the turmoil inside of me. I was crying the rest of the drive at just how badly I treated these people, how bad of a friend I had been, and how great they had been to me by giving me such space but still being there for me, offering me things, including me, and just loving me despite it. I then got into a deeper state where I realized that I actually created these people for me because I knew I needed them; these particular people. It was mindblowing. I was so deeply conscious of God (as Myself) giving me/creating these friends for me because I needed them. Just the most mature, loving, emotionally stable people– the perfect people for me in this life where I struggle deeply with relationships. You could say I realized the Absolute Perfection of God's Creation in this moment. When I saw this intended creation from God for me, I just balled even more. The amount of uncondition love/giving there. It was remarkable. 

I'm so happy I was reminded of this by your thread. Your writing here is incredibly beautiful, touching, and heart-opening.
Sending you all of my love, dear.?

[RickyFitts]

20 hours ago, Gianna said:

This quote brought me to tears. Oh, I relate to it so deeply.

Such a beautiful reaction, that just tells me everything about your sensitivity and open-heartedness.  

20 hours ago, Gianna said:

It's devastating to want connection and love more than anything in the world but to realize you're not capable of it. I had this realization and it's crushing but oddly brought me relief, in a way.  But– like you– I realized how loving it was for the people who actually gave me space during this time (my whole life, haha) but were still there for me– loving me from afar– when I needed it (and not holding it against me). 

It really is, devastating is exactly right... so interesting what you say about the realisation oddly bringing you relief, I have a sense of what you mean by that. And the desire for connection and love is also just incredibly beautiful, it can be very painful, too, when you feel yourself incapable of it, but I feel like that desire can be a doorway to spiritual liberation. It reminds me of an Adyashanti quote I saw recently: 'Do not seek after what you yearn for, seek after the source of the yearning itself.'

20 hours ago, Gianna said:

One time– and here's me making it about me now  hehe– I realized this when I was driving to Santa Barbara to spend the 4th of July with my girlfriends. They invited me there so I wouldn't have to spend the holiday alone. I thought it was a good idea and went. But on the drive up I got into a deep state of self-reflection and the Truth of my interpersonal experiences was revealed to me. I saw just how badly I abandoned these people. I saw how they had always tried to be a friend to me, to connect with me, tried to get me out to connect with them and others; but I was so avoidant and just couldn't. I wasn't capable of relationships (even friends). Like your quote, I had to be my myself in order to come to terms with all the turmoil inside of me. I was crying the rest of the drive at just how badly I treated these people, how bad of a friend I had been, and how great they had been to me by giving me such space but still being there for me, offering me things, including me, and just loving me despite it.

Hehehe, never a problem as far as I'm concerned! 

Wow, though, again this is just so beautiful... it can be so hard to see yourself in a different light like that, shocking even, but I think it just says so much about your spiritual and emotional maturity that you could see the situation from a different perspective. And the thing is, you just found it hard to be around other people - it's not your fault you felt that way, you couldn't help being avoidant. You just needed to be by yourself, as you say.  

21 hours ago, Gianna said:

I then got into a deeper state where I realized that I actually created these people for me because I knew I needed them; these particular people. It was mindblowing. I was so deeply conscious of God (as Myself) giving me/creating these friends for me because I needed them. Just the most mature, loving, emotionally stable people– the perfect people for me in this life where I struggle deeply with relationships. You could say I realized the Absolute Perfection of God's Creation in this moment. When I saw this intended creation from God for me, I just balled even more. The amount of uncondition love/giving there. It was remarkable. 

This just blows my mind, wow... how you could see it in that wider context, I feel like this level of understanding is beyond me at the moment. Again, I feel like it's an indication of the openness of your heart that you could see the situation in that light, it's just beautiful beyond words. ?

21 hours ago, Gianna said:

I'm so happy I was reminded of this by your thread. Your writing here is incredibly beautiful, touching, and heart-opening.
Sending you all of my love, dear.?

As is yours, my love, what you shared was so incredibly moving - thank you, my heart radiates with love for you.